Three More Days...!!!

I know you did not think I was done talking about my birthday. Heck no!!! Today is the 11th. I have three more days before I officially turn plus one. Yay!! So let the gifts begin to arrive!! I'm only reminding you because I care about you oh. I don't want you to have to do rush delivery. But in the event that your gift cannot get to me before the 14th, please do not despair. I receive late gifts @ no extra nagging to you. Yes, I know I'm sweet. You don't have 2 say it.

The 14th of January is the most important day of the year. The earth will stand still. The moon and the sun will come out together and struggle for sky space, but none will win. The stars instead will shine from dusk till dawn, and they will hang down from the sky like chandeliers. As if I were standing under a mistletoe, I will receive a kiss every time I stand under a star. I guess I should expect a gazillion kisses that day. Baba God will grant me all my heart desires. It will be the beginning of a new life for me - my XXth year on earth. If you're wondering who I will be kissing under the stars, my answer is God will provide!

I do not have much to say today. I would only like to repost (for the benefit of those who have not read it and those who have forgotten or claim to have forgotten) my birthday wish list. And my address, of course. If you are torn between two gifts or more and cannot decide which one to get me, please get them all. That's the only logical thing to do. I'm only suggesting this for your own good - of course.

1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).

2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)

3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)

4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).

6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)

8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome

9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. A gift card from DSW. (I'm craving shoes.)

18. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

I know what you're thinking: goodness, Vera, you're so cheap. Is that all you want??? Whatever happened to aiming high for bigger, better, bolder things....like a newly built, fully furnished house in an upscale neighborhood? Well, what can I say? I'm so modest.

Oh, before I forget, here's the mailing address which I'm sure you're all just itching you have:

Vera Ezimora
P. O. BOX 7893
ESSEX, MD 21221
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

See you on Wednesday - my birthday. Yay!!!

Mr. Multiple Personality

He now wants to be called Gbenga. No longer Wes. Not Lee. Not even Wesley. But Gbenga. On a side note: the illness, multiple personality disorder is no longer called multiple personality disorder. It's now called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Moving along...

Remember the guy who asked Funmi out and said his name was Wes and then asked me out and said his name was Lee??? I told you that technically he did not lie anyway because Wes & Lee are both forms of Wesley, but it was just weird the way it happened. Anyway...

I ran into him again. Let me explain something very well. The boy first asked Funmi out some years ago. Funmi does not remember what name he gave her then. Then he asked me out in April of 2008 and told me his name was Lee. About two months ago, he asked Funmi out again and reintroduced himself as Wes. Recently (as in December of 2008), he asked me out - again. But this time, his name was not Wes. Or Lee. It wasn't even Weslee sef. LOL. It was Gbenga. Imagine my amusement. When he told me his name, I had to ask him again because I thought I had heard wrong, but lo and behold, I did not hear wrong.

I think this guy is suffering from a few diseases: Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder), early stages of Alzheimers, and maybe even some Developmental Challenge. I'll explain. He has Multiple Personality Disorder because I do not understand how and/or why one person alone will go by three different names. And these are the names that I know of oo! For all we know, he might have some more out there. He has Alzheimers because he did not even remember that he had asked me out in April (I'll explain in my next parapgraph). He also has some developmental challenge because that is the only plausible reason why a grown man like him will come and ask me out after literally gawking at me and Funmi hugging each other and talking. He just asked Funmi out two months ago. What nonsense! He evidently knew we were friends. People do not randomly hug each other.

So how do I know he did not remember me?? Well, let's see. He asked my name again. He introduced himself again (albeit as a different person). He asked me out the same away. Honestly, he said the exact same things he said to me in April. I could not erase the smile that was plastered on my face as he spoke; the whole thing was just too funny. It was deja vu. I know that guys sometimes recycle lines, but please do not recycle to the same person. The only thing that is worse that recyling a line is recycling it to the same person.......and not knowing it. Ouch. Poor Funmi. She's the one who thought he was cute. lol.

All I could think about while he spoke was, "This is good blog material!! I am sooo blogging about this..." I'm very sure I will run into Mr. Multiple Personality again, but I cannot tell you which one of him I will run into. Wes? Lee? Gbenga? Or a totally new person? I don't know, my people. The most that I can do right now is wait.

Introducing Exhibit A

Before I go on, let me tell you what I named Busola's baby. I named him Chidi, so henceforth, you can expect regular posts on Chidi. When a Yoruba person hears his name is Chidi, the response is usually, "Ah, omo Igbo ke???" LOL. It's been quite interesting to say the least. Busola and her hubby gave him other names which I do not care to mention because this is my blog darn it! Busola can go and open her own blog and tell every1 his Yoruba name. On Verastically Livin,' he shall be known as Chidi. Full Stop!!

On Thursday night, Busola said she needed her "stupid friends" to come and spend the night in her house the next day (Friday) and help her sort some baby clothes and all that stuff. In spite of the insult, Funmi and I gladly went. We really need to get some self respect. LOL. I got there before seven thirty PM; Funmi got there before midnight. She's always late. She was late too when God was distributing booties - hence Funmi's flat backside.

Anyway, taking care of Chidi was not easy ooo!! He woke up every hour for food and pooped every time I fed him. Busola left him for me and Funmi and went to bed, so I was the one waking up to take care of him because her royal highness, Funmi was snoozing. Twas a humbling experience. Made me wonder what life will be like when I have my confusingly identical twin boys. Well, I still want them all the same. No amount of poop cleaning will stop me from desiring them. Moving along...

Have you heard that if an adult drinks breast milk, it will make him retarded? Actually, it's not nice or right to say 'retarded.' The term is developmentally challenged. Curious about the veracity of this possible myth, I had to find out. You know how I love experimenting now! So what did I do??? Oh, it was quite simple actually. The genius in me just came up with a bright idea.

Her royal highness, Funmi was sipping on a glass of milk.....from a wine glass oo! Dunno what she was feeling like. She had to go into the bedroom to do some stuff, so she left her glass of milk on the table. Sitting on the table also was Chidi's feeding bottle. It had breast milk in it, so I thought..... hmmmmmmmmm why not pour some of this breast milk into Funmi's milk???? Hehehehehe. So of course I did! Funmi came out of the room and drank her milk. I had to hold myself from laughing. The funny thing is that she suspected I did it; just goes to show how predictable I am becoming. I need to change my strategies. Operation Make-An-Adult-Drink-Breast-Milk is complete!!

Now I'm watching Funmi for any adverse effects of drinking Busola's milk. The girl already acts developmentaly challenged, so it's hard to tell if her current actions have anything to do with the milk or if she's just being her regular self. I think I have to increase the dose. What do you think?

Oh, by the way, I tasted a drop of the milk too. My dose is nothing compared to Funmi's though. And no, I have not become developmentally challenged.

All Things Are New...

2 Cor 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Lovely readers of Verastically Livin,' please excuse me while I get a lil serious. Yes, I know you're not quite used to this. But contrary to popular belief, Vera can be serious oooo.... ehen. This is a scheduled post. At the time it appears on my blog, I'll be in church, worshipping. What better way to bring in the New Year? Below is my public letter to God. Since everyone is on the internet these days; I figured God must be browsing Verastic.com every now & then, ey? [Yes, I'm still being serious].

*************** Clearing Throat*******************

Dear God,

2008 was something else. Honestly, I still do not know if I should call this a good or a bad year. Most times, it feels lukewarm. The highlight was the day I rededicated my life back to You. I can honestly say that life has not been the same since then. Unfortunately, since my rededication, I have done some things, said some things, and thought some things - all of which I should not have. But I have sought Your face after every fall. And I have hoped and believed that You have forgiven me.

I am sorry, Lord for everything I ever did to hurt Your feelings - and boy, do I have a long list of that. In retrospect, I realize just how very foolish I was. If I could, I would go back in time and undo so many things. Unsay so many words. And unthink so many thoughts. But I cannot. Honestly, what hurts most is the things that I have done. All those times I thought I was smart and grown, I realize now that I was foolish...and a mere baby before You.

I have been waiting anxiously - almost impatiently - for 2008 to end because the thought of it brings so much pain and sadness to my heart. You know these things, Lord. But I am hopeful that 2009 will be better. Ironically, the blessings and prayers I received in 2008 are the reasons I believe that 2009 will be better.

I am grateful for everything You did for me in 2008. For every time You were there to wipe my tears, console me, keep me company, guard me, guide me, listen to me, and even laugh with me, I am grateful. For every time You made a way for me and turned my mountain into an invisible pebble, I am grateful. I am grateful for the births (especially that of Busola's baby, Chidi and my cousin in Nigeria whose name I shamefully do not know), and even though I do not understand why I should be, I am also grateful for the deaths too.

I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful that You preserved me. I know that not everyone I started the year with is here today, but You oh God, have preserved me. And I have done nothing to deserve this. I am grateful for the life of the man that I am so in love with - my father. You cleansed him of that liver malfunction, God. When I asked him what would happen if it was not taken care of and he answered - like a true doctor - precisely, concisely, and a little too bluntly, "Ultimately, death," I thought my life was over. But my dad promised he was not going to die; he said he would live for me. I cried to You, and You, oh God restored his life. [Note to Funmi & Busola: Sorry I did not tell you about my dad's condition. It was just too much to talk about.]

I am grateful for my mom's life. Sometimes, I think of all she has gone thru on my behalf and I cannot help but break down and cry. I only hope to one day be able to spoil her the way I know she'd love to be spoilt: by giving her a few grand-children and then sending them all on vacation to Russia, so that I and my hubby can have some free time to frolic in the sun and possibly make some new babies. [Yes, I'm still being serious]. She is the best mother a girl could have ever prayed for. I trust You, Lord. I trust You to give me the opportunity to make her smile a smile that her face cannot contain.

So for 2009, oh God, I take all my troubles and I hand them over to You. Everything that has been troubling me, I hand them to You because I am powerless. My worrying can only get me so far; it has gotten me as far as it can, and it has not gotten me anywhere. By the end of 2009, I will be back here to give the testimony. You know the one, Lord. I thank You in advance for the message I will receive today. I thank You for the blessings, for the favors, and for the new beginning. I thank You in advance for helping me to publish my book in 2009. I thank You in advance for everything. I just thank You, Father. In retrospect, 2008 was a good year. But 2009 will be better. It will be great. Say Amen for me.


Happy New Year everyone!!! May 2009 bring you all of your heart's desires according to God's will. Amen. I'll be back on Sunday, January 4th 2009.

Unto Us A Child Is Born

I was gonna title this post, "He betrayed me," because that was how I felt on Monday, but I guess I'm over it now - kinda sorta. I promised I had good news for you, so here goes: Busola has had her baby. She gave birth on Monday, December 22nd 2008 at 1:09 PM. The baby weighed 5.12 lbs. Alright, I'll rewind.

I know, I know, I know. I never told anyone that she was pregnant, right? Yes, that's because she made me promise I will not run my mouth on my blog, so you see, I had to keep it a secret. Remember when I said I met some beautiful bloggers?? Well, I met them at the surprise baby shower we had for Busola [which I invited them to]. I could not blog about the shower either because that would have meant disclosing her very pregnant state. But now that she has offloaded, I am free to run my mouth. No, I cannot disclose the name of the baby yet. His naming ceremony will be held tomorrow.

So why did I feel betrayed? Well, let's see. The baby was due to be born on January 19th 2009. I and the baby talked about his supposed due date several times, and we had an agreement - or at least I thought we did. I told him to get born on January 14th - my birthday. He nodded - kicked rather, and I interpreted that to be a handshake. I thought we had agreed! When you shake hands (or kick a foot) on a deal, you do not go back on your words, darn it!!

When Busola called me at almost 2:30 in the morning on Monday to tell me her water had broken, I was devastated. All my dreams of sharing the same birthday with my new boyfriend were shattered. Shattered, I tell you! Busola was not making it easier either. I pleaded with her to shut her legs and hold the delivery off till the 14th of January (I mean, it's not that far), but she refused. The girl refused! After all I have done for her, she could not do this one little thing for me. Now I know who my real friends are - NOT!

Anywayz.... I got over my anger. Why? I witnessed the birth of my new boyfriend. Yes, yours truly witnessed him being born. It was beautiful. Busola was crying. Her husband was crying. Her mother-in-law was crying. But I didn't shed a tear. Alright, who am I kidding? I probably started crying before everyone else. I could not help it. He was so little. And so perfect. I have never seen anyone so beautiful. I should mention that Funmi missed the entire delivery. Why? She was.... *D.R.U.M.R.O.L.L* .... sleeping!!! Yes, sleeping. We called and called, but home girl did not pick up. I had to call her brother's phone. To make matters worse, she couldn't go see the baby after he was born because she was suffering from strep throat and flu. Nnyama. Yuck!

On the day of his birth, I took more than 250 pictures. And no, they're not available yet. Too many pictures to go through and sort out. Remember I have to filter my own pictures out. LOL. I will upload them later. I am so proud of Busola; she did so well. The babe is strong. And beautiful. She's beautiful inside and outside, and I am so, so, so blessed to have her in my life. I'm wondering if I should erase the preceding words because she will call me and say, "Vera, I know you want me." Really, I don't. *hiss*

Soooo after watching Busola give birth, I have learnt a few lessons for my future children. They are outlined below. Maybe you could adopt some of them too.

1. Epidural helps a whole lot! But I will not wait till I am in labor to take my epidural. If my period ventures to be late, that is it ooo! Epidural all the way. Sure, I might be completely paralyzed by the time of delivery, but hey, at least I won't be in pain.

2. Prenatal pills make women glow. I'm not even gonna wait till I get pregnant. From tomorrow, I will start downing prenatal pills. I wanna start now to have that pregnancy glow, so that when I become pregnant, I will glow even more. Of course, it will grow my hair too. Speaking of hair, I hope it's only the one on my head ooo!

3. When you're pregnant, people are nice to you. As soon as I get pregnant, I will begin to crave anything and everything - including but not limited to perfumes, shoes, range rovers, Nokias, Black Berries, money, jewelry....etc. You know now...the regular stuff that pregnant women crave.

4. Since child birth is so painful, I will give birth in rapid succession. While I'm pregnant with child #1, I will have plenty of unprotected sex with hubby, so that he can get me pregnant...while I'm already pregnant. That way, as soon as I give birth to child #1, I will come back to the hospital in about 4 months time to give birth to child #2, and then in another 3 months to give birth to child #3. Before you know it, I would have popped out all my five children (including my set of confusingly identical twin boys).

5. When you're in labor, people will do anything and everything to make you feel better. I will shut my legs and demand a ransom for the release of the baby. Sure, you may call it fetusnapping, but do I care?? Nope! The ransom will not be anything that is too difficult to get. All I would demand is that Obama come into my bedroom, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, rub my tummy and tell me that I'm doing good. That is all I will demand. Now is that too much??? Do I hear a resounding, "No!!!"

Shikena. I'm a very simple babe. It's really not difficult to please me. Like I said, I apologize for not having pictures of the baby's birth, but for now, please enjoy the pictures of the baby shower. And no, there are no bloggers in the pictures. They can show you their pictures themselves. Click HERE to view the pictures. So please join us in thanking God oh for this favor. We are truly blessed. My dear sister, Busola is favored in eyes of God.

This is my last post for 2008. See you in 2009 - January 1st 2009. 12:01 AM baby!!! I no go disappoint una na...

Feliz Navidad!!!

***Vera singing***


"I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad...."


While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY - JANUARY 14TH!!!


So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn't gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, "If Jesus could do it, then why not me?"


So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy's womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me - like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down - with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have - whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.


There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It's a miracle I don't care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn't take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn't apologized for that. I wonder if it's too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress...


On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you - complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.


1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).


2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)


3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)


4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).


6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)


8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome


9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

My dear people, though my birthday isn't till next month, I have currently started accepting gifts due to the rush. For your sake (I know you wouldn't want your gift(s) to be late), I advice that you send your gifts ASAP....in order to avoid the rush, of course.

***Merry Christmas!!!*** I'll see you on the 28th of Dec 2008. I have some good news. But meanwhile, please enjoy my new note: Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender

So It's My Fault???

I found two out of my closest friends in Naija on Facebook the other day. Imagine my pleasant surprise. One of them was my best friend [in Naija] and she got married in August. The other one was also really, really close to me, and she got married before my best friend. Anyway, they're now both married. This wasn't news to me since we talk on the phone quite often. Although not as often as we used to when I was in Naija, of course. Time and distance has put a damper on our relationship.


Anyway, they're both married now, and one that got married first now has a child. I was looking at her pictures on Facebook (kai, thank God for Facebook ooo). I saw pictures of her while she was pregnant and pictures of her with her child. It was so weird looking at this chic and her baby. Silly me. All I could think was "I guess she's no longer a virgin." LOL. Hey, don't blame me. I grew up with this gal! Three of us practically grew up together. We went to the same elementary and high school. We grew breasts together and experienced our menarche (first period) together.


Actually, they grew breasts together and experienced their menarche together. I was a late bloomer on all counts. I don't wanna start thinking about those days that everyone but me had breasts. Oh, the tears I shed! But hey, if they could see me now... hehehehehe *I laugh in Russian* It was traumatizing oh, but don't let me bore you with my tales of former breastlessness.


As I was saying before I digressed, I was looking at my friends' pictures on Facebook. I decided to show my mother the pictures to see if she recognized them. My mother and her blunt sef....you won't believe what she had to say to me.


Mom: *twisting her mouth Naija style* Your friends, aren't they your age or younger?


Me: *wondering what her point was* Rita (the one with the baby) is my age, but Linda is a year younger than me. Why?


Mom: Your friends that you started out with are married and having children and you you're here. What are you doing?


Me: *astonished* You're joking, right?! Mom, please! How can I get a husband when you don't want to let me out of your sight? [Yes, that is my reason. No, not an excuse, but a REASON]. If I say I'm going to see a movie, you'll squeeze your face, so how do you expect me to find a husband under such duress? [Yes, I call it duress]


Mom: You don't go to places where you can find a husband. You go to Funmi's and Busola's house.


Okay, I had to laugh out loud. Darn it. Why does she always have to be right??? Come to think of it, I barely go anywhere else and just like Mama Vera said, man no dey for Funmi & Busola house ooo. I have been going to their house for years, and I am yet to meet one eligible bachelor there. I don't think eligible bachelors live on their street. In fact, I don't think eligible bachelors live in their zip code sef.


So strategize, I must. Find new friends, I must too. Funmi and Busola are not doing me any good. As soon as I collect my Christmas and birthday gifts, I will ditch them for some new friends. I cannot be friends with people who cannot hook me up with eligible bachelors. *hiss* Wetin sef? Anyway speaking of my birthday, I hope y'll are preparing?? It's Jan 14th, baby!


And uhm, feel free to read up on my former breastlessness HERE

What Would Happen?

....If I were to swallow one pill of Extenze for a week or two??

The other day, I was doing my assignment late @ night. I had to stay up late to do it because I had procastinated for so long and finally, I was doing it at the eleventh hour. Why do today what you can do tomorrow, right? Oh, well. But I digress. I was in my bedroom, minding my own laptop when I had to go pee. On my way back, I could not help but glance at the TV when I realized that Ocean's Eleven (a movie I've watched several times but still love watching) was playing. I decided to stay in the living room and do my assignment. That wasn't a very smart move, seeing as I finished my assignment at six in the morning. But anyway...

Like I said, it was late @ night - at about one or two in the morning. I must have seen at least three commercials of Extenze during the course of the movie. Extenze is a medication that is made for men to help extend their member. It enhances their "desire, pleasure, and performance." The makers of Extenze are apparently so confident in their work that they are willing to send a free bottle! All the man has to do is pay shipping and handling.

But being as Verastic as I am, I could not help but muster up some thoughts of my own: what would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??? Would certain body parts get bigger too? Would she suddenly grow hair in places she never knew she could grow hair on (like the sole of her feet and maybe her tongue)? Would her voice become deeper? Or wait, would she then begin to grow said member??? Questions, questions, questions. But who will answer them?

I've got an idea!! How about some ladies volunteer themselves for this experiment? Look @ it as your own contribution to science. Or don't you want your children to know more? We'll divide the group of women into two: half of them will take the actual medication, but the other half (unbeknownst to them) will take the placebo. My team of highly professional professionals will monitor them closely for adverse effects. I would have loved to take part in this sure-to-win-a-pulitzer-award research, but as the experimenter, it will be unwise - not to mention, unsafe - for me to take part in it. That will be considered going native. Besides, I want to do a purely observational research. So who's in? Don't make me start picking people myself!!!

For the guys, I'm sure you feel left out, and I'm sorry, but don't worry, I'll think of something for you. Ever wondered what it'd be like to wear a tampon?? No?? What about taking a birth control pill? Well, sit back and relax, I'll think of something really good for you guys. You're too good and too fine to be left out of history. In the meantime in between time, feel free to donate any of the following people to the cause of this scientific research: girlfriend(s), wife(ves), mother, grandmother(s), great grandmother(s), mother in-law, sister(s) in-law, ex-wife(ves), ex-fiancee(s), sister(s), ex-girlfriend(s), fiancee(s), female friend(s), female enemy(ies), female coworker(s), female boss(es), etc. Any female in fact!

P.S. My current status on Facebook says, 'Vera is wondering what will happen if a woman takes Extenze - the medication that extends a man's uhm...member." The responses (over 40 between Monday evening and Tuesday morning) have been hilarious to say the least! Goodness, humor is such a beautiful thing. If you're my friend on Facebook and you're bored, feel free to read up on them...and add your own 2 cents. Or you could add me as your friend.

So back to my question: what do you think would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??

The Milky One

I have always loved milk. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of tasty milk. Please note that I said 'tasty.' That means I was not a fan of soy milk or whatever other questionable milk they sold and still sell in stores.


I don't know what tasted better between fura de nono and peak milk. I know which one my mother was not in favor of: fura de nono. She gave me a list of diseases that I was sure to suffer if I kept on drinking fura de nono, but as a true daughter of my father (the man who sucked his own mother's breast until she died...@ about age 70), I could not be warned. As far as I was concerned, mom could have as well been talking to a rock because nothing she said could keep me away from my fura de nono!


Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono - unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa! That is an abominable act. Instead, I have channeled all my frustration to the next best thing: peak milk.

In case you're wondering why I think peak milk is the best, well, it's because it was, and still is - in my opinion anyway. The other milks like Nido, Coast, and especially Cowbell were no match for Peak. Speaking of cowbell, I suddenly remember my broke days in high school when the N10 satchet of cowbell milk was a gift of love to me. But I digress...

Back to the peak milk. I used to love all forms of peak milk when I was in Naija - powdered, evaporated, and condensed. I still love all forms, but I mostly use the powdered one. I am a cereal junkie, so sometimes, I have cereal (cold cereal, oat meal, etc... and let's not forget garri coz it counts as cereal too) for dinner. Of course, you know I love custard. I'm sure you remember my love affair with it. No matter what I choose to have, I obviously have to adorn it with peak milk...or else, it just isn't the same.


Therein lies the problem! When I wake up in the morning, I look like I'm six months pregnant, and I know it's an unnatural stomach. My stomach is not flat but I gauge it at night before going to bed. Then throughout the day, I release silent killers aka tear gas aka gases of mass destruction, better known as stinky farts everywhere I go. This isn't rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the culprit behind my plight: peak milk!


Sometimes, the farting occurs at night. Those are the worst. Oh, the horror! Sometimes, they're so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, 'Jesus!' or 'Blood of Jesus!' But after I get a whiff of the not-so-pleasant smell, I realize that the only thing I have to fear is well - myself. When one starts getting woken up by the thunderous sound of his or her own fart, then nsobu di kwa (there is trouble o).


So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance? I am not ready to give up peak milk o. And neither am I willing to attend a 12-step program called Peak Milk Addicts Anonymous. But I have to fix this. What will happen when I get married? I don't want my husband going to bed in the night with a flat tummy and waking up with a tummy that has risen like agege bread because he has inhaled all my you-know-what. Something tells me my in-laws will not appreciate it either. But then again, I guess he'll like the smell. It should be part of him since we'll be one, right?


Oh, God. I cannot wait for this husband of mine. There is soooooooooo much we have to explore! So many experiments to perform. So many questions to ask...and answer.

First question: what happens to hubby's tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey's gaseous waste?


p.s. I already drink Lactaid, but I can only use it for cold cereal (excluding garri).

Priceless! - Episode 2

Meeting a man without having to join some singles' network: + $300

Having said man ask you for your number: + $100

Realizing he has a good job and mentally calculating your future good life (come on, we all do it!): + $ 100, 000

Realizing he's a mighty good dancer: + $300 (You don't have to pay for dance classes)

Finding him kinda, sorta cute: + $1000 (you won't be ashamed to show up with him in public)

Realizing he @ least attends church: + $500 (you won't have to buy books to explain to him why church is imperative. And hopefully, he comprehends spirituality and being born again; if not, there are ways to change that....including but not limited to twisting of the arms, pulling of both ears, pinching of both nipples, sexual starvation, kicking of the groin, slapping of the cheeks, pointing of a gun to his head, violent smacking of his butt cheeks, etc....you get my drift. He'll come to Jesus after one or all of these).




Finding out he asked You and Your Friend out....and gave you both different names: PRICELESS

There are some things in life that money can't buy. For everything else, there is Mastercard....to pay for the private investigators who will investigate our toasters....and reveal a few things...like the probability of them asking our friends out!


FYI: Funmi is the one I'm talking about here. Sadly, I'm the other friend. Cruel, cruel world. lol. Please send all your condolences to Funmi; she's the one who thought he was cute .... and a good dancer ... and all that ish.

But in his defense, he didn't lie about his name. Let's say his name is Wesley. He told Funmi his name is 'Wes' and he told me his name is 'Lee.' So technically, he didn't lie. And he asked Funmi out first. So Funmi is the iyale and I'm the iyawo. Sebi that means I'm the hotter one?? Obviously, Funmi musta been doing something wrong. That's my story and I'm sticking 2 it!


Read Episode 1 of my priceless series HERE

This Tropical Rain Forest Sha

I have been kinda busy lately. It's not been easy updating my blog, but I have tried to stay on top of things. I have not even had the time to blog-patrol as usual, and I apologize. Don't take my absence on your blog as anything personal. Time has just not really been on my side. When has it ever been? That being said, I hate to admit this sad, painful truth: I have let myself go! Now brace yourself as I intend to get very Verastic.

So on wednesday, I took my clothes off in front of my dresser. I was standing there completely nude when I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, ah...I thought I already took off my underwear." It took another glimpse for me to realize that what I thought was an underwear was not an underwear, but rather my pubic hair. Oturugbeke! When did it become this bad?????

I know I have been busy, but my goodness!! It's a black tropical rain forest down there. I don't know why I have so much hair; it's not like I'm planning on growing my own weave or something, so what the heck is going on? It is a wonder that my sponge has not gotten tangled yet. This is really mind-boggling. When did all this hair grow? It's really weird for me because I actually groom frequently, and besides, I'm not even a hairy person, so it takes a long time for my hair to grow. The fact that I have so much hair there makes me feel like I have not groomed in months. Oh, goodness... has it really been months???

If I had a husband, this would be the time he would have asked in a serious, matter-of-fact tone, "Vera, are you trying to grow dada (dread locks) down there?" But alas, there is no husband, so I must witness this abomination alone. Of course, I have gotten rid of the tropical rain forest. I am now so fresh and so clean. Luckily for me, I did not need the services of a professional lawn mower, neither did I need a bull dozer to get rid of the fallen trees (strands of hair).

Oh, and by the way, I took a picture of the tropical rain forest and sent it to Busola & Funmi for their viewing pleasure. Hehehehe. The last time I sent such a ridiculous picture, it was a picture of my poop, and I sent it because it (the poop) was unusually long. Busola happened to open the picture while she was eating. Let's just say she has since banned me from sending picture messages to her phone. lol. But did that stop me? Nope?? Although, I'm now kinda wishing I didn't....

My people, please help me beg Busola ooo! She is threatening to show her husband a picture of my pubis. Busola, stop it oooo! And she's saying she'll take the picture to work to show everyone. They already think I'm crazy @ her job because she keeps telling them ridiculous stories of me. Busola, I'm sorry!!! Biko, don't do this thing you're threatening to do oh; it will ruin my reputation. And Funmi is in support of this evil. Sooooo not funny!!! Busola said I should have thought about my reputation b4 sending the picture. Kai... how I go take do damage control?

Not A Real Update, I Know...

First of all, I would like 2 apologize 2 the crew for not being able to put up my 'I Believe In God' post. I have been really busy and even more tired. This blog was supposed to have been updated since Sunday, November 30th, but because of how tired I've been....well, you know the rest.

Also, I'd like 2 publicly apologize to Geisha.Song for not having sent in my record-breaking, eardrum-blasting, platinum-winning single (aka my Christmas carol). I hope it's not too late. I'd still wanna shock people with the horror of my singing. I tell you, you'll be so shocked @ how badly a person can suck @ singing. But I console myself with the fact that I'm not as bad as the rest (Busola, Funmi, & Uju).

Lastly, I'd like to tell you all that I had a fabulous weekend. I met three ridiculously goodlooking bloggers: one thing is for sure....we have to do this again! Dave & Busters, anyone???

Now, excuse me while I straighten a few things out. I'll be right back.

What Shall We Do Today?

***Vera singing...***

Today ohhh, I'll lift up my voice in praise. For I know, You are always there for me. Almighty God, You are my all and all. No matter what they say, when trouble comes my way, I will praise Your name......


Happy Thanksgiving y'll!!! I was gonna title this post, What Are You Thankful For? But then I figured it might be too....errrrr..... expected/regular??? So I fugured, why not start out by singing??

If I were to tell you that I am exactly where I thought I would be @ this point in my life, I would be lying to you. There are lots of things I thought I would have accomplished by now that I am yet to accomplish. There are milestones I swore I would meet by now, but they remain to be done. I thought I would have published my book by now, but obviously, that has not happened. I thought I would at least be in a serious relationship by now, but that isn't happening either.

I know I often blog about the ridiculous men I meet, but those are not the only ones I meet. I don't bother blogging about the ones that seem like potentials...... until the bottom falls out and I realize hell would have to freeze over before I date them. Let's face it: relationships are difficult. For this reason, I intend to make it a little less difficult for myself by first dating the right person. In my XX years on earth, I have learnt a few things: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a damn duck. Soooo when a man begins to have questionable behavior, I flee.

So on this 27th day of November 2008, I am thankful to God for numerous things

1. I am thankful, first & foremost for my life and my health
2. I am thankful for my family, especially mom and dad
3. I am thankful for my friends-turned-sisters, Busola & Funmi (they're the best friends a gal could ask for).
4. I am thankful for the unusual happy days I have been having
5. I am thankful for what I have been able to accomplish thus far.
6. I am thankful for the talent God has blessed me with.
7. I am thankful for the countless times He has forgiven me and taken me back
8. I am thankful for His grace, for His love, and for His kindness
9. I am thankful for who I am
10. And lastly, I am thankful for all you wonderful people - bloggers and non-bloggers alike. You all don't know how much your e-mails, phone calls, text messages, and comments mean to me. They encourage me. They make me more determined. They make me not want to disappoint you, and by His grace, I won't. Keep me in your prayers, please.

And I pray to God...... for wisdom. For patience. For strength. For perseverence. For faith. For long life. For health. For prosperity. For uncommon favor. For His grace.

Alright, I'm done being serious. Now, lemme leave you with the text I sent to almost everyone in my phonebook. No1 is safe from my text messages, I tell ya!

"Happy thanksgiving!!! Remember it's only about a month before Christmas. Hope you're saving up for my gift - a 2009 Range Rover. Make sure it's black & semi tinted with leather interior. And of course, with bluetooth and voice activation features. Need my address?"

Alright, I Confess.....I DID IT!!!

Yes, I did it!! I cannot take it anymore....the shame. The guilt. The nightmares!!! Oh, for the love of God, forgive me, I did it. I cannot bear this burden in my heart anymore. I must confess.

Several years ago (way before I migrated to US of A), I spent Christmas in my maternal grandmother's house in the village. I loved having several trees of sweet oranges @ my disposal. I loved being able to eat okpa (that thing like moi moi they make in a leaf) any time I wanted. I loved being able to eat that sweet fruit...still don't know its name, but the back is green and inside is white with seeds. So milky & sweet! I loved all the fruits @ my disposal in fact.

But I hated some things too. I hated the heat. I had to take showers several times a day. I hated the dust. I hated my grandmother's huge turkey that used to chase me around the compound. It always stood outside the door whenever I went to take a shower, so I always had to scream 4 help. Someone always had to come and chase the darn thing away. I think it had a crush on my; I don't know if I should be flattered, amused, worried, or scared. Right now, I'm all of the above. I hated the fact that the bathroom and the toilet were outside the house. I hated the way people always felt the need to touch me or pull my cheeks. I hate being touched by strangers.

Most of all, I hated the toilet. It was a pit toilet! I have a big enough problem being in other people's bathroom, so that pit toilet was torture for me. I never saw poop on the floor, but I always imagined it to be there. The sounds of buzzing flies never made it easier for me either. The idea of exposing my butt hole to a pit full of other people's poop was just not appealing to me. What if a fly that had touched someone else's poop came and perched on my butt? Or worse, my face? Eww!! I hated the dinginess of that toilet. I just couldn't stand it. So I devised a plan. Oh, yes, indeed, I did.

You know those 'santana bags?' Those clear bags they use to bag things in Naija (like peanuts)? Yeah, well, grandma had loadz of them. So guess what I did. I only pooped when I was ready to take a shower. And how did I do it, you ask? In the bag of course! I did it in the bathroom where there were no flies buzzing around. So whatever happened to the bagfuls of poop? Oh, well, I kinda sorta flung them over fence..... into my grandma's farm!!

Before you judge me, I did not know that was part of my grandma's farm! I thought it belonged to someone else. Yes, how very selfish of me, I know. And I was only about maybe 13 or 14 then (not that I wouldn't do it again if the chance presented itself...). So all through the time I was in the village, I flung all my poop across the fence. It was a perfect plan. No1 ever knew what I did. Every time I did it, a mischievous smile crept upon my face, a smile that was often confused as innocense. Ah, if only they knew!

But several years later, my grandma migrated to the States (2002, to be precise), and one day, she and my mother somehow talked about the farm. Hehehehehehe. Well, let's just say my grandma told my mother about how she had found bags of poop in her farm. Walahi, it took all the strength I had to not burst out laughing. What made it funnier was that I was my mother's first suspect. I dunno why. Did she really think of me as someone who was that mischievous? My feelings were hurt...NOT!

So, of course, I kept a straight face and denied it squarely. I went as far as saying how nasty it was for someone to do such a terrible, terrible thing! Seriously, how could some1 in their right mind poop in a bag and then fling it into someone's farm? People can be so cruel! Yeah, whatever.

So, there goes my confession. I am free. Let my grandma not say I never admitted guilt.

Oral Sex: To Do Or Not To Do???

Weird topic, I know. Interesting topic, I know that too.

Last week, I attended an African American group meeting where an interesting conversation ensued. As you should know by now, the topic is whether or not oral sex should be done/given. For the most part of the conversation, I sat laughing at what everyone else had to say. I never really said where I stood or did not stand. I just listened. And laughed.

Before I tell you what people had to say, let me tell you that this group consisted of Africans and African Americans; males and females, and also singles and married. So we were pretty much diverse - or at least diverse enough. Most people (let me say about 95%) said oral sex is an absolute necessity. The remaining 5% said it was not a necessity. One lady (who happens to be Nigerian) flat out said she will never give her husband oral sex (and she does not want to receive it either). She also added that her husband does not want it anyway....which brings me to another question...

How possible is this? Is it possible that some man somewhere does not like (to receive) oral sex? By the way, if it means anything to you, none of the men involved in this conversation said that oral sex is not a necessity. In fact, one of them (who also happens to be Nigerian) said that "any woman who is not willing to give her husband oral sex is planning her retirement package." He said that a man might say he does not 'want' or 'like' oral sex, but he'll only say that to respect his wife's wishes. However, once he cannot endure it anymore, he will seek alternatives.... i.e. a woman who is willing to do the deed.

So I'm really curious: how important is oral sex?

Morning Rituals

My last post brought up some very funny questions and comments. I now feel the need to defend myself and elaborate on this apparently strange issue....as if no1 else has forgotten to brush their teeth before! lol.

Just Toluwa asked about my morning rituals. First of all, I do not usually forget to brush my teeth. In fact, I brush more than once - at least twice, which is why the physical state of my toothbrush was - and still is - an enigma to me. That being said, my bathroom-related morning rituals are as follows...

1. Wash my underwear. [I went to a boarding school in Naija. We used 2 wash our underwear every morning b4 taking a bath. It's been years, but I have not been able to drop the habit. By the way, I wash my underwear first because I feel like it gives me the opportunity to wash my hands b4 brushing my teeth.]

2. Gargle with Listerine pre-brush whitening rinse. [We don't usually buy this @ home, but the regular Listerine mouthwash we just got came with it]

3. Brush my teeth @ least twice.

4. Rinse my mouth with Listerine mouthwash [ooh la la]

5. Wash my face with an Olay Facial Cloth. [I don't know why I use this cloth. I've been using it for years. I keep using it because it's a habit. No complaints from my face anyway]

6. Operation Finally-Take-A-Shower begins. [I wash myself from the top down. Sometimes once; sometimes twice. Then I tie the sponge around my waist, so that the water coming out of the shower head can rinse me & my sponge down. Yes, I also learnt this from boarding school]. The End!!!

So what was the point of explaining all this? Well, I was just tryna defend myself 4 forgetting to brush my teeth on Saturday before attending the baby shower. You see, I woke up @ about six in the morning that day. I did all my rituals except the part of brushing my teeth. Why? I intended to go back to sleep, so I figured there was no point brushing my teeth because I was still going to sleep. My plan was to wake up later and brush my teeth. But alas, I never did go back 2 bed. Instead I had some brunch with the unclean mouth. So you see how I ended up going to the baby shower with my mouth...???

On another note, Temite has been wanting to know the reason for my happiness. Well, who am I to keep hiding it? I will tell the truth o. Why shall I shy? Temite, darling, in order to express my joy well well, I will sing a song 4 u. I had to edit the original version a little bit:

*Vera singing* Temite dey ask me say, Vera wetin dey make you smile? I just dey tell her say, na Jesus dey make me smile. I dey smile, I dey smile, I dey smile. I dey smile, I dey smile, smile, smile. I just dey tell her say, no be me oh na handwork of God. *end of singing*

By the way, while on the issue of forgetting to do some essentials b4 going out, I also once forgot to wear underwear b4 going out...and I was wearing a skirt. But you see, it was totally Busola's fault. I was about to take a shower when she got to my house and we had to go shopping. So I had to just dress up and follow her since she refused to wait for me to take a shower. Apparently, I take too long in the shower. And uhm, no, I did not deliberately forget to wear underwear. Going commando is not really my thing - yet.

P.S. No, I did not try on any pants (trousers) @ the shop. That woulda been risky business....seeing as I had no protection.

One Of Those Days

What's a girl to do when she cannot summon the strength to blog even though she feels like she has so much to blog about??

I guess she could update her blog and let everyone know that she doesn't quite know what to blog about. Too many issues bouncing around in her head. A flight of ideas, yes?

She could tell everyone about Saturday. She was on her way to a baby shower when she suddenly remembered that she forgot to brush her teeth that morning. She had to stop at a gas station to buy a bottle of water. Parked outside in the dark, she popped her trunk open, went through her in-case-of-incassities bag where she has everything but a bath tub, and pulled out a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, and a bottle of mouthwash. Standing out there in the fierce windy cold, she shamelessly brushed her teeth twice and gargled with listerine mouthwash.

Her breath was minty fresh after that. And then, she proceeded to the baby shower, exuding an air of confidence that could only come from having a fresh breath. Oh, she thanked her God for that in-case-of-incassities bag. Her friends, Funmi & Busola always thought she was crazy for having that bag in her car. The bag also contained a bible, two underwears, a sponge, liquid soap, a towel, a bath robe, lotion, deodorant,, sleeping clothes, and facial cleansers. She just has an obsession with being ready - just in case. The incident on Saturday caused her to add a bottle of water to that bag. Obviously, she'll need water to brush her teeth.

But she'll update properly later.

So This Past Weekend...

I went for the naming ceremony like I mentioned in my other post. That ceremony was baaaad!!! ... in a good way, of course. DJ dey there. Live band sef dey there. We danced and danced. The music kept switching from DJ to live band. I danced till I could dance no more - literally. I pulled a muscle, and that was soooo not funny! Both of my legs are still hurting badly. My thighs hurt. My calves hurt. My feet hurt. My toes hurt. I wore heels most of the day - night rather. Funmi drove us to the venue; I drove back. It shoulda taken me an hour to get home; I drove home in like 40 mins. Na so I dey speed 4 road. Funmi and her three siblings all fell asleep in the car and left their lives in my hands. I shoulda driven us all into a ditch.

By the way, you know what time I left the party? Past six in the morning! And the only reason why it was six in the morning was because the time had changed. It would have been seven in the morning. Never in my life have I attended such a naming ceremony. Alcohol was unlimited. Music was unlimited. Dancing was unlimited. Food sef was unlimited. Even though I did not have a drop of alcohol, I felt drunk on something. It musta been the music. Or someone drugged my sunkist.

The party couldn't go without meeting those people. Out of respect for the hosts, I will not blog about everyone I feel like blogging about. I will however, blog about two guys whom I have absolutely no respect for.

Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Be-Friends: So there I was dancing away, not caring who was looking or what they mighta been thinking about this Igbo gal who was dancing with her ikebe. Mr. I Just Wanna Be Friends decided that he wanted to talk 2 me. After the usual small talk like what's your name, where are you from...blah blah blah, he got down to business.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: No, I have a boyfriend. (forget about the veracity of this statement. That is my new story, and I'm sticking to it.)

Him: [looking puzzled] I just wanna be friends. (Yeah, right! Gimme a break. Na so dem dey take become friends 4 ur village? *hiss*)

Me: No, I'm sorry I still can't.

Him: What about an email address?

Me: Nope.

Him: Please. I'm begging you.

Me: No, I cannot.

Him: Do you live with your boyfriend?

Me: No.

Him: So what's the problem? Will he beat you if he finds out you're talking to me?

Me: [amused] No, he won't beat me, but I still cannot.

Him: Maybe you'll consider me next time we meet then?

Me: Yeah, maybe.



So I bet you're wondering what's so special about him. Well, the next day, I found out he's married!! And his wife is pregnant. Ah, the God that I serve is a living God oh. What kind of nonsense is this? Tufia kwa. It is not my portion oo. I rebuke all ye married men. If I see him next time and he dares to open his mouth and say that rubbish to me, I'll have a very good answer for him.



Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Screw-Her: Yes, people. Someone actually said he just wants to screw me, that's all. He told Funmi that he liked me, but he hoped I wasn't the kind who will cling to him after he got what he wanted. After Funmi told him I wasn't that type (who will give it up...unless you're Barack Obama), he said that was even better because he did not wanna share me with anyone else. By the way, this dude is married. With kids. And maybe like two baby mamas. And yes, he's Nigerian - Yoruba to be precise. And that nonsense Funmi of a girl even came to deliver the message to me. So what did I do? I told her to tell him to talk to me himself. Boy, I can't wait to lay his ass out. You should see this guy I'm talking about. Busola swears he looks like a goat. Looking @ the pictures, I cannot say I didn't see the very striking resemblance between him and that goat my grandma used to have. May his soul rest in perfect stomach.



I really am tempted to show pictures of these dudes. I know they know me. The goat-looking one will not have a hard time locating this site. We have plenty mutual acquaintances. I'm not scared of what will happen if I put his picture here, but out of respect for the hosts, I will not.



This is that crazy friend of mine, Funmi. The gal was dancing alllllllllll night long. She swears she was not drunk, but I beg to differ. As we speak right now, a special team is investigating the issue. If it makes you feel better, there are plenty more pictures from where this one came from. In other words, you know I won't leave you without pictures. There were about 1000 (yes, one thousand) pictures, but I have only uploaded 62 for your viewing pleasure. I doubt if any of you wanna see a thousand pictures. Oh, I forgot to mention that the baby's name is Tanitoluwa. She has other names actually, but Tanitoluwa is my favorite, so I will call her, Tani! She's soooo gorgeous. To view the pictures, click HERE



And can I just say, Congrats Obama!!!!!

Yes, We Can?? Yes, We Have!!!!!!!!

Oh, thank you, Lord!!!!!! I am dancing. Singing. Shouting. Screaming. I am doing anything and everything I can think of right now. Obama is the next President of the United States of America. Thank you, Father!!! Me, I no fit shout.....!!! It is OVER!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy right now that I feel like putting up a picture of myself. I need to go offline before I do. I am this close. Walahi.... I am ready to attach the picture.

I'm out!!!

Barack Da Vote!!!

Okay....so this is not a real update. Forgive me. I have been typing up a post for y'll since yesterday, and I still have not been able to post it. I wanted to gist you about the naming ceremony I attended (and also show some pictures, of course), but right now...

I'm scared!!!!

When I came home, Obama had 3 electoral votes while McCain had 16. I was about to pass out. I was shaking like a leaf in winter. For those that are either not following the race or just not into politics, the magic number that each candidate has to get is 270. As of right now, Obama has 103 electoral votes while McCain has 58.

Okay, breath Vera.

The fact that McCain even has any electoral vote at all means that God did not answer my prayer - the one where all McCain supporters will mistakenly vote for Obama.

Okay, I'm off. I'll update properly later. Maybe tomorrow. If Obama doesn't win, I might not blog tomorrow. In fact, I will NOT blog. God, I'm really very scared.

Goodbye Public Picture Of Vera

My goodness, my heart has just been beating gbam gbam gbam ever since that Busola of a girl put up her wedding website. Busola got engaged in 2006 (can't believe it's been two years already) and I blogged about her engagement. Anyway, she made one of those wedding websites, of course. As her maid of honor (which really was an honor to her), she had to have my picture up there in her Bridal Party section...

So there it was.....a very clear picture of me with my name, Vera Ezimora clearly inscribed beside it. The thing was giving me hives. Every time I visited her site, I shrieked. Of course, I conveniently forgot to mention to bloggers that Busola's wedding website was up and that my picture was there. In fact, my blogging life came to a halt. Honestly, I didn't stop blogging because of my picture. I just got busy, but it all worked out, I guess because I know myself; I mighta let it slip out of my mouth (fingers).


Some people discovered me sha although they weren't bloggers, or at least not that I know of anyway. But this other website that I will also conveniently not mention here, their amebo members discovered me. Chei. They were having a 5th year anniversary party here in Maryland, but I sternly declined the invitation, feigning anonymity, only to be told, "But Vera, we already saw your picture na. We saw it on Busola's website. One of the members saw your picture and brought it to everyone's attention. He/she started a thread and told everyone that one of our writers is there." Well, isn't that just lovely! So, I bowed my head in shame and attended the party. lol.

But now, the website has expired. It expired ever since actually, and I have been making attempts to visit it, trying to trick the internet into leading me to it, just in case the big world wide web is hiding it, lol, but so far, nothing. Yay!!! I can now breathe and go to sleep easily. I'm not quite sure why I'm so into this picture thing. I'm not even 'anonymous.' A buncha people already know what I look like. And I am actually readily available to meet with people. I might as well be out with it, yes? I dunno how long I will keep hiding my face. A picture of me seems to surface on facebook every month. How long am I supposed to stalk facebook and untag all pictures of me? Ko easy oooo!!!

Anyway, now that the picture is gone, I'm sooooooo excited. I can now go around and look for trouble anywhere, anyhow, any time, knowing that no1 knows what I look like. I can go to SolomonSydelle's house and pee in her closet. She'll never know it was me. I can go to Naapali's house and steal one of his expensive bikes. He'll never know it was me. I can go to Standtall's house and steal Molly or Garfield (and use them to cook cat fried rice which I will serve to Standtall to eat). I can go to Aloofar the Effiko's house and steal his books (or pour coffee on them). Who will tell him I did it? I can throw a rock thru Bumight's window and she'll never know it was me. I can send a text to Qmoney, borrow some money and run away. She'll never see me. I can remove all the pegs on Oluwadee's clothes hanging on the line outside. I can post the video of Mizchif receiving a lap dance from the female stripper @ the strip club (Yeah, I bet she didn't know I knew! lol). I can kidnap Tobenna's fiancee and stand in her place. He'll never notice (wait, has the wedding passed???). I can steal Temmy Tayo's son. I can steal Simi Speak's daughter. Okay.... enough. Shebi you get the idea??? I am invincible!! Simply unstoppable.

By the way, happy one-year wedding anniversary to Busola!! She got married on the 27th of October 2007. Yes, I know today is November 1st, but so what??? And you will not believe what Funmi suggested she give her husband as an anniversary gift - I can just hear Funmi's heart pounding here. She thinks I'm gonna rub shit all over her face and tell all of blogville. Well, I'd like to, but ---- Happy Anniversary, Busola!!!

Shebi una remember Y?? The one we had a baby shower for where Funmi was shamelessly yahoozeeing?? Well, she had a bouncing baby gal!! As you read this now sef, I might be over there 4 the naming ceremony. If Funmi yahoozees today, you bet I'll capture it. Anything for you, blogville!! What can I say? I have no social life. You, blogville, are my social life.

Now That I've Been Interviewed By Standtall...

Certain things have to change around here. I am no longer on you people's level oo! I am now an interviewee. This means that I can no longer be addressed as Vera, but rather as Madam Interviewee Vera. Shey una grab??

Here are a few rules and regulations that all bloggers and commentors must follow

1. No one is allowed to start a blog without first consulting Madam Interviewee Vera and getting her permission.

2. No one is allowed to put up a blog post or comment on any post (including theirs) without first consulting Madam Interviewee Vera and getting her permission.

3. All bloggers must send a bottle of perfume to Madam Interviewee Vera's P. O. BOX monthly. Failure to do this will result in area boys beating the defiant blogger up.

4. All male bloggers are required to give Madam Interviewee Vera a foot rub and a back massage once a month. Please email your schedule to her immediately.

5. All female bloggers are required to come & wash Madam Interviewee Vera's plates, underwears, and bras once a month. Please email your schedule to her immediately.

6. All bloggers are required to send a text to Madam Interviewee Vera's phone once a month. The text must read: "I love you, Madam Interviewee Vera. You're the most beautiful woman in the world. What will I ever do without you?" To which Madam Interviewee Vera will respond, "Nothing, of course."

7. All bloggers are required to do a Tribute to Madam Interviewee Vera post once a month. This tribute will discuss all the wonderful things about Madam Interviewee Vera, and how Blogville is nothing without her.

8. After much deliberation, Madam Interviewee Vera has decided that Blogger/Blogspot will no longer be a free service. There will now be a payment of $50 per month. All cash, money orders, and checks should be mailed to Madam Interviewee Vera's P. O. BOX.

9. A 2010 Range Rover is no longer sufficient for Madam Interviewee Vera. It just doesn't quite befit her status. Madam Interviewee Vera is now requesting a 2011 Range Rover instead. Black exterior, leather interior, and semi-tinted windows.

10. Finally, all male bloggers are required to propose to Madam Interviewee Vera with an engagement ring that costs at least $5000. And all female bloggers must ooh and ahh during each proposal.

***As much as Madam Interviewee Vera would like to accept all the proposals, the fact is that she will be overwhelmed. She may not say yes to marriage, but she will take the ring, and then there will be a no-wedding wedding (a wedding celebrating the non-existence of a wedding).

Rules for the no-wedding wedding.

1. All bloggers and commentors must attend.

2. Each guest must arrive in their own Limousine - rented and paid for by the guest.

3. Each female guest must buy the asebi lace ($650 for five yards), matching scarf ($80), and Italian shoes & bag ($1000).

4. All asebi laces will be designed by Vera Wang herself. No exceptions.

5. No male blogger/commentor is allowed to come with a date. I will be everyone's date - whether they want me to be or not.

6. Each guest must come with a gift. I will set up my registry very soon.

7. Finally, each guest must come with at least $200 to throw on me while I'm dancing. No one is allowed to throw money on anyone else - not even on themselves. I will have a mobile ATM hanging on me too, so that people can slide their card and punch in the desired amount they want to throw on me. That way, no1 will have the excuse of not having enough change.

Shikena!!!

Oh yeah, check out this new blogger. Show her some love, please. She's Nouveau Afrique.

Sooooo....9ice Was In Maryland

9ice came to Maryland to perform on Friday night. I'm not clear on who the promoters of the event were, but I feel as though they owe me some change. The ad/flyer said the thing would start at 9pm @ this nice banquet hall (where Busola got married last year) called Potter's Place. I went with Funmi, and Potter's Place is not close to either one of us, especially me. I picked Funmi up, and we got there at about 9:30 thinking we wouldn't find parking. Potter's Place is a really nice hall, but the parking can make a person homicidal. But to our shock, the parking lot was almost empty. We got a terrific parking spot! Sure, I loved the parking I got, but why was it so easy? I was starting to think they had pulled a P-Square on us (abi was it Styl-Plus?). There was a time that either P-Square or Styl-Plus was supposed to perform but didn't show due to the lack of a visa or some story like that.

So in we went (or attempted to go). There were security guards @ the door that told us the rules of the game. No chewing gum (In your mouth or in your purse, so Funmi had to spit her gum out, which I didn't mind anyway cos she's always chewing gum. Soooo annoying!!). No cigarette lighters (Okay, I didn't mind. I'm not a smoker; I didn't have a lighter on me anyway). No cameras (Say what??!! No cameras ke? After paying my $35 ticket to see 9ice performing, you're telling me no cameras?????? U gotta be kiddin me!). So the female security guard, very nice lady apologized and said she didn't make the rules; she was only adhering to what she was told. Right in front of us, she asked the people inside, and yes, they really did not want any cameras inside. Very well then. So Funmi and I walked back to the car, took some shots of ourselves, left the camera in the trunk and came back. Our bags were searched, our bodies were legally fondled in the name of being patted down, and then we entered. There were like what.... 20 people in there???

Funmi asked the ticket lady why we couldn't bring in our cameras. She said it was "because of the way Nigerians act." Whatever the heck that meant. They shoulda thought about that b4 organizing an event for Nigerians....yes? But she told us not to worry because there was a photographer inside who was taking pictures. Well, whoop-tee-doo! She said it as if the photographer was going to be @ my beck & call. Nonsense. Was he going to be taking pix of me & my friend? I think not! The DJ was doing something. He called it spinning tunes. I called it driving-Vera-up-the-wall. He played the good songs for like a minute, and the nonsense songs were there 4ever!! He wasn't totally bad though. At some point he was good - right before he went back to being bad. Little by little, people began to trickle into the hall.

Ramsey Noah was there again (NOTE to Naapali: Ramsey Noah is one of Naija's biggest Nollywood actors. Go thru the album of this event & you'll see his picture there). He was in the "VIP" section. I saw some gal taking pictures with him. That was when I decided to go outside and sneak my camera in. Alas, I somehow went past security without being searched...and voila, camera came in! And about that "VIP" section, it was a JOKE! Do you know what separated us from VIP? Tables. That's right. Long tables were used as barricades from wall to wall....as if we couldn't go beneath or above the tables. *hisses* By the way, it cost $130 to get into VIP. lol. I laugh in Russian. They kid me. Unlike us (the regular, coach class folks), the "VIP" section had tables and wine. Anyway, Ramsey waited, sotey the boy's yellow face began to turn pink. Okay, I lie. It was dark in there; I couldn't tell if his face was pink, but I suspect it was. He later left. The star just couldn't wait for the other star (9ice). By the way, people that knew people in the VIP section just kept getting into the VIP. Before we knew what was going on, the VIP section became as crowded as Ajegunle market.

Do you know what time they finally started? 12:45 AM!!! Yes, almost four hours later, they started. Some groups performed before 9ice. Can't remember the first group's name. The second group was Apexx, and then there was some guy Gucci Wally Wa (hope I have not mispelt this name). Apparently, he only wears gucci. Walahi, that's what he said. Anyways...the ladies seemed to love him. I just wanted 2 see 9ice. Gucci or Prada Wally Wally wasn't on my agenda. My anger wasn't that they were performing. My anger was that I had been there since 9:30 PM. As if the designers artist wasn't bad enough, a man with a talking drum began to play, and we were supposed to interprete what he was saying. What kinda nonsense is that?! Some gal - God bless her ignorant heart - took the mic and actually said, "Common people, I know you all understand Yoruba." If looks could kill.... or @ least make people lose a few teeth and maybe swallow their tongue.... well, you know where I'm going with this. Some people there were not even Nigerians. Someone needz 2 tell home girl that Yoruba is not a universal African language.

9ice finally came out. My people, I dunno how it happened, but somehow the VIP section ceased to exist. We (the coach class folks) took over! We raided the place. One minute, I was behind the barricade; the next minute, I was in front, almost on stage. lol. Everyone raced to the front. Camera flashes were going off everywhere...so much for not having cameras in there. 9ice's performance was nothing less than I expected. He was very lively. In fact, he exceeded my expectations, and I went in having very high expectations. Girls were pushing each other left, right, and center to be on stage with 9ice. I wasn't on stage with 9ice. I just wanted to go close enough to take a good pic. But what surprised me was that guys sef were fighting to be on stage. Nawa ooo! lol. Wetin we go call this one now? Could this be love? lol.

I went to the other side of the stage to take a picture with fellow blogger Toni Payne (who also happens to be 9ice's beaurriful wifey). Ramsey Noah came back when 9ice started performing and I took a pic with him again ....although I really wished it was Barack Obama (or at least Chidi Mokeme) standing in his place. The event was over @ about 3:30 AM, I think. I wish I could blog about how I sold my dignity for Funmi's sake, but I realize this blog has more readers than the comments may reflect. So I refuse to implicate myself!!

Whew! That was a long post sha. Sorry. I guess I shoulda given you a long-post alert @ the beginning. I really don't like giving you long posts, so please bear with me. I'll compensate by showing you some pictures from the event. Click HERE to view them. I also put descriptions on all the pics to help you understand what was going on. By the way, please read my new write-up The First Impression. Thanx!!!

Have You Heard?

That on Sunday, October 19th 2008, I rededicated my life to Christ? I went to House of Praise's dedication of their new church, and their General Overseer, Pastor Adeboye was there. Boy, am I glad I went! Pastor Adeboye preached about uncommon favor and uncommon success, and he talked about how one will flourish and succeed extraordinarily when God is with him. On the flip side, when God isn't with you...well, you know the rest. One passage from the bible resonated with me. Ps 127:1-2 "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for He grants sleep to those He loves."

Now, let me explain why I said I rededicated my life to Christ (instead of just saying I dedicated it). It is because I don dedicate my life tire!! Honestly, almost each chance I get, I rededicate my life to Christ. Sometimes, it's face to face (in church, or @ a revival/vigil type thing), sometimes it's while watching a pastor (like Pastor Joel Osteen preaching), sometimes, it's on the radio while listening to 95.1. I think I have even considered doing it after reading a letter from Franklin Graham!! One thing has been constant in all my attempts: I keep going back to the same ol' me.

So why do I keep trying? Twice in my life, I was very serious with God, and honestly, those were the best times of my life. When I was about 13, I gave my life to Christ. I used to attend revivals and everything with my cousin. It was great! I even used to sing some solo songs for them, and they used to praise my voice. By the way, my cousin was in the university then, so this Christian community was pretty much her fellow students, but they were on fire for God. They loved the Man passionately. Anyway, looking back on it now, I see they lied to me! I cannot carry a note to save my life, yet every Friday night, they let me belch out those lyrics with beautiful smiles plastered across their faces. They even talked of me releasing an album. Kai. Those uni students no do me well @ all. I remember one guy (can't remember his name now) who told me God wanted to use me in my generation. I never forgot that. I have often wondered when, where, how, and WHY God will wanna use me.

But then I fell off the wagon. And when I was about 16, I became close to Him again. It was great. I used to read my Bible, pray every night and morning, and it was just great. I don't know what happened, when it happened, or why it happened, but I was right back to square one. Since then, I have been playing catch-me-if-you-can with God, deceiving myself really. I keep going back because I am never truly happy or complete or satisfied when I am not where He is. So I am back again, but this time, with more determination. A lady in church said a good place to start reading the Bible is in the book of John. Phew! I wish someone woulda told me that sooner!! No offense to you, oh dear Father, but that book of Genesis ehn, e get as e be oh. I have read from the book of Genesis to the book of Deuteronomy, and so far, all I remember is that God made the world in seven days, Adam was the first man, Eve was the first woman, and they ate the forbidden fruit. Ko easy @ all to read it.

I started reading the book of John, and the feeling has been different. It was a pleasure reading it. I'm not gonna overwhelm myself. I'm gonna take it one day @ a time. I'm making this public, because when you make such public comittments, it usually makes you less likely or more afraid of breaking them off. Of course, as we have come to find out, this does not apply to marriage. People are usually happier at the time of their divorce than they are at their wedding. On a side note: how come no1 gets cold feet for divorces?? Anyway...

I shouted so many 'Amens' in church that my voice is now suffering a little. Naija people sabi claim blessing oh. Na so so blessing Pastor Adeboye take dey slap our face that day. The thing nyafu nyafu everywhere, but I was not complaining. I kuku claimed them all in Jesus' name. Why shall I shy? I thought Pastor Adeboye would say, "There is a girl in this room who has been dreaming of a black, semi tinted 2010 range rover. The Lord wants you to know that when you go home today, that range rover will be parked outside, waiting for you - all expenses paid!" I for just run go dance naked outside. Ah, I am serving a living God...the God that answereth by black, semi tinted 2010 Range Rovers!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my range rover. My corolla was not mysteriously replaced by a range rover. And no disturbingly handsome man was sitting on my hood waiting for me. However, Ireti did blatantly refuse to follow her family home; she wanted to follow me instead. Could this have been part of the uncommon favor? I said thank you, Jesus, but how I fit manage this kin favor...especially in this time of austerity? Mba o. Na so I just package the girl go give am back to her people. She cried her cute, little eyes out. On a serious note, I really did rededicate my life back to Christ, and I have begged Him to not let me go. I have begged Him to hold me tight because I really, really, really wanna walk this walk with Him.

Now that you're done reading this and congratulating and encouraging me (aka commenting), go over to Standtall's blog, and read my interview. Happy reading!!! And thanks again for the interview, Babe.

Oops! I Did It Again!

First of all, I apologize for the long silence. I have been feeling mighty uneasy. It's been quite a while since I stayed this long without updating. I will try my best to not let it ever happen again. It's shameful! That being said, I credit my inability to update on the little human being that spent the weekend with me. Her name is Ireti (Funmi's little darling).



On Friday, I went to Funmi's house to chill. Before I left, Funmi was getting ready to attend Pastor Adeboye's vigil. I couldn't make it. Ireti was not cooperating with Funmi. She refused to wear her clothes, refused to wear her shoes, and even took off her underwear - a move I was very troubled by. She's only three years old; it's a little early to be going commando...don't you think? lol. Eventually, she agreed to put on her underwear, but I think she wanted to wear the underwear on top of her pantyhose. Let's say she's not fashion-conscious yet.


To cut the long story short, I ended up going home with her that night. Looking @ the gorgeous gal in my house, I could not resist the urge to dress her up, paint her face, and take a few shots. So that is how Ireti ended up looking like that. She's absolutely gorgeous...don't you think? The outfit does not belong to her. In fact, nothing you see on her belongs to her. They all belong to me. When I decide to use any of the jewelry, I'm wondering if people will start looking @ me and wondering if I have no shame....you know, with borrowing jewelry from a three year old et al.



There are plenty more interesting pictures, including one where she was reading - or looked like she was reading, Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Needless to say, Ireti was with me till Sunday and refused to go back to her people. Her mother (Funmi is not her mother by the way) said I could keep her till Monday - a generous offer that I generously refused to take. I just couldn't see myself waking up so early to give a three year old a shower, prepare lunch for her, and then take her to school. Kai. That one too much 4 me abeg.



There were a total of 83 pictures, but I only uploaded 32 for your viewing pleasure. Click HERE to view them all. The album is the most recent album on top of the page. Happy viewing!! Oh, I should explain the reason for the title of this blog is because this is not the first time I have done this to Ireti.

By the way, Standtall will be interviewing me on her blog on Thursday....yay!!! I'll be signing autographs afterwards. Each autogragh will cost a little fee of one 2008 Range Rover. :)

My Fat Check

Do you sell your books @ the end of the semester? I sell mine depending on the subject. Sometimes, I just know or think I know I'll never use the book again. So last semester, I went to Book Holders and attempted to sell a Research textbook to them. They were going to buy it for an amount I don't recall right now. I think it was $80, but then the girl said they could either pay me $80 right there and then, or they could take the book from me and sell it online at a higher price of $120, and then mail me the check. Honestly, I didn't care too much for how much I got for the book. I didn't pay a dime for the book (it was bought for me), and it was pretty useless to me throughout the semester. But what do you think I opted to do? Of course, I opted to have the book sold online. The more money, the merrier!

I filled out a form and left the book there. I had forgotten about the book when I received an email some months later saying that due to an over supply and a lack of demand of the book (no wonder there; it was a useless) on the market, they would have to reduce the amount they originally promised to sell it. I was given an option to come and pick my book up if I did not want it to be sold at a lower price. I didn't go and pick the book up. What was I going to do with it?

Two days ago, I received an email from Book Holders telling me that they know I'm "excited to receive that fat check". Considering the fact that lately, I have been spending way more than I care to remember, I was so happy to receive Book Holder's email. So how much was the check?

$8.61

I cannot help but wonder if my greed did not put me in this condition. Really, I could have, should have taken the $80 I was offered initially. I now await my fat check of $8.61 in the mail. The sad part is....I will cash it!! I must be rich in Jesus' name. *Raising a glass of mango-guava beverage to that*

Blogger I'd Most Like To Meet: Vera

Lemme rewind to that moment.

I started this blog in January 2006, and at that time, I knew only one other Naija blogger. She has since stopped blogging. I don't even remember her name and/or her blog. In 2006, I blog tire oh!! I blogged my heart out. More than half of my entire blog posts were done in 2006. You can say it was a very good year for me - Blogville wise. I met a lotta bloggers too (virtually, that is).

Anyway, TaureanMinx (who has disappeared off the face of Blogville along with many of my former Blogville colleagues) and Azuka came up with the Blogville Awards (which was a very good idea, by the way). The categories were listed on Tminx's blog, and people - bloggers and anonymous people alike got a chance to vote. I was kinda-sorta-new-but-not-really, so I didn't vote (I think). In fact, I didn't really follow that voting thing (I'm thinking). Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found out that I had won the category of Blogger I'd Most Like To Meet. I happy no be small oh. I was elated!!

So why am I bringing this up now??? I mean, it's been what...two years??? Well, I need a favor. Actually, I need two. And they both require me meeting you...or you meeting me - however this works.

Favor Number 1: I'm taking a class. It's called Psychology of Human Sexuality. It's been interesting. I have to do an observation where I watch human interaction...blah blah blah. Be still, oh beating heart of my reader. I am not proposing that you have sex with someone while I watch - unless you insist, of course. And no, you don't have to have sex with me either. Instead, I'm gonna be going to a strip club for guys (as in where women strip) to watch. I've never been into any kind of strip club, so this should be an interesting experience. I'm not quite sure what to expect, but I will go there with an open heart...(is that possible?). My professor and the rest of my classmates insist that I take a guy for my safety. And therein, lies the problem: who to take??? If you're up for the challenge, let me know. Of course, you'll have to be in the general vicinity of Baltimore, Maryland.

Favor Number 2: I cannot give details here because it's a secret...even Funmi doesn't know. But what I do know is that she will be calling me as soon as she reads this. Note to Funmi: Don't bother asking; I won't tell. For this favor, we'll also have to meet. If you think you might be interested, let me know. When you contact me, I will discuss the details with you. I can probably find someone without advertising this on my blog, but I figured I might as well make use of that two year old award (logo) of mine. LOL.


P.S. That Blogger Award thing was really fun. Someone (meaning anyone other than me) should try it this year. You can view the results on Tminx's page HERE. You should read the comments too. Very funny. LOL.