This Is It

For 2009.

This year, like all the ones before it, has been unpredictable.  I want to tell you about how I had good times and bad times, how I went to bed crying and woke up laughing, how I got so frustrated so many times that certain things were not how and where I wanted them, how I sat in my car and cried to myself, and to God, and then, wiped my tears and came inside the house with a counterfeit smile plastered on my face because I did not want mom to be worried.  I want to tell you about how I stayed financially-challenged throughout the entire year, but somehow, I always managed to make it by, and at the end, I even had some change.  But I won't tell you these things.J

Today is the 29th day of December.  In two days, the year will be over.  Still, I am expectant.  There are things I asked begged asked and begged God to do that He has not done, and since, to Him, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day [2 Peter 3:8], I'll keep my hands open for His blessings and favor.

As I reflect on the 116 posts I put up this year - the post you're currently reading makes it 117 - I cannot help but reflect on the state of my mind when I put those posts up.  Here are some of them, in chronological order: I think about my post on February 2nd, the one where I celebrated my blog's anniversary by answering everyone's questions.  And I think of Valentine's Day, a day that started out being as plain as Thursday, a day I planned on staying home and saturating my mind with Nigerian movies that test and insult my intelligence, and a day that ended up being the best Valentine's Day of my life.

And I think about April 1st, and how I blogged about my engagement, the one that never happened.  I enjoyed the comments so much that I almost forgot I was not even engaged.  Sometimes, my ring finger feels empty, as if something is missing.  Strange.  How can it miss what it has never had?  And I think about May 7th, the day I blogged about the shoes that fit.  That was the day Mr. Shoes got his famous name.  I love the name, by the way.  

I think about the launch of my online radio on June 23rd, and I think about the fickleness of my voice and the anxiety of my heart, and I cannot help but smile at the overwhelming support I received that day, and all the days that have followed.  And I think about July 5th, and the emotions with which I blogged about the home-going of Mommy Shoes (Mr. Shoes' mom) who left us on June 20th.  It was with sadness, reluctance, grief, anger, and an understandable but questionable sense of betrayal by God that I put that post up.  

And on October 20th, I blogged about the 17-day fun I had with Mr. Shoes, the private resort he took me to, the Shawarma Pita I tasted for the first time, the almost-revolting tall cup of tea he made me drink because of my cold, and my inability to pass said cold on to him (Oh, I didn't mention this inability in that post).  And finally, on December 4th, I featured a few generous vendors who offered some wonderful discounts on their products.  It was my first time featuring vendors, and by God's grace, I'll do it again.

I apologize for the rather extensive post.  The point of it is to say Thank You.  Thank You for all your love and support, and to show my appreciation, I now present you - yes, you, dear reader - with this certificate of appreciation (click on certificate to magnify it).

***See you in 2010!  Happy New Year!!!***

Merry Christmas... And A Nigerian Terrorist???

All day yesterday, I felt guilty: I didn't come on my blog to say Merry Christmas to you wonderful folks.  For Christmas, I had planned on cooking some pasta and calling it a day.  But Aribaba (of Jaguda dot com) happened.  And that was how I ended up cooking another pot of efo soup.  He came with his friend, AK, and well, I hope I fed them well--- although I was unable to provide the fourteen virgins - seven for each - he wanted to serve the food.  I should have taken a picture of the pounded-yam that I ordered them to completely demolish before going home.  Better luck next time.

After they left, the day was pretty much normal, just passing by --- until I heard the breaking news: a terror attempt on U.S. airliner, Delta/Northwest by a Nigerian.  Nigerian?!  Terrorist?!  As in, the suicide kind?  As in, he was going to die in the process?  As in, he was a Nigerian attempted suicide-bomber?  Oh, but this doesn't fit the Nigerian's M.O.

1. A typical Nigerian, even an extremist Muslim one, will not lay his/her life down for any cause.  
2. If a Nigerian would lay his life for a cause, it would be for the cause of money, and that happens when he/she sells his/her soul to the devil for wealth, agreeing to die in a specified number of years.
3. The only terror Nigerians are good at - and I use the word, good, sparingly - is 419.

I have to say, I never really thought I would see the day that Nigeria and terrorism would be mentioned in the same sentence --- seriously. Up until yesterday, the only time I had heard Nigeria and terrorism mentioned in the same sentence was when jokes were made about why Nigerians cannot be terrorists. (Please see number 1, 2, and 3 above).

Twenty-three year old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab has done us strong thing. I am tempted to start singing, na who born the maga?!  Apart from Nigeria, it seems like every other nation generally sees Nigerians as aggressive, arrogant, fraudulent, sons of you-know-what.  Now, they must begin to see us as aggressive, arrogant, fraudulent, terrorist sons of you-know-what.  Great.  That's just the way to rebrand Nigeria.  Oh, what will Dr. Dora Akunyili say?

I wish, hope, and pray deeply that Abdulmutallab turns out not to be a Nigerian.  I hope he's just an extremist who sneaked into Nigeria and managed to get our passport.  Still, Nigeria has been implicated.  He did board the plane from Lagos, Nigeria.  Speaking of Lagos, CNN ought to learn how to pronounce the word.  It's not Lo-gos, and it's not Lah-gos.  It's Lay-gos, darn it!  They can pronounce Shanghai and Beijing.  Lay-gos shouldn't be that difficult.  Seriously.

So, it's all over the news that Nigeria's airport security sucks.  Maybe this will get the Nigerian government to beef up security?  Okay, fine, you're right.  Who the heck am I kidding?  The thought of flying between States in Nigeria is scary enough; you have to constantly think of the well-being of the aircraft.  Now, we also have to worry about what lunatic they might have let slip by.  Great.

Thankfully, I have a solution: I'm flying in with a private jet!

In Preparation For Marriage (2)

"When a woman puts too much salt in her food, it is a sign that she is in love..."

- Spoken by Vera Ezimora's mom - day and date, forgotten.

While everyone else was baking, dissecting, and eventually, digesting a turkey for Thanksgiving Day, I was busy cooking, and then, eating okra soup.  First of all, I don't eat turkey.  Secondly, I love okra soup - when I cook it.  Lastly, I had been craving okra soup for so long, and Thanksgiving Day seemed like the perfect time to have some.

Dare I say that the soup was oh-so-good!  It was finger-licking, head-spinning, orgasm-causing good.  Yes, it was that good.  I don't know what I put in it, but if any man had dared to eat it, he would have begged me to let him pay quadruple on my bride price.  I did, naturally, consider getting several men to eat it, but the soup was just so darn good.  I could not get myself to share it.  Not to worry, the hands that cooked the soup are neither weary nor limp.  Forget about juju (black magic), this soup, littered with mouth-watering pieces of oxtail, tripe, and goat meat, is the best, safest, most assured way to get that proposal those proposals.

This past weekend, I decided to cook some efo soup; it was my very first time cooking efo soup.  If I had known it was such an effortless activity, I would have done it sooner.  I cooked a rather small pot of soup because it was my trial soup, and I was not sure how it would turn out.  I'm not sure how well to convey the goodness of this soup.  Well, let me put it this way: my mom literally chased me around the kitchen island.  Yes, she wanted more of my efo soup.

My only regret is that I did not cook a bigger pot of soup.  Oh, the other regret is that I did not have any pounded yam, so I had to eat it with farina.  Sigh. Farina just doesn't have the same effect as pounded yam.  It does not glide.  It just passes through.  You probably don't need me to tell you that this soup, too, is a sure husband getter.  And permanent keeper.  I just need to cook both soups, and then, go to a male-infested, testosterone-breeding ground and serve it to them.  Unfortunately, the male bathroom is not suitable.  Some other time, I guess.

I don't typically eat fufu with a fork, but I was typing, so I needed both hands.  Besides, Nwoke Ocha (my laptop) is white.

The last time I prepped for marriage, I blogged about it - In Preparation For Marriage - and at the end of my prep, which was for onugbu (bitterleaf) soup, mom said I didn't do anything, that all I did was take pictures, and that we need to do it again.  I did not agree then.  But considering that I now do not recall anything I may have learned about the principles and techniques of cooking onugbu soup, it appears that we I need to do it again.

Grandma thought my okra soup was a bit salty, although she was the only one who thought that.  Everyone else, especially me, thought it was okay.  Mom thought it was not salty, but even if it was, she had a perfectly good explanation, and that's the quote up there, at the beginning of this post.

My response to mom's comment: No Comments.

Tell Me....

What to blog about.  What do you want me to tell you today?  I actually have a list of things in my head that I could possibly blog about, but while my spirit is willing, my body fails me.  My mind does not want to think, and even if it did, my fingers don't want to type.  My body, would rather do other things, including, but not limited to... and in no particular order:

• Going back to continue Chimamanda Adichie's book, The Thing Around Your Neck
• Putting up that Facebook status, asking people what they want me to talk about in ten hours time on the Randomisity show on Verastically Speakin' (co-hosted by Ray & NaijaBloke).
• Compiling my Christmas and birthday list.
• Finishing that Christmas article...that would have to be published before Christmas, or else it would defeat the purpose of being a Christmas article.  Hmm.  Today is already the 19th.
• Blogging about the e-friends I've met in the past two weeks.
• Replying those e-mails that have been waiting for me.
• Uploading the music file needed for tomorrow's radio show.
• Reminding my God again about my problems.  
• Or reminding my problems again about my God?
• Saying screw it and going straight to bed.

So you see, I have no idea what I should blog about today.  Why don't you tell me what you want to know?  Meanwhile, I'll be on the radio in approximately ten hours.  It's the last show of the year, and it's going to be totally random, so feel free to call in [1.646.929.1905]- for five minutes - and tell me whatever the heck you want to - like maybe what you want me to blog about.

Tell me...

SexLoveBlogsVerasticTigerWoodsNigeriaRadioExesCallersMarriageDiasporaMr.ShoesVirginityAffairs

That's as random as we're going to be on Saturday on Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio.  Whatever it is you want to talk about ... bring it on!!!  It's the last show for 2009, and I guess it's my own little way of saying thank you to everyone.

So, whatever it is you want to talk about, let's talk about it!  On Saturday, December 19th 2009, the show will be random.  To minimize confusion, the show, unlike the title of this post, is called Randomisity - Phase 1 (It's phase 1 because sometime in the future, there will be a second phase --- of course!).  Ray and NaijaBloke will be co-hosting with me.  I hope I'll be safe.

It's a two-hour show.  Let's call it the season finale, shall we? Call in and talk about whatever it is - perhaps an unresolved issue from a previous show?  A question about one of my previous posts?  Tiger Woods and his many concubines?  Yaradua --- the President ... or the snail?  Marriage?  Singlehood?  Nigeria?  Sex?  Relationships?  Bloggers?  Previous co-hosts?  Want to be a future co-host?  Facebook?  Verastic question - whatever that might mean?  Food?  Ray's password?  What I want for my birthday (January 14th)?      Money?  Career choices?  Nollywood?  Suggestions for 2010?  Maybe you just want to sing for five minutes?  Or perhaps, recite a love poem or read a love letter?  What is it???

Whatever it might be, you have five minutes of our time.  So, think wisely before you call.  Think about the exact thing you want to talk about because when your five minutes are up, we have to move on to the next person.  Two hours may seem like a long time, but considering the history of this show, two hours will go by like two minutes.

Can't call in but want us to discuss your question/issue?  E-mail it before Saturday.  E-mails will be addressed on a first-come first-serve basis. <<>> radio@verastic.com.  Alternatively, you could text it 1.443.934.9039

P.S. If you cannot listen via the web here, you can just call the number > 1.646.929.1905 < and listen.  I won't put you on the air unless you actually want to speak.

P.P.S. However, listening online does have its perks: the chat room! They're crazy in there.

P.P.P.S. Some people have been asking what shows are coming up in 2010.  Everything listed on the left side bar [that has neither been scheduled nor crossed out] is fair game.  So, if you're interested in co-hosting, e-mail me >> radio@verastic.com

Talk to you at 10am U.S. EST time (4pm Nigerian time) on Saturday, December 19th 2009 here.  Call 1.646.929.1905 to join the conversation.

Mr. Shoes Is Having An Affair...

...with Rosie!

The thing is, I don't think she knows about it.

It all started on August 22nd of this year when Rosie co-hosted with me for the Female, Accomplished, Over 30, and Single show.  That was Rosie's debut on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio.  Mr. Shoes listened to that show as usual, and he loved it.  He later told me that Rosie was his favorite co-host because he liked her voice.

A few weeks ago, we [Mr. Shoes and I] were planning the upcoming shows, and when I mentioned that I wanted to have Rosie co-host yesterday's show [Naija, Here I Come], Mr. Shoes's face brightened up, and we had this conversation:

Him: Rosie is co-hosting?

Me: Yeap.

Him: Does she know I like her voice?

Me: (laughing) Yes, she knows actually.  I told her.

Him: Does she like mine too?

If looks could make pigs fly, the look I gave Mr. Shoes would have certainly caused a scene in a few barnyards that day.

Last week, Mr. Shoes and I were once again planning the shows for the first quarter of 2010 when he recommended Rosie for one of the shows that we need a married person for.

Me: Oh, Rosie won't be able to do it.  She's not married.  We need a married person, remember?

Him: Rosie is not married? *eyebrows arched very high in his forehead*

Me: No.

Him: She's single??? *verbal enthusiasm*

Me: Yeah.

Him: Oh, wow.

(He must have forgotten that the first show she co-hosted was about being single.  Well, so much for the love, Mr. Shoes!  No, I am not jealous.  *rolling eyes at 300 miles per hour*)

I have thought about these occurrences, and I have decided that there is only one way for me to fix it: I'm going after Turtle (Rosie's man).

Dear Rosie, please release his digits RIGHT NOW!!!

P.S. Shows for 2010 are currently being planned and scheduled, and I'm interested in having new voices.  radio@verastic.com

P.P.S. I'm still waiting for those digits, Rosie.  Turtle and I have to talk!

Oh, How I've Been Spoiled!

I stopped by the local 7-11 yesterday to get something when the alarm on my car suddenly went off. To cut the already short story shorter, my car's remote does not work anymore! May I be completely honest with you? Okay, I'll be honest. I cried when I found out. I've gotten so used to just pressing the remote and getting in and out of the car. How in the world am I supposed to start locking the car by pressing the button inside the door and then unlocking it with a key before getting in?

Let me explain: I am not the kind of girl who should be trusted with locking her car by pressing that button. I mean... this is the girl who gets to her destination, puts the car in park and steps out before she remembers that she has to turn the car off and take the keys out of the ignition. Sometimes, I even attempt to step out of the car before putting it in park! So how can I be trusted to press that button when I'm supposed to? I'm so paranoid about locking my keys inside the car. The poor car - whose name is Fotunatus - has been so nice to me, but this time, he's really messed up!

There is obviously only one solution to this mighty problem. Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Yeap. I'm glad we're on the same page: I NEED A NEW CAR. The question is WHICH ONE?

P.S. Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will be airing on Saturday at 10am U.S. EST. as usual. What should one expect when he/she travels to Nigeria from abroad? Heat? Multiple marriage proposals? (I actually like the sound of this ... *coughs*). Sudden relatives?? Or maybe much more. There's a poll. Actually, there are two polls. Vote if you haven't voted. Talk to you on Saturday morning! Rosie will be co-hosting.

P.P.S. If you're interested in co-hosting for 2010, now is the time to let me know. I am currently putting the schedule together. Thanks, folks!! radio@verastic.com

P.P.P.S. My birthday is coming up.

P.P.P.P.S. My birthday is coming up ---- on the 14th of January.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I should add 'new car' to my birthday list.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. No, I should start by adding it to my Christmas list first.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I will name the new car, 'Serakus.' [pronounced se-rah-koos] I learnt it from an Igbo song.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Per the title of this post, there's actually nothing wrong with being spoiled. As long as I'm the one being spoiled. J

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Talk to you on Saturday morning here J

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. There is no such thing as too many P.S.s --- which is why I have 10. Don't forget to vote.

My Husband Is Pregnant With My Baby

So I was working on my laptop the other day, not paying any particular attention to what was on the television, until I thought I imagined a voice saying, "My husband is pregnant with my baby..." Naturally, that got my attention.

It turned out I had not imagined it. The voice really did say that her husband was pregnant with her baby. The only thing is that the voice belonged to a male. So it was a male then who said, "My husband is pregnant with my baby..." Wait, huh??? You're probably as confused as I was when I was watching it. Let's start from the beginning. Assume that the person who said, "My husband is pregnant with my baby..." is a female - the wife. Yes, I know I'm confusing you, but let's take it from there:

• The female and wife [who said her husband was pregnant] used to be a male, but had been transitioning into a female for the past ten years - hence the female-looking parts and gender role switch.
• The male and husband [who was pregnant] used to be a female, but had been transitioning into a male for the past two and half years - hence the male-looking parts and gender role switch.
• Sooo... the husband in this household actually used to be a woman. And the wife in this household used to be a man. Are you with me thus far? Good.

How then did the husband [who used to be a woman] end up being pregnant??? Well, easy. The woman [who used to be a man] mistakenly got him [her?] pregnant. I say mistakenly because they didn't know it was possible - considering how much hormones they have consumed. The pregnant husband didn't even know that he [she?] was pregnant until seven months into the pregnancy. He just thought he was gaining weight. The couple plans on breast-feeding the baby. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? WHOSE BREASTS??? .... and CAN I WATCH???

I cannot pretend that I understand what it means to be transgendered. From what I have heard and read, I am grateful that I have never had to, do not now, and by God's grace, will not ever have to be confronted with the dilemma of deciding what sex I want to be. I can say, however, that in all things, God must truly take all the Glory. This couple has done almost everything to not be what God made them. I have no right to judge, of course. But it's very interesting that in spite of this, God has made the man do what men do to women when they enter them: get them pregnant. So Who gets the Glory?

This must be God's way of reminding everyone that He is God - the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. He that openeth and no one shuteth; He that shuteth, and no one openeth - literally. I've always known that God has an incredible sense of humor. This is just another living proof.

P.S. The husband is now in labor. You should hear him. He sounds just like a woman. I never thought I'd see the day that a man would have labor contractions, breathe through pursed lips, be dilated, push a baby out, and scream 'Oh, God!' the entire time. Oh, that's right. She isn't a man. But don't tell her I said so.

Ho! Ho!! Ho!!! Merry Discounts!!!!!

Conceiving the idea of offering discounts was a lot more fun and a lot easier than actually putting it into action. I had big dreams and grandiose plans. Oh, well. Each of the following vendors have given these discounts out of the goodness and generosity of their hearts. I did not twist their arms. Okay, maybe a little. The things I do for you. Here goes --- in alphabetical order...

A Heart To Mend: Love Happens by Nkem Okotcha

This is an e-book by our very own blogger, Myne Whitman [Nkem Okotcha]. The book is regularly sold here on lulu for $9.99, but for this weekend only, Myne Whitman is discounting it to $5.99. A Heart To Mend: Love Happens is a business thriller and romance, set in Lagos, Nigeria. To read the synopsis and/or order a copy, click here.

Funmie's Avon Shop

Avon has good stuff ... at affordable prices. And Funmie's Avon shop has Verastic prices = even more affordable prices! Personally, I love Avon's eye shadows. But take a look around. If you have not shopped Avon in a while, you'll be pleasantly surprised. They have broadened their horizon; they now have a lot more items: for both men and women! So here are the details:

• Mention Verastic and either receive FREE shipping, or Funmie can personally deliver your products to you - if you live in the Baltimore/DC area. Does anyone else smell a rat in Funmie's alleged nice offer to personally deliver???
• Place an order of $49.99 and above by December 31st and receive a separately mailed FREE gift.
• The last day to place orders in order to receive them in time for Christmas is December 16th.
• Contact Funmie >>> Funmie@verastic.com <<>> 1.410.497.7671

One3Snapshot

Culture. Art. Expression. That's their slogan. You don't have to look too far or too long to realize why. If a picture speaks a thousand words, then these three pictures from One3snapshot should speak three thousand words. And you know what's so cool about them? They'll listen! Send them your design project, if you have one. In case you can't read what's on that white tank tee above, it says, 'You never imagined I'd get this far.' Tell me: how many people are you just itching to say this to? Am I the only one who wants to rip it off that model's body and keep it for myself?

• Save 10% at checkout with this code: VERASTIC

Sparkle Fashion Store

Ever visited a store and wanted everything ... as in everything??? Sparkle Fashion Store really sparkles! From hand bags to bracelets to necklaces to hair accessories. Sparkle Fashion Store has them all --- and I want them all. So many styles and colors. Considering how beautiful these items are, you won't believe how ridiculously affordable they are. If this were a brick and mortar store, I would go in there and get lost in it. Mr. Shoes will never follow me in.

• Save 5% on all sales of $25 to $70 >> Discount code: Vera5
• Save 10% on all sales of $75 to $200 >> Discount code: Vera10
• Save 15% on all sales of $201 to $350 >> Discount code: Vera15
• Save 20% on all sales of $351 and above >> Discount code: Vera20
• Contact: patricia@mysparklejewelry.com <<<>>> 1.973.704.9651
• Also, become a fan of My Sparkle Jewelry on Facebook.

The White Dress Shop

Every woman and her cat has heard that she should own a little black dress. But what about a white one - whether little or not? What are you going to wear to that all-white party? Sometimes, stylish and white become mutually exclusive --- but not at The White Dress Shop! It's a good thing they don't stop at dresses. The shop goes on to blouses. And coats. And skirts. And accessories. And vintage jewelry. And even colored wildcard outfits! So what are you still waiting for? Come on down!

• Receive 15% off all orders from now till December 31st with this coupon code: TWDS09 (It's a zero between S and 9).

.........My sincere gratitude to all the vendors.

And, of course, to all of you ... readers and listeners. What would I do without you? Oh, yeah ... I'd sleep! It's past three in the morning!

****************************************************

Is it safe then to say that at the mention of my name, prices will fall off? Ho! Ho!! Ho!!! You should try using my name at Shop-Rite and Bloomingdale's. Let's see what will happen.

On that note, please vote in the poll. And meet me here tomorrow morning for show. It's past 3am. It took me four hours to put this together. Sweet dreams, folks! Talk to you tomorrow morning (Saturday, December 5th 2009 at 10am U.S. EST./ 4pm Nigerian time) HERE.