Contrary To Popular Belief

Crying babies are actually not cute. Maybe they're cute to their parents - especially their mothers, but they're not cute to me. No, I do not want to hear your crying baby while I'm talking with you on the phone. No, I don't want you to put your crying baby on the phone to say hello to Aunty. No, I don't want to be disrupted by your crying baby while I'm listening to the sermon. No, I don't want to sing a lullaby to him/her/it while Desperate Housewives is on. And heck no, I don't want your crying toddler to come and attempt to take the microphone from me while I'm MCing an event. One more crying-baby incident, and someone's baby will be getting kicked out of the window. Yeah, gasp all you want.

I don't have babies - can you tell? - but there's one thing I do know for a fact. Spanking a crying baby will do anything but stop that baby from crying. He/she/it will cry more. He/she/it will wail. That said, when your baby starts crying - say in the middle of a church sermon - the reasonable thing to do will be to stand up and take the crying baby out. If you feel like he/she/it deserves a spanking, then, please, move further away from the entrance/exit to the church and spank away. Do NOT, however, remain seated, turn the baby on his/her/its belly and deliver five consecutive hot smacks to his/her/its bum. This will provoke the baby and endanger your life. Church folks don't play!

Babies have a way of knowing the right time to not cry. And that is exactly when they start crying. One cannot blame them. It's innate to cry.  But their parents - especially their mothers - I'm not quite sure how to approach their insensitivity to us civilians. Yes, I called the rest of us civilians. If you're not the mother of the child, you just become casualty, like an innocent pedestrian standing on the corner of the street, waiting for that hand that signals you shouldn't walk to turn to WALK, only for you to be knocked down by a drunk driver. Should you not sit next to a baby, or should you not have come to church? I keep using church because that is where it bites me most.

And my people - God bless my Nigerian people - they are awfully good at spanking crying babies and then ignoring them when they cry. Sometimes, the mothers even smile at their wailing babies and then smile at your stone-hard face, as if to ask, "Aww. Look at him. Isn't he/she/it so adorable? The way he/she/it just wails and disrupts everyone and everything, isn't it simply breathtaking?"  Sometimes I swear those babies are possessed because somehow, they know how to cry just when the sermon gets good. Or maybe it's the mothers that are possessed. They know how to not hear their babies crying. It's amazing how deaf these mothers become to their babies' cries.

Don't get me started on ringing cell phones. Let me offer one word of advice. When in a place where your phone is not supposed to ring (Example: church, of course), and it rings, the first thing you should do is stop it from ringing. This can be done by pressing the side button or ignoring the call. Now, pay attention because this next thing you should do is very, very important: you should stop your phone from ringing a second time. This can be interpreted as (a) Put your phone on vibrate or (b) Put your phone on silent or (c) Turn your phone completely off. This may come as a shock to you, but when you ignore the caller the first time, the caller is likely to call again.

Have you ever been in church and witnessed a scene where a woman's phone rings, then she searches her deep tote frantically for the ringing gadget while it belches out a tune like, Lori le (or Mr. Endowed when it's a man's phone ringing)? She finally finds the phone, presses the side (or ignores the call) and throws the phone right back into the belly of her tote. Two minutes later, Lori Le is screaming again, and this woman is searching her tote. Again. You'd think she would have at least put the phone in her tote's side pocket.

And then, of course, the church's projector screens and televisions immediately light up with words like "PLEASE TURN YOUR CELL PHONES OFF," and while the words are still scrolling, three more cell phones start ringing simultaneously. This time, it's three different songs: Kiss Your Hand, I'll Make Love To You, and What You Bitches Want From Me?  The Pastor just shakes his head and ask, "God, where have I gone wrong with these people?"

But I did promise that I won't talk about cell phones. This post is about crying babies. And the mothers (parents) who won't shut them the heck up and let me have my solitude. One more disruption, and someone's baby is getting kicked the heck out. You may gasp again.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

Have You Met Yotaro?

Probably not.

First of all, I apologize for the very late update. I was busy debuting my acting career in church. On Sunday, I and 10 other singles - Funmie included - entertained my church with a stage play they will not forget in a hurry. We got a standing ovation from a very enthusiastic and appreciative congregation, and it was praised as "the best play ever in House of Praise!!" Ah, ah! If you can't tell, I'm still gloating. Chinenye will testify of its total goodness. I'll be signing autographs as I get ready to add 'Actress' to my resume.  But I digress.

Did you know that Japan has a low birth rate? At first glance, you may see this as a good thing. Why would Japan want a high birth rate? China, for example, has a high birth rate, and is fighting to reduce it. Japan, on the other hand, has a low birth rate because all the young Japanese are "too school/career-oriented." Everyone is more concerned about getting the best grades and going to the best schools. What, you thought it was impossible for that to be a problem?

The young Japanese that are supposed to take over from the aging and retiring generation are not ready to get married and/or have children. Men and women see themselves as different species. In desperation, Japan has agreed to pay each family $150 each month, per child until the child reaches high school. A good incentive, but it is as good as Yotaro?

Picture culled of CNN

This is Yotaro. He's a baby robot. The Japanese are hoping that this baby robot  - who cries, sneezes, giggles, kicks, has a warm body, and is made of silicon - would make the young Japanese want to have a baby. Why and how? Well, by the time they spend time with Yotaro, he will - hopefully - trigger human emotions that will prompt people to want the real thing. You can watch the video below. 

I have to admit: the Japanese people are brilliant. They have a baby robot who does all the cute things that babies do. They did not make a baby who will wake up every two 1.5 hours and cry incessantly for no apparent reason. They did not make a baby who will attack your freshly made up face with vomit. They did not make a baby who will pee on you as you struggle to change his diaper. And of course, no need for the baby who scratches your face and only keeps quiet when you carry him and stand up.  Somehow, he always knows when you sit down. By the way, baby Yotaro stops crying once you touch him, and we all know how it happens just like that in real life.

So, Yotaro is a good incentive. Some Japanese even say that he's a better incentive than a monthly government stipend. But is Yotaro as good as my incentive in boosting the birth rate of Japan? Probably not.  I say the government should mandate every couple to have sex three times a day without any kind of birth control. All existing forms of birth control should be recalled and thrown into the refinery.  In order to ensure that couples don't cheat by doing the pull out method or not having sex at all, a government agent must stand and watch the action live and direct. I need not tell you that abortions or any action(s) that may lead to an abortion would be highly forbidden! To crown my incentive, once a woman is pregnant, she will taken into custody and put on mandatory bed rest and 24-hour surveillance.

What say you?

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid (1)

This post is probably one of them.

You ever notice how people conveniently avoid the woman with the baby on the flight? You can't blame them really. What are the chances that the baby will not scream them to oblivion? It's not like they can yell at the baby. Well, they can --- but imagine who would be the bad guy after that. Besides, that would probably cause the baby to scream longer and louder.

I remember this flight I was on, and there was a woman, her baby, and another woman whom I assumed to be her mother. I sat next to them because that was the nearest open seat I found. I happen to be one of those people who avoid the baby-having passengers like a plague. When we were however-many-thousands of feet in the air, I decided to pull out that tiny little table - if you would call it that - attached to the back seat of the passenger in front of you. With my text book on it, I decided to tackle my 30-questions long assignment.

But this baby, this cute little blonde, blue-eyed baby ... it just could not resist the shine of my pencil. It kept pulling it away from me. I did not really mind. I was bothered by something else. I could not tell if this baby was a boy or a girl. Its ears were not pierced, so it was hard to tell. The style and colors of its clothes were unisex - a dull green color. Its hair was short, and it had not yet received its first hair cut - I was sure - so the style of its hair was misleading. Besides, I know how Black babies' hair can morph into a Punk-lookalike hair cut. If you did not know better, you'd swear the baby's mother was trying to make her child look like Bobby Brown - back when he was somebody. Or maybe that only happens to Nigerian babies. But I digress.

So this baby kept pulling my pencil. If I could steal it - yes, the baby, take it to the bathroom and open its diapers, I would have. I was so curious to know if it was a boy or a girl. Not knowing was terribly uncomfortable. It kept smiling at me. Its smile said nothing about its gender. I think it was probably because it did not have teeth. It was not the flirtatious smile of a boy baby to a female; neither was it the mischievous smile of a girl baby to a girl [sorry girls!]. I just had to know; if not for anything, I needed to stop the mental argument going on in my head where I referred to the baby as he, she, and it - all at once. No, calling it the baby just wouldn't do either. So why didn't I just ask? I don't know. I just could not bring myself to ask the question. How would I have asked?

• Is it a boy or a girl?
• He's a boy?
• What's her name?
• So uhm ... did you get its gender checked before you had it?
• May I see its birth certificate for a second?
• Do you mind if I borrow your baby for a minute? Just need to go to the bathroom and check something real quick.

D'oh! I just got an idea. I could have asked: So what's the baby's name? Well, too late now! I'll never find them again. But now that I think of it, the baby could have had a unisex name like Jamie or Chibuzo. Okay, fine. Maybe the chance of a White, blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby answering Chibuzo is slim, but it's not totally impossible.

Maybe I should not have blogged about my desire to take a woman's baby into the bathroom and expose its genitals. You think that might be sending the wrong message? Yeah, me too. The good news is that I am semi anonymous, and most of you don't know what I look like - hopefully. The bad news is that I am kidding myself and the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) peeps might start looking at me weird.

Yeap. Some things are definitely better left unsaid.

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Something that does need to be said, however, is the Annual Shiloh Festival at House of Praise Baltimore Church. It started yesterday, Nov. 8th, and it will end on Sunday Nov. 15th 2009. I was there yesterday [Apostle Sunny Aiyemo (from Nigeria) preached], and it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E - to say the least. If you're the Baltimore area, consider making a date with the LORD. I'll be doing the same for the days I can make it. The schedule is below.

Day	Date	Time	Pastor
Monday	Nov. 9th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Tuesday	Nov. 10th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Wednesday	Nov. 11th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Thursday	Nov. 12th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Friday	Nov. 13th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Saturday	Nov. 14th	7:00 pm	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure
Sunday	Nov. 15th	9:00 am & 11:00 am	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure

** Saturday's service is actually a praise event, so come there with your singing voice and your dancing shoes. And wear your African outfit, if you can.

** For Tuesday's service, Apostle Sunny Aiyemo has requested that you bring a bottle of water with you.

Contact info:

Address: 6101 Moravia Park Drive

Baltimore, MD, 21206.

Tel: 1.410.483.6101n OR 1.410.483.6107

E-mail: admin@houseofpraisebaltimore.org

Website: www.houseofpraisebaltimore.org

Unto Us A Child Is Born

I was gonna title this post, "He betrayed me," because that was how I felt on Monday, but I guess I'm over it now - kinda sorta. I promised I had good news for you, so here goes: Busola has had her baby. She gave birth on Monday, December 22nd 2008 at 1:09 PM. The baby weighed 5.12 lbs. Alright, I'll rewind.

I know, I know, I know. I never told anyone that she was pregnant, right? Yes, that's because she made me promise I will not run my mouth on my blog, so you see, I had to keep it a secret. Remember when I said I met some beautiful bloggers?? Well, I met them at the surprise baby shower we had for Busola [which I invited them to]. I could not blog about the shower either because that would have meant disclosing her very pregnant state. But now that she has offloaded, I am free to run my mouth. No, I cannot disclose the name of the baby yet. His naming ceremony will be held tomorrow.

So why did I feel betrayed? Well, let's see. The baby was due to be born on January 19th 2009. I and the baby talked about his supposed due date several times, and we had an agreement - or at least I thought we did. I told him to get born on January 14th - my birthday. He nodded - kicked rather, and I interpreted that to be a handshake. I thought we had agreed! When you shake hands (or kick a foot) on a deal, you do not go back on your words, darn it!!

When Busola called me at almost 2:30 in the morning on Monday to tell me her water had broken, I was devastated. All my dreams of sharing the same birthday with my new boyfriend were shattered. Shattered, I tell you! Busola was not making it easier either. I pleaded with her to shut her legs and hold the delivery off till the 14th of January (I mean, it's not that far), but she refused. The girl refused! After all I have done for her, she could not do this one little thing for me. Now I know who my real friends are - NOT!

Anywayz.... I got over my anger. Why? I witnessed the birth of my new boyfriend. Yes, yours truly witnessed him being born. It was beautiful. Busola was crying. Her husband was crying. Her mother-in-law was crying. But I didn't shed a tear. Alright, who am I kidding? I probably started crying before everyone else. I could not help it. He was so little. And so perfect. I have never seen anyone so beautiful. I should mention that Funmi missed the entire delivery. Why? She was.... *D.R.U.M.R.O.L.L* .... sleeping!!! Yes, sleeping. We called and called, but home girl did not pick up. I had to call her brother's phone. To make matters worse, she couldn't go see the baby after he was born because she was suffering from strep throat and flu. Nnyama. Yuck!

On the day of his birth, I took more than 250 pictures. And no, they're not available yet. Too many pictures to go through and sort out. Remember I have to filter my own pictures out. LOL. I will upload them later. I am so proud of Busola; she did so well. The babe is strong. And beautiful. She's beautiful inside and outside, and I am so, so, so blessed to have her in my life. I'm wondering if I should erase the preceding words because she will call me and say, "Vera, I know you want me." Really, I don't. *hiss*

Soooo after watching Busola give birth, I have learnt a few lessons for my future children. They are outlined below. Maybe you could adopt some of them too.

1. Epidural helps a whole lot! But I will not wait till I am in labor to take my epidural. If my period ventures to be late, that is it ooo! Epidural all the way. Sure, I might be completely paralyzed by the time of delivery, but hey, at least I won't be in pain.

2. Prenatal pills make women glow. I'm not even gonna wait till I get pregnant. From tomorrow, I will start downing prenatal pills. I wanna start now to have that pregnancy glow, so that when I become pregnant, I will glow even more. Of course, it will grow my hair too. Speaking of hair, I hope it's only the one on my head ooo!

3. When you're pregnant, people are nice to you. As soon as I get pregnant, I will begin to crave anything and everything - including but not limited to perfumes, shoes, range rovers, Nokias, Black Berries, money, jewelry....etc. You know now...the regular stuff that pregnant women crave.

4. Since child birth is so painful, I will give birth in rapid succession. While I'm pregnant with child #1, I will have plenty of unprotected sex with hubby, so that he can get me pregnant...while I'm already pregnant. That way, as soon as I give birth to child #1, I will come back to the hospital in about 4 months time to give birth to child #2, and then in another 3 months to give birth to child #3. Before you know it, I would have popped out all my five children (including my set of confusingly identical twin boys).

5. When you're in labor, people will do anything and everything to make you feel better. I will shut my legs and demand a ransom for the release of the baby. Sure, you may call it fetusnapping, but do I care?? Nope! The ransom will not be anything that is too difficult to get. All I would demand is that Obama come into my bedroom, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, rub my tummy and tell me that I'm doing good. That is all I will demand. Now is that too much??? Do I hear a resounding, "No!!!"

Shikena. I'm a very simple babe. It's really not difficult to please me. Like I said, I apologize for not having pictures of the baby's birth, but for now, please enjoy the pictures of the baby shower. And no, there are no bloggers in the pictures. They can show you their pictures themselves. Click HERE to view the pictures. So please join us in thanking God oh for this favor. We are truly blessed. My dear sister, Busola is favored in eyes of God.

This is my last post for 2008. See you in 2009 - January 1st 2009. 12:01 AM baby!!! I no go disappoint una na...