Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker

Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker,

I hope this post meets you well. I know you have been busy tracking the e-whereabouts of your partner, exploring every new friend he/she made on Facebook, following everyone that's following him/her on Twitter, checking out the space of everyone who is on his/her MySpace page, and submitting his/her name to Google Alerts, so that you can literally be alerted every time his/her name appears on the world wide web. It's all been very time consuming, I'm sure.

It is for this reason that I bring you relief - yes, I know I'm nice. You see, there's a new thing out there. Let's call it a cell phone tracker. That really is what it is. For the very convenient and affordable monthly fee of 9.99 American dollars - that's 1,498.50 in Naira. With this service, you will finally be able to monitor your partner fully and get answers to those burning questions:

1.  Where exactly is he/she?

2.  Who is he/she with?

3.  What is he/she doing?

4.  Who is he/she doing?

5.  Who is calling him/her?

6.  Who is he/she calling?

7.  Who is texting him/her?

8.  Who is he/she texting?

9.  Does he/she scream the other person's name like he/she screams my name?

10.  Does he/she think I'm a deranged lunatic who should be committed to the Psychiatric ward?

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, no, I've not been asking that last question." Well, you don't have to be asking it. By the time you're done tracking his/her cell phone, he/she will definitely be answering that question for you.

I also know what you're now thinking: "Well, where's the link to the cell tracking company?"

And to that, I say: For a convenient and affordable one-time fee of $49.99, I'll tell you everything you need to know. Or you could just click the link and find out for yourself HERE.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

The Single Married Man

There are men who are married, but apparently don't know they are married. Or maybe they know, but they don't really care that they are married. I think it's the latter. I'm sure that everyone and their mama has heard about cheating married men. Everyone probably knows at least one cheating married man. I don't know if every woman has been offered the position of mistress in the life of a married man.

A little while ago, I was offered that position. A very young married man offered me the position of mistress in his life. But he was kind enough to say that I should not worry about his wife because I have him (and I guess she doesn't?), that he would let me get married when I'm ready to, and that while he's not rich, he would still take care of me.

I was shocked. It was not the first time I was approached by a married man. It was, however, the first time that a married man clearly stated his marital status and his intentions for me. To further convince me, he told me that no man can stay with one woman because men are naturally polygamous. If God cannot give me a faithful man, then I'd rather be single for the rest of my life. That's what I told him - among other things. I still stand by it.

That said, the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio resumes its regular schedule this Saturday. Are you excited? It appears I'm a bit nervous. Or maybe just overly excited. I even forgot to put up the weekly poll. Tune in this Saturday at 10am U.S. Eastern (3pm Nigerian Time) to listen to us live. Mustapha will be bringing his A-game on as my honorable co-host. You don't want to miss this.

Listen live here

Time: 10am U.S. Eastern / 3pm Nigerian Time

E-mail: radio@verastic.com

Radio call-in number: 1.646.929.1905

General number: 1.443.934.9039

If you have any questions concerning this show or any future shows, feel free to contact me through any of the means above. If you have a story you'd like to share or a comment you'd like to make, e-mail it before the show to radio@verastic.com

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

Finally! I Got To Live A Life-Long Dream Of Mine

I'm not sure when this became a dream fantasy for me, but I have always wanted to pee in the men's bathroom. Several times, I've considered sneaking into the men's bathroom, but I have been too chicken to follow through, fearing that there may be too many men in there, and they will catch me and do me something. Reasonable fear, isn't it?

Well, on Tuesday, September 7th, I went somewhere. I have deliberately chosen to leave out the name of said place. You never know who might be reading. They just might have a surveillance clip of me in their custody, and next thing, I'm streaming live on YouTube, sneaking in and out of the men's bathroom with my eyes wide open, looking like a deer caught in a headlight.  But that's by the way.

So, I went somewhere on Tuesday, and just as I was about to exit the building, the urge to pee - which I had been ignoring - became intense, and I had to go back in. The first women's bathroom I found was locked. Desperate, I immediately attempted to enter the men's bathroom that was across it. It was locked too. I walked some more and found another set of bathrooms. This time, the women's bathroom was open, but I couldn't use it because it was being cleaned, and I was not allowed in there. Now very desperate, I looked around, no one was looking, so I sneaked into the men's bathroom!  

And this, my friends, is the very commode I squatted on. Don't worry, I wiped the extra pee I splashed on it.

The urinaries! I did consider peeing in one of them, but I wasn't sure how to position my v-jay-jay without having half the pee on myself. Tough one! Plus, I did fear someone would walk in, and I'd have no way of explaining myself.

Even their mirrors look just like ours! I had to position myself perfectly between them, so I don't appear in the picture.

Now that I've done this, I have to start planning how to live my next fantasy: having a male roommate ... even if it's just for a weekend.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

His Finger Nails Are Too Short!

I will not boast of having heard it all. After all, it was just the other day that I learned of salad tossing, but that's a totally different story.  So, there I was, having a mini Girls' Night Out with a bunch of girls, and as usual, the major topic of discussion was men.  What else is there to talk about anyway?

Chika, a semi-new friend of ours randomly mentioned Nnamdi, a guy who likes her, but whom, unfortunately, she cannot date. "He's too short," she told us. Well, nothing new about that. A lot of women prefer men who are about six feet tall (or at least visibly taller than them).  Of course, it takes having a taste of both worlds (tall and short) to realize that there's something in between --- and it has nothing to do with the height.

Chika's position did not surprise us. My list does, after all, state that I want someone who is "visibly taller than me."  What did stun me however was that Chika's biggest problem was not the height of Nnamdi's body, but rather the length of his finger nails.  Yes, yes, Nnamdi is short, and yes, she does have a problem with his height, but she is more concerned about the length of his finger nails.

It turns out that a man's finger nails are directly proportional to the length of his member.  Nnamdi's finger nails aren't short because he cut them, or because he has stopped them from growing, but rather because he has one of those nails that even when cut short, they are still short - compared to other people's short nails.  

Try as I might, I could not find a picture of short nails. I'm sure it has a name. These doctors and scientists always have a way of making everything sound worse. A boil, for example, is called a furuncle. I prefer to just call it a boil. I feel a lot better that way.  But on the issue of Chika and Nnamdi, I will now go ahead and commence Operation-Test-The-Nails/Member-Theory on every man. Starting from today - especially today, I will study every man's finger nails, and soon and very soon, the truth will be told!

What say you?

Have You Met Yotaro?

Probably not.

First of all, I apologize for the very late update. I was busy debuting my acting career in church. On Sunday, I and 10 other singles - Funmie included - entertained my church with a stage play they will not forget in a hurry. We got a standing ovation from a very enthusiastic and appreciative congregation, and it was praised as "the best play ever in House of Praise!!" Ah, ah! If you can't tell, I'm still gloating. Chinenye will testify of its total goodness. I'll be signing autographs as I get ready to add 'Actress' to my resume.  But I digress.

Did you know that Japan has a low birth rate? At first glance, you may see this as a good thing. Why would Japan want a high birth rate? China, for example, has a high birth rate, and is fighting to reduce it. Japan, on the other hand, has a low birth rate because all the young Japanese are "too school/career-oriented." Everyone is more concerned about getting the best grades and going to the best schools. What, you thought it was impossible for that to be a problem?

The young Japanese that are supposed to take over from the aging and retiring generation are not ready to get married and/or have children. Men and women see themselves as different species. In desperation, Japan has agreed to pay each family $150 each month, per child until the child reaches high school. A good incentive, but it is as good as Yotaro?

Picture culled of CNN

This is Yotaro. He's a baby robot. The Japanese are hoping that this baby robot  - who cries, sneezes, giggles, kicks, has a warm body, and is made of silicon - would make the young Japanese want to have a baby. Why and how? Well, by the time they spend time with Yotaro, he will - hopefully - trigger human emotions that will prompt people to want the real thing. You can watch the video below. 

I have to admit: the Japanese people are brilliant. They have a baby robot who does all the cute things that babies do. They did not make a baby who will wake up every two 1.5 hours and cry incessantly for no apparent reason. They did not make a baby who will attack your freshly made up face with vomit. They did not make a baby who will pee on you as you struggle to change his diaper. And of course, no need for the baby who scratches your face and only keeps quiet when you carry him and stand up.  Somehow, he always knows when you sit down. By the way, baby Yotaro stops crying once you touch him, and we all know how it happens just like that in real life.

So, Yotaro is a good incentive. Some Japanese even say that he's a better incentive than a monthly government stipend. But is Yotaro as good as my incentive in boosting the birth rate of Japan? Probably not.  I say the government should mandate every couple to have sex three times a day without any kind of birth control. All existing forms of birth control should be recalled and thrown into the refinery.  In order to ensure that couples don't cheat by doing the pull out method or not having sex at all, a government agent must stand and watch the action live and direct. I need not tell you that abortions or any action(s) that may lead to an abortion would be highly forbidden! To crown my incentive, once a woman is pregnant, she will taken into custody and put on mandatory bed rest and 24-hour surveillance.

What say you?

Wanna Know Why Your Man Is Cheating On You?

And no, it has nothing to do with me. Although the idea does tickle me a bit.

It's all about the Oxytocin.  You see, Oxytocin is a hormone that acts primarily as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  However, it's also responsible for some other things.  Oxytocin is released by men and women during orgasm; it induces labor, stimulates the nipples to release milk when the baby sucks on them, and contributes to maternal bonding.  It is Oxytocin's role in maternal bonding that earned it the nickname, Cuddle Hormone.

So, what does all this have to do with men's infidelity? Women, unlike men, secret a lot of Oxytocin, which is why they bond so easily emotionally.  Most of us have been told that men cheat because (in no particular order)

1.  There's a lack of sex at home.

2.  Their wives have let themselves go

3.  They're horrible people with inactive consciences!

Okay, that last one might be slightly true, but for the rest of them, research actually shows that most cheating men do not do it because they don't get enough sex or because they don't find their wives interesting anymore.  On the contrary, research shows that most men cheat because there's a lack of emotional connection with their women.  

Again, where does Oxytocin come in? Well, a lot of times, the fact that they are cheating isn't the biggest problem.  The biggest problem is that they don't feel guilty about it. And even when they do feel guilty, their guilt is not enough to stop them.  Whatever feeling they have for the other woman just overrides every emotion they ever felt for their real women. But if they had some Oxytocin, they would have bonded more with their wives. They would have felt guilty. They would have .... oh, the possibilities!! You get where I'm going with this?

As much as I would just love to take credit for this Oxytocin vs Cheating Men theory, I cannot. I learned of it from the Dr. Oz show. Daytime television is not totally useless.  However, I do have a verastic twist to this: In light of this new discovery - however valid it may be - I suggest that all women mandate their men to take daily shots of Oxytocin.  It wouldn't be any different from transgendered men who take shots of estrogen.

Now, now, I know what you're thinking: But Vera, women have Oxytocin, and they still cheat! To that, I say, "How dare you accuse us of such a despicable act?! We are not capable of such filth."  *** All women now motion to adjust their halos***

P.S. Fri from WeddingNouveau.com has an awesome post about the fashion that has now become the African head wraps. You should check it out.

P.P.S. Verastically Speakin' is one whole year today. We've come a long way from our first show (Dates: Whose Bill Is It Anyway?).  I was so flippin' nervous.  And for today, I'd actually appreciate a few happy-birthday texts, calls, e-mails, Range Rovers ... the works.

P.P.P.S. In case you did not notice, the title of this post speaks in present tense. If your man is really currently cheating on you AND you know about it ... AND he's still your man ---- well, no comments.

P.P.P.P.S. The above statement does not apply to married folks. Married folks are allowed to cheat back. Or better yet, marry a second husband or wife (as opposed to a courtship where you could should just break up).

DISCLAIMER: I hereby release myself from all consequences of anyone following my advise and marrying a second spouse or breaking up with your significant other. You may do any of these at your full discretion, bearing in mind that no matter what you decide to do, your decision does not affect me --- unless, of course, you're going after my husband. My current unmarried marital status has no bearing in this.

Lies Men Told Me

I think every woman must have her list of lies that men told her. Whether she believed them or not is a totally different issue. Men, I know, must have their own lies that were told to them by women, but I'm a female blogger, so what do I care about the lies that were not told to me (or my  specie)? 

Lies I Believed	Lies I Did Not Believe
“You’re my one and only” --> I wasn’t. He was actually engaged. It’s a long story. Technically, however, he was not cheating on me. We’re now very good friends.	“I’ll trek to Africa for you” --> Of course, you would. Start trekking.
“I swear on my mother’s life, I did not get any woman pregnant.” --> He lied. But his mother is still alive.	“I’m going to take you to the promised land” --> I still don’t know if he meant it literally or figuratively.
“That was my last cigarette. I quit smoking for you.” --> Oh, the good ol’ days when I used to think I could change a man.	“You know you’re actually lucky that I’m into you.” --> Lucky?? I was insulted that he was into me.
“I’m 33. I’ll be 34 next year.” --> Yeah, more like, I’m 39. I’ll be 40 this year.	“I told my aunt about you. She cannot wait to meet you!” --> Heck, if I care about you and your aunt. Screw you both.
“I wish I could spoil you.” --> As I’ve come to find out, ‘spoil’ is relative.	“I’m not going to let it go in all the way. I just want the head to go in, that’s all….and I’ll be there for only two seconds.” --> Do I really need to tell you what this conversation was about?
“We’re just friends.” --> … that occasionally bone each other.	“So many girls like me, but you’re the only one I love.” --> I don’t know which part I doubted more: the part about so many girls liking him, or the part about him loving only me.
“You’re like a sister to me.” --> I was treated like anything but a sister.	“I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.” --> That’s what I said to the snail before I cut off its eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m a changed man now. Please forgive me.” --> Well, he did change --- for about 48 hours.	“I’m not saying I want to date you. I really just want to be friends.” --> But I said I don’t want to be friends.
“I’m jealous because I love you.” --> More like I’m envious, bitter, and angry because I am obsessed with you --- and I have a low self esteem to boot.	“I don’t want to have sex with you. I want to make love to you.” --> Oh! Is this the one where you don’t have to enter me at all?
“I love you.” --> I’ve fallen for this more times than I care to count.	“I love you.” --> But there are those times I just knew they were lies.

I chose to blog about this now because on Saturday, May 22nd 2010, the topic for discussion on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio is "In The Name Of All Things Men."  You thought I was going to say, Lies Men Told Me, huh?  Well, we'll be talking about issues related to men, and as you can imagine, lies they have told fall right under there.  I'll be co-hosting with Aribaba and Bdon, and according to Aribaba, he'll be coming to face the "firing squad."

This may be hard to believe, but there are actually positive things to discuss when we talk about men.  Naturally, none of these positive things come to mind right now, but I'm almost completely certain that they do exist J

Join me on Saturday morning (at 10am U.S. Eastern Time/ 3pm Nigerian Time). Let's iron these issues out. Listen here | Call in 1.646.929.1905 | E-mail thoughts,questions, and ideas about this show to radio@verastic.com | Call/text me if you have questions 1.443.934.9039 | Follow me on Twitter | Connect on Facebook.

The Four-Hour Erection

I don't have it --- with good reason.

But every time the Cialis or Viagra commercial comes on and says something like, "If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, consult your doctor," I cannot help but wonder what that feels and looks like.  And no, this is not a shy and subtle attempt at asking for pictures of four-hour erections.  

Four hours is a long, long time.  It's 240 minutes.  It's 14, 400 seconds --- of a man just sitting - or maybe standing - behind a hard place, doing what?  I've heard and read stories of men suffering from blue balls because they were turned on and weren't given the opportunity to have a plunging relief of their tension.  

The times I've heard and read such stories, they did not sound as if the man was standing, doing nothing, admiring the stiffness that threatened to put a hole in his pants.  Or his mattress, if he was lying face-down on the bed.  But I assume that such a position would be as comfortable as a pregnant woman lying on her stomach.  Of course, if he was not wearing any pants or underwear, the threat of a hole in them would be null and void.  Impossible.

If a man were to be patient enough to let four hours of hardness pass him by, he ought to be efficient.  There are many things that could be, should be done with the hard instrument.  Pounding yams, grinding pepper, staring a hot pot of soup, using it as a pin and needle holder, and hitting a nail.  These are just a few creative ideas that Cialis and Viagra should consider adding to their commercials.  Although it'd be fancy seeing a man walk into the clinic with his emotions on his loins.

And if you're wondering what on earth has gotten into me, quite honestly, I'm not sure.  I need a breakthrough.

Men Have It Hard

On Friday, I went to my former school to print some things out.  I was about to walk into a building when I noticed an African-American girl in front of me.  She was about my age, give or take a year, and she was walking rather slowly, so I eventually walked past her.  She had on a white pair of leggings, a white shirt, and a pair of white sandals.  Her leggings weren't full in length; they stopped midway between her knees and her ankles.  Her shirt had three-quarter sleeves, stopped somewhere between her elbows and her wrists.  Her sandals were the thong kind, the kind that had the little thing between the big toe and the second toe.

She was not skinny or small in stature.  On the contrary, she was probably about my size, except, perhaps with a heavier, nicer butt.  Yes, I noticed her butt.  As a matter of fact, that's probably why I'm blogging.  With each step this girl took, I could not help but notice the decadent and rhythmic swaying of her hips, the bouncing of her butt cheeks, the thickness of her thighs, and even the way the wind blew the soft brown highlights in her hair.

And so, when I got to the building before her, I did not do what I would have, should have done.  I would have, should have opened the door, gone through, and then, courteously held the door ajar for her.  Instead, like a doorman, I opened it and waited for her to go past first.  I even said, "Go ahead."  And she did.  As she walked past me, my eyes were still fixated on her.  Facially, she was forgettable.  As I type this now, I don't remember her face anymore.  I do, however, remember her butt, her hips, her hair, the color of her skin, her sandals, and possibly, the size of her breasts.

As I walked behind her, I found myself scratching my head, mesmerized by two things:

1.  Could this be how all the gay people became gay?

2.  Why on earth did I not leave the house looking like her?! 

Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a pair of three-quarter leggings somewhere calling my name!

I Want A Fat Wife

Those are precious words that you'll probably never hear from a man's mouth.  Perhaps, this blog is as close as you'll ever come to hearing it from a man's mouth.  And I am not even a man, so go figure.

Remember back in the day when the bigger a woman was, the better looking she was considered?  Remember how that used to be the evidence of good living?  It used to be the proof that she was well taken care of by her father or husband, preferably her husband.  Remember how the women with wide hips and butts as wide as pillows held sideways used to boast of having an ikebe super?  Igbo men call such hips/butt "ukwu pathfinder [pathfinder hips]," "ukwu transformer [transformer hips]," "ukwu v-boot [v-boot hips]," "ike danger [dangerous butt] ... and the list goes on.  Well, what happened?

Did men stop wanting the pathfinder hips, hips that are sure to find the path at any given point, even without a GPS?  Did men stop wanting the transformer hips, hips that can power the electricity in an entire block (or consequently cause the electricity to fail due to too much voltage)?  Did they stop wanting the hips shaped like that v-boot Mercedes Benz?  Did they stop wanting the dangerous butts, the kind that literally cost people their lives?  Or did we, women, change?

Women everywhere seem to be in a craze for the skinny bones.  Have we [African women] become more educated about the risks and dangers of obesity?  Or have we become more westernized, looking to the likes of Beyonce and Rihanna, for our ideal image?  What is really going on?  What we used to consider voluptuous, curvy, and shapely is now plain ol' fat.  One man's fat, I realize, is another man's average and vice versa.

But you know what's interesting, while we [women] spend a lot of time making ourselves over, redefining the meaning of [black] beauty, nipping here and tucking there, the standard of beauty, it seems, has remained the same for the men: tall, dark, and handsome.

I'm sure you have plenty to say.  Thankfully, Good Naija Girl, Caramel, and I will be discussing it live on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio show tomorrow, Saturday, March 6th 2010.  The show will be airing at 10am U.S. Eastern time [4pm Nigerian time & 3pm U.K time].  Click here to listen.  Join the live conversation by calling 1.646.929.1905.  Send your thoughts/stories/questions via e-mail radio@verastic.com  or text 1.443.934.9039.  Follow me on Twitter for updates.

Ka chi fo [Goodnight in Igbo].

P.S. I'd like to say a big congratulations and best wishes to Onyi and Noni.  It's been a year since they started their journey.  I pray God's blessings and favor meet them both at the point of their individual and collective needs.  Amen.


P.P.S. Don't forget to vote [in the top right sidebar]!

What Do Women Want?

I am not due for an update till tomorrow, but tomorrow is when the show on Verastically Speakin will come up, asking and tackling what I will now dramatize and call the ultimate question: What Do Women Want??? That is why I have decided to blog about it today. I want you to have at least twenty-four hours to think about it. I will be co-hosting with Diamond-Hawk & Rosie. Rosie has conveniently changed her name to Lucid Lilith, which has been a tongue twister for me - even now as I type it, it's a finger twister, so I have reserved my right to call her Rosie. So....

What exactly do women want?

• Love?
• Romance?
• Respect?
• Companionship?
• Loyalty?
• Security?
• Stability?
• All of the above ... plus a totally smackable bum? [Okay, maybe just me then].

I know what I want, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. And no, it's not just about the smackable bum. Thank you very much. I also know what the men think women want. They think we don't know what we want. Well, do we have news for them or what?

I remember when I used to want a man who will want to do a lot of public display of affection with me. I quickly realized that I had to narrow my want; apparently, the public display of affection didn't feel quite good when I was not into the man in the first place. I remember when I used to want a man who would have all sorts of sweet terms of endearment for me - baby, honey, sweetie - then I realized I would prefer that he not say baby every five seconds. I remember when I used to want a man who would know the little things about me. Oh, yes... then I got that one that remembered my bra size, but not my last name. I would have probably felt better if he had at least seen the bra. But to think that my very public last name was WAEC to him....

Tsk. Tsk.

I know I know what I want now.

************************************************

The poll is up there. If you have not voted, please do. If you have voted, try to vote again because your vote might not count. Reason is that I had to redo this poll four times, and each time I redid it, I had to take off the one you already voted on, so please vote again. Thank you.

Last but not least, the time for the show has changed. Well, the time in U.S. is the same, but outside of U.S., it might not be the same. U.S. changed time on Sunday; the clock went back one hour, so Nigeria, for example, is now six hours ahead of us, instead of five. That said, if you're in Nigeria, Verastically Speakin' will air at 4pm your time NOT 3pm. I said 4pm oooo!!!! It's still 3pm GMT. Apparently, it used to be 4pm GMT - even though I've been proudly saying 3pm GMT and none of you corrected me. Confused? Maybe the table below will help.

U.S. Eastern Time [ex: New York]	10am
U.S. Central Time [ex: Chicago]	9am
U.S. Mountain Time [ex: Arizona, Utah]	8am
U.S. Pacific Time [ex: Los Angeles, Seattle]	7am
Nigerian Time	4pm
U.K. Time	3pm
GMT Time	3pm

If I do not have your general vicinity listed up there, I apologize. Please check www.greenwichmeantime.com I did, of course, consider listing all the countries in the world and their time on my blog - cause you know how the entire world just can't wait to tune into Verastically Speakin,' - but the space on my blog just wouldn't do. Plus, it's kind of late, and I just want to sleep.

So make sure you tune into Verastically Speakin tomorrow and find out what women want. Yippee! E-mails go here >> radio@verastic.com Phone calls before and after the show go here >> 1.443.934.9039 Phone calls during the show [to join the conversation on air] go here >> 1.646.929.1905 Tweets go here www.twitter.com/verastic

And of course, money goes here >> P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

$$$ *Hint, hint* Women [Vera] want[s] money!! $$$

>>>>Don't forget to vote in the poll!! Talk to you tomorrow! J

What Do Men Want???

Just when I thought the upcoming show on Saturday couldn't get better, it did!! Don't be found missing on Saturday, August 8th 2009 as I and THREE able-bodied, intelligent men discuss that which we [women] have all been dying to know: What Do Men Want? [Do I hear a yum-yum from the woman beings?]

For so long, the question has been, 'What Do Women Want?' It was [still is] so prevalent that an entire movie had to be dedicated to it. After watching the movie, I walked away with a new question: What Do Men Want??? So let's find out, shall we?

Before you read any further, do take five seconds to do that poll by the right sidebar. Now, if the poll is anything to go by, it seems like men want respect and good sex. My twitter friend, Kookie Jar was kind enough to direct me to Steve Harvey's book, Think Like A Lady; Act Like A Man. From there, I learned that men want three things: support, love, and sex.

Since I am not a man, I cannot say for sure what men want. For this reason (and also the fact that it'd be great to have a little loads of testosterone on Verastically Speakin'), I have the pleasure and honor of co-hosting with three men: Ekene Agabu, Christian [Chris], and Mustapha. Yippee!!

First, I have Ekene Agabu. He's a writer and a speaker whose distinct focus is on sex and relationships. Yes, that's his picture on the left. Yes, he's very nice. No, I don't know his marital status - yet. For those that have inquired [about his marital status], tune in on Saturday; ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set ye free!

Second, I have Christian [we can call him Chris]. He's quite opinionated, and not at all conservative. I will try my best to warn Chris to keep it clean. Oh, he speaks French. Oh la la. Unfortunately, I don't have Chris's picture - yet. I'll update this if I get one. I do not know his marital status either. But together, we can find out.

Last, but not least, I have Mustapha! He has a lotttt to say! I know his marital status, but I'll let him say it himself. So tune in on Saturday. He'll probably be the middle man between Chris and Ekene. Or maybe not. Saturday will tell. Unfortunately, I do not have Mustapha's picture either. If he sends it, I'll definitely update. Watch this space.

There is still time for questions/comments. If you have any questions/comments for me and/or these men, e-mail them to radio@verastic.com Alternatively, you could text your questions to 1-443-934-9039. Include your name and where you're writing/texting from.

In case I have not said it before, Verastically Speakin Talk Radio isn't just about me. In fact, I don't think it's about me at all. That said, I am always looking for new co-hosts. If you're interested, e-mail radio@verastic.com or call 1-443-934-9039. If you have an idea for a show that will be hawt, please send the idea ASAP.

I am still looking for co-hosts for the Female, Accomplished, Over 30, & Single show. If you're interested in co-hosting with me, contact me RIGHT NOW. If you're wondering about the criteria, read this.

The Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio airs every Saturday @ 10:00 AM U.S. EST time/3:00 PM Naija time. Visit www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic to listen and join the chat room with other listeners. Or you could just listen and/or call in via telephone: 1-646-929-1905.

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Email: radio@verastic.com

Talk To Me

I have never been female, 30, accomplished... and single ... all at once. I feel a deep obligation to stress at this point that I am currently female, have always been female, and will always be female. That said, there is an epidemic out there. Women of all backgrounds, races, nationalities, and tribes are suffering the case of Manlessomnia. As one who has suffered this illness before, I can say it is so not funny!

Looking in from the outside, it is easy to say that women who are accomplished are the problem, but one never really knows. Each situation, I believe, is as unique as the woman in it. I do not know for sure what the problem is, but I'll sure love to find out!

My Mom, God bless her heart, has a thesis - which I should say I completely disagree with! A married female medical doctor (in her middle/late 30s) asked Mom if she knows any single, Nigerian men. Apparently, the doc's friends (who are also all in their 30s) are all very accomplished and also very, very single. We're talking Manlessomnia X3. Okay, I digress...

Mom came home all worried and heavy-laden. When I asked her what the problem was, she said, "Young Nigerian women are wasting away. No husbands to marry them," I should mention she looked a little too sad for these women's predicaments, considering that she does not even know them [she only knows their doctor friend]. Anyway, mom's well-thought-out thesis? Young Nigerian women are single because ALL the young Nigerian men are now gay.

I don't know about you, but this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I know there are gay Nigerian men out there (contrary to what we would like to believe), but I doubt if their gayness is correlated to these women's Manlessomnia. But what do I know? I'm just a girl who sits in front of her laptop and makes up words like Manlessomnia.

There is a reason I bring this up right now. I have scheduled this as a show on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio. If all goes well, we'll be discussing this on Saturday, August 22nd 2009 (10:00 AM U.S. EST/3:00 PM Nigerian time). BUT! Here comes the aha moment. I need co-hosts for this. The show will run only if I get co-hosts. Yes, co-hostS. As in more than one. Three, to be specific.

Here's what I need:

2 female co-hosts (You have to meet the criteria, please: female, accomplished, @ least 30, and single)

1 male co-host (You also have a criteria to meet: If you have mingled with a woman of the above description, you're good enough for me. It doesn't matter if you dated successfully or not. Whatever the story is, bring it on!)

So if you're interested, please e-mail me: radio@verastic.com I'll take the co-hosts on a first-come, first-serve basis (that's if anyone comes, of course. LOL).

P.S. Your nationality/race/tribe does not matter at all. This is not a Nigerian problem; it's a female problem. And I need serious, open-minded, and talkative people. It's a talk show, so we need to talk.

Thank you, darlings!

*Manlessomnia:
an acute
a chronic case of manlessness that causes many, many, many sleepless nights.

Ah, Women Sef...

There is a reason why men say women do not know what they want. I like to think that I know what I want. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know what I want.

On Sunday, I was walking from the parking lot and going up the steps, ascending into my church compound. In front of me was a Nigerian couple. I don't know if they were Igbo or Yoruba. The woman had a Yoruba face. The man, on the other hand, had an Igbo head. The woman was carrying the baby, and she was walking ahead of her husband. The husband was slowly following his wife's lead as he clutched the bible in his left hand and her brown hand bag in his right hand. I thought it was so sweet that he was holding her hand bag.

So why was I positively smiling as I went up the steps?

The way he held the purse, he just seemed a little too comfortable with it. The way his tummy led the way for his little portable body, it was cute. The way a smile sat on his face in spite of the skin-coloring sun, it was inspiring and amusing all at once. The way his pants sat on his abdomen, it was kind of comforting - yet bewildering. The brown hand bag knew it was safe in those hands. I was not too comfortable with the safe hands belonging to a man. So what is that I was saying again about it being sweet that he was holding his wife's purse?

Maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Maybe I'd rather my husband hold the baby while I clutch my very feminine hang bag, lest I begin to see him as less of a man. Maybe I'd rather he be so loving, caring, and confident that the thought of carrying my bag does not faze him. Maybe if he must carry it, I'd rather that he does not look so happy-go-lucky while doing it.

Or maybe I just need to shut up and leave the couple alone! Yeap, that's probably it.

Men, Men, Men!!!

That is apparently all we, women talk about.  I was looking at the table of contents for this month's Today's Black Woman magazine (with my girl, Jennifer Hudson on the cover), and look what I found...

So apparently, we have nothing else to discuss but men.  Well, I disagree!!  What about uhm...?  And uhm....?  Well, how about....?  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Oh, well.  You can't say I never tried to defend womanhood.  Hehehehe.

Men Are Under Immense Pressure

All this time, I thought women were under so much pressure.  Well, we are.  We are under pressure to be skinny, wrinkle-free, spotless, and forever 21.  Oh, let's not forget the pressure of having breasts that don't succumb to gravity, a booty that can hold a glass of water, a stomach as flat as an ironing board... you get the idea.  

But I was going through my spam folder (for my verastic email), just in case any good mail ended up there, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for men.  My spam folder has been bombarded will emails calling for me to immediately enlarge my penis size.  They must think I'm a man.  Either that or they think I'm a shemale.  Why else would my folder be flooded with crap like this? 

I was really curious to open some of them, but I cannot imagine the kind of trojan horse that will attack my laptop, so I'm just gonna pass.  However, their subjects are quite funny.  Here are a few.  My thoughts are in parenthesis.

1.  The best way to prove your virility is to get a Submariner SS watch. (What the heck is a submariner ss watch???)

2.  Impress Her In The Bedroom (I'd really rather not.)

3.  Make Her Say Yes - 3 Tips To Getting Your Lover Into Bed (So these are tips to trick her into bed.)

4.  Masturbation Myths (Tempting, but I'll pass.)

5.  Feeling Unneeded In Bed?  We Can Change It To A Different Feeling (LOL!  Honestly, I'm feeling unndeed in bed.  Those stuffed animals do not appreciate my body warmth @ all!)

6.  Your Time For Growth Enhancement (If you're talking about enhancing what I think you're talking about enhancing, then I'm sorry, I don't have it).

7.  From Now On, You Will Be Able To Please Any Size Queen (I don't know if I should be pleased about this, but I'm not.)

8.  She Can Have An Orgasm Just By Looking At Your Submariner SS Watch (Nawa o!  What is this watch made out of biko?  One thing is for sure: I have never, ever seen it.)

9. Thicker, More Muscular Manhood (For who exactly?)

10.  Make An Impression Of A Lady From The Highest Circles (I don't understand.)

11.  Lion Power In The Bedroom (I'd prefer Lioness)

12.  Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension (I know this is supposed to sound dirty, but goodness, does it have to be so graphic?)

13.  Now You Can Please Your Brand New Girlfriend Easily (Brand new, yes.  Girlfriend, no.)

14.  Your Super Mega Beast Will Grow Like On Yeast (I don't understand, but I think 'super mega beast' and 'yeast' should not appear in the same sentence.)

15.  Your Bulge Will Be So Noticeable You Will Have To Wear A Kilt (And where exactly  would this bulge be located?)

16.  Your Watch Will Understand You Better Than Anyone Else (This watch again????  I'm too afraid of trojans. Or else, I woulda googled it).

17.  Women Love Enormous Tools, and Believe Us, That's The Rule (Women, let your voices be heard: how true is this?)

18.  Break Those Chains That Have Forged Your Manhood (LOL!  This almost sounds like we're binding the devil.  Break those shackles!)

19.  Now You Don't Have To Look For Something To Cover Your Manhood When You're Naked (Men do that?  Eyaa.  Poor them.)

20.  You Can Have A VIP Male Toy Inside Your Pants (Please explain.)

Now, ladies, aren't you glad you're a woman???  Imagine if you were under so much pressure to increase your manhood, please her in bed, and make her have an orgasm just by looking at your watch.  Boy!!!  I'm glad I'm a woman. 

Now all I have to do is figure out how to stay become skinny, remain spotless clean up all my spots, keep my breasts from falling have a breast reconstructive surgery, remain wrinkle-free, keep my flat tummy have surgery to take off some ribs and liposuction to flaten my stomach, plump up my butt (so that it can comfortably sit at least 5 people), and of course, remain 21 reverse my age to 21.

Yeap, being a woman is soooooooooooooooo much easier.