The Secret To Getting Marriage Proposals

Get pregnant.

I know, I know. You're probably thinking, 'Well, I knew that already!' You may have known that already, but did you know how potent this secret is? Wait, you're gonna love me by the end of this post. You're going to love me so much that you'll go to my wish list and buy me one or two things. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping would be the effect of this post.

	Former Order Of Things	New Order Of Things
1	Boy meets girl	Boy meets girl
2	Boy falls in love with girl	Sex, sex, sex!!!
3	Boy proposes to girl	Baby shower
4	Bridal shower	Naming ceremony
5	Wedding	Christening
6	Sex, sex, sex!!!	Baby's 1st birthday
7	Baby shower	Boy falls in love with girl
8	Naming ceremony	Boy proposes to girl
9	Christening	Bridal shower
10	Baby’s 1st birthday	Wedding

Now, before you point an accusing finger at your friend, you can be rest assured that she did not tell me anything about how you got married or plan to get married.  And no, God did not reveal your innermost thoughts to me either.  Oh, and before I begin to receive insulting e-mails, I should also state that I am not talking about anyone in particular. If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am. But still, convince yourself that I am not. No, really. I am not. Or am I?

It used to be that John and Jane would be dating, and then, we'd hear that John proposed to Jane, and then, we'd be invited to the wedding. These days, John and Jane would be dating, and then, we'd get invited to a baby shower - which we'd confuse for a bridal shower, asking, "Wait, you mean a bridal shower, right?" To which the person we asked would emphasize, "No, I mean a baby shower." And then, all parties would think the same thought but not say anything.

To be fair, there are times when John and Jane would be dating, then we'd suddenly we invited to a wedding, then we'd wonder when John proposed. Then we'd say to the one who invited us, "Oh, I didn't know John and Jane got engaged!" To which the one we said it to would respond, "They didn't." And then, the one who responded would add, "By the way, the baby shower slash bridal shower is coming up in two weeks." And then, all parties would think the same thought again: are they getting married because she got pregnant?

And then, one day, one bold girl would ask of John, "Did you marry her because she got pregnant?" Looking straight ahead, John would say, "Oh, no! I would have married her anyway." And the bold girl would witness a big gulp going down the throat of John. And she would swear she saw a single tear roll down his right eye. He would smile, say he's happy, say Jane is just perfect for him, even thankful she got pregnant. The bold girl would smile, too.  And John and Jane would live somehow ever after - the bold girl not included in their life, of course.

So, you see. This formula works. Try it. A trial will convince you.

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are that of Vera Ezimora and are NOT guaranteed to give you your desired result. Conceive at your own risk!

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Tossed Any Salads Lately?

At no point in time is anyone completely knowledgeable of everything in life.  If I did not know this before, I surely found out on Saturday.  During the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio show on Saturday, the show topic was In The Name Of All Things Women.  It was co-hosted by Aribaba, Ego Du Jour, and Funmie.  Aribaba asked us questions about women --- like why we always say we're virgins (who said we aren't?), why we say we're not angry when we really are (that has never, ever happened!), and why we take forever to get ready (because we can. Get with the program).

Anyway, we did a good job of staying on the topic of the day until NaijaBloke decided to ask, "Why do women say 'eww' when you tell them to teabag?"  That was the beginning of confusion for me and Funmie, especially since Aribaba and Ego Du Jour both knew what it meant. We later found out what it means. If you don't know what it means, go ahead and research it. I have no intention of defining it here.

As if that wasn't bad enough, NaijaBloke (Yes, him again!) asked about women and salad tossing.  Again, Funmie and I found ourselves at a complete loss. No matter how I tried to creatively and figuratively think about what else salad tossing could possibly stand for, all I could think of was this:

As fate would have it (can I really thank fate for this?), Mogaji was there to explain it to us. Apparently, salad tossing is the act of eating/sucking/licking someone's butt hole.  Now, please tell me, why would someone in their right mind eat, lick, suck --- or even want to look at another person's butt hole? We are indeed talking about the butt hole that shits and farts, right?  I have heard many things, but this one takes the cake.  It has gotten me all shaken up.... and positively disgusted.

So many things have been running through my mind since I first heard this: In what position does the lickee stay while his/her butt is being eaten or licked? What kind of pleasure does the licker derive from sticking his  head between someone's naked butt cheeks. Finally, whose salad did NaijaBloke toss (or who tossed his salad?)

That said, I still don't know why they call it salad tossing. And no, I do not wish to find out.

P.S. The good news is that I won 8 out of the 15 categories I was nominated in for the Nigerian Blog Awards. Thank you all for nominating and voting for me.  I really, really, really appreciate it. What would I do without you?

P.P.S. Stay away from people's butt holes.  It's shitty in there.

Have You Met Yotaro?

Probably not.

First of all, I apologize for the very late update. I was busy debuting my acting career in church. On Sunday, I and 10 other singles - Funmie included - entertained my church with a stage play they will not forget in a hurry. We got a standing ovation from a very enthusiastic and appreciative congregation, and it was praised as "the best play ever in House of Praise!!" Ah, ah! If you can't tell, I'm still gloating. Chinenye will testify of its total goodness. I'll be signing autographs as I get ready to add 'Actress' to my resume.  But I digress.

Did you know that Japan has a low birth rate? At first glance, you may see this as a good thing. Why would Japan want a high birth rate? China, for example, has a high birth rate, and is fighting to reduce it. Japan, on the other hand, has a low birth rate because all the young Japanese are "too school/career-oriented." Everyone is more concerned about getting the best grades and going to the best schools. What, you thought it was impossible for that to be a problem?

The young Japanese that are supposed to take over from the aging and retiring generation are not ready to get married and/or have children. Men and women see themselves as different species. In desperation, Japan has agreed to pay each family $150 each month, per child until the child reaches high school. A good incentive, but it is as good as Yotaro?

Picture culled of CNN

This is Yotaro. He's a baby robot. The Japanese are hoping that this baby robot  - who cries, sneezes, giggles, kicks, has a warm body, and is made of silicon - would make the young Japanese want to have a baby. Why and how? Well, by the time they spend time with Yotaro, he will - hopefully - trigger human emotions that will prompt people to want the real thing. You can watch the video below. 

I have to admit: the Japanese people are brilliant. They have a baby robot who does all the cute things that babies do. They did not make a baby who will wake up every two 1.5 hours and cry incessantly for no apparent reason. They did not make a baby who will attack your freshly made up face with vomit. They did not make a baby who will pee on you as you struggle to change his diaper. And of course, no need for the baby who scratches your face and only keeps quiet when you carry him and stand up.  Somehow, he always knows when you sit down. By the way, baby Yotaro stops crying once you touch him, and we all know how it happens just like that in real life.

So, Yotaro is a good incentive. Some Japanese even say that he's a better incentive than a monthly government stipend. But is Yotaro as good as my incentive in boosting the birth rate of Japan? Probably not.  I say the government should mandate every couple to have sex three times a day without any kind of birth control. All existing forms of birth control should be recalled and thrown into the refinery.  In order to ensure that couples don't cheat by doing the pull out method or not having sex at all, a government agent must stand and watch the action live and direct. I need not tell you that abortions or any action(s) that may lead to an abortion would be highly forbidden! To crown my incentive, once a woman is pregnant, she will taken into custody and put on mandatory bed rest and 24-hour surveillance.

What say you?

So About This Sex Thing...

Sex Thing....

not

Sexting

*ahem* Just had to clarify that. You know how you can get.J

Are you ready for tomorrow? Are you ready to hear me, Ekene Agabu, NaijaBloke, and Nkechinyere battle it out about sex (to have it or not) on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

Again, I feel compelled to explain here: we will not be battling out if all four of us should have sex on Verastically Speakin - during the show. What I meant was --- it's a talk radio show, and during the show, we will talk about sex. You get? Great.

Have you participated in the poll? It's on the top right side bar. Thank you. I feel compelled to say a lot of things today. Right now, I feel compelled to ask: you do know that whatever you vote is anonymous, right? I have no way of knowing who you are or how you voted. Okay. That's all I'm going to say on that.

So the show is going to be on Saturday, October 10th 2009. Yeap, that's tomorrow.

To listen, go here: www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic

Time: 10am U.S. EST (3pm GMT / 3pm Nigerian time).

To call into the show: 1.646.929.1905

If you have comments/questions/suggestions: radio@verastic.com

Need to reach me via telephone before or after the show: 1.443.934.9039

Follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/verastic

Connect on Facebook: www.facebook.com/verastic

Verastically Speakin' Group on Facebook: Click HERE

Miss Jayla had another interesting Tweminar yesterday about tomorrow's show, but even more interesting is that she did the same poll (yes, the very same one here), but the difference in results between her poll and mine are staggering. You can view the poll HERE.

Alright folks.... bring it all on!!!

Sex, Sex, Sex!!!

Sex is such an interesting, diverse, and complicated topic. Although it's a three letter word, it's often treated as a four letter word. SEX. If my blog were a sex blog and I had to blog about sex everyday, I still would not run out of things to say about it. Sex goes beyond the positions taken and minutes spent while doing it. A critical question one should ask is: Should I even have sex?

In relationships (marriage excluded), sometimes, sex is included, other times, it isn't. It has continued to be a controversial topic: to have sex or not? When to have sex? With whom to have sex? What kind of sex to have? Where to have sex? Naturally, these are not the questions you ask mom's advise for.

I can just hear it now, "Mom, there's something I need your advise on. Mr. Shoes and I have been having a hard time deciding where to have sex. I think we should do it on the roof of the primary school at the end of the road, but he'd rather we hang from a chandelier. What do you think?"

If my mom is still the mom I have known for the past XX years, then I can expect the following (in no particular order): She'll throw her shoes at me; she'll throw her big bag with the heavy metal thing on me; she'll throw her long umbrella at me, pick it up, and beat me with it; she'll beat me with both of her hands all over my body; she'll slap my face, especially my mouth; she'll call me all sorts of names (idiot, anuofia [bush animal], ekwensu [devil], otolo gba gi [honestly, I still don't know the meaning of this insult. What is otolo?], bloody fool, bullshit [yes, she will call me a bullshit], onye ala [mad person] ... and the list goes on.

On that note, I won't have this discussion with mom - for two reasons:

1. Mom is one of those small but mighty people. She is more than able to do all that I have said she will probably do --- and much more.

2. Mr. Shoes and I do not have that dilemma. That's actually Funmie's dilemma. Don't tell her I wrote it here.

Why is all this even important? Three reasons.

1. Verastically Speakin' will be tackling sex within relationships on Saturday, October 10th 2009. And because of how fun it will be, we will dedicate two hours (instead of 1.5 hours) to it. The co-hosts are Ekene Agabu and NaijaBloke. If you do visit Bloke's blog, please tell him to update.

2. There is a poll on the top right side bar. Help us out.

3. We need a female co-host to balance it out. Inquire within AKA radio@verastic.com or 1.443.934.9039

P.S. "Sex within relationships" does not include marriage, one night stands, being friends with benefits, sex buddies, 'kicking it,' etc. It only applies to being in a committed relationship that happens to include sex.

Go HERE to set up your reminders. Once again, the show will air on Saturday, October 10th 2009 at 10:00 am U.S. EST time/ 3:00 pm GMT / 3:00 pm Nigerian time.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions about this show, send them ASAP [as in IMMEDIATELY] to radio@verastic.com

Parents Are So Cute!

What you don't know will not kill hurt you. I don't know how true that statement is. Well, I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's sometimes true. Maybe mostly true, but certainly not always true. Isn't it so cute how parents always think the best of their children and think that their big, grown up children are still their little, innocent babies?

In class the other day, somehow, we got to talking about one night stands. I have a Nigerian lady in my class - very sweet and wonderful - and she has been here [America] for about two or three decades, I believe. She's back to school to get another degree. More grease to her elbows. Anyway, she did not know what a one night stand is, so she inquired.

When told, she said, "Oh no, my child doesn't know what that is,"

Curious, I asked - because I was sure that this child is an actual child, bearing in mind the definition of child, "How old is your child?"

She said, with pride the size of the entire State of Texas, "He's 25,"

25?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well, there you have it. She thinks her 25 year old child does not know about one night stands. The better, perhaps wiser thing to do is ask: Is he back home yet from last night's one night stand?

......Or we could just stick to believing that he's a child.

In Other News....

*** Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will be resuming its regular schedule at 10:00am U.S. EST (3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time) on Saturday, September 26th 2009.

*** The scheduled shows and their co-hosts are up there. The first scheduled show [coming up on Saturday, Sept 26th] is about the career choices we [Nigerians/Africans] make. Co-hosting with me are Okechukwu Ofili and Iceberg Slim. There's a poll on the right sidebar. You know what to do ---- please --- with a cherry on top :)

*** Upcoming shows are on the left sidebar. I can only schedule shows one month ahead of time, but since people have been inquiring about future shows, I have also put up a list of twenty upcoming shows. They will not be coming up in that particular order, but at least, it gives you an idea.

*** Co-hosts are needed for all of those twenty shows. Yes, ALL OF THEM. So if you're thinking about being a co-host for any of them, now will be the time to let me know. radio@verastic.com 1-443-934-9039.

*** If you're on Twitter, here's an opportunity to have some fun. Every Thursday, Ms Jayla will host a Tweminar where she and other Twitters will Twit (tweet?) about the upcoming Verastically Speakin Talk Radio show. Follow Ms. Jalya & join the fun!!!

Any other question(s)? You know how to reach me. No flashes, please :)

Is It Still Fornication....

...If I imagine my HUSBAND making love to me (as opposed to just plain ol' imagination of some man that has not "made an honest woman out of me")? Walahi, I imagine this thing in my head all the time. I actually make a conscious effort to picture the ring on his finger because I need to convince God - and myself, of course - that I am not just .... what's the word? Fornicating!!! Yeah, isn't this called fornication of the mind?? Well, it's only fornication when you're imagining someone that isn't your husband. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I know what you're thinking: "But Vera, you're not married!" Ehen. If I'm not married nko? How is that one your business?? If you can dream it, you can be it. So I have been imagining myself married. Soon I will be married. As you all know, part of being married includes ehm... ehm... going to Jerusalem all willy nilly, so I have been picturing that also. Honestly, he has a ring in my mind. He's my husband in my mind.

If you're thinking the word I think you're thinking, then please stop it right this minute. I am NOT masturbating. I repeat: I AM NOT MASTURBATING!!!!!!!!! I am simply imagining what will be. What is so wrong about that? Doggone it! He has a wedding band on....and so do I. I need someone to just validate me and tell me that it's okay. Tell me I'm right. It might be in my head, but I think I hear God laughing right now. He just said, "This girl is straight trippin!'"

Lemme tell you how this "married love making" starts. It starts after the wedding, in the limo, on our way to the reception hall. With the bridesmaids in the car, we'll be all up on each other. Then my bridesmaids will get pissed and irritated, step out of the limo, and take a cab to the reception venue. Actually, it's a lot more fun in my imagination when they each mount an okada., hair flying in the air, and then all jacked up by the time they reach the reception hall ... tears in the eyes from the wind... maybe their dresses will get ripped too ..... but I digress. So when they get off the limo, hubby and I go to Jerusalem. Bingo!

Then at the reception hall, we have to change into our traditional outfits. We tell everyone to get the heck out of the room and give us some time to "talk." So yeah, we go to Jerusalem again. Thennnnnn after the reception, we continue wherever we spend the night. But see, the entire time, we're married. We have been pronounced husband and wife. This can't possibly be fornication of the mind, can't it??

Say it isn't so!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Tune in @ 10 AM U.S. Eastern time (3 PM Naija time) for the Verastically Speakin' Radio Show. www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic Set up reminders if you have to. See you there!!!!!!!!! *wink, wink* Please see the schedule of the show by the top right hand corner and contribute as you can. Thank you, darlings!

I'm off to imagine stuff.

Let's Talk About [Oral] Sex

I can just see the excitement on everyone's face.  You sex-deprived lot!  Consider this post a rejoinder to my post, Bless Me Father For I Have Kissed.  Now, in case no one noticed, the operative word in the title of that post was KISSED.  As in, we were supposed to be talking about the critical issue at hand aka my predicament: the taboo in kissing before marriage.  

I happened to mention (in one tiny little sentence) that it was also mentioned during the dinner/conference that oral sex between married couples is a sin.  Just because of that small sentence, everyone abandoned the issue @ hand (my predicament) to talk about why they must have oral sex when married...come rain, come shine.  Even Banky W commented.  Rumor has it that he was right in the middle of a concert when he heard Verastic Dot Com published a post saying that having oral sex with his future wife was a sin, so he quickly stopped the concert to come & comment.  Okay, I lie.  I am the sole starter and spreader of this rumor.   But it could have been true... no?

After eighty-seven comments, five truths have sufficed: 

1.  Una too love oral sex (you love oral sex too much)!!  

2.  You will all have first-class tickets to hell.

3.  You will be at the honeymoon suite in the penthouse of hell.

4.  I'm not going with you.

5.  I'm really, really, REALLY not going with you.

So a lot of people asked where it says in the bible that oral sex between married couples is perversion.  I have looked through the bible, and of course, I cannot find the following exact words (if that is what you are looking for):

"Thou shalt not suck on your neighbor's penis."  OR "Thou shalt not lick your neighbor's vagina."  No, those words are not there exactly.  However, the following words are there:

**  "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." (Lev 18:22)

**  "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it.  A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion." (Lev 18: 23)

**  "Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery..." (Romans 13:13)

** The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambiton, dissensions, factions of envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like..." (Galatians 5: 19-21)

These words are not mine obviously.  They are from my bible (Women of Faith Study Bible.  NIV).  ADifferentNaijaSpec, I hope these bible quotations have answered your question about what is considered a sin.  Direct any further questions to God.  LOL.  

Nice Anon asked, "Is feeling for the size of the thing considered or can it be counted as kissing too?  I ask because no one wants to end up with an Asian sized thing.  You know they are known for having peanut sized thing."

Ehm... Madam Nice Anon, I will go ahead and make an educated guess here: God will not approve of any feeling for the size of "the thing" before marriage.  LOL.  I might be wrong oh, but something just tells me there is no way to explain that to God.  Besides, how many Asian "things" does it take to prove your hypothesis?  Plenty!  So how many have you felt?  If your answer is "at least half of the Asian population," I'll give you my advise: stay away from the Asian men.  Ha ogodo nwoke aka ka ogodo nwoke ha gi (Leave men's trousers alone so that men's trousers will leave you) .... so says my mom.... and no, not to me!  That is what she used to tell our help, Nkechi.... right before Nkechi got pregnant.  It is safe to assume that Nkechi didn't listen, but anyway...

Per the comments I'm receiving, lemme clarify something up: The reason why "orgies" is in bold is because I mentioned it as a sin in my other post.  I put it in bold here as reinforcement.  The relationship between oral sex and animals?  Well, technically none.  But the conference I attended considers oral sex as perversion while the bible considers sex with animals as perversion.  It might help to read the first post, Bless Me Father For I Have Kissed.  Now that we have tackled this oral sex problem, can we get back to the issue of my kissing or lack-of-kissing  palaver?

P.S. For those that want to know who I have been kissing... send me a Range Rover Sport and we can talk.  But the most important thing is that My Kisser would prefer to be addressed as My Kisser (not my Kissee as someone/some people called him) because he initiated the kiss.  Hey, I'm just the messenger here.  *wink*  If you need clarification, direct your questions to him.  I'll be sure he gets them.

Your thoughts?

Oral Sex: To Do Or Not To Do???

Weird topic, I know. Interesting topic, I know that too.

Last week, I attended an African American group meeting where an interesting conversation ensued. As you should know by now, the topic is whether or not oral sex should be done/given. For the most part of the conversation, I sat laughing at what everyone else had to say. I never really said where I stood or did not stand. I just listened. And laughed.

Before I tell you what people had to say, let me tell you that this group consisted of Africans and African Americans; males and females, and also singles and married. So we were pretty much diverse - or at least diverse enough. Most people (let me say about 95%) said oral sex is an absolute necessity. The remaining 5% said it was not a necessity. One lady (who happens to be Nigerian) flat out said she will never give her husband oral sex (and she does not want to receive it either). She also added that her husband does not want it anyway....which brings me to another question...

How possible is this? Is it possible that some man somewhere does not like (to receive) oral sex? By the way, if it means anything to you, none of the men involved in this conversation said that oral sex is not a necessity. In fact, one of them (who also happens to be Nigerian) said that "any woman who is not willing to give her husband oral sex is planning her retirement package." He said that a man might say he does not 'want' or 'like' oral sex, but he'll only say that to respect his wife's wishes. However, once he cannot endure it anymore, he will seek alternatives.... i.e. a woman who is willing to do the deed.

So I'm really curious: how important is oral sex?