Those People Are Evil

Those people, they're evil. I mean Macy's. They're so evil.

They keep sending sales booklets here, and each one is a special sale. Sometimes, they even have the nerve to call it a secret sale, urging me to hurry and come buy up before everyone else does. And I wonder, how can it be secret if you've sent this thing out to thousands, maybe millions, of people?

I was there on Monday evening for the friends and family sale - whatever that might mean. I don't know what friend means to them. And I don't know of any family member who works there. Still, they were able to lure me. I ended up buying three pairs of jeans. Sure, they fit snuggly on me, like lotion on my skin, just the way I like them. And sure, I needed those jeans. But at what cost? 

When I left the store, I thought to myself, well, at least I got them on sale. Who knows when next they'll go on sale, those jeans. And then, on Wednesday, I received another sales booklet. This time, they're calling it a WOW! PASS. Come the heck on, man! How's a girl supposed to do anything else with all these sales? I've had to invoke the precious name of my Lord, Jesus, begged Him to help me resist the temptation of shopping. I can't fight this by myself, Lord. I just can't do it! So far, it doesn't look like Jesus is listening. Can't really blame Him. There's a war in Iraq. And in Afghanistan. And one may be brewing between North Korea and South Korea. Plus, millions are dying of hunger. My inability to stop craving new clothes probably isn't on His Urgent list. 


But as if that was not bad enough, I got even more sales booklets on Thursday. They're having more sales on jewelry, watches, perfumes, clothes, perfumes, shoes, and much more. It's been less than a week since I bought three pairs of jeans with my exclusive friends and family coupon, and now, I have three more sales booklets screaming my name. Maybe if I pretend that I can't see or hear them, they'll stop luring me.

And then, I began to wonder how nice it would be if someone - but who? - would be so kind as to bless me with a Macy's gift card. Oh, I'd love you forever. $2000 (or more) on a Macy's gift card. I don't want cash. My conscience would never let me blow $2000 cash on shopping for clothes and accessories, but if it's already on a gift card, then, I have no choice, do I?

There were warm coats, dazzling pieces of jewelries, hip-hugging skirts, show-stopping jeans, attention-grabbing tops, boss-lady bags ... you get the idea. And I wanted them all. I craved them. Desired them. Coveted them. Needed them. Touched them. Felt them. And in my mind, I owned them. Then I loathed Macy's for making me do them.

I still want the gift card. I'll love you forever and eternity, if you give me one. Just one.

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Of Course, You May Get Divorced

But....

You must refund my money! I have attended a lot of weddings. I am shocked and perplexed whenever someone tells me that he/she has never been to a wedding since they came to America donkey years ago. Each year, I attend at least three weddings.  Attending weddings can be expensive, depending on who the couple is and your participation level in the wedding. Let me break it down. The boxes represent the cost.

Category	Wedding outfit	Asoebi	Gift	Money to throw while they’re dancing	Misc.	Total
Going as part of the wedding party (bridesmaid/groomsman)
Going as a family member
Going as a close friend
Going strictly as a guest
Going as a guest’s guest

In case you did not notice, going as a guest's guest costs nothing --- unless you want it to. I have attended weddings as all of the above, and attending as part of the wedding party has been the most expensive for me. It's understandable. I'm not complaining (about the financial cost).

The problem is that the divorce/separation rate among Nigerians has been on a steady rise, and I take personal offense to it. Why? Because I spent my money to attend their wedding, damn it! I look left, right, and center, and people are getting divorced, separated, or being given eviction notices from their matrimonial homes.

Henceforth, I am stating publicly: If I attended your wedding and spent a dime for/at it, you may get divorced, but at the time of your divorce, I want a complete refund of all my money --- plus interest.  Gbam! Let no one say I did not say it.

*** In other news, Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio would be making a bold come-back on Saturday, September 18th at its usual time (10am U.S. Eastern/ 3pm Nigerian Time). We'll be talking about the Single Married Man. Mustapha will be co-hosting. Set your reminder.

*** In other, other news, I saw the movie Piranha yesterday, and I am now a firm believer that there does exist something more ferocious than the fury of a woman scorned. The way that man's penis was chewed and spat out, Lorena Bobbitt was just an appetizer. The preview is below.

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