Oh, Happy Day!!

April fourth = Dad's birthday.

This April 4th period wasn't different from the April 4th period last year.  On Friday, April 2nd, mom and dad argued about dad's birthday.

Mom: Your birthday is even coming up sef.

Dad: Whose birthday?

Mom: Yours

Dad: Oh, yes! It's today

Mom: No, it's on the 4th.

Dad: No, it's today.

Mom: Noooo, your birthday is on the 4th of April.

Dad: Oohhh, you're right.  It's on the 4th oh!

Every year, we go through this.  The man never remembers his birthday.  I'm starting to believe that he doesn't even know how old he is.  How does one forget his own birthday?  Mine is on the 14th of January.  From the 15th of January, I am already planning all the gifts I intend to receive for the next birthday.  This year, I don't have a long post like I did last year. 

Happy birthday, daddy.  I love you more than I can ever tell or show.  I thank God for His obvious hands on your life.  I thank God for preserving you till today, and I pray He continues to preserve you and that He blesses you with health, long life, and prosperity.  Amen.

Happy Easter everyone.  Christ is risen.

Four Days After Getting Older

This post is about forty hours late.  If you're going to accuse me - like the Twitters did - of disappearing off the face of the world wide web because Mr. Shoes kidnapped me for my birthday, then well, I cannot confirm or deny that accusation.  I still feel pretty brand new in my new age.  And, of course, as far as I'm concerned, it's still my birthday.  For those that are concerned about late gifts, please fear not, for I will be accepting gifts till January 13th 2011.  My birthday was a quiet one --- just like me.  At this time, I demand that all comments not in favor of me being a quiet person should cease and desist!

Thank you so very, very much to everyone who called, sent a text, e-mailed, wrote on my facebook wall, tweeted, and/or left a comment on my blog.  Thank you to the church folks and family members that serenaded my life with prayers.  And of course, thank you to my friends and family, who, in spite of the difficult economy, still spent their money buying me gifts.  I am especially grateful to these bloggers and e-friends:

To ChinnyN who sent me my peep toe booties.

To Rita who sent me Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe

To Myne Whitman who pleasantly surprised me with an autographed copy of her book, A Heart To Mend (which can be purchased here, by the way).

To Gabriel who sent me the beautiful necklace.

To 36 Inches of Brown Legs who sent me two books from my wish list.

I am extremely tempted at this time to mention what my close friends did and did not do.  I am tempted to list everyone's name and what they gave me and/or did for me .  I am even more tempted to mention Mr. Shoes and what he did, but I promised myself that nowhere in this post will the words 'Mr. Shoes' appear. I might be wrong, but I think I have failed woefully.

But best and most of all, I am thankful to God who has given me the best birthday gifts of all: life, health, faith, favor, grace, and blessings.

That said, I feel compelled to warn Funmie and Ibukun that failure to present me with birthday gifts soon will mean the termination of this oh-so-great friendship we have.  Speaking of Ibukun, this is the cake she bought me (and no, it does not count as a birthday gift).  I could not take a picture of the entire inscription in one shot, but just in case you don't get it, it reads, 'PAIN IN THE ASS'  So you see how they treat me???

If you have read this and now feel a little guilty for not sending me a gift, despair not, for I will be accepting gifts till January, 13th 2011.  And, of course, there are lots and lots of gifts for you to choose from.  Take a look here.

But before you do, please vote on this week's poll.

Officially Older - It's My Birthday

Once again, I have officially gotten older.  The signs are blinding.  My face is smoother.  My skin is nicer.    My lips are softer.  My breasts are perkier.  Aaah.  The look of old age.

There's a certain kind of mmph that 2010 has come with.  My words must sound like a cliche, so I won't dwell too much on it - the mmph.  We'll revisit this mmph on or by January 14th, 2011, God-willing.  There is also a certain kind of gratefulness and gratitude I am compelled to express to God, but I cannot quite fathom the words to do so.  I don't remember feeling this grateful and hopeful on my birthday last year.  Maybe it's all the Snickers bars I've been eating.  But I really doubt it.  It's God.

I started receiving text messages, Facebook e-mails, and Facebook wall notes since four days ago.  At first, I speculated that maybe there are parts of the world that are three to four days ahead of the part of the world I live.  I have since concluded that this isn't true, and that people are in fact sending me messages in advance because, well, I am a very nice person.  What more could it be?  Some may argue that it has something to do with me harassing people with my birthday wish list, but seriously, what do they know?

To prove my point, Tigeress just sent me a text to wish me a happy birthday, and in it, she addressed me as "Sweetie."  Now, if this isn't a proof of my niceness, and of her love for me, of course, tell me what is?

On that note, I'll be leaving you with a stern reminder of my birthday wish list.  Lots of gifts are still available for your buying and gifting pleasure.  In an earlier post, I promised to trade in Funmie and/or Busola for my number one (1) and.or two (2) gift.  Well, you're in luck!  Act now (as in, buy me a gift right now), and you'll also get Busola's husband and son FOR FREE!!!  But that's not all!  As a bonus, I'll also throw in my friend, Deola.  What can I say?  I'm generous.

So off I go.

You're welcome to contact me through any (and all) of the following means:

Cell phone: 1.443.934.9039 (calls and texts)

E-mail: vera@verastic.com

Facebook: Facebook.com/verastic

Twitter: Twitter.com/verastic

Blogger: Leave comments here.

In Preparation For Getting Older

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'll officially be plus one.

I feel --- I feel --- I feel ---

I don't know how I feel.  In about twenty-four hours, I will know.

I can't believe I'll be getting older.  Only yesterday, I was fifteen.  I still look fifteen.  Well, that's what I like to tell myself.

So, yes, tomorrow, I'll officially be plus one.

And I'll be accepting gifts.  Lots and lots of it.  My wish list is still very active.

So, of course, you're very welcome to send me something.

In the interest of peace, I advise that you should.

If it sounds like I'm begging for gifts, you're probably hearing things because Vera Ezimora would never, ever solicit for gifts.

Except this one time --- and all the other past times.

And, all the other times that are yet to come.

So there.

And, of course, I'll update tomorrow.

I dare not leave you hanging.

On The First Day Of 2010

My readers, friends, and family asked of me, "What do you want for your birthday?"

Oh, come on!  You knew the day was coming; you knew I couldn't celebrate my birthday without giving you the list, the birthday list, the one you have been secretly, unconsciously dying to have.  Yes, that list.  In my usual manner, I have taken the pain to put this oh-so-verastic list together.  You're going to love it!  You're going to be eager to just buy, buy, buy.  Of course, I'll gladly let you buy me more than one gift.  Unlike last year's gift list, this one is not full of perfumes.  I think that's what happens when you grow up.

The List:

*** Update: Number 21 has been purchased.
*** Update: Number 10 has been purchased.
*** Update: Number 9 has been purchased.
*** Update: Number 17 has been purchased.

1.  The Nikon D90.  Ever since I saw Ashton Kutcher in the commercial, I have wanted needed this camera.  Oh, I can only imagine the kind of chemistry we would have.  12.9 megapixels of beauty.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

2.  Toyota Rav-4: It was a tough decision, but I decided to only add the Rav-4 to my birthday wish list this year. With the state of the economy, I thought it'd be rather insensitive to ask for a Range Rover.  I'm quite understanding, I know.  Picture courtesy of Toyota dot com.

3.  Motorola Cliq phone (in the winter white color): Both of my phones are a sorry sight.  My blackberry has gotten so bad that it now deletes my call records and text messages.  It's so old that instead of Blackberry, it now reads Blacky.  Picture courtesy of T-Mobile.

4.  Blackberry Bold 9700: I use two phones; they're both equally pathetic.  Trust me.  They're pathetic.  So, this Blackberry will replace my second phone.  Picture courtesy of T-Mobile.

5.  Sony Cyber Shot:: Why do I need this?  Because the camera I own is a D-SLR, so I can't just throw it into my purse and go anywhere I want to.  Sometimes, I'm somewhere and I want to take a picture for the blog, but there's no camera - except the phone camera, and well, I'd rather not use the phone camera to take pictures for my blog.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

6.  Sony Reader - Touch Edition: I have tried not to cave into this new technology; I have tried to keep doing the paper thing, but goodness, this is so much lighter.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy

7.  Kindle Wireless Reading Device (From Amazon): I actually prefer this one.  But, of course, I'm totally understanding and flexible. I'll gladly take either the Kindle or the Sony Reader - not both - but I do prefer the Amazon Kindle.  Unless you insist, of course, but please don't.  One is fine, really. Picture courtesy of Amazon.

8.  An external hard drive - 500 GB (Toshiba).  Considering how much I write, it is a shame that I do not own an external hard drive.  Yes, that means that nothing - absolutely nothing - is backed up.  So, if Nwoke Ocha were to decide to pack up right now, that would be it for me.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

9.  Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe: Believe it or not, I have never, ever read this book.  Sure, I know the story, but that's just because I watched the movie (with Pete Edochie starring as Okonkwo), and of course, many are the things that have been said about this great novel --- and the one who wrote it.  So now, I want it for myself.  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

10.  The Lion And The Jewel by Wole Soyinka: Nope, have not read this either.  *sigh*  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

11.  Cuff Down Ankle Boots from Bakers: These Western boots are made for walking.  I want to walk in them!  Who is buying?  I wear a size 9, BUT let's be safe and go with a 10.  Picture courtesy of Bakers Shoes.

12.  These peep-toe pumps: I don't know this obsession I have with peep toe shoes, but it's gotta stop.  Okay, it doesn't have to stop right now.  I just love them.  What else is there to say?

13.  I want to carry this bag.  Enough said.  Courtesy of Macy's.

14.  Liz Claiborne Marietta sunglasses: Simple.  Not too flashy.  Me likes.  Picture courtesy of Macy's.

15.  A/X Armani Exchange Sunglasses: I love, love, LOVE these glasses.  I love them better than the previous one (number 14).  I can just imagine myself on a hot summer day.  HAWT!  Picture courtesy of Macy's

16.  Efuru by Flora Nwapa.  This, too, is another book that I need to read.  So who wants to help mama?  Mama being me, of course.  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

17.  That Devil's No Friend Of Mine by J. D. Mason.  I love J. D. Mason.  I think she's a brilliant writer.  I don't remember the name of the first book I read from her, but I loved it.  I have loved everything from her since then.  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

18.  Be Careful What You Pray For by Kimberla Lawson Roby: I love her books, too.  It's usually dramatic and family oriented, the kind of stuff that happens to regular people.  It's almost like a Nigerian movie, and by that, I'm referring to the good Nigerian movie, not the ones that insult our intelligence.  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

19.  God Only Knows by Xavier Knight. I have never read anything from this author, but something about the name of the book, and even the name of the author just makes me want to grab it and read it right now.  Picture courtesy of Amazon.

20.  Elaine boots from Baker's Shoes.  I really, really like them.  No, seriously, I like them.  Size 10, please.  Goodness.  I'll look so hot in them.  Don't you think?  Picture courtesy of Baker's Shoes.

21.  Caden peep toe boots from Baker's Shoes.  I have admired these boots from afar, and I have thought to myself, "Why would I need peep toe boots?"  But recently, I saw a pair of peep toe boots that I just couldn't stop looking at.  Hence, my new love for the peep toe booties.  Picture courtesy of Baker's Shoes.

22.  Lancome Teint Idole Ultra foundation.  I've been using this foundation since Lancome jazzed me in 2008.  After I bought their ridiculously expensive eye pencil, I took it back and bought this foundation instead.  It's been love ever since.  Well, I need a new one.  I need it in the Suède 1 (N) color (not to be confused with the Suede On color).  In the picture below, I highlighted the color, and by the left, where you'll select the color, my color is the one with the highlighted (yellow) frame (the last one on the leftest column).  Picture courtesy of Macy's.

23.  Nintendo Wii.  I don't remember if I had this on my wish list last year, but I know I've been wanting this for quite a while.  Well, here's your chance to do me good :-)  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

24.  Sony - Xplod 52W x 4 Apple: The CD player in my car is crappy.  It's way too sensitive for my liking, but that's only the beginning of the problem.  It goes off right in the middle of the song, and I think it does it on purpose too, because it always waits till the song gets to my favorite part ... and then pffft.  It's off.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

25.  Sony Handycam camcorder: Wouldn't it be nice, if I could serenade you with videos??  Exactly!  So this is where and how this camcorder comes into play.  Picture courtesy of Best Buy.

26.  If you feel like none of these is expensive enough, I'll gladly welcome the cash you would have spent on a gift.



**** List will continuously be updated till June 30th 2010.  On June 30th 2010, the new birthday wish list (for 2011) will start being compiled.  Happy buying.

Happy New Year .... once again.

Oh, how could I forget?!  You need my address!

P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America.

18th Of November?? Really???

The other day, I was talking to Baroka aka K Travula on the phone, and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. That was when it struck me: my birthday is in two months time! I don't remember ever being asked what I want for my birthday and not having an answer. This just goes to show one thing:

• 2009 has moved along wayyyyyyyy too quickly. I've barely had time to enjoy being XX.

On that note, I will now go and work on my Christmas [December], birthday [January], Valentine [February], and just-because [March - November] gifts. It's imperative that God and everyone else know what I want. Yes? Yes!

That said, I should bring you in on the few remaining shows on Verastically Speakin this year. I'm quite excited about them - especially the last one. The schedule is on the left sidebar, so I won't reiterate everything here.

However, I just need to point out that on Saturday, December 5th 2009, we'll be talking about Christmas gifts (what to give, how to give, whom to give...), so I need ideas and sponsors. If you own a business and would love to pitch in and offer discounts, please let me know. If you have ideas about how to give or what to give, let me know too >> radio@verastic.com 1.443.934.9039

On Saturday, December 12th 2009, we'll be talking about travelling to Nigeria. This is going to be one funny show. What do you pack when you're going to Nigeria? How do you pack? What do you expect? Mosquitoes? Heat? Endless supply of suya? Limitless sponsorship by fine, rich men? *cough* Maybe this last one is just me then. I'll be co-hosting with Rosie. Interestingly, she doesn't know it yet. If she reads this post, this would be her first time finding out. Hehehe.

On Saturday, December 19th 2009, we'll be having the FINAL show for the year. And this is the funnest one of them all, I think. It's called Randomisity. And that is exactly what it would be: random. I have a few co-hosts lined up. They're looking forward to it, I believe. I'll know their exact feelings once I actually tell them that they're co-hosting. Callers will have 5 minutes - and 5 minutes ONLY - to call in and talk with us about anything. People in the chat room are welcome to suggest things too. If you have something you want us to discuss for five minutes on that day, but won't be able to call in, e-mail it now radio@verastic.com I don't know the volume of topics we'll be getting, so we'll do them on a first-come, first-serve basis. In other words, the sooner you send your topics, the better. And for the callers, the sooner you call in, the better too.

Now, I must return to thinking about my gifts. Very, very, very important stuff!

P.S. There's a new poll [on the right sidebar] for the upcoming show - When To Let Go & When To Hold On - co-hosted by Funmie and Reverence.

I feel sorry for Reverence. On my last post, she had this to say about Funmie,

"She does not look as scary as she sounds on the show. Sometimes I am almost scared for the life of the people that disagree with her...."

Anyone else looking forward to this collaboration as much as I am? Go vote!!!

Pardon Me

I might have misled you a bit. Just a bit. Remember when I told you that I was just 21 a little while ago? Yes, yes... I mean when I nagged about age creeping up on me... yes, that day. Well, I also blogged about my upcoming birthday - a day I love by the way - but obviously, a new birthday means a new age. A bigger age.

The point is ... while I was typing away about my upcoming birthday, I may have given the impression that said birthday is in a few days - or at least a few weeks. Did I forget to mention that my birthday is actually on January 14th? Silly me! I have to say that this is the first time I have started receiving birthday wishes from August! Tobenna even wished me a happy birthday in arrears. Nawa o! It's either I have misled you or you all are an enthusiastic lot! Yeap.... definitely enthusiastic :=)

Speaking of birthdays, how can I conclude this post without wishing our very own Nefertiti a very big happy birthday!!!! Neffie, it's 12:00 sharp. Technically, I am the first to say happy birthday. You never said I had to be the first to say it over the phone. So happy birthday once again. I have not forgiven you for having a baby before you even told us - your blog family - that you were pregnant, but that's by the way. I'll try not to mention it today. Wairraminute!! Did Neffie close down her blog, or is blogger on crack this midnight?! Neffie, if you've closed down your blog, then I retract this happy birthday parahraph I just dedicated to you.

Now, I know you're all worried about what gifts to buy me for my birthday - yes, I know you want to get a headstart on it, but I assure you that I am working very hard on a list that will suit you and I very well. Despair not. I will not pick anything too cheap. I know how you just hate, hate, HATE it when I do that. It's just that sometimes I cannot help but be considerate. :-) Oh, well. Some people are just made to be nice i.e. me.

I finally got Nwoke Ocha back (on the 31st of August). For those that are confused, he's my laptop. His keyboard - amongst a few other things - was replaced. It turns out I've been doing a lot of typing. Me? Noooo!!! I only update my blog every three days, tweet everyday, facebook every day, write and reply e-mails every day, do some writing most days, reply comments on my blog most days too. That's not a lot of typing, is it? I bought Nwoke Ocha in October. It's amazing that between October 2008 and August 2009, I have damaged his keyboard. Nawa o. Perhaps, I need a laptop with a heavy duty keyboard. Ideas, anyone?

Please, please, please... help me welcome Rosie to Blogville. She was one of my co-hosts for the 'Female, Accomplished, Over 30, and Single' show, and she has joined us on Blogville. Yay!! Go over there and make her feel welcome. I said make her feel welcome. I didn't say chase her away with you kolomentality.

I Was Just 21

Is it just me, or does a woman's age begin to speed like light once she reaches the age of 21. Once upon a time, I could not wait to turn 21. 21, to me, was the real legal age. The problem with turning 21 is that 22 immediately follows - and then 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 ... 114... and before you know it, you're wondering where all the time went. I feel like I just blogged about my birthday. Yet, as it is now, another birthday will soon be upon me.

Today is the last day of August. I do not know about everyone else, but the 1st of September, for me, marks the beginning of the end of the year. And the end of the year marks the beginning of a New Calendar Year and a New Birth Year for me.

At this point, I am very well aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind right now, and trust me, I am just as worried. What on earth are you going to give me for my birthday?!?! Ah, I don't quite know myself. This gift-receiving thing gets more difficult each year. Let's not forget what happens exactly one month after my birthday - Valentine's Day!! (February 14th). A shy smile creeps up on my face each time I think of this year's Valentine. But I digress...

I really was just 21 a little while ago - or so it seems. Now, the memory of being 21 is so distant. I don't even remember what I did for my 21st birthday. On another note, the people at Best Buy said Nwoke Ocha will be ready today. I'm not going to wait for them to call me. I'll just go there by myself and demand to see my boo, and he better be doing great. Can't wait to rub my fingers all over him.

Dear Mr. Shoes

Happy birthday.

This is the first post of its kind on my blog, so I'm not even quite sure where or how to start. But I have to start somehow and somewhere, right? Well, first and foremost, I am grateful to God for letting you see this day. Not everyone has lived to be XX. But you, my dear, by the favor and grace of God, you are alive and well today.

As you celebrate this day, I pray that you are blessed and favored with everything you have ever wanted. May you be blessed like Isaac. He sowed in the time famine and reaped a hundred folds. May you be blessed like Jacob. He held unto the Lord and the Lord blessed him. May you be blessed like Joseph. In spite of being betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers, he rose above them - literally.

Permit me to switch from talking to you to talking about you...

I am very grateful to God for granting me the opportunity to know Mr. Shoes (although it's his pleasure, of course). What started as a uhm.... has blossomed into a uhm... I don't even know what words to use here. Per the blessings above, did anyone notice that all the blessings were culled from people in the book of Genesis? That's because I just started reading my bible from the beginning again, and I am still on Genesis. To be more precise, I am still reading about Joseph in fact. Did anyone else cry when Portiphar put him in jail for a crime he did not commit? But I digress...

I want to list character traits about Mr. Shoes, but I feel like I'll be talking writing too much. I want to put up a picture of him, but.... who am I kidding? I don't wanna put up a picture of him. What I want to do is get my butt into bed. No, no... Mr. Shoes isn't on the bed. But before I go to bed, here are a few more wishes for Mr. Shoes.

• I wish for him to be prosperous in everything he does. I wish for him to be very rich, so he can buy me all the suya I want.
• I wish for Mr. Shoes to have long life and prosperity.
• I wish for Mr. Shoes to never be far away from me.
• Last but not least, I wish for Mr. Shoes to be extremely addicted to me, the kind of addiction that can never and will never have a cure. Oh, the possibilities!!!

Mr. Shoes... I wish you the happiest birthday ever. I understand that this birthday is not exactly what you were hoping for, but you're alive and well, and that should count for a lot. So have a very happy birthday!

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Today is my daddy's birthday.

I want to type a long poetic, literary post, full of twists and turns, full of enigmatic sentences that have conspicuous meanings.  What an oxymoron, I know.  I want to write an epistle about my daddy and talk about how he is a tall Iroko tree in the forest, but you see, daddy isn't tall.... or slender.  He's about 5'10, I suppose.  And he has a belly that has been pregnant for as long as I can remember.  Rumor (aka my mother) has it that the pregnancy is as a result of the bottles of Gulder he used to down.  Who knows really?  Daddy swears he doesn't have a big tummy.  He must see Will Smith's abs when he looks @ himself in the mirror.  But who am I to judge?

I haven't said happy birthday to him yet, but when I do, I know how the conversation will go.  It's the same thing each year.

 

Me: Happy birthday, dad!

 

Dad: *Surprised* Oh, nne, you're right oo!  Today is April 4th.  I almost forgot.

 

Me: You didn't almost forget.  You forgot.

 

Dad: Well...

 

Me: Well, nothing.  Happy birthday.  (I'd like to seal it with a kiss on his shiny head, a place where hair once used to reside.  It is now smoother than his face, and there is no evidence (other than old pictures) that hair once grew there.  No evidence that that once used to be a fertile ground.  Oh, baldness, what have you done to my daddy?  On the positive side, when the sun shines on that part of his head, it beams.  You should see it after I rub vaseline on it.  It's as clear as a mirror, I tell you.)

 

Yeap.  That's pretty much how the conversation will go.  He forgets his birthday every year.  I don't know what kind of person forgets his own birthday.  I look very much like my dad, and in some ways we are alike, but when it comes to birthdays and dates in general, we couldn't be more different.  I take my birthday very seriously; how can I ever forget January 14th?  I am even thinking about how to make January 14th a global holiday.  Apart from January 14th, I spend every other day of the year thinking about January 14th.  But this post shouldn't be about me...

So here's to wishing my daddy - father of Vera & husband of Mama Vera - a very, very happy birthday.

* Sometimes I think my father chose the wrong profession (medicine); maybe he should have been a comedian instead.  He really is a very funny man.  Besides, being a comedian would have saved my butt countless unwaranted and unwanted injections.  Yes, I may have been ill, but I would have gladly swallowed - even chewed - a carton of pills before taking one injection.

* My daddy, the one and only Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo of my life.  Per the title, funny enough, he's never killed a cow oo... at least none that I know of.  I remember plenty of goats - especially that one goat that escaped from my compound.  Dad was really vexed.  We were supposed to use that goat for Easter.  But who can blame the goat?  I'd have run too if I were him.  Funniest part was when we went to the nearby market to look for the goat.  Of course, it wasn't hard spotting our brown goat - amongst thousands of other brown goats.  Dad tried to guess our goat by looking at the eyes of the goats in the market.  Apparently, our goat would have recognized him; it would have been obvious in the goat's eyes.  Yeah, sure!  Needless to say, we went without a goat that Easter.  That was his punishment to us for losing his goat.  I couldn't have cared less.  I hated goat meat.

* My father, the man who farts out loud and forces us to hail him, "Ogbuefi Nnanyelugo!!"  The loudness of the fart wasn't even the problem for me; it could have been confused as the sound effect of a loud pot of boiling soup (some loud soup it woulda been though).  The problem was the stench of the fart.  I don't know what that man ate, but it was doing him something wicked.

* My father, the man who gets confused when he's talking to his employees and speaks all the languages in one sentence: English, Igbo, Hausa, & Russian.  The look on the employee's face is always priceless.

* My father, the man who ruined my chance to go home for one weekend when I was in boarding school.  I told him to come and talk to my Principal, a very strict Reverend Sister.  Dad was supposed to be meek and friendly.  Instead, when Sister Mary Patrick hinted hesitation in letting me leave for the weekend, dad told her she was very pompous and that it wasn't a very good look on a woman.  I obviously never did get to go home that weekend.

* My father, the man who comes home on Saturday night, heads straight for the kitchen, steals a big piece of meat, goes back to the bedroom, eats it and hides the bones under the bed.  When asked if he ate a piece of meat, he denies it squarly.  Never mind the obvious shiny lips he has and even the drop of oil stain on his shirt.  Pray, do tell, where did the oil come from?  It's a wonder we never had rats - considering all the meat bones that were under the bed.

* My father, the man who proudly sucked his mother's breast until she died.  She died after I was born, so she wasn't young.  He must have been sucking powdered milk.  If one needs a 'human subject" to study for the "effects of sucking mother's breast till she becomes a grandmother," I think my daddy would be a perfect candidate.

* My father, the only man I know of who puts his bread & egg in the freezer because it's too hot.  How hot can bread be?

Oh, happy birthday, daddy!!  May God continue to keep you alive and well.  May you never lose your sense of humor.   May you change from your mischievous ways of making us smell your fart.  Seriously... so not cool.  May you continue to be you (yes, I realize it means you'll continue farting for our inhaling pleasure).  Yippee ... aren't we lucky?  *rolling eyes*

January 14th Has Come & Gone...

...But the celebration continues. I am so flabberwhelmed and overgasted by all the love I received on my birthday that I have decided to extend my birthday till January 31st. Plus, some gifts are yet to arrive. So don't feel bad if you have not sent me a gift. I'm still receiving them...out of the goodness of my heart oo! :)

So what did I do on my birthday? Nothing much really. Oh, I did stay on facebook for a very, VERY long time (but I'll go into details later). In the evening, Funmi came to my house with my ice cream cake. Yummy. I took only a bite of it because she was taking me to go see a movie. Before we went to see the movie, I realized that our fridge was not working, so I had to pack everything from the fridge and the small freezer into the deep freezer. Whether the fridge was working or not, I would still have had to leave my ice cream cake in the freezer...as per ice cream being in it and everything.

Funmi took me to go see Bride Wars, a comedy. We liked it. Before we went, she said she had to stop by JCPenny. I didn't want us to stop there because we were going to miss the previews of the movie, and I love watching previews, but home girl insisted, saying JCPenny was opposite the theatre anyway, so I succumed and went with her. It was when we got into the store that she said, "We're here to get your perfume, so you might wanna hurry up." Ah, you shoulda seen me! I was like a kid in a candy store. After sniffing almost all the perfumes there, I ended up getting Insolence by Guerlain. It's not on my list, but it is sooooo sexy. Can't wait to use it. And it's even the gift set sef. Yippy! If you are about to ask me the point of wearing a sexy perfume since I don't have a man, then lemme tell you to shut up in advance. lol.

After the movie, Funmi took me to Cold Stone. They make the baddest ice cream ever. Don't remember the name of the flavor we got, but it was heavenly. I thought we had died and gone to ice cream heaven. The funny thing is that it was freezing that night and as we were eating the ice cream, we were shivering. Yet we persisted. True Nigerians! lol. Then we came back to my place...... okay, this story is starting to sound really weird. Let me clarify that Funmi is a girl and we are not romantically involved. LOL. Busola couldn't come because she just gave birth and she's doing that silly thing where you don't leave the house for 40 days. Psshhhtttt! Whatever. When I born my pikins, the only thing that will stop me from leaving the house is lack of strength...and heat. I don't do heat.

From Tuesday the 13th, I began to receive phone calls, texts, emails, and facebook wall notes. Last year, I never got to thank people for writing on my facebook wall, so this year, I was determined to change that. I embarked on a journey of individually replying everyone's facebook wall note. I am still not done. I'm proud of myself for doing it, but I will not attempt this again. I was beginning to steam from both ears. So many emails have not been responded to; they have not even been read, but be rest assured that I will get to them all. I must finish what I started.

Facebook wall posts were 321. My responses were over 300. I tried to count the responses, but I got confused toward the end and I quit. I don't know how many calls, texts, and emails I received, but it was really, really nice speaking to bloggers and non bloggers alike. An anonymous person left a comment on my previous post and threatened to post my picture. The said anonymous person later called me. She really does have my picture, but we have never met. We have resolved the issue: I will attend a party she's throwing. LOL. If I have not replied your email, I'm sorry. I'll get to it. I think I replied all the texts. If I did not reply yours, please let me know oo.

Someone very, very nice sent me a perfume all the way from Georgia. No2 De Makari. It's not on my list, but I'm loving it. I'm starting to think I should stop this list thing seeing as I love the gifts that are not even on the list. My mother gave me a giftcard from Macy's. Does anyone else hear a perfume in Macy's calling my name? I need to make some calls to remind (more like harass) a few people for my gift. I don't play!

Oh, by the way...you will not believe what happened to the cake Funmi got me. I didn't eat it on my birthday because I had already eaten ice cream from Cold Stone. On Thursday, I was speeding back from church, mouth watering to come eat my cake, but alas.... it had melted. Yes, melted!! Remember I told you the fridge wasn't working, so I moved everything into the freezer? Well, the technicians came and fixed the fridge while I was away, so mom moved everything - including my ice cream cake that was supposed to remain in the freezer - into the fridge. But then she thought about it, "Why don't I leave this cake on the counter instead? That way, it will defrost faster and Vera will be able to eat it when she gets back. I bet she'll be happy!" Well, happy, I was NOT! Three-quarter of my cake melted away. My mother said she was shocked when she came out of her bedroom hours later and found a pool of cake on the floor.

I could not cry. All I have been telling myself is, "Well, I could always go back to Cold Stone..."

On The 14th Day Of January....

....The doctor said to my mom, "Push!" Actually, this isn't true for two reasons:

i. Mom had me thru C-Section. They never told her to push me out because when she had my older brother three years before me, she also had him thru C-Section. In Russia, once you have a child through C-Section, all the children that follow thereafter must also be had through C-Section - whether you can push or not. That was the law then. It mighta changed now.

ii. I was born in Russia....where they speak Russian. Even if the doctor had told her to push, he/she would have said "Push" in Russian. I'm sure the Russians have a word for that in their language. Heck if I know.

So before you go judging me, it wasn't my fault that I was born thru C-Section. It obviously wasn't because my head was too big to pass thru the birth canal. I was never given the chance to. What can I say? Right from birth, there were certain parts of the female anatomy I did not want to have ultra-close contact with - unless they belonged to me.

Soooo it's my birthday today! Woulda written a long post thanking God for His grace and goodness in my life, but I decided to tell Him privately. Every couple needs their privacy, you know? Yes, I'm insinuating that God is my Man. Anyway, in case you're wondering, I have no plans for today - other than being pampered by anyone and everyone - including God....and you, of course.

Sooooo......

*** Call if you wanna. If I don't pick up, call again. I'll like to talk to you.
*** Text if you wanna.... I'll reply for sure.
*** E-mail if you wanna... I'll reply that too.

But most importantly, put my gift in the mail, or else, I will show you my true colors. No try me ooo! Boy, I cannot wait to eat my birthday cake which Funmi will be buying me. It is tradition that she buys me cake. I think I need to call her and ask her to add ice cream to the list. Cake & ice cream.... yummy!!!

See you on Saturday, Jan 17th. Wish I could say I would return on Saturday as a different person (as per since I'm now a year older), but the koko of the matter is that I will continue to be as mischievous as I've always been. If the chance presents itself, I would definitely drug Funmi's milk with Busola's breast milk again. And if I meet Wes/Lee/Gbenga, I shall oblige him and then blog about it. Why shall I shy??? After all, I'm officially XX years old now. What else do people my age do?? I dunno. I have 365 days to explore. Stay tuned.

Three More Days...!!!

I know you did not think I was done talking about my birthday. Heck no!!! Today is the 11th. I have three more days before I officially turn plus one. Yay!! So let the gifts begin to arrive!! I'm only reminding you because I care about you oh. I don't want you to have to do rush delivery. But in the event that your gift cannot get to me before the 14th, please do not despair. I receive late gifts @ no extra nagging to you. Yes, I know I'm sweet. You don't have 2 say it.

The 14th of January is the most important day of the year. The earth will stand still. The moon and the sun will come out together and struggle for sky space, but none will win. The stars instead will shine from dusk till dawn, and they will hang down from the sky like chandeliers. As if I were standing under a mistletoe, I will receive a kiss every time I stand under a star. I guess I should expect a gazillion kisses that day. Baba God will grant me all my heart desires. It will be the beginning of a new life for me - my XXth year on earth. If you're wondering who I will be kissing under the stars, my answer is God will provide!

I do not have much to say today. I would only like to repost (for the benefit of those who have not read it and those who have forgotten or claim to have forgotten) my birthday wish list. And my address, of course. If you are torn between two gifts or more and cannot decide which one to get me, please get them all. That's the only logical thing to do. I'm only suggesting this for your own good - of course.

1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).

2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)

3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)

4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).

6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)

8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome

9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. A gift card from DSW. (I'm craving shoes.)

18. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

I know what you're thinking: goodness, Vera, you're so cheap. Is that all you want??? Whatever happened to aiming high for bigger, better, bolder things....like a newly built, fully furnished house in an upscale neighborhood? Well, what can I say? I'm so modest.

Oh, before I forget, here's the mailing address which I'm sure you're all just itching you have:

Vera Ezimora
P. O. BOX 7893
ESSEX, MD 21221
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

See you on Wednesday - my birthday. Yay!!!

Feliz Navidad!!!

***Vera singing***


"I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad...."


While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY - JANUARY 14TH!!!


So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn't gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, "If Jesus could do it, then why not me?"


So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy's womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me - like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down - with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have - whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.


There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It's a miracle I don't care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn't take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn't apologized for that. I wonder if it's too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress...


On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you - complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.


1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).


2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)


3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)


4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).


6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)


8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome


9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

My dear people, though my birthday isn't till next month, I have currently started accepting gifts due to the rush. For your sake (I know you wouldn't want your gift(s) to be late), I advice that you send your gifts ASAP....in order to avoid the rush, of course.

***Merry Christmas!!!*** I'll see you on the 28th of Dec 2008. I have some good news. But meanwhile, please enjoy my new note: Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender