Styling & Profiling: Funmie

I talk about Funmie a lot here. Funmie this. Funmie that. By the way, she's the one who insists that her name be spelled with an e - Funmie instead of Funmi. She thinks it's special that way. I guess it is. I'm styling and profiling her because I realize that each time I mention her name, I don't have any single post to link her name to. For first time readers, they might want to know who the heck Funmie is and why her name appears so many times on Verastic dot com.

I met Funmie in 2002. Since then, it's seemed like we have gotten closer by the minute. We have a lot in common. Too many sad, unfortunate things in common. But it has helped build our character. Of course, there are also those moments that we think or say the same thing at the same time. Spooky. I'm trying hard not to make her big head swell - the head is really big already - but this babe is more than words can say. She's so giving, so generous, so nice, and so flippin' annoying because of that. I hate that she can be so --- so --- what's the word? Passive?? I hate it.

Her niceness overwhelms me sometimes - and not in a good way. I just want to scream. The way I'm sounding, you'll think I'm one fierce, no-nonsense girl, but that's hardly the case. Or maybe it's the case. I'm not even sure about myself. I think I'm an under cover fierce babe. I usually start off smiling and pretending to be nice. But I digress...

Funmie is my self-hired administrative assistant. Yes, she employed herself as my administrative assistant, and so far, I'm not quite sure how I feel about her job performance. I still end up doing what I want her to do, and she claims it's my fault because I'm supposed to send her reminders. Seriously???

I have to commend Funmie though. She is my biggest [female] fan. (We'll get to the biggest male fan later). I cannot even believe I have a friend who is this excited and interested in me. She reads every single blog post. She's even subscribed to it. She listens LIVE to every single radio show. The only time she did not call in was the weekend she was seriously ill, but even then, she still listened to it LIVE. When she was very busy helping a friend cook, she still listened via phone and called in. The chic just surprises me.

She's done a lot more actually. But these will have to suffice for now. I often fantasize about the day I'll have some money, take her shopping, and totally blow her mind. Enjoy the pictures.

If I lay my hands on that red belt, it's mine forever.

Only Funmie can tell you what she was doing to that Christmas light decoration (Oh, my goodness! Can't believe it's already almost a year since we took this picture).

Someone is trying to pretend to be quiet...

But this is her true color right here .... the crazy girl you hear shouting on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

...And yes, I know I spelled her name as Funmi (instead of Funmie) in the tag. I can't be bothered to change the tag in all the posts with her name, so her tag will have to remain as Funmi.

Sex, Sex, Sex!!!

Sex is such an interesting, diverse, and complicated topic. Although it's a three letter word, it's often treated as a four letter word. SEX. If my blog were a sex blog and I had to blog about sex everyday, I still would not run out of things to say about it. Sex goes beyond the positions taken and minutes spent while doing it. A critical question one should ask is: Should I even have sex?

In relationships (marriage excluded), sometimes, sex is included, other times, it isn't. It has continued to be a controversial topic: to have sex or not? When to have sex? With whom to have sex? What kind of sex to have? Where to have sex? Naturally, these are not the questions you ask mom's advise for.

I can just hear it now, "Mom, there's something I need your advise on. Mr. Shoes and I have been having a hard time deciding where to have sex. I think we should do it on the roof of the primary school at the end of the road, but he'd rather we hang from a chandelier. What do you think?"

If my mom is still the mom I have known for the past XX years, then I can expect the following (in no particular order): She'll throw her shoes at me; she'll throw her big bag with the heavy metal thing on me; she'll throw her long umbrella at me, pick it up, and beat me with it; she'll beat me with both of her hands all over my body; she'll slap my face, especially my mouth; she'll call me all sorts of names (idiot, anuofia [bush animal], ekwensu [devil], otolo gba gi [honestly, I still don't know the meaning of this insult. What is otolo?], bloody fool, bullshit [yes, she will call me a bullshit], onye ala [mad person] ... and the list goes on.

On that note, I won't have this discussion with mom - for two reasons:

1. Mom is one of those small but mighty people. She is more than able to do all that I have said she will probably do --- and much more.

2. Mr. Shoes and I do not have that dilemma. That's actually Funmie's dilemma. Don't tell her I wrote it here.

Why is all this even important? Three reasons.

1. Verastically Speakin' will be tackling sex within relationships on Saturday, October 10th 2009. And because of how fun it will be, we will dedicate two hours (instead of 1.5 hours) to it. The co-hosts are Ekene Agabu and NaijaBloke. If you do visit Bloke's blog, please tell him to update.

2. There is a poll on the top right side bar. Help us out.

3. We need a female co-host to balance it out. Inquire within AKA radio@verastic.com or 1.443.934.9039

P.S. "Sex within relationships" does not include marriage, one night stands, being friends with benefits, sex buddies, 'kicking it,' etc. It only applies to being in a committed relationship that happens to include sex.

Go HERE to set up your reminders. Once again, the show will air on Saturday, October 10th 2009 at 10:00 am U.S. EST time/ 3:00 pm GMT / 3:00 pm Nigerian time.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions about this show, send them ASAP [as in IMMEDIATELY] to radio@verastic.com

I Need A Personal Assistant

Job description:

• Update Verastically Livin' every three days.
• Reply comments [on Verastically Livin'] as they come in.
• Hunt down and harass people till they agree to co-host Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.
• Schedule shows on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.
• Reply all e-mails (on Verastic, Facebook, & Twitter).
• Take and return phone calls.
• Reply text messages.
• Compose e-mails when needed and keep the readers informed.
• Keep the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio Facebook Group updated.
• Approve all my friend requests on Facebook.
• Poke back all my pokers on Facebook.
• Put up polls on Verastically Livin for upcoming shows on Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio.
• Constantly think of show ideas.
• Think of the best suitable co-hosts for each show.
• Write my book.
• Do my school work.
• Feed me.
• Rub my back.
• Moisturize my lips every two hours.
• Remind the "administrative assistant" [aka Funmie] that today is Thursday, and she needs to follow Miss Jayla on Twitter for tweminar.
• Do my hair. [It's currently a hot mess].

I'm drowning here. 24 hours are hardly enough hours in a day. 48 hours, maybe. Thank you all for the lovely comments in my previous posts. I'm sorry I have not been able to respond to all of them. I have read them all. I always do. Time has not really been on my side.

On that note, Funmie has really assumed the position of Administrative Assistant [stop laughing]. She has been a tremendous help so far, but there are still some things she just can't do. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Stop thinking what you're thinking, pervert.

So Funmie has been really helpful anyway. I sent an e-mail out to a whole lotta people about upcoming shows, and the response has been encouraging. Thank you. We should be able to respond to all the e-mails by this weekend. I now qualify for the we thing. I have always found it strange when a solo blogger refers to him/herself as we. I've thought that to be the early signs of schizophrenia. But in this case, we really does fit the case. We as in Funmie and I. Whenever I am unable to handle it, Funmie will take over. Fear not, she's got the Verastic training too - whatever that might be.

Just to remind you --- notice the poll on the right sidebar?? That's for the upcoming show on Saturday. If you have not taken the poll, please do. It'll help us. Also, there's a long list of upcoming shows on the left sidebar. I hope you'll be interested in co-hosting. If so, let us know. Gosh, this is sooo cool! The whole use of we and us. Read the previous post for details on co-hosting.

Well, off I go to bed. We will get back to you. Alright Vera.... put a cork in it. Soooo not funny anymore!!! Do not despair - whoever said you're despairing? - I still remain the sole updater of this blog.

Dear Massage Oil

It's not funny anymore.

Seriously, it is so not funny anymore. I have had you for YEARS now. Your first owner, Funmie gave you to me several years ago, and you were exactly this size when she gave you to me. The only difference between then and now is that you have collected dust and dirt from sitting on my dresser, untouched.

I am hurt that no one - man, woman, child, beast, or stuffed animal - has even glanced at you and raised an eyebrow. For years, I have thought about all the fun times you, I, and someone else could have, but for years, no one worthy has shown his face, so on my dresser, you have remained...looking at me, looking at you.

I have taken the liberty to study your label today. Apparently, you're scented. Scented, huh? For a scented oil, you stink! I don't know if you stink because you have been sitting on my dresser for years or if you stink because you have always stunk, but either way, you stink. Well, you don't stink that badly, but you stink - for a scented oil.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that Funmie gave me this massage oil. At this time, I know you must be wondering any, some or all of the following:

1. Why on earth did you take a hand-me-down massage oil from Funmie?

2. Why did Funmie even give the massage oil away? Was the problem with the oil or her partner in crime (who could either have been the massager or the massagee. Yes, the term Masseuse does come to mind at this time, but massager makes for a better Verastic term. You know how we at Verastic dot com can be.)

3. Forget about why Funmie gave the massage oil away. The better question is who did Funmie use the massage oil with? In other words, who was the mysterious massager/massagee?

4. K.Y. huh? What else does Funmie have from K.Y.?

These, of course, are your questions - not mine. This is not me projecting my questions on you. Nooo!! I wouldn't do that. That said, does anyone know the recipe for frying plantain and cooking stew with three or four year old massage oil? And if you do, send it along with the antidote for eating such a meal.

~ Written in a state of euphoria + ecstasy. Nwoke Ocha is back from the hospital. And they did not mess with his hard drive. Life, after all, is good.

*Wink, Wink*

On Bridesmaids...

So, Bumight struck a chord with me on her recent post about wanting to be a bridesmaid. I have been a bridesmaid only one time in my life, and that was when I was Busola's maid of honor. It goes without saying that it was Busola's honor to have me as her maid of honor. Soon, I'm gonna be a bridesmaid for another friend, and no, I'm not gonna tell you who, when, or where. I talked about Busola's nuptials so much that my picture was found by many people. Once bitten, twice shy. I refuse to talk about this wedding. There were two other times I was part of a wedding: once when I was my aunt's little bride (gosh, I was too hawt!), and the other time, I was an usher (or was it a hostess??); the point is that we wore a beautiful burgundy gown.

Our dear Bumight has never had the honor expense of being a bridesmaid. Sure, you'll look cute (if you're not made to wear some butt ugly dress that highlights all your flaws), and sure, you'll have your pictures taken by a professional photographer. Let's not forget the chance to walk arm in arm with what is hopefully an eligible bachelor - if only for that day. I think my favorite part is when the bridal party dances into the reception. That's when I can show my kolomentality in the name of dance moves - not that I really have any.

Anyways, Bumight wants to be my bridesmaid. What wedding, you ask? Well, Bumight has joined the other crazy people (Funmi & Busola) in planning my wedding to my valentine. Bumight, don't worry; you, Funmi, and Busola are obviously all being carried in the same boat. Funmi and Busola have already started planning the speech they will give at my wedding. They even argue about whose speech will be better. Needless to say, I am not part of this conversation, but it is quite entertaining to listen to. Sometimes, I do indulge them, I must admit. I have long since removed all doubts about Funmi's and Busola's insanity. They're certified 'crase people.' And you, Bumight, have joined them. Congratulations!

For you, Bumight (and anyone else who might be interested in being my bridesmaid), please read below.

1. All bridesmaids must have their dresses (which I will design) sewn by Vera Wang.

2. Once chosen as a bridesmaid, no bridesmaid, can decline the offer.

3. Each bridesmaid must get to the wedding in a stretch hummer limousine that will be paid for by the bridesmaid. One bridesmaid per limo, please!

4. Each bridesmaid must buy the aso-ebi lace, of course, which will cost only $2000 for 5 yards.

5. Each bridesmaid must use that asoebi material to sew a style that I have designed: micro mini skirt & half top - with the words, "Vera's Maid" inscribed boldly across the chest.

6. Each bridesmaid must wear a pair of gold metalic stripper shoes designed by either Manolo Blahnik or Christian Louboutin. And no, they will not be stripping @ my wedding! The groomsmen are welcome to, though. :)

7. Anyone who is interested in being a Verastic bridesmaid should please answer the 5 questions below & mail it to my P.O.BOX immediately. Though I am not getting married yet (in fact, I'm not even engaged), it is imperative that I plan ahead, no? Please mail in your Verastic Bridesmaid application ASAP, and you will get a response once the wedding date has been set.

Verastic Application Form [all areas marked with asteris (*) are required, and the number of *s denotes how much power this question has...in determining if you get the honorable position or not. Answer wisely, my friends.]

*Name:

*Address & Number:

**********How much are you willing to donate to the Verastic wedding?

**********How soon can you start the donation?

Why do you want to be a Verastic bridesmaid?


All readers are eligible to become Verastic bridesmaids. I have even decided to shatter myths by allowing men to become my bridesmaids, so RocNaija, Rethots, Aloofar, Chari, Black007, Fine Agbero Boy, Jaguda, Nuggetzman, Danny Bagucci, Dabizniz, Darius Williams, Tobenna, Webround, Aribaba, Doug, NaijaDude, Banky W, Emeka Amakeze, Boorish Male, Naughty Eyes, Dante, NaijaLeta, Engineer Ayo, Mr C, Carlang and the rest of our male bloggers (and readers) are all free to apply. C'mon, I know you've all been picturing yourselves in pretty dresses & gowns, sashaying down the aisle all prim & proper. Admit it already and do the right thing!

This may come as a shock to you - considering how competitive this position is - but it costs absolutely nothing to apply for this position. Yes, I know.... I'm awefully sweet! Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself!

So Bumight, how you take see am?

Mr. Multiple Personality

He now wants to be called Gbenga. No longer Wes. Not Lee. Not even Wesley. But Gbenga. On a side note: the illness, multiple personality disorder is no longer called multiple personality disorder. It's now called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Moving along...

Remember the guy who asked Funmi out and said his name was Wes and then asked me out and said his name was Lee??? I told you that technically he did not lie anyway because Wes & Lee are both forms of Wesley, but it was just weird the way it happened. Anyway...

I ran into him again. Let me explain something very well. The boy first asked Funmi out some years ago. Funmi does not remember what name he gave her then. Then he asked me out in April of 2008 and told me his name was Lee. About two months ago, he asked Funmi out again and reintroduced himself as Wes. Recently (as in December of 2008), he asked me out - again. But this time, his name was not Wes. Or Lee. It wasn't even Weslee sef. LOL. It was Gbenga. Imagine my amusement. When he told me his name, I had to ask him again because I thought I had heard wrong, but lo and behold, I did not hear wrong.

I think this guy is suffering from a few diseases: Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder), early stages of Alzheimers, and maybe even some Developmental Challenge. I'll explain. He has Multiple Personality Disorder because I do not understand how and/or why one person alone will go by three different names. And these are the names that I know of oo! For all we know, he might have some more out there. He has Alzheimers because he did not even remember that he had asked me out in April (I'll explain in my next parapgraph). He also has some developmental challenge because that is the only plausible reason why a grown man like him will come and ask me out after literally gawking at me and Funmi hugging each other and talking. He just asked Funmi out two months ago. What nonsense! He evidently knew we were friends. People do not randomly hug each other.

So how do I know he did not remember me?? Well, let's see. He asked my name again. He introduced himself again (albeit as a different person). He asked me out the same away. Honestly, he said the exact same things he said to me in April. I could not erase the smile that was plastered on my face as he spoke; the whole thing was just too funny. It was deja vu. I know that guys sometimes recycle lines, but please do not recycle to the same person. The only thing that is worse that recyling a line is recycling it to the same person.......and not knowing it. Ouch. Poor Funmi. She's the one who thought he was cute. lol.

All I could think about while he spoke was, "This is good blog material!! I am sooo blogging about this..." I'm very sure I will run into Mr. Multiple Personality again, but I cannot tell you which one of him I will run into. Wes? Lee? Gbenga? Or a totally new person? I don't know, my people. The most that I can do right now is wait.

Introducing Exhibit A

Before I go on, let me tell you what I named Busola's baby. I named him Chidi, so henceforth, you can expect regular posts on Chidi. When a Yoruba person hears his name is Chidi, the response is usually, "Ah, omo Igbo ke???" LOL. It's been quite interesting to say the least. Busola and her hubby gave him other names which I do not care to mention because this is my blog darn it! Busola can go and open her own blog and tell every1 his Yoruba name. On Verastically Livin,' he shall be known as Chidi. Full Stop!!

On Thursday night, Busola said she needed her "stupid friends" to come and spend the night in her house the next day (Friday) and help her sort some baby clothes and all that stuff. In spite of the insult, Funmi and I gladly went. We really need to get some self respect. LOL. I got there before seven thirty PM; Funmi got there before midnight. She's always late. She was late too when God was distributing booties - hence Funmi's flat backside.

Anyway, taking care of Chidi was not easy ooo!! He woke up every hour for food and pooped every time I fed him. Busola left him for me and Funmi and went to bed, so I was the one waking up to take care of him because her royal highness, Funmi was snoozing. Twas a humbling experience. Made me wonder what life will be like when I have my confusingly identical twin boys. Well, I still want them all the same. No amount of poop cleaning will stop me from desiring them. Moving along...

Have you heard that if an adult drinks breast milk, it will make him retarded? Actually, it's not nice or right to say 'retarded.' The term is developmentally challenged. Curious about the veracity of this possible myth, I had to find out. You know how I love experimenting now! So what did I do??? Oh, it was quite simple actually. The genius in me just came up with a bright idea.

Her royal highness, Funmi was sipping on a glass of milk.....from a wine glass oo! Dunno what she was feeling like. She had to go into the bedroom to do some stuff, so she left her glass of milk on the table. Sitting on the table also was Chidi's feeding bottle. It had breast milk in it, so I thought..... hmmmmmmmmm why not pour some of this breast milk into Funmi's milk???? Hehehehehe. So of course I did! Funmi came out of the room and drank her milk. I had to hold myself from laughing. The funny thing is that she suspected I did it; just goes to show how predictable I am becoming. I need to change my strategies. Operation Make-An-Adult-Drink-Breast-Milk is complete!!

Now I'm watching Funmi for any adverse effects of drinking Busola's milk. The girl already acts developmentaly challenged, so it's hard to tell if her current actions have anything to do with the milk or if she's just being her regular self. I think I have to increase the dose. What do you think?

Oh, by the way, I tasted a drop of the milk too. My dose is nothing compared to Funmi's though. And no, I have not become developmentally challenged.

So It's My Fault???

I found two out of my closest friends in Naija on Facebook the other day. Imagine my pleasant surprise. One of them was my best friend [in Naija] and she got married in August. The other one was also really, really close to me, and she got married before my best friend. Anyway, they're now both married. This wasn't news to me since we talk on the phone quite often. Although not as often as we used to when I was in Naija, of course. Time and distance has put a damper on our relationship.


Anyway, they're both married now, and one that got married first now has a child. I was looking at her pictures on Facebook (kai, thank God for Facebook ooo). I saw pictures of her while she was pregnant and pictures of her with her child. It was so weird looking at this chic and her baby. Silly me. All I could think was "I guess she's no longer a virgin." LOL. Hey, don't blame me. I grew up with this gal! Three of us practically grew up together. We went to the same elementary and high school. We grew breasts together and experienced our menarche (first period) together.


Actually, they grew breasts together and experienced their menarche together. I was a late bloomer on all counts. I don't wanna start thinking about those days that everyone but me had breasts. Oh, the tears I shed! But hey, if they could see me now... hehehehehe *I laugh in Russian* It was traumatizing oh, but don't let me bore you with my tales of former breastlessness.


As I was saying before I digressed, I was looking at my friends' pictures on Facebook. I decided to show my mother the pictures to see if she recognized them. My mother and her blunt sef....you won't believe what she had to say to me.


Mom: *twisting her mouth Naija style* Your friends, aren't they your age or younger?


Me: *wondering what her point was* Rita (the one with the baby) is my age, but Linda is a year younger than me. Why?


Mom: Your friends that you started out with are married and having children and you you're here. What are you doing?


Me: *astonished* You're joking, right?! Mom, please! How can I get a husband when you don't want to let me out of your sight? [Yes, that is my reason. No, not an excuse, but a REASON]. If I say I'm going to see a movie, you'll squeeze your face, so how do you expect me to find a husband under such duress? [Yes, I call it duress]


Mom: You don't go to places where you can find a husband. You go to Funmi's and Busola's house.


Okay, I had to laugh out loud. Darn it. Why does she always have to be right??? Come to think of it, I barely go anywhere else and just like Mama Vera said, man no dey for Funmi & Busola house ooo. I have been going to their house for years, and I am yet to meet one eligible bachelor there. I don't think eligible bachelors live on their street. In fact, I don't think eligible bachelors live in their zip code sef.


So strategize, I must. Find new friends, I must too. Funmi and Busola are not doing me any good. As soon as I collect my Christmas and birthday gifts, I will ditch them for some new friends. I cannot be friends with people who cannot hook me up with eligible bachelors. *hiss* Wetin sef? Anyway speaking of my birthday, I hope y'll are preparing?? It's Jan 14th, baby!


And uhm, feel free to read up on my former breastlessness HERE

Err...Don't Really Have A Title

If anyone can tell me what that psychopath by the left who calls herself Funmi is doing, then please do. If you ask her, she'll say she was dancing - yahoozeeing to be precise, but if you ask me, I'll say she had one too many whatever-she-was drinking. I guess it's not too bad since her dimple looks so pweety. That's the only good thing about the yeye gal. Oh, and her culinary skills too. Other than that.... *hiss* The past week & weekend has been so busy for me, hence the lack of an update. All I wanna do right now is close my eyes and sleep, but duty calls. On Saturday, we hosted a beautiful surprise baby shower for a dear friend, Y. We had mad fun. I mean, how many times do you attend a baby shower where there is a DJ and an after-party? lol. So yeah, you can say we had a lotta fun. I took lotsa pics. After I deleted the unnecessary and blurry ones, I was left with 250. I uploaded 28 of them for your viewing pleasure. Now, b4 any1 starts asking questions, lemme respond... No, I am not the one on the home page of my photo collections page. That's Uju & her nephew. I didn't even put the pictures there; the website automatically put them. And no, I am not in any of the pictures you're about to view from the shower...sorry. Just click on the most recent album, which is the one on top. Anyway, click HERE to view the pics.





Mom drove my car to work the other day because she was running late and didn't have time to stop by the gas station to put gas in her car. The next day, I went out with my car. Time to come down from the car and I realized the damage the woman had done. Chei. And she didn't even bother telling me. Maybe she thought I wouldn't notice? lol. So now, every time I wanna get outta the car, I have to wind down the window to open the door. This reminds of the molues in Naija. Haba, I'm too fine 4 this oo! What if I attend a posh party where there is valet parking? Wait, what if there are fine boys outside the parry and they see me getting outta my car in that manner?? That na scandal o. Chai!! Mommy, you no do me well @ all. It has been very inconvenient, as you can imagine because I keep forgetting that the door handle is bad. I turn off the car, attempt to get out, and then realize I have to start the car again to wind the window down. Ah, I will be rich in Jesus name. Shebi money is doing shakara 4 me now abi? lol. Anyway, I will try & fix it by this weekend. When I asked my mom about it, she gave the classical Naija response to everything, "It was the devil."


Come Friday, I may or may not be attending the African Bankers Award. I have never attended it before; in fact, I had never heard of it before now, but I was invited by the publisher of Kitu Kizuri Magazine. Why do I feel like this is one of her attempts to hook me up with an eligible bachelor? lol. She has been telling me to "get out there and meet new people". I've been meeting new people ooo! Look @ all the new bloggers I have discovered lately. lol.



Speaking of meeting new people, I met Ramsey Noah on Thursday. He was pretty cool. I took a picture with him. You can see it on my camera *sticking tongue out* I'll update in two or three days.

Happy Birthday, Funmie!!!

This is a scheduled post. If it appears on my blog on Thursday, May 15th 2008 @ 12:01 AM, then that means it made it on time. If not....oops!

Today is Funmie's birthday. I'm grateful to God for granting her another wonderful year. He is faithful. I'm obviously dedicating this entire post to Funmi. She's worth it and much more.

I met Funmie in 2002. We have been inseparable since then...and I do not mean this in a romantic way. She's fine, but she is not that fine. Funmie is the bestest friend a gal could wish for. She's kind, she's loving, she's generous, she's sweet, she's funny, she's dumb, she's nice (a little too nice sometimes...but anyway)... and she's beautiful - inside and out.

At the risk of sounding queer, I must admit that Funmi has spoilt me, and continues to spoil me. When I did not have a car, she would come to my house in the morning to gimme a ride – even though I never asked her to (okay, maybe I asked her a few times). And it was not like my house was even on her way. She actually went out of her way to pick me up.

She always comes to my house to chill with me on my birthday, and she always buys me cake. She has bought me sooo many shoes that I have lost count. E don tey since Funmi dey spoil me ooo! She always buys me just-because gifts. The man who ends up with Funmi will be the luckiest man (after the man that marries me, of course. LOL). And her culinary skills are da bomb!

When I started writing Every Woman, Funmi was so into it, and was so determined to make me write that she started buying me stuff for every chapter I wrote. Come on, how many friends will do that?? For every blog post I put up – no matter how insignificant it may be, Funmi takes out time to leave comments. Funmi is my biggest fan.

If anything were to arise tomorrow, I can trust Funmi to be by my side. If I should find myself in the middle of a scandal tomorrow, I can trust Funmi to still take my side. She may yell at me privately, but outside, she will defend me. Recent events have proven that she will not wash her hands of me when the going gets bad; she’ll stick with me – which is why I have promised her a permanent spot in the boot (trunk) of my future Range Rover. LOL.

Funmi is a rare gem. I will not give her up for anything. Funmi is just like Panadol – if e no be Funmi, e no go fit be like Funmi. Where else will I find a friend whose shoe and bra I can share? And if you care 2 know, no, we do not share thongs. I may have stolen a few new thongs, but that’s what friends do, right?

My prayers for Funmi:

1. May you be all that you aspire to be in life.
2. May God grant you long life & prosperity.
3. May you not ever be far away from me.
4. May you always be available to cook egwusi soup for me.
5. May you continue to spoil me.
6. May we continue to have the same shoe and bra size – so we can continue to share. By the way, where’s my white strapless bra???
7. May you have at least one child on my birthday – Jan 14th.
8. May you stay beautiful – inside & out.
9. May you always have reasons to smile and show off your gorgeous dimples.
10. May you learn to ride a bicycle. Riding the immobile bike in the gym does not count as knowing how to ride a bicycle. Somebori, please tell her.
11. May you always remain my one & only Fufustic Fufu (yes, this is a name I made up for Funmie)

Funmie, some day, I’ll make the money you have been dreaming about, and then perhaps, I can spoil you a little bit. If you want, we can even go on a honeymoon trip, just the two of us. Just say the word, love.

Happy Birthday! I love you to bits.

…Oya, start wishing my Funmi a happy birthday.

And by the way, Funmi... I did not type this post in light of recent events. I typed this up ever since...which is why I was asking for your picture. I had no intention of "editing" it. And I did not edit this post either.

They Want My Downfall

Who are these people? "my enemies," Busola, and Funmi.

Gala Mania: I have been practically harrassing Tayo Odukoya for the longest time because I found out that his office is close to gala. I love gala!! Every time someone is going to Naija, I make sure I ask for gala, but somehow, they come back without it. In December of last year, Uju went to Naija for Xmas, and I made sure to warn her to bring back lots and lots and lots of gala. Can you believe the gal came back with only two?? I vexed oo! I raked for her properly. In short, if not that I was being held ehn, I for panel beat her face well well. So I finally took my gala home, and you shoulda seen the speed at which I opened one of it. I took one bite and…

It is with a heavy heart and deepest sorrow that I regret to announce I have fallen out of love with gala. What the hell happened?? All it took was one bite and I wanted to spit it out. This falling out of love with gala is not natural oo, ah ah! Our relationship did not die a natural death. Someone must have played a hand in it. My enemies must be after me again. They want to see my downfall, and they have attacked me through my love for gala. How else do you explain the sudden demise of my hyperactive taste buds for gala? I have been craving this thing for years!! I finally got it and I could hardly swallow the first bite. Chei! Helplessly and hopelessly, I watched as my one and three-quarter packs of gala entered my mother’s mouth and got churned and swallowed. I never even bothered telling Uju what happened. How could I?

Message to my enemies: You may have won the battle, but the war is mine!! I will never, ever, ever stop loving buttermilk shortbread!! And I will never stop loving Eclairs candy either!!! If you don’t believe me, send me a box of each.

Busola: Make una see me see wahala oo! This so-called friend of mine (Busola) is determined to ruin my very good reputation. Can somebori tell me why my Facebook profile says I’m married to Busola? Which day did this one happen? I remember being her maid of honor (which was an honor to her, of course), but which one be marriage again? What if a potential suitor sees my profile and moves on to someone else ehn? Tufia kwa! Busola, get thee behind me! I rebuke you!

Busola edited the details on how we know each other, and then she signed into my Facebook and accepted them. So now, according to my Facebook profile, we are married. The whole thing is just funny. The other day, one of my readers sent me an email congratulating me on my wedding. He said he loved my wedding pictures. That’s great, of course. The problem is that I neither had a wedding nor do I have any wedding pictures. The reader saw pictures of Busola and her husband, and he thought I was Busola and Busola’s husband was Busola. LOL.

Only our mutual friends and acquaintances will know that the whole marriage thing is just a joke. People that know me and do not know Busola will think I am really married to a man called Busola, and they will see that picture and think the man in the picture is Busola. Of course, it goes vice versa for Busola’s profile. People that know her and do not know me will think I am the man in the picture. Which kin nonsense be this? LOL.

People will really think I’m married to one betta person not knowing it’s just one small-breasted girl in PG county of Maryland. I have told the girl to stop wearing bra, so that we can see if there is hope for her tatas to grow, but mba, she insists on stunting their growth. They have been the same size for over a decade now. Nawa o. One day now, her husband will vex and just start playing with his own breast. They’re almost the same size anyway.

LOL. I can foresee Busola calling/texting me to tell me I’m a big fool for writing about her again. But I cannot help it now. She keeps blushing every time she sees me. Her week is just not the same without me. LOL. Could this be love? Oh yeah, it’s definitely love.

Funmie: The other person that wants my downfall is Funmi. Funmi also has the password to my Facebook account. She does not have a Facebook account and has refused to get one. Why? She claims that getting a Facebook account will make her be on Facebook all the time. The reason why this is such a silly excuse is that she is already on Facebook all the time! The only difference is that she does it with my name. Imagine the konkobility! (I don’t know what konkobility means; I learnt it from a Naija movie). It is because of Funmi that I receive text messages at three in the morning from friends asking me why I am still on Facebook. Meanwhile, my laptop is off and I am deep in sleep oo! LOL. People send me emails on Facebook expecting me to respond immediately because my Facebook profile says I’m online. Meanwhile, the real culprit has her eyes glued on her laptop screen spying on people who don’t know they are being spied on. Honestly, I dunno where I get my friends from.

Speaking of spying on people, Funmi has this chic she does not like. I’ll call the chic ‘Miss A’. So what did Funmi do? She added Miss A to my list of friends, so that she can properly spy on her. So now, Funmi signs in as Vera to spy on Miss A. I have told her several times that she has a lot of time on her hands. My question is…could this be madness? Yes oooo. Na so craze people dey start. One day now, I’ll see Funmi walking naked on the street.

Update: Funmie just joined Facebook, albeit she claims she only did it to join her Naija High School group. Sure, Funmi!

I just wrote a new article. Check it out. This Marriage Thing Sef. Don't forget to leave comments oooo! I will quiz you later.

**I know this is totally unrelated, but permit me to whine about the Baltimore weather. Just two days ago, it was warm and sunny. It was 78 degrees, and I was almost getting baked, but I didn't complain ooo. Yesterday, it was cold. Today, it's even colder. To make it worse, it has been raining since morning. You know that kind of rain that won't rain heavily, yet refuses to stop falling? Yeap, that's the one. I'm ready for the flip flops, the sunglasses, and the skirts. I'm ready to - - - in fact, I dunno what I'm ready for, but I know I'm ready.