I was gonna title this post, "He betrayed me," because that was how I felt on Monday, but I guess I'm over it now - kinda sorta. I promised I had good news for you, so here goes: Busola has had her baby. She gave birth on Monday, December 22nd 2008 at 1:09 PM. The baby weighed 5.12 lbs. Alright, I'll rewind.
I know, I know, I know. I never told anyone that she was pregnant, right? Yes, that's because she made me promise I will not run my mouth on my blog, so you see, I had to keep it a secret. Remember when I said I met some beautiful bloggers?? Well, I met them at the surprise baby shower we had for Busola [which I invited them to]. I could not blog about the shower either because that would have meant disclosing her very pregnant state. But now that she has offloaded, I am free to run my mouth. No, I cannot disclose the name of the baby yet. His naming ceremony will be held tomorrow.
So why did I feel betrayed? Well, let's see. The baby was due to be born on January 19th 2009. I and the baby talked about his supposed due date several times, and we had an agreement - or at least I thought we did. I told him to get born on January 14th - my birthday. He nodded - kicked rather, and I interpreted that to be a handshake. I thought we had agreed! When you shake hands (or kick a foot) on a deal, you do not go back on your words, darn it!!
When Busola called me at almost 2:30 in the morning on Monday to tell me her water had broken, I was devastated. All my dreams of sharing the same birthday with my new boyfriend were shattered. Shattered, I tell you! Busola was not making it easier either. I pleaded with her to shut her legs and hold the delivery off till the 14th of January (I mean, it's not that far), but she refused. The girl refused! After all I have done for her, she could not do this one little thing for me. Now I know who my real friends are - NOT!
Anywayz.... I got over my anger. Why? I witnessed the birth of my new boyfriend. Yes, yours truly witnessed him being born. It was beautiful. Busola was crying. Her husband was crying. Her mother-in-law was crying. But I didn't shed a tear. Alright, who am I kidding? I probably started crying before everyone else. I could not help it. He was so little. And so perfect. I have never seen anyone so beautiful. I should mention that Funmi missed the entire delivery. Why? She was.... *D.R.U.M.R.O.L.L* .... sleeping!!! Yes, sleeping. We called and called, but home girl did not pick up. I had to call her brother's phone. To make matters worse, she couldn't go see the baby after he was born because she was suffering from strep throat and flu. Nnyama. Yuck!
On the day of his birth, I took more than 250 pictures. And no, they're not available yet. Too many pictures to go through and sort out. Remember I have to filter my own pictures out. LOL. I will upload them later. I am so proud of Busola; she did so well. The babe is strong. And beautiful. She's beautiful inside and outside, and I am so, so, so blessed to have her in my life. I'm wondering if I should erase the preceding words because she will call me and say, "Vera, I know you want me." Really, I don't. *hiss*
Soooo after watching Busola give birth, I have learnt a few lessons for my future children. They are outlined below. Maybe you could adopt some of them too.
1. Epidural helps a whole lot! But I will not wait till I am in labor to take my epidural. If my period ventures to be late, that is it ooo! Epidural all the way. Sure, I might be completely paralyzed by the time of delivery, but hey, at least I won't be in pain.
2. Prenatal pills make women glow. I'm not even gonna wait till I get pregnant. From tomorrow, I will start downing prenatal pills. I wanna start now to have that pregnancy glow, so that when I become pregnant, I will glow even more. Of course, it will grow my hair too. Speaking of hair, I hope it's only the one on my head ooo!
3. When you're pregnant, people are nice to you. As soon as I get pregnant, I will begin to crave anything and everything - including but not limited to perfumes, shoes, range rovers, Nokias, Black Berries, money, jewelry....etc. You know now...the regular stuff that pregnant women crave.
4. Since child birth is so painful, I will give birth in rapid succession. While I'm pregnant with child #1, I will have plenty of unprotected sex with hubby, so that he can get me pregnant...while I'm already pregnant. That way, as soon as I give birth to child #1, I will come back to the hospital in about 4 months time to give birth to child #2, and then in another 3 months to give birth to child #3. Before you know it, I would have popped out all my five children (including my set of confusingly identical twin boys).
5. When you're in labor, people will do anything and everything to make you feel better. I will shut my legs and demand a ransom for the release of the baby. Sure, you may call it fetusnapping, but do I care?? Nope! The ransom will not be anything that is too difficult to get. All I would demand is that Obama come into my bedroom, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, rub my tummy and tell me that I'm doing good. That is all I will demand. Now is that too much??? Do I hear a resounding, "No!!!"
Shikena. I'm a very simple babe. It's really not difficult to please me. Like I said, I apologize for not having pictures of the baby's birth, but for now, please enjoy the pictures of the baby shower. And no, there are no bloggers in the pictures. They can show you their pictures themselves. Click HERE to view the pictures. So please join us in thanking God oh for this favor. We are truly blessed. My dear sister, Busola is favored in eyes of God.
This is my last post for 2008. See you in 2009 - January 1st 2009. 12:01 AM baby!!! I no go disappoint una na...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Feliz Navidad!!!
***Vera singing***
"I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad...."
While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY - JANUARY 14TH!!!
So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn't gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, "If Jesus could do it, then why not me?"
So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy's womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me - like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down - with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have - whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.
There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It's a miracle I don't care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn't take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn't apologized for that. I wonder if it's too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress...
On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you - complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.
1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).
2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)
3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)
4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).
5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).
6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).
7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)
8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome
9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
"I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad...."
While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY - JANUARY 14TH!!!
So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn't gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, "If Jesus could do it, then why not me?"
So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy's womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me - like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down - with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have - whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.
There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It's a miracle I don't care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn't take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn't apologized for that. I wonder if it's too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress...
On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you - complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.
1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).
2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)
3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)
4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).
5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).
6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).
7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)
8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome
9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci
11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang
12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano
13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino
14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani
15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci
16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang
17. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)
My dear people, though my birthday isn't till next month, I have currently started accepting gifts due to the rush. For your sake (I know you wouldn't want your gift(s) to be late), I advice that you send your gifts ASAP....in order to avoid the rush, of course.
***Merry Christmas!!!*** I'll see you on the 28th of Dec 2008. I have some good news. But meanwhile, please enjoy my new note: Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender
Sunday, December 21, 2008
So It's My Fault???
I found two out of my closest friends in Naija on Facebook the other day. Imagine my pleasant surprise. One of them was my best friend [in Naija] and she got married in August. The other one was also really, really close to me, and she got married before my best friend. Anyway, they're now both married. This wasn't news to me since we talk on the phone quite often. Although not as often as we used to when I was in Naija, of course. Time and distance has put a damper on our relationship.
Anyway, they're both married now, and one that got married first now has a child. I was looking at her pictures on Facebook (kai, thank God for Facebook ooo). I saw pictures of her while she was pregnant and pictures of her with her child. It was so weird looking at this chic and her baby. Silly me. All I could think was "I guess she's no longer a virgin." LOL. Hey, don't blame me. I grew up with this gal! Three of us practically grew up together. We went to the same elementary and high school. We grew breasts together and experienced our menarche (first period) together.
Actually, they grew breasts together and experienced their menarche together. I was a late bloomer on all counts. I don't wanna start thinking about those days that everyone but me had breasts. Oh, the tears I shed! But hey, if they could see me now... hehehehehe *I laugh in Russian* It was traumatizing oh, but don't let me bore you with my tales of former breastlessness.
As I was saying before I digressed, I was looking at my friends' pictures on Facebook. I decided to show my mother the pictures to see if she recognized them. My mother and her blunt sef....you won't believe what she had to say to me.
Mom: *twisting her mouth Naija style* Your friends, aren't they your age or younger?
Me: *wondering what her point was* Rita (the one with the baby) is my age, but Linda is a year younger than me. Why?
Mom: Your friends that you started out with are married and having children and you you're here. What are you doing?
Me: *astonished* You're joking, right?! Mom, please! How can I get a husband when you don't want to let me out of your sight? [Yes, that is my reason. No, not an excuse, but a REASON]. If I say I'm going to see a movie, you'll squeeze your face, so how do you expect me to find a husband under such duress? [Yes, I call it duress]
Mom: You don't go to places where you can find a husband. You go to Funmi's and Busola's house.
Okay, I had to laugh out loud. Darn it. Why does she always have to be right??? Come to think of it, I barely go anywhere else and just like Mama Vera said, man no dey for Funmi & Busola house ooo. I have been going to their house for years, and I am yet to meet one eligible bachelor there. I don't think eligible bachelors live on their street. In fact, I don't think eligible bachelors live in their zip code sef.
So strategize, I must. Find new friends, I must too. Funmi and Busola are not doing me any good. As soon as I collect my Christmas and birthday gifts, I will ditch them for some new friends. I cannot be friends with people who cannot hook me up with eligible bachelors. *hiss* Wetin sef? Anyway speaking of my birthday, I hope y'll are preparing?? It's Jan 14th, baby!
And uhm, feel free to read up on my former breastlessness HERE
Anyway, they're both married now, and one that got married first now has a child. I was looking at her pictures on Facebook (kai, thank God for Facebook ooo). I saw pictures of her while she was pregnant and pictures of her with her child. It was so weird looking at this chic and her baby. Silly me. All I could think was "I guess she's no longer a virgin." LOL. Hey, don't blame me. I grew up with this gal! Three of us practically grew up together. We went to the same elementary and high school. We grew breasts together and experienced our menarche (first period) together.
Actually, they grew breasts together and experienced their menarche together. I was a late bloomer on all counts. I don't wanna start thinking about those days that everyone but me had breasts. Oh, the tears I shed! But hey, if they could see me now... hehehehehe *I laugh in Russian* It was traumatizing oh, but don't let me bore you with my tales of former breastlessness.
As I was saying before I digressed, I was looking at my friends' pictures on Facebook. I decided to show my mother the pictures to see if she recognized them. My mother and her blunt sef....you won't believe what she had to say to me.
Mom: *twisting her mouth Naija style* Your friends, aren't they your age or younger?
Me: *wondering what her point was* Rita (the one with the baby) is my age, but Linda is a year younger than me. Why?
Mom: Your friends that you started out with are married and having children and you you're here. What are you doing?
Me: *astonished* You're joking, right?! Mom, please! How can I get a husband when you don't want to let me out of your sight? [Yes, that is my reason. No, not an excuse, but a REASON]. If I say I'm going to see a movie, you'll squeeze your face, so how do you expect me to find a husband under such duress? [Yes, I call it duress]
Mom: You don't go to places where you can find a husband. You go to Funmi's and Busola's house.
Okay, I had to laugh out loud. Darn it. Why does she always have to be right??? Come to think of it, I barely go anywhere else and just like Mama Vera said, man no dey for Funmi & Busola house ooo. I have been going to their house for years, and I am yet to meet one eligible bachelor there. I don't think eligible bachelors live on their street. In fact, I don't think eligible bachelors live in their zip code sef.
So strategize, I must. Find new friends, I must too. Funmi and Busola are not doing me any good. As soon as I collect my Christmas and birthday gifts, I will ditch them for some new friends. I cannot be friends with people who cannot hook me up with eligible bachelors. *hiss* Wetin sef? Anyway speaking of my birthday, I hope y'll are preparing?? It's Jan 14th, baby!
And uhm, feel free to read up on my former breastlessness HERE
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
What Would Happen?
....If I were to swallow one pill of Extenze for a week or two??
The other day, I was doing my assignment late @ night. I had to stay up late to do it because I had procastinated for so long and finally, I was doing it at the eleventh hour. Why do today what you can do tomorrow, right? Oh, well. But I digress. I was in my bedroom, minding my own laptop when I had to go pee. On my way back, I could not help but glance at the TV when I realized that Ocean's Eleven (a movie I've watched several times but still love watching) was playing. I decided to stay in the living room and do my assignment. That wasn't a very smart move, seeing as I finished my assignment at six in the morning. But anyway...
Like I said, it was late @ night - at about one or two in the morning. I must have seen at least three commercials of Extenze during the course of the movie. Extenze is a medication that is made for men to help extend their member. It enhances their "desire, pleasure, and performance." The makers of Extenze are apparently so confident in their work that they are willing to send a free bottle! All the man has to do is pay shipping and handling.
But being as Verastic as I am, I could not help but muster up some thoughts of my own: what would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??? Would certain body parts get bigger too? Would she suddenly grow hair in places she never knew she could grow hair on (like the sole of her feet and maybe her tongue)? Would her voice become deeper? Or wait, would she then begin to grow said member??? Questions, questions, questions. But who will answer them?
I've got an idea!! How about some ladies volunteer themselves for this experiment? Look @ it as your own contribution to science. Or don't you want your children to know more? We'll divide the group of women into two: half of them will take the actual medication, but the other half (unbeknownst to them) will take the placebo. My team of highly professional professionals will monitor them closely for adverse effects. I would have loved to take part in this sure-to-win-a-pulitzer-award research, but as the experimenter, it will be unwise - not to mention, unsafe - for me to take part in it. That will be considered going native. Besides, I want to do a purely observational research. So who's in? Don't make me start picking people myself!!!
For the guys, I'm sure you feel left out, and I'm sorry, but don't worry, I'll think of something for you. Ever wondered what it'd be like to wear a tampon?? No?? What about taking a birth control pill? Well, sit back and relax, I'll think of something really good for you guys. You're too good and too fine to be left out of history. In the meantime in between time, feel free to donate any of the following people to the cause of this scientific research: girlfriend(s), wife(ves), mother, grandmother(s), great grandmother(s), mother in-law, sister(s) in-law, ex-wife(ves), ex-fiancee(s), sister(s), ex-girlfriend(s), fiancee(s), female friend(s), female enemy(ies), female coworker(s), female boss(es), etc. Any female in fact!
P.S. My current status on Facebook says, 'Vera is wondering what will happen if a woman takes Extenze - the medication that extends a man's uhm...member." The responses (over 40 between Monday evening and Tuesday morning) have been hilarious to say the least! Goodness, humor is such a beautiful thing. If you're my friend on Facebook and you're bored, feel free to read up on them...and add your own 2 cents. Or you could add me as your friend.
So back to my question: what do you think would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??
The other day, I was doing my assignment late @ night. I had to stay up late to do it because I had procastinated for so long and finally, I was doing it at the eleventh hour. Why do today what you can do tomorrow, right? Oh, well. But I digress. I was in my bedroom, minding my own laptop when I had to go pee. On my way back, I could not help but glance at the TV when I realized that Ocean's Eleven (a movie I've watched several times but still love watching) was playing. I decided to stay in the living room and do my assignment. That wasn't a very smart move, seeing as I finished my assignment at six in the morning. But anyway...
Like I said, it was late @ night - at about one or two in the morning. I must have seen at least three commercials of Extenze during the course of the movie. Extenze is a medication that is made for men to help extend their member. It enhances their "desire, pleasure, and performance." The makers of Extenze are apparently so confident in their work that they are willing to send a free bottle! All the man has to do is pay shipping and handling.
But being as Verastic as I am, I could not help but muster up some thoughts of my own: what would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??? Would certain body parts get bigger too? Would she suddenly grow hair in places she never knew she could grow hair on (like the sole of her feet and maybe her tongue)? Would her voice become deeper? Or wait, would she then begin to grow said member??? Questions, questions, questions. But who will answer them?
I've got an idea!! How about some ladies volunteer themselves for this experiment? Look @ it as your own contribution to science. Or don't you want your children to know more? We'll divide the group of women into two: half of them will take the actual medication, but the other half (unbeknownst to them) will take the placebo. My team of highly professional professionals will monitor them closely for adverse effects. I would have loved to take part in this sure-to-win-a-pulitzer-award research, but as the experimenter, it will be unwise - not to mention, unsafe - for me to take part in it. That will be considered going native. Besides, I want to do a purely observational research. So who's in? Don't make me start picking people myself!!!
For the guys, I'm sure you feel left out, and I'm sorry, but don't worry, I'll think of something for you. Ever wondered what it'd be like to wear a tampon?? No?? What about taking a birth control pill? Well, sit back and relax, I'll think of something really good for you guys. You're too good and too fine to be left out of history. In the meantime in between time, feel free to donate any of the following people to the cause of this scientific research: girlfriend(s), wife(ves), mother, grandmother(s), great grandmother(s), mother in-law, sister(s) in-law, ex-wife(ves), ex-fiancee(s), sister(s), ex-girlfriend(s), fiancee(s), female friend(s), female enemy(ies), female coworker(s), female boss(es), etc. Any female in fact!
P.S. My current status on Facebook says, 'Vera is wondering what will happen if a woman takes Extenze - the medication that extends a man's uhm...member." The responses (over 40 between Monday evening and Tuesday morning) have been hilarious to say the least! Goodness, humor is such a beautiful thing. If you're my friend on Facebook and you're bored, feel free to read up on them...and add your own 2 cents. Or you could add me as your friend.
So back to my question: what do you think would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The Milky One
I have always loved milk. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of tasty milk. Please note that I said 'tasty.' That means I was not a fan of soy milk or whatever other questionable milk they sold and still sell in stores.
I don't know what tasted better between fura de nono and peak milk. I know which one my mother was not in favor of: fura de nono. She gave me a list of diseases that I was sure to suffer if I kept on drinking fura de nono, but as a true daughter of my father (the man who sucked his own mother's breast until she died...@ about age 70), I could not be warned. As far as I was concerned, mom could have as well been talking to a rock because nothing she said could keep me away from my fura de nono!
Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono - unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa! That is an abominable act. Instead, I have channeled all my frustration to the next best thing: peak milk.
Therein lies the problem! When I wake up in the morning, I look like I'm six months pregnant, and I know it's an unnatural stomach. My stomach is not flat but I gauge it at night before going to bed. Then throughout the day, I release silent killers aka tear gas aka gases of mass destruction, better known as stinky farts everywhere I go. This isn't rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the culprit behind my plight: peak milk!
Sometimes, the farting occurs at night. Those are the worst. Oh, the horror! Sometimes, they're so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, 'Jesus!' or 'Blood of Jesus!' But after I get a whiff of the not-so-pleasant smell, I realize that the only thing I have to fear is well - myself. When one starts getting woken up by the thunderous sound of his or her own fart, then nsobu di kwa (there is trouble o).
So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance? I am not ready to give up peak milk o. And neither am I willing to attend a 12-step program called Peak Milk Addicts Anonymous. But I have to fix this. What will happen when I get married? I don't want my husband going to bed in the night with a flat tummy and waking up with a tummy that has risen like agege bread because he has inhaled all my you-know-what. Something tells me my in-laws will not appreciate it either. But then again, I guess he'll like the smell. It should be part of him since we'll be one, right?
Oh, God. I cannot wait for this husband of mine. There is soooooooooo much we have to explore! So many experiments to perform. So many questions to ask...and answer.
First question: what happens to hubby's tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey's gaseous waste?
p.s. I already drink Lactaid, but I can only use it for cold cereal (excluding garri).
I don't know what tasted better between fura de nono and peak milk. I know which one my mother was not in favor of: fura de nono. She gave me a list of diseases that I was sure to suffer if I kept on drinking fura de nono, but as a true daughter of my father (the man who sucked his own mother's breast until she died...@ about age 70), I could not be warned. As far as I was concerned, mom could have as well been talking to a rock because nothing she said could keep me away from my fura de nono!
Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono - unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa! That is an abominable act. Instead, I have channeled all my frustration to the next best thing: peak milk.
In case you're wondering why I think peak milk is the best, well, it's because it was, and still is - in my opinion anyway. The other milks like Nido, Coast, and especially Cowbell were no match for Peak. Speaking of cowbell, I suddenly remember my broke days in high school when the N10 satchet of cowbell milk was a gift of love to me. But I digress...
Therein lies the problem! When I wake up in the morning, I look like I'm six months pregnant, and I know it's an unnatural stomach. My stomach is not flat but I gauge it at night before going to bed. Then throughout the day, I release silent killers aka tear gas aka gases of mass destruction, better known as stinky farts everywhere I go. This isn't rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the culprit behind my plight: peak milk!
Sometimes, the farting occurs at night. Those are the worst. Oh, the horror! Sometimes, they're so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, 'Jesus!' or 'Blood of Jesus!' But after I get a whiff of the not-so-pleasant smell, I realize that the only thing I have to fear is well - myself. When one starts getting woken up by the thunderous sound of his or her own fart, then nsobu di kwa (there is trouble o).
So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance? I am not ready to give up peak milk o. And neither am I willing to attend a 12-step program called Peak Milk Addicts Anonymous. But I have to fix this. What will happen when I get married? I don't want my husband going to bed in the night with a flat tummy and waking up with a tummy that has risen like agege bread because he has inhaled all my you-know-what. Something tells me my in-laws will not appreciate it either. But then again, I guess he'll like the smell. It should be part of him since we'll be one, right?
Oh, God. I cannot wait for this husband of mine. There is soooooooooo much we have to explore! So many experiments to perform. So many questions to ask...and answer.
First question: what happens to hubby's tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey's gaseous waste?
p.s. I already drink Lactaid, but I can only use it for cold cereal (excluding garri).
Monday, December 08, 2008
Priceless! - Episode 2
Meeting a man without having to join some singles' network: + $300
Having said man ask you for your number: + $100
Realizing he has a good job and mentally calculating your future good life (come on, we all do it!): + $ 100, 000
Realizing he's a mighty good dancer: + $300 (You don't have to pay for dance classes)
Finding him kinda, sorta cute: + $1000 (you won't be ashamed to show up with him in public)
Realizing he @ least attends church: + $500 (you won't have to buy books to explain to him why church is imperative. And hopefully, he comprehends spirituality and being born again; if not, there are ways to change that....including but not limited to twisting of the arms, pulling of both ears, pinching of both nipples, sexual starvation, kicking of the groin, slapping of the cheeks, pointing of a gun to his head, violent smacking of his butt cheeks, etc....you get my drift. He'll come to Jesus after one or all of these).
Finding out he asked You and Your Friend out....and gave you both different names: PRICELESS
There are some things in life that money can't buy. For everything else, there is Mastercard....to pay for the private investigators who will investigate our toasters....and reveal a few things...like the probability of them asking our friends out!
FYI: Funmi is the one I'm talking about here. Sadly, I'm the other friend. Cruel, cruel world. lol. Please send all your condolences to Funmi; she's the one who thought he was cute .... and a good dancer ... and all that ish.
But in his defense, he didn't lie about his name. Let's say his name is Wesley. He told Funmi his name is 'Wes' and he told me his name is 'Lee.' So technically, he didn't lie. And he asked Funmi out first. So Funmi is the iyale and I'm the iyawo. Sebi that means I'm the hotter one?? Obviously, Funmi musta been doing something wrong. That's my story and I'm sticking 2 it!
Read Episode 1 of my priceless series HERE
Having said man ask you for your number: + $100
Realizing he has a good job and mentally calculating your future good life (come on, we all do it!): + $ 100, 000
Realizing he's a mighty good dancer: + $300 (You don't have to pay for dance classes)
Finding him kinda, sorta cute: + $1000 (you won't be ashamed to show up with him in public)
Realizing he @ least attends church: + $500 (you won't have to buy books to explain to him why church is imperative. And hopefully, he comprehends spirituality and being born again; if not, there are ways to change that....including but not limited to twisting of the arms, pulling of both ears, pinching of both nipples, sexual starvation, kicking of the groin, slapping of the cheeks, pointing of a gun to his head, violent smacking of his butt cheeks, etc....you get my drift. He'll come to Jesus after one or all of these).
Finding out he asked You and Your Friend out....and gave you both different names: PRICELESS
There are some things in life that money can't buy. For everything else, there is Mastercard....to pay for the private investigators who will investigate our toasters....and reveal a few things...like the probability of them asking our friends out!
FYI: Funmi is the one I'm talking about here. Sadly, I'm the other friend. Cruel, cruel world. lol. Please send all your condolences to Funmi; she's the one who thought he was cute .... and a good dancer ... and all that ish.
But in his defense, he didn't lie about his name. Let's say his name is Wesley. He told Funmi his name is 'Wes' and he told me his name is 'Lee.' So technically, he didn't lie. And he asked Funmi out first. So Funmi is the iyale and I'm the iyawo. Sebi that means I'm the hotter one?? Obviously, Funmi musta been doing something wrong. That's my story and I'm sticking 2 it!
Read Episode 1 of my priceless series HERE
Thursday, December 04, 2008
This Tropical Rain Forest Sha
I have been kinda busy lately. It's not been easy updating my blog, but I have tried to stay on top of things. I have not even had the time to blog-patrol as usual, and I apologize. Don't take my absence on your blog as anything personal. Time has just not really been on my side. When has it ever been? That being said, I hate to admit this sad, painful truth: I have let myself go! Now brace yourself as I intend to get very Verastic.
So on wednesday, I took my clothes off in front of my dresser. I was standing there completely nude when I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, ah...I thought I already took off my underwear." It took another glimpse for me to realize that what I thought was an underwear was not an underwear, but rather my pubic hair. Oturugbeke! When did it become this bad?????
I know I have been busy, but my goodness!! It's a black tropical rain forest down there. I don't know why I have so much hair; it's not like I'm planning on growing my own weave or something, so what the heck is going on? It is a wonder that my sponge has not gotten tangled yet. This is really mind-boggling. When did all this hair grow? It's really weird for me because I actually groom frequently, and besides, I'm not even a hairy person, so it takes a long time for my hair to grow. The fact that I have so much hair there makes me feel like I have not groomed in months. Oh, goodness... has it really been months???
If I had a husband, this would be the time he would have asked in a serious, matter-of-fact tone, "Vera, are you trying to grow dada (dread locks) down there?" But alas, there is no husband, so I must witness this abomination alone. Of course, I have gotten rid of the tropical rain forest. I am now so fresh and so clean. Luckily for me, I did not need the services of a professional lawn mower, neither did I need a bull dozer to get rid of the fallen trees (strands of hair).
Oh, and by the way, I took a picture of the tropical rain forest and sent it to Busola & Funmi for their viewing pleasure. Hehehehe. The last time I sent such a ridiculous picture, it was a picture of my poop, and I sent it because it (the poop) was unusually long. Busola happened to open the picture while she was eating. Let's just say she has since banned me from sending picture messages to her phone. lol. But did that stop me? Nope?? Although, I'm now kinda wishing I didn't....
My people, please help me beg Busola ooo! She is threatening to show her husband a picture of my pubis. Busola, stop it oooo! And she's saying she'll take the picture to work to show everyone. They already think I'm crazy @ her job because she keeps telling them ridiculous stories of me. Busola, I'm sorry!!! Biko, don't do this thing you're threatening to do oh; it will ruin my reputation. And Funmi is in support of this evil. Sooooo not funny!!! Busola said I should have thought about my reputation b4 sending the picture. Kai... how I go take do damage control?
So on wednesday, I took my clothes off in front of my dresser. I was standing there completely nude when I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, ah...I thought I already took off my underwear." It took another glimpse for me to realize that what I thought was an underwear was not an underwear, but rather my pubic hair. Oturugbeke! When did it become this bad?????
I know I have been busy, but my goodness!! It's a black tropical rain forest down there. I don't know why I have so much hair; it's not like I'm planning on growing my own weave or something, so what the heck is going on? It is a wonder that my sponge has not gotten tangled yet. This is really mind-boggling. When did all this hair grow? It's really weird for me because I actually groom frequently, and besides, I'm not even a hairy person, so it takes a long time for my hair to grow. The fact that I have so much hair there makes me feel like I have not groomed in months. Oh, goodness... has it really been months???
If I had a husband, this would be the time he would have asked in a serious, matter-of-fact tone, "Vera, are you trying to grow dada (dread locks) down there?" But alas, there is no husband, so I must witness this abomination alone. Of course, I have gotten rid of the tropical rain forest. I am now so fresh and so clean. Luckily for me, I did not need the services of a professional lawn mower, neither did I need a bull dozer to get rid of the fallen trees (strands of hair).
Oh, and by the way, I took a picture of the tropical rain forest and sent it to Busola & Funmi for their viewing pleasure. Hehehehe. The last time I sent such a ridiculous picture, it was a picture of my poop, and I sent it because it (the poop) was unusually long. Busola happened to open the picture while she was eating. Let's just say she has since banned me from sending picture messages to her phone. lol. But did that stop me? Nope?? Although, I'm now kinda wishing I didn't....
My people, please help me beg Busola ooo! She is threatening to show her husband a picture of my pubis. Busola, stop it oooo! And she's saying she'll take the picture to work to show everyone. They already think I'm crazy @ her job because she keeps telling them ridiculous stories of me. Busola, I'm sorry!!! Biko, don't do this thing you're threatening to do oh; it will ruin my reputation. And Funmi is in support of this evil. Sooooo not funny!!! Busola said I should have thought about my reputation b4 sending the picture. Kai... how I go take do damage control?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Not A Real Update, I Know...
First of all, I would like 2 apologize 2 the crew for not being able to put up my 'I Believe In God' post. I have been really busy and even more tired. This blog was supposed to have been updated since Sunday, November 30th, but because of how tired I've been....well, you know the rest.
Also, I'd like 2 publicly apologize to Geisha.Song for not having sent in my record-breaking, eardrum-blasting, platinum-winning single (aka my Christmas carol). I hope it's not too late. I'd still wanna shock people with the horror of my singing. I tell you, you'll be so shocked @ how badly a person can suck @ singing. But I console myself with the fact that I'm not as bad as the rest (Busola, Funmi, & Uju).
Lastly, I'd like to tell you all that I had a fabulous weekend. I met three ridiculously goodlooking bloggers: one thing is for sure....we have to do this again! Dave & Busters, anyone???
Now, excuse me while I straighten a few things out. I'll be right back.
Also, I'd like 2 publicly apologize to Geisha.Song for not having sent in my record-breaking, eardrum-blasting, platinum-winning single (aka my Christmas carol). I hope it's not too late. I'd still wanna shock people with the horror of my singing. I tell you, you'll be so shocked @ how badly a person can suck @ singing. But I console myself with the fact that I'm not as bad as the rest (Busola, Funmi, & Uju).
Lastly, I'd like to tell you all that I had a fabulous weekend. I met three ridiculously goodlooking bloggers: one thing is for sure....we have to do this again! Dave & Busters, anyone???
Now, excuse me while I straighten a few things out. I'll be right back.
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