Dear Boyfriend, Will You Give Me Your Password?

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your e-mail account? Yes, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all five of my e-mail accounts, but still, I'd like to check up on yours - every now and then. Although I'll probably not even have the time to do so, I'd like to know that if I were to wake up one morning feeling a little unsafe or unsure about our relationship... and I were to feel compelled to check up on your e-mail account, I would have the access to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your phone? I promise I won't reply any text message - no matter how questionable I might find it. I just want to know who is texting you and what she is writing. I'm curious about who is calling you and how long you spend talking to her. I won't pick up your calls - unless you're not there and I feel it necessary to take the calls. If that happens, I promise not to be rude. I have no intention to listen to your voicemail, but I hope you won't mind if I become curious enough to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the pin to your bank account? I don't want to withdraw your money. I don't want to steal from you. It'll just make me feel closer to you, safer with you, and more intimate with you . I'll feel as though I know another part of you. Men hardly share their financial truths, right? Share yours with me; I just want to know, that's all. If I see that you spent a ridiculous amount of money at Victoria's Secret - even though I never received any gift(s) from Victoria's Secret - I would gulp and believe you spent it all on your sister.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your Facebook account? Each time I check your profile and see that you have recently become friends with one girl or the other, I cannot help but wonder who she is and what she wants from you. I find myself wondering what you have in your inbox. Who sends you mails via facebook? What does she write to you? I'd like to know. I'm not one of those girlfriends. I won't go replying your e-mails. But I'd like to know who is e-mailing you and why.

Dear Boyfriend, will you give me your password?

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Now, before you all start including Mr. Shoes in your prayer requests and asking Baba God to deliver him from the paranoid Vera, I should clarify that what you read above isn't about me ... and is especially not about Mr. Shoes. It's about what we'll be discussing on Saturday on Verastically Speakin.' We're calling it Password Keeper. Tell me: would you share your password(s) with your significant other? The show will air LIVE on Saturday, October 31st 2009 - 10:00am U.S. EST / 3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time. Join us. But before you do, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you, darlings.

Listen to the show LIVE on Saturday HERE

Send e-mails about the show to radio@verastic.com

Call me: 1.443.934.9039

Call the show during the LIVE segment: 1.646.929.1905

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One more thing...I'd like to think that I have mentioned it before, but perhaps, I have not mentioned it enough: For every Verastically Speakin' show, I need a co-host. The list of shows on the left sidebar is there to let everyone know what's coming up and what I need a co-host for. If the show has been scheduled and there's no name listed as the co-host, it means I need one. If the show has not yet been scheduled [one of those ones listed below the scheduled shows] but you think you'd like to co-host it, let me know, so we can work something out asap. Lastly, I welcome show ideas .... thank you.

radio@verastic.com <<<>>> 1.443.934.9039

My Honeymoon And I

So the post about my 17-day fun ignited a question: Did Mr. Shoes and I get married and go on our honeymoon?

Uhm... no!!!!

Frankly, I am hurt, shocked, and disappointed that you would even think that. What kind of honeymoon lasts for 17 days? Not mine!! I have decided that my honeymoon will last for one year and will include 12 to 15 countries. That's my plan for now. I just might increase it to 18 months. That way, by the time hubby and I are coming back from the honeymoon, we'll also have Junior (or Juniors) in tote. How convenient! The idea of not knowing where, when, or how Junior (or Juniors) will be conceived totally excites me. The idea of not knowing where Junior (or Juniors) will be given birth to is also very exciting. I keep saying Juniors because I intend on having a set of confusingly identical twin boys, remember?

A 17-day honeymoon just wouldn't be enough to accomplish all that I plan on accomplishing - although I currently do not know what it is that I plan on accomplishing. Not to worry, I have time to come up with a list. **Hint, hint** All vacation resorts are welcome to send me free one week trial packages. Did anyone say Sandals?

A honeymoon is a vacation, and while on a vacation, you are not supposed to be working. Instead, you are supposed to be relaxing. And while you are on a honeymoon, you and your spouse are supposed to what --- have all the uninterrupted sex you can have before facing reality where bills, mortgage, work, the postman, and friends like Funmie can "break" your "flow" ... I think I just totally broke my own flow with the image of the uninterrupted sex + Funmie. Tsk. Tsk. Something about that line just didn't flow too well with me. I'll start over in the next paragraph.

So considering that while you are on a honeymoon, you are your spouse are supposed to have all the uninterrupted sex you can afford before life truly begins .... nah .... this line still does not work. I think it's because I just keep writing about uninterrupted sex for no reason. What I should really be writing is >>> Considering that I want my honeymoon to last for twelve to eighteen months, I have the following questions [Aha! This line works a lot better. Where did all that sex talk come from?]:

1. While we're honeymooning, will I update Verastically Livin? Or will it lay fallow for 12 to 18 months?
2. What will happen to Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio?
3. Who will pay our bills at home?
4. Will we even have a home to return to after the honeymoon?
5. While on the honeymoon, will I be able to get my boiled yam + egg stew fix?
6. Will I be able to get my cheerios fix?
7. What about lactose-free milk? I wouldn't want to fart hubby to oblivion. Oh, wait --- I would want to actually fart him to oblivion. Issue number 7 is henceforth a non issue.
8. How many new pairs of shoes will I be able to acquire while on the honeymoon?
9. Will I even have the money to acquire new pairs of shoes?
10. At what point will the 12 - 18 month honeymoon stop feeling like a honeymoon and start feeling more like real life? After the first two weeks?

I guess I'll answer these questions when the time comes. For now, I'll like to clarify that I am not engaged to Mr. Shoes or any other man - although I used to fantasize about being engaged to Chidi Boyle, a fictional character from my yet-to-be-written story. This is probably not a bad time to write about him. Until then, I'm currently accepting CASH donations for my honeymoon. Thank you.

What's The Real Problem Here?

Yesterday, I put up a question on my Facebook status, You tell me: Was the 'District 9' movie insulting to Nigerians? I got no response whatsoever, and let me tell you, that was very unusual. My Facebook statuses never go without being replied. So I posed the question differently, Nobody wants to comment on the District 9 movie. What if I ask about your favorite position during sex then? Aha!! I am proud to say that I now have 23 comments ... and still counting. Of course, I don't really care to know of anyone's favorite sex position - although I did learn of some positions, namely: the foggy style, the mirror of pleasing, the amazon, and the trapeze - but I got them talking about District 9.

Unfortunately, this post is not about sex positions either. Despite your preference, it's about District 9. Read and digest carefully...as this is what we will be discussing on the talk show tomorrow morning. If you have seen the movie, then you know why it's such a big issue. If you have not seen the movie, you've probably heard of it. If you have not heard of it, you'll thank me later - hopefully.

So at some point during District 9, Nigerian gangsters were involved. The gangsters were headed by a man called Obesandjo, although the Nigerian critics of the movie swear that the man is actually called Obasanjo, and he was, of course, named after our former president whom we all love very, very much. Other complaints are listed below:

• The Nigerian characters were not Nigerian enough - or at all. I actually read this complaint on Funmi Iyanda's blog. She's quite passionate about it.
• Someone told me the writer and director of the movie, Neill Blomkamp is a racist.
• The Nigerians were portrayed as cannibals (because Obesandjo ate aliens).
• It's unrealistic for a Nigerian gangster to have a female witch doctor because "we are too blatantly sexist." This, too, I read on Funmi Iyanda's blog.
• Nigerians were portrayed as scammers ... and we all know that no Nigerian will ever, EVER do something that low!
• Nigerians were portrayed as people who are into paranormal, diabolical things. Again, we all know that we will never stoop so low!
• The Nigerian females were taking part in inter-species prostitution.
• The movie is owned by Sony - the makers of the ad that hit Nigerians below the belt. **gasp** It must be a conspiracy.

There are probably more complaints, but it's past 12am, and this is all I have been able to remember at this time of the day night. In case you didn't know, Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili, our honorable Minister of Information, the woman who has been proudly rebranding Nigeria had the movie banned in Nigeria ... because well ... we wouldn't want to corrupt our children with such filth! (My words, not hers). You've probably figured out by now that lots of Nigerians have boycotted the movie. It's during times like this that true love shows. Who would have known that Nigeria loves Obesandjo this much???

Have I written enough to get you thinking? Good. The show will be LIVE tomorrow at 10am U.S. EST [3pm GMT/Nigerian time]. I have a wonderful, wonderful co-host, Nonso. He's my go-to guy for everything comic-bookish and sci-fi. I have never met anyone who is this crazy about this stuff. So yes, he's my co-host. I have a feeling that Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili will not like what he has to say. Maybe she'll call into the show??

Oh. It has come to my attention that in my quest to remain objective on the show, I have slowly but surely stopped talking on my own talk show. Crazy, I know. Apparently, all I do is take phone calls. Well, that's over. Starting from tomorrow, I will talk... darn it!! I have a mouth, and it's not afraid to speak. **Swallows gulp of spit** If anyone knows the SSS in Nigeria, please tell them not to capture me when I land. Tell them I did not mean whatever I am about to say tomorrow, but if they insist, tell them Nonso (my co-host) said it. I have his address, phone number, and picture.

To listen to the show tomorrow (at 10am U.S. EST/3pm Nigerian/GMT time), click HERE. Call 1.646.929.1905 anytime during the show (which lasts for 90 minutes) to join the conversation. E-mail radio@verastic.com with your comments and questions; I'll read them out during the show. Also, please, please, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar, and no, I won't be able to tell who you are or what you voted for. Thank you.

Here's a little piece of literature about Nigeria and District 9 that is sure to touch you - I'm not sure how. Click HERE to read.

And lastly, enjoy this video. Again, it's something that is sure to touch you.... and I don't know how either. Let's reconvene tomorrow and discuss it, shall we? :-)

Disclaimer: I am not sleeping with Neill Blomkamp. Neither has he paid me. I won't mind if he does.... pay me, that is.

Party Over Here.... Party Over There...

That's what the past 17 days of my life has felt like: party, party, party! Or let me rephrase it, "Fun, fun, fun!!!" Yes, Sir! I have actually been having fun. I, Vera Ezimora whose only known method of fun used to be weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, movies, and bowling. Yes, I have now evolved to a new level of fun - the type of fun where I hop on a plane and fly to a place where they paint their homes pink and yellow. Happy, happy place, it seems. Nothing compared to the red brick buildings in Maryland. But I digress.

Let me tell you what I was able to accomplish in the past 17 days - some in Maryland, and some in other places:

• I went jet skiing for the first time in my life.
• I attended a Nigerian Independence party that was really nice. I got to dance with the DJ whom I found rather sexy. I could not take my eyes off him, so I had to dance with him. I'm all better now.
• Managed to catch a cold - somehow. I'm still coughing. Mr. Shoes forced me to drink all sorts of tea - including something that smelled like Theraflu - even though it was called tea.
• That's his hand there, so he can't say he didn't do it, and that's the theraflu-smelling tea
• Went to a Lebanese restaurant and had a shawarma pita sandwich for the first time
• 
  
• Was taken on a surprise trip [by Mr. Shoes] to a private resort. I'm still shivering. I've never been anywhere that nice before, and on that note, Mr. Shoes needs to be warned to stop calling me Mgbeke before I arrange a street beating for him. Funmi suggested that I steal the curtains from the room and bring them back to Baltimore. I did consider it, but they were heavy. They would have made my luggage go past fifty pounds.
• I found out that even with high heels and a huge scarf, Mr. Shoes is still taller than me.
• I learnt how to use Goal Seek on Microsoft Excel. Let me rephrase that: I had an assignment that prompted me to use Goal Seek. Mr. Shoes taught me how to do it. And no, I don't know how to do it, so don't bother asking, but yes, I turned in my assignment.J
• I attended an Island Carnival [for the first time in my life] where I saw these really long dreads. Wonder how long it took him to grow them.

• Ms. Flow showed up at some point. It's never complete unless it gets bloody. You can say I had a bloody fun time. Hehe.
• I went swimming. Mr. Shoes might beg to differ. He'll probably say, "She went standing in the pool..." Well, whatever. I got into the pool. I got wet. That's it. I went swimming. End of the story.
• While Mr. Shoes and I walked down the hallway, he was being bad - whatever that means - so I spanked his behind. Imagine our shock when we heard a lady's voice behind us, "Go 'head, gurl... spank it!!!" Well, at that point, I had no choice but to spank it.
• I got my butt and my ego severely bruised by Mr. Shoes in several games of WHOT. He straight up kicked my behind. In my defense, I have not played the game in years. These losses should not be held against me.
• I guzzled more La Creme yogurts than I care to remember. That yogurt is from heaven. Angel Gabriel's wife must have whipped it up herself.
• I was told by Mr. Shoes that the relationship between me and my breasts would have to change. He claims I was touching them while we were at the post office. Where's the proof??
• I ate the best ora soup, cooked by Princess U. Speaking of Princess U, she still owes me a pot of peppersoup. I have not forgotten.
• I watched and listened to friends do some deafening karaoke. Unfortunately, no Advil liquigels or earplugs were close by.J
• I watched the movie, Couple's Retreat with Mr. Shoes. After that, I realized that we might need to attend a retreat of our own to learn how to keep up with each other. I need to be on roller skates to be able to keep up with his walking. Either that, or we continue the way we've been doing it: I hang on to his right arm and run along with him while he walks.
• Poster courtesy of www.allmovieposter.com

• I made new friends.
• I ran into Mr. Kisser and pretended not to know who the heck he was.
• I finally got to knead some dough.

Fun enough for you? Considering the amount of fun I'm accustomed to having - which is really not a lot - I'd say I have had enough new fun to last me the entire year and then some, but I won't mind having more of this type of fun, of course --- especially the spanking butt part of it. Good stuff.

Verastically Speakin': Hope everyone is looking forward to the show on Saturday - The Nigerians Did It? We'll be talking about the Sony PS3 ad and the District 9 movie. I'm going to see the movie later today. I have a fantabulous co-host!! Can't wait to talk with him on Saturday. Yippee! If you have questions/comments for the show, now is the time to send them in radio@verastic.com. See you at 10am U.S. EST (3pm GMT).

P.S. I know it's late, but please do the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you!!

I Love You, Tomorrow

Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should not even be saying that I love tomorrow. Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should be dreading it and wishing it will never, ever make it here, but if tomorrow doesn't come, neither will next tomorrow, and all the other days that I hope for.

I liken it to cooking a pot of goat peppersoup from scratch. By scratch, I mean, the goat is still alive. So first, you have to kill the goat, roast it to burn off its fur, cut its meat into pieces, etc, you get the point .... before you actually start cooking. It may be a lot of work, but when you get to the end, the result is pure bliss, no? Of course, by then, you might be too tired too eat, but let's not factor that into this analogy, or it will ruin it for me. Oh, and I realize that the idea of killing and roasting a goat might not be very appealing to vegetarians and the animal whatever-they-call-themselves, but please, I'm Nigerian. We kill and eat goat meat. Deal with it.

My point? I'm not very happy about what will be happening tomorrow. But I know that tomorrow would have to happen in order for all the other plans to also come to pass - all by God's Grace. So I welcome tomorrow with open arms - not because of what she will bring me, but because of what the days after her will bring. Is there anyone else who is not looking forward to tomorrow? Just me then? Okay.

Speaking of tomorrow, Verastically Speakin' will not be airing live this Saturday. I'll be back on the 24th of October 2009 with The Nigerians Did It. We'll be talking about the Sony PS3 commercial (which I have embedded below) and the District 9 movie - which I unfortunately cannot embed, especially if I want to keep Verastically Livin running. You know how it is.

I Am Sorry

So I was supposed to update yesterday. What the heck happened? It has been quite a while since I missed an update. I knew I was due to update, and I just kept telling myself that I had to update, but somehow, the day just went by, and before I knew it, it was midnight, and Tuesday was upon me.

I don't quite have much to say. Either that, or I actually do have a lot to say but have not organized my thoughts in a way that will be coherent to you. I think the latter is the case. The point is that right now, I will have to leave you high and dry - almost - but not completely. Too much has been going on, and there has been so little time to have it all written down. In the mean time in between time, here's a picture from an Island carnival I attended on Sunday in downtown Miami. Was my first carnival. Never seen so many people go buck wild. Nawa oo. What's funnier and crazier is that I was told (by our friend from Trinidad & Tobago) that the carnival in downtown Miami was small compared to the real one in Trinidad. What?!?! And apparently, that one is wilder too. Whew. Doubt if you'll be seeing me there anytime soon. I've always known that there is so much life and culture that I am yet to experience, but attending this carnival just made it even more obvious.

This girl was a very determined dancer. She just kept on going like the energizer bunny.

A bunch of paraders.

I'll be back to update. This time, I'll be on time. Promise.

P.S. Someone wanted information about Okechukwu Ofili's scholarship website info. I asked Okechukwu, and this is the website he gave me www.chaynge.org Hope this helps! If not, let me know. I'll be happy to help in whatever way I can.

So About This Sex Thing...

Sex Thing....

not

Sexting

*ahem* Just had to clarify that. You know how you can get.J

Are you ready for tomorrow? Are you ready to hear me, Ekene Agabu, NaijaBloke, and Nkechinyere battle it out about sex (to have it or not) on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

Again, I feel compelled to explain here: we will not be battling out if all four of us should have sex on Verastically Speakin - during the show. What I meant was --- it's a talk radio show, and during the show, we will talk about sex. You get? Great.

Have you participated in the poll? It's on the top right side bar. Thank you. I feel compelled to say a lot of things today. Right now, I feel compelled to ask: you do know that whatever you vote is anonymous, right? I have no way of knowing who you are or how you voted. Okay. That's all I'm going to say on that.

So the show is going to be on Saturday, October 10th 2009. Yeap, that's tomorrow.

To listen, go here: www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic

Time: 10am U.S. EST (3pm GMT / 3pm Nigerian time).

To call into the show: 1.646.929.1905

If you have comments/questions/suggestions: radio@verastic.com

Need to reach me via telephone before or after the show: 1.443.934.9039

Follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/verastic

Connect on Facebook: www.facebook.com/verastic

Verastically Speakin' Group on Facebook: Click HERE

Miss Jayla had another interesting Tweminar yesterday about tomorrow's show, but even more interesting is that she did the same poll (yes, the very same one here), but the difference in results between her poll and mine are staggering. You can view the poll HERE.

Alright folks.... bring it all on!!!

Sex, Sex, Sex!!!

Sex is such an interesting, diverse, and complicated topic. Although it's a three letter word, it's often treated as a four letter word. SEX. If my blog were a sex blog and I had to blog about sex everyday, I still would not run out of things to say about it. Sex goes beyond the positions taken and minutes spent while doing it. A critical question one should ask is: Should I even have sex?

In relationships (marriage excluded), sometimes, sex is included, other times, it isn't. It has continued to be a controversial topic: to have sex or not? When to have sex? With whom to have sex? What kind of sex to have? Where to have sex? Naturally, these are not the questions you ask mom's advise for.

I can just hear it now, "Mom, there's something I need your advise on. Mr. Shoes and I have been having a hard time deciding where to have sex. I think we should do it on the roof of the primary school at the end of the road, but he'd rather we hang from a chandelier. What do you think?"

If my mom is still the mom I have known for the past XX years, then I can expect the following (in no particular order): She'll throw her shoes at me; she'll throw her big bag with the heavy metal thing on me; she'll throw her long umbrella at me, pick it up, and beat me with it; she'll beat me with both of her hands all over my body; she'll slap my face, especially my mouth; she'll call me all sorts of names (idiot, anuofia [bush animal], ekwensu [devil], otolo gba gi [honestly, I still don't know the meaning of this insult. What is otolo?], bloody fool, bullshit [yes, she will call me a bullshit], onye ala [mad person] ... and the list goes on.

On that note, I won't have this discussion with mom - for two reasons:

1. Mom is one of those small but mighty people. She is more than able to do all that I have said she will probably do --- and much more.

2. Mr. Shoes and I do not have that dilemma. That's actually Funmie's dilemma. Don't tell her I wrote it here.

Why is all this even important? Three reasons.

1. Verastically Speakin' will be tackling sex within relationships on Saturday, October 10th 2009. And because of how fun it will be, we will dedicate two hours (instead of 1.5 hours) to it. The co-hosts are Ekene Agabu and NaijaBloke. If you do visit Bloke's blog, please tell him to update.

2. There is a poll on the top right side bar. Help us out.

3. We need a female co-host to balance it out. Inquire within AKA radio@verastic.com or 1.443.934.9039

P.S. "Sex within relationships" does not include marriage, one night stands, being friends with benefits, sex buddies, 'kicking it,' etc. It only applies to being in a committed relationship that happens to include sex.

Go HERE to set up your reminders. Once again, the show will air on Saturday, October 10th 2009 at 10:00 am U.S. EST time/ 3:00 pm GMT / 3:00 pm Nigerian time.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions about this show, send them ASAP [as in IMMEDIATELY] to radio@verastic.com

It's Not What It Looks Like

Yes, it's not what it looks like. I can explain. I usually update my blog at about midnight (U.S. Eastern time) because then, it feels like I have updated at the beginning of the day. But it's already past 5pm right now, which means it's also past 10pm GMT and past 10pm Nigerian time. Ah... most of the day is gone already. I know it might look like I did not update this blog early enough, but it's not what it looks like; I can explain. Of course, I can.

You see...

First, I was amazed by this valley of clouds

Then I was mesmerized by this pillar of clouds...

And then ... this mountain of clouds captivated me...

Does anyone else feel like just dropping on these clouds? Sincerely, Tempur-Pedic Bed must have nothing on these clouds' comfort!! I'm now working on how to build vacation homes - or maybe just vacation spaces - on the clouds - where people can just come and well --- vacation. Any architects want to take this project up????

So yes, I was suspended several thousand feet in the air when I took this picture. My camera phone does not do it justice. The clouds, as you can imagine, look way better in person. Wish I could take a little bit back home as souvenir.

As you can clearly see, there is a perfectly legitimate explanation for why this post did not appear earlier.