Biko Nu, I Am NOT Pregnant!!!

So, my last post about my mysterious hard nipples got more pregnancy-related comments than I cared to have. I currently do not care to have any. I now feel the need to come back and explain further. At the beginning of the post, I said, "Lately, my nipples have become advanced ..." I should have explained that by lately, I meant, Since December 2009 or thereabout. If I were pregnant ... oh, never mind! I don't even know why I'm entertaining this thought. 

Secondly, there are two questions (from commenters) that I promised I would come back and respond to. Today is the day.


Anonymous 3 commented, "Hi Vera, I totally understand what you are going through. Have you tried nipple covers? (I hope that is what they are called?) It can be a bit of wahala. Info on any other thing you have tried will be indeed helpful."


My response: No, I have not tried nipple covers. Per what else I have done, well, my breasts are not small (Femi, shut up in advance!), so I try to stay away from padded bras. Anything that will make them appear bigger is not in my best interest. On that note, for the sake of my hard nipples, I have gone against my preference and worn padded bras anyway. But these nipples, when they become hard, there's no repressing them. They get really hard and really big. Graphic, I know. I have worn double layers of clothing, and I have tried my best to stay away from the cold, but all attempts have been null and void. When they do get hard, I usually press them down with my thumbs. This, of course, is an action that can only be done in private.


Rethots commented, "'...what I say in response to this question...' maybe you should just say."


My response: When people see my hard nipples and ask, "But Vera, what are you thinking about?" Sometimes, I try to give a genuine answer. I say something like, "Oh, nothing. It's just the cold." Or "Nothing. They're just acting up." And of course, sometimes, I laugh and say, "It's not what you're thinking." When I say this, the asker then adds, "How do you know what I'm thinking?" Either way, the asker keeps winking and his/her eyebrows continue to go up and down rapidly.


P.S. If you have not heard, Aloofa has threatened that if he does not see a picture of my nipples when he comes back to my blog, he will start a movement. It will be called the People's Democratic Front for the Viewing Of Vera's Glorious Nipples (PDFVVGN).


...And all I'm thinking is, he called them glorious J


Glorious: Magnificent, Splendid, Wonderful, Celebrated, Superb, Famous.


Why don't we all try to pretend not to know the implication of a pair of nipples being famous? Again, let's remember that Aloofa called them glorious! (Without the exclamation mark, but I'm sure he was thinking it).

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter 

The Debaters: Voting Lines Are Open!

A while ago, I told you about the premiere of season two of The Debaters. Well, they're still on ... and their voting lines are open! Go vote for your favorite debater.

The Debaters is a TV reality show which involves 14 talkmates. 7 males and 7 females will go head to head against one another in the battle of words for the title, "The Debater of the year 2010"

More about The Debaters.

The Mysterious Case Of Vera Ezimora's Hard Nipples

Lately, my nipples have become advanced. They're like Vera's nipples 2.0! They seem to have evolved and gotten technologically, environmentally, emotionally, crazily in tune with the higher powers of Nipple-o-city. In other words, they have become very sensitive to everything, and I don't know why. Sometimes, I don't even know what everything means.

Naturally, these nipples get hard when the temperature drops around them --- like when I step outside and it's cold, like when the air conditioner stays on longer than it should, or like when I hang around the ice cream aisle too long. Sometimes, a chilling story can have the same effect on them --- like when I heard the story about the  burnt-face man who was blessed with a gorgeous wife, but for whatever reason, could not (still cannot) control his libido around other women. That's a chilling story, no?

Lately, however, my nipples have gone buck wild. They no longer get hard during these isolated times. They seem to get hard every time. I don't even know what compels them anymore. Whether it's hot or cold, they are hard. Whether I'm hearing a chilling story or watching a political ad campaign, they still get hard. In the comfort of my bedroom and in the congregation of my church, they get hard. Under a polyester bra and under a thick padded bra, they get hard ... and still manage to poke through my layers of clothes.

It has now become a matter of embarrassment. Those that know about my condition are constantly watching out for their hardness - which naturally, happens at the most inappropriate places and at the most inappropriate times.  It's only when I see the strange stares or hear the muffled giggles that I realize my two puppies are out there, sending a message that I have not told them to send.

And, of course, I sometimes get the subjective question, "But Vera, what are you thinking about?" No matter what I say in response to this question, I am already guilty in the eyes of my asker, which is always evident by the smile on his/her face and the rapid up-and-down movement of his/her eyebrows. It's almost a rhetorical question because the asker swears he/she already knows what is on my mind. There's apparently no thought on the face of the earth that would make a girl's nipples hard --- apart from thoughts of sex. Or thoughts of him - whoever he may be. He just may be Jesus, but no one would believe that anyway.

I could keep doing what I have been doing to reduce my embarrassment: crossing my arms across my chest. But I can only sit or stand in this position for so long. So what's a girl to do? Putting a picture up would have been splendid, I'm sure, but we're trying to reduce my humiliation here.

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Tomorrow On Moments With Mo: A Match Made In Heaven

Where would you go to find love? Well, that's the million dollar question. If I knew the answer, I'd be wrapped in my husband's arms right now, would I not? One place that has worked out for quite a number of people is the internet. Yes, the world wide web has proven to be a place for realizing dreams ... even marital ones. 

If the internet can help would-have-been-ordinary-people to become superstars, then why not soul mates. Of course, the thought of getting one's soul mate at the click of a button does question every norm we have about finding soul mates.  The only problem now, it seems, is that there are too many ways to meet your soul mate online. Dating sites like eHarmony.com and match.com? Social networks like Facebook and Twitter? Chat rooms? Apps like Blackberry Messenger? 

Mo, Jerome, and Guests discuss relationships.

This week, watch as a couple recounts their happily-ever-after tale and gives the details of how their online romance blossomed into blissful matrimony.  From cyber dating to speed dating, Join Mo as she uncovers  the most fascinating and most unconventional love stories!

Watch this episode of Moments With Mo tomorrow, Tuesday, October 26th 2010 on Mnet West Africa at 9:30pm.  If you miss it tomorrow, you can watch a repeat episode on Wednesday, October 27th 2010 at 2:00pm, and on Saturday, October 30th 2010 (all on Mnet West Africa).  Happy viewing 

J

 

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Nothing Here

In order not to receive the Vera-I-cannot-believe-you-did-not-update e-mails from loyal readers, I am hereby being proactive by putting up a

I-don't-have-much-to-say-right-now-because-I'm-preparing-for-a-church-play-tomorrow-and-I'm-really-nervous post.

I'll be right back J

Men In Love

*** MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!!!***

If you have not seen this movie and do not want any spoilers, please exit this post STAT ... by viewing my wish list.

If you have not seen this movie, and would like to see a preview first before deciding if you want to read this post, then skip to the end for a video preview.

If you have not seen this movie and do not care either way, then please, be my guest.

*************************************************************

So I watched the "highly anticipated" Nollywood flick, Men In Love. As you know, all Nollywood movies are highly anticipated. By who? They alone know, but that is by the way.

Having seen the preview before watching the movie, I already knew that at some point, John Dumelo and Muna Obiekwe would be caught doing the nasty. What I did not know was how they would get to that point, and so, I set off to watch this movie, clearly curious.

Plot: Whitney (Tonto Dikeh) is married to Charles (John Dumelo), a rich business man who has a problem with slipping into women other than his wife. After Whitney walks in on him and yet another mistress, she beats the crap out of her and breaks a bottle on her head. Repentant,  Charles vows to be changed man. One day, he bumps into his old friend from college, Alex (Muna Obiekwe). They hang out and reconnect. Alex tells Charles that he's gay. Charles is shocked, but not shocked enough to stay away after Alex starts coming on to him. Charles swears he's a straight man - of course - who has never been and will never be gay - of course.

Alex plays the if-we-can't-be-lovers-let's-be-friends card and invites Charles to his house for a party. Charles honors his invitation (without his wife) - smart move. Alex drugs Charles' drink, and after Charles falls asleep, Alex has his way with him. Some of you may know this as rape. In this case, I'd prefer to call it anal rape.

Charles wakes up in the morning, angry, punches Alex in the face and walks away... only to come back a couple of days later saying he wants Alex as his lover. Fast-forward to Charles and Alex being full blown lovers. Secret lovers, of course. Whitney has no clue. Alex moves into Charles house because his house is under some alleged construction. Charles begins to ignore Whitney. Fast-forward again to Whitney walking into Charles' office and finding her husband getting it from the back ... from another man.

Heartbroken, Whitney moves out of the house. But one day, she spots Charles and Alex at the store and she realizes that her husband is not happy. The Pastor confirms her fears. 

What fears, you ask? Oh, well, apparently, Alex had used juju to to make Charles gay. I mean, what other explaination could there possibly be? Men do not just sleep with other men! The Pastor comes to the house and prays. There is a power point sound effect, and va-va-voom, Charles is miraculously cured of his gayism. [Somebody, shout a thunderous Alleluia!] And they lived happily ever after. Oh, and Alex is sent to jail. The movie made it a point to let all you watchers - especially the secretly gay ones - that being caught in a homosexual act in Nigeria is a crime. I like it when they reiterate the Nigerian law in their movies ... like when they make statements like, "419 is a crime and the EFCC will not stand for it!" or "no one is above the law."  Psshhht, please! As if! 

I don't know about you, but I was utterly, completely, absolutely disappointed in this movie. It was actually a good script --- until that last part. It may be 2010, but we have not moved past blaming juju for everything that does not add up in our lives.  Why couldn't Charles just be a man who was doing it on the down low? Men like him exist everywhere --- including Nigeria where acts of homosexuality are apparently criminal. If you're going to make a movie about anything - homosexuality included - do it well.

The movie was written by Chisom Juliet Okereke, and let me tell you, sister, that's some jacked up mess you did at the end of the movie! I demand a refund of my time.

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Toni Braxton The Maxton

I know Toni Braxton sang the Unbreak My Heart song, but right now, she needs to unbreak the American economy. $50, 000, 000 in debt?!?!?!?!?! That's 7, 612, 500, 000. 00 in naira! If you're having half a hard time like I was deciphering the figure, that's over seven (7) billion naira ... in debt! So this is where the American so-called debt went to, huh?

Toni Braxton is worth about $10 million. And she's up to $50 million in debt to 422 creditors (that's right, 422!).  What has fine Ms. Thang been buying? Oh, you know, the usual. A mansion for $2, 000, 000. A Range Rover for $80, 000 (this one I can totally dig!).  A Cartier Tank American watch for $33, 000 (Get the hell out of here! What time is it telling? Jesus's second coming?). Christian Louboutin boots for almost $2, 000. And much more.

Oh, but no worries. She has fixed it. She has filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy protection (her second one, by the way. She had one in 1998). Her attorney says that Toni's heart disease has rendered her incapable of working and paying off her debts, so filing for bankruptcy is the best way to erase debt. Smart. Blame it on the heart disease.

I love you, Toni Braxton, but this is some jacked up mess. You and your lawyer know that debt does not get erased - especially in America. Other people just end up paying for it. Broke as I am right now, I am hurt that someone else gets to be $50, 000, 000 in the hole --- with no tangible consequences.

On another note, did you know that she has also separated from her husband, music producer, Keri Lewis? You did? Well, good for you. I did not know.  I may be pissed at her debt, but Toni Braxton is a babe. A very fine babe at that.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

Tomorrow On Moments With Mo: Rights Of A Woman

Unfortunately,  Nigeria is known for many things, but protecting the rights of her women is not one of them. There's a reason why a man can beat a woman's frail body as if he's beating a rock and get away with it. Do you know what a physically-abused woman will be asked when she goes to report her husband at the police station? "Madam, but what did you do to 'provoke' him?"

That said, there is more than one kind of abuse, of course. There's emotional. There's sexual. There are many more - none of which I pray we ever experience. Yet, there are women out there (even as I type this post) who are suffering one kind of abuse or the other. But what do you do when your abuser is family? What do you do when you're raped by a friend, a brother .... or an uncle?

Mo and guests, discussing the rights of a woman

Mo and a guest, discussing the rights of a woman

In this episode, Mo focuses on the different forms of violence and abuse against women. As part of this episode she follows the story of a 13 year old girl who was sexually abused by her uncle.

Watch this episode of Moments With Mo tomorrow, Tuesday, October 19th 2010 on Mnet West Africa at 9:30pm.  If you miss it tomorrow, you can watch a repeat episode on Wednesday, October 20th 2010 at 2:00pm, and on Saturday, October 23rd 2010 (all on Mnet West Africa).  Happy viewing J 

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My Break-Up Song

It used to be that whenever I was ready to break-up with someone, I would listen to a particular song over and over and over. Of course, I now know that the question on your mind is, "Dang it, Vera! How many people have you broken up with?"  And to that, I say, "Just one. Any other one doesn't count." You may interpret that as you wish. The point is that I used to listen to the song over and over.

The song in question is R. Kelly's When A Woman's Fed Up. Whether I was the perpetrator or the victim never really mattered to me - not that I was ever the perpetrator. I mean, come on, look at me. This innocent face can do no evil. I would listen to R. Kelly's song over and over until I was fully convinced that indeed, I could do better. Well, usually, by the time I was listening to the song, I was already doing better. By the way, this does not imply that I was cheating. Me? Never! Tufia kwa. God forbid bad thing.

I remembered R. Kelly's When A Woman's Fed Up because it was on one of the CDs I played  while I drove back from North Carolina on Monday morning. It brought back memories. I  am not currently thinking about breaking up, of course not. I just thought you may want to listen to the song, too. I am almost completely certain that there is at least one woman reading this blog right now who needs to kick him to the curb. Maybe R. Kelly can do for you what he did for me.

DISCLAIMER: Vera Ezimora is not in anyway instigating that you break up with your man. You may do so at your own risk. Please be advised that if and when you do, Vera Ezimora will not be available to keep you warm at night. 

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Another One Bites The Dust

This time, it's Courteney Cox and David Arquette.

Separation and divorces are common in Hollywood. But for some reason, I have high hopes for Courteney and David. For one thing, they don't sound like they want to be separated. And they say they're not thinking about divorce just yet, but they need some time apart. Hopefully, this time apart would remind them of why they got married in the first place.

The inscription on both of their wedding bands says, "A DEAL'S A DEAL" so perhaps, they're looking at their marriage that way. Why this affects me, I don't know. It's not like their marriage, separation, or divorce will put a dime in my pocket. But I do hope they stay together.

Of course, there's an alleged case of David's infidelity in the picture. Sources say that the woman (L. A. cocktail waitress, Jasmine Waltz)  only came into his life after the separation from his wife (not before). Yeah, that makes all the difference.

Stay married, folks. Let someone else separate. I have not said that Brad and Angelina should separate, but if that's what you say, then who am I to object?

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Soooo ... North Carolina {Pictures - Even Of Me - Included}

We finally managed to leave Baltimore at about 2pm. I won't even bother going into the details of what we went through. By the time we managed to get a rental car, grab breakfast brunch, and fight traffic, I was exhausted. Thankfully, Funmie was driving. We were supposed to get there at 8:30pm, but because of the traffic, we got there at 10:03pm. While Funmie drove, I kicked Mother Nature, Sleep in her breasts as I fought tooth and nail to stay awake and keep Funmie company. It was in the last 30 minutes of the journey that I gave up as Mother Nature's breasts were just too comfy.

Funmie's attempt at looking sad while we were waiting for out rental car

Funmie at the wedding ... looking gorgeous!

While I drove back to Baltimore, however, Funmie fell asleep 30 minutes into the journey and did not wake up till we got back home --- except when we stopped to refill our gas and when she woke up every now and then to give me a thumbs up or ask if I was okay. While she slept, I secretly took a picture of her with her mouth open, gum sitting on her tongue. Not sexy at all. This picture can kill a man's libido. If she does not buy me a pair of shoes, the picture goes up! You say blackmail. I say getting what I deserve. Semantics, really.

North Carolina was totally awesome! It was Aribaba's pleasure to have me and Funmie inconvenience him for an entire weekend. How often does that happen to him? It was our first road trip, so we were everything from excited to nervous to eager. We went for Chichi's wedding. You may not know her, of course, but she and her husband, Joe were one of the couples featured in this year's Show Me Your Love Valentine Blog Event - yes, right here on Verastic! 

You may kiss your bride ... mwah!

Funmie and Chichi

I don't know who was blushing more between this husband & wife

It was through the Show Me Your Love event that I knew Chichi. Prior to her sending her picture, we had never seen or spoken to each other. When it was time for her wedding, she requested my presence, and I was honored to be there. So, of course, I had to physically go to the table with Funmie and say, "Hi, my name is Vera Ezimora." The rest is history, I guess.  The wedding was so much fun! Aribaba and I did renditions of our fathers' dances. Too bad they were not there to see how much we have emulated them. Funmie concluded for the umpteenth time that she needs an Igbo husband. My fine Igbo men, where are you???

Show them what you got, Chichi!

The Funmie & Aribaba smiling competition

Needless to say, I was so proud of myself for driving all the way from Charlotte, North Carolina to Baltimore, Maryland (seven whole hours!) that I am now considering a major career change. It's about time I applied for a managerial position at Greyhound. Or Osondu as Mr. Shoes suggested. Either way, I will be cruising a luxurious bus near you. Don't suspend all your travel plans till further notice as Mr. Shoes said he would. Instead, trust me to deliver you safely --- hopefully. 

OMG! A picture of me! ***Now hyperventilating*** Someone, please call 911

DISCLAIMER: The fact that I attended Chichi's wedding in North Carolina should not give anyone the impetus to start inviting me everywhere!!! I've just always wanted to say impetus. But my point remains. Tehehe.

Tomorrow On Moments With Mo: Living Away

If there's anything I know about, it's living away from home. It's been a whole decade since I last lived in Nigeria, and strange as it may seem, I know I will experience a culture shock when I go back to Nigeria. Leaving Nigeria, I thought, well, this shouldn't be too hard. It's only America. They speak English there.  I was right and wrong. Yes, they speak English here. No, it was not easy.

I don't know how people make it when they travel to countries that speak other languages. Like an English-speaking person going to China. Or a Spanish person (who doesn't speak English) in America or Britain. But people are strong. I hope to be that strong some day.

On that note, tomorrow's show on Moments With Mo focuses on expatriates in Africa: their social, business and family life. Every country has expatriates come within a prolonged period and return home, but in this episode, She looks at those living away. She speaks to Felicia, an American woman who decided to come live in Nigeria with her 5 children, after divorcing her African-American husband.

Mo with an African-American woman who now resides in Nigeria

A picture is a thousand words, right? How about a video? Watch this African-American woman talk like us --- literally. 

Mo discussing living away with guests

Watch this episode of Moments With Mo tomorrow, Tuesday, October 12th 2010 on Mnet West Africa at 9:30pm.  If you miss it tomorrow, you can watch a repeat episode on Wednesday, October 13th 2010 at 2:00pm, and on Saturday, October 16th 2010 (all on Mnet West Africa).  Happy viewing J

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In A North Carolina State Of Mind

At some point today, Funmie and I will be travelling to North Carolina. We should have been on our way last night, but as whatever would have it, we are still here ... in Baltimore.  We've run into all sorts of complications from not having round trip tickets to not having enough money to not having enough proof of residence to rent a car (apparently, a license, car title, and car registration are all not enough proof). You name it, we don suffer am.

So, yes, we are now stuck here in Baltimore - on empty stomachs, by the way - wondering what to do next. We were hoping to be two hours into our trip by now, but see me see motorcycle, we are looking at the clock ticking by. By fire, by rain, we will get to North Carolina today.

My mom has been doing her job, of course, telling me, "You and Funmie better take public transport! Because the road to North Carolina is very, very narrow! Very, very narrow! You better take public transport oh! Hmmm!" I have wondered, of course, if the road to North Carolina becomes narrow from here (Baltimore) all the way to North Carolina, or if one little part is narrow. It doesn't really matter. As for this road trip, consider it done. We must do it.

I am not known for packing light, but for this trip, I have tried to respect myself by not packing as if I'm moving into Aribaba's house. Oh, did I mention I'll be staying with Aribaba? Yeah, so I have packed only one luggage (with the exception of my bag of shoes, my laptop bag, my camera bag, and my hand bag. Not bad, huh?). I only have two pairs of shoes (unlike the other times I've traveled with about five or six pairs of shoes for only about five days).  Funmie has six pairs of shoes, and yes, we're spending only two nights. Go figure. Gotta go now. Was hoping to put a picture up, but you don't want to know under which duress I am typing this post.

Peace Be With You. Really?

I attend a small catholic church in a White neighborhood. On a good day, we're about ten Black people at most. On two or three occasions, I think I have only been the only Black person there. I only say this to give you a visual color demographics of the church - so to say.

The catholics do this peace-be-with-you thing where everyone shakes their neighbor's hand, and it's supposed to mean that we're all at peace (and wishing each other the peace of the Lord). Ever since the swine flu palaver broke out last year (or was it this year?), the members of this particular catholic church I go to have stopped shaking hands with each other, apparently to stop the spread of swine flu. Some people still shake hands, but most just smile or bop their heads up and down.

Silly me, I didn't know. I still went to church stretching my arm out, only to be met by apprehensive faces. Honestly, I thought it had something to do with my race. I later found out that the swine flu was the reason for their lack of hand shakes. Unfortunately, I still think my race has something to do with it. Why? Because this catholic church is in a predominantly White neighborhood with older, more conservative White people. Oh, and they're mostly Republicans, too - if that means anything to you. I should also mention that I noticed the lack of hand shakes before the swine flu broke out.

I'm always almost breaking out in sweat whenever it's time for peace-be-with-you because I never know what kind of neighbor I have sitting next to me. Some of them are very happy to shake my hand while the rest could not be bothered. I don't want to stretch my arm out and be left hanging. At the same time, I don't want to leave anyone hanging. What to do, what to do?

Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? I think that prior to the peace-be-with-you, I should interview all my neighbors and ask them how they feel about having their hands shaken. It will save us all some time and embarrassment. And repressed anger.

What say you?

Tomorrow On Moments With Mo: Showbiz Naija

Mo exposes the lifestyles of Nollywood’s best artists, their lifestyles, their challenges, the good, the bad, and the ugly. She goes in-depth into the lives of the sky-rising hip hop artistes ElDee – the Don - and Banky W, dashing Omotola Jalade, heart throb Chidi Mokeme, and stars from the intriguing soap, Tinsel on Mnet.

Showbiz Naija 

ElDee, Banky W, and Mo

Showbiz Naija

Film Maker, Femi Odugbemi & Tinsel Box Producer, Tope Oshin Ogun with Mo

Tune in and watch as some of the best acts from the music and movie industry in Nigeria share their experiences with Mo.

Watch this episode of Moments With Mo tomorrow, Tuesday, October 4th 2010 on Mnet West Africa at 9:30pm.  If you miss it tomorrow, you can watch a repeat episode on Wednesday, October 5th 2010 at 2:00pm, and on Saturday, October 9th 2010 (all on Mnet West Africa).  Happy viewing J

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50, Huh? *Yawns*

Everyone a lot of people are going around all happy and thrilled that Nigeria is 50 today, so I don't want to be the party pooper. Sure, I'm glad we're 50, but my gladness is overshadowed by my disappointment at where we are and how we have had the same problems for the past five decades. I'm not going to sit here and tell you about all the problems we have, or what I think we need to do to fix them. Part of the problem is that everyone thinks his or her solution(s) is (are) the best. That said, Happy Independence Day *Insert long overdrawn yawn*

Somewhere in Nigeria, some select few people are allegedly eating a six foot tall cake that cost a whopping seventy-two million naira. Would it be totally wrong if I were to wish dysentery on all the eaters? Alright, fine. I won't. I fear for collateral damage (innocent hungry eaters of the cake). The cake, as you may have guessed already, was made in celebration of Nigeria's 50th year of Independence. Oh, and also to break the Guinness World Book's record of the world's biggest cake. In light of all the problems we have in Nigeria (poverty, crimes, unemployment, corruption, lack of electricity, etc), it's noteworthy that we're aiming to make the world's biggest cake. Go Naija!

So, I woke up this morning singing a song that we used to sing in elementary school every Friday during the morning assembly.

Nigeria is my country

I'd like to serve Nigeria

With all my heart, with all my soul

And with all the things that I do.

In the land of my father,

Who fought for my freedom

It's the time to do my part

To make Nigeria great

I pray for peace and unity

And I pray for prosperity

Let's come together at once

To make Nigeria great.

I'm very shy of singing publicly, but if you ask nicely, I'll sing it for you on the radio tomorrow. It's at 10am U.S. Eastern Time (3pm Nigerian Time). Call in: 1.646.929.1905 | Listen here

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