Men Are Under Immense Pressure

All this time, I thought women were under so much pressure.  Well, we are.  We are under pressure to be skinny, wrinkle-free, spotless, and forever 21.  Oh, let's not forget the pressure of having breasts that don't succumb to gravity, a booty that can hold a glass of water, a stomach as flat as an ironing board... you get the idea.  

But I was going through my spam folder (for my verastic email), just in case any good mail ended up there, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for men.  My spam folder has been bombarded will emails calling for me to immediately enlarge my penis size.  They must think I'm a man.  Either that or they think I'm a shemale.  Why else would my folder be flooded with crap like this? 

I was really curious to open some of them, but I cannot imagine the kind of trojan horse that will attack my laptop, so I'm just gonna pass.  However, their subjects are quite funny.  Here are a few.  My thoughts are in parenthesis.

1.  The best way to prove your virility is to get a Submariner SS watch. (What the heck is a submariner ss watch???)

2.  Impress Her In The Bedroom (I'd really rather not.)

3.  Make Her Say Yes - 3 Tips To Getting Your Lover Into Bed (So these are tips to trick her into bed.)

4.  Masturbation Myths (Tempting, but I'll pass.)

5.  Feeling Unneeded In Bed?  We Can Change It To A Different Feeling (LOL!  Honestly, I'm feeling unndeed in bed.  Those stuffed animals do not appreciate my body warmth @ all!)

6.  Your Time For Growth Enhancement (If you're talking about enhancing what I think you're talking about enhancing, then I'm sorry, I don't have it).

7.  From Now On, You Will Be Able To Please Any Size Queen (I don't know if I should be pleased about this, but I'm not.)

8.  She Can Have An Orgasm Just By Looking At Your Submariner SS Watch (Nawa o!  What is this watch made out of biko?  One thing is for sure: I have never, ever seen it.)

9. Thicker, More Muscular Manhood (For who exactly?)

10.  Make An Impression Of A Lady From The Highest Circles (I don't understand.)

11.  Lion Power In The Bedroom (I'd prefer Lioness)

12.  Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension (I know this is supposed to sound dirty, but goodness, does it have to be so graphic?)

13.  Now You Can Please Your Brand New Girlfriend Easily (Brand new, yes.  Girlfriend, no.)

14.  Your Super Mega Beast Will Grow Like On Yeast (I don't understand, but I think 'super mega beast' and 'yeast' should not appear in the same sentence.)

15.  Your Bulge Will Be So Noticeable You Will Have To Wear A Kilt (And where exactly  would this bulge be located?)

16.  Your Watch Will Understand You Better Than Anyone Else (This watch again????  I'm too afraid of trojans. Or else, I woulda googled it).

17.  Women Love Enormous Tools, and Believe Us, That's The Rule (Women, let your voices be heard: how true is this?)

18.  Break Those Chains That Have Forged Your Manhood (LOL!  This almost sounds like we're binding the devil.  Break those shackles!)

19.  Now You Don't Have To Look For Something To Cover Your Manhood When You're Naked (Men do that?  Eyaa.  Poor them.)

20.  You Can Have A VIP Male Toy Inside Your Pants (Please explain.)

Now, ladies, aren't you glad you're a woman???  Imagine if you were under so much pressure to increase your manhood, please her in bed, and make her have an orgasm just by looking at your watch.  Boy!!!  I'm glad I'm a woman. 

Now all I have to do is figure out how to stay become skinny, remain spotless clean up all my spots, keep my breasts from falling have a breast reconstructive surgery, remain wrinkle-free, keep my flat tummy have surgery to take off some ribs and liposuction to flaten my stomach, plump up my butt (so that it can comfortably sit at least 5 people), and of course, remain 21 reverse my age to 21.

Yeap, being a woman is soooooooooooooooo much easier.  

What Is In This Bag Sef?

Yesterday, I took my dear grandma to several stores to do some shopping. We started our journey before 3pm, at which time I had neither had breakfast nor lunch - big mistake. We went from store to store to store, looking for everything and getting almost nothing. I don't wanna say I hate shopping, but I hate shopping. I'm not someone who wants to spend an entire day in the mall going from store to store. If money weren't a hindrance, and I knew I could walk into any store and pick up as much as I wanted, then maybe I'd feel differently about shopping, but for now, I just wanna go and pick up the one (or few items) I came for.

But Grandma will not hear of it! Na so so waka waka we dey do up and down White Marsh Mall. And then all those little kiosk people that stay in the middle of the aisle of the mall always wanna sell you everything with a smile. One man wanted to convince me to buy windows to remodel my home. I don't even own a home. Abeg, waka jo! I think it's because I was smiling with them. After a while, I started boning. The hunger was getting to me too much. I was hungry, tired, sleepy, and cranky. My Grandma was busy asking if I was boning because I did not have my 'ula ndi ocha' (oyibo people's sleep). Just because I have refused to wake up @ 6 AM with the chickens like my Grandma, it means I am sleeping like oyibo people. So be it then.

Even though I was cranky, na so so laugh this woman dey make me laugh. Why did she want to enter Forever 21 to shop for herself? Me sef wey be grand-daughter, I have forgotten what it's like to be 21. Grandma, if na joke, stop am o! And then I went into Bath & Body Works to get some foot soak. I was talking to the store attendant while my grandma was looking around. By the time I was done shopping, my grandma had found something she wanted: one of those long brushes, the ones you use to scrub your back. It's not a sponge; it's an actual brush. Anyway, guess what this woman wanted to use it for? To scrub the sink! LOL. I couldn't control myself.

Anyway, you know there r no carts in the mall, so everything you buy, you have to carry around from store to store. My shoulders were aching. My back was aching. My neck was aching. I suffer no be small oh. Every time I had a chance, I dropped the shopping bags on the floor and held on to my ertra large purse/handbag. But then, I still felt heavy. It was then that it dawned on me that my bag was wayyyy too heavy. When I came home, I decided to investigate the issue of the rather heavy bag and see what it was that was making it so heavy. Let's examine, shall we?

1. My daily planner

2. MP3 charger. Have never needed it outside my house since I started carrying it.

3. Big black bottle of pepper spray. Have never needed this either. Besides, the attacker for don wound be finish b4 I bring am out abi? See as the thing big reach.

4. Make-up Bag. Totally useless. I have an idential one in my glove compartment, and I don't wear make-up everyday. I've only needed that one once.

5. Cell phone earpiece. Don't use it.

6. Little brown bag for coins

7. Yellow Wallet.

8. MP3 player, earpiece, and their own personal pink pouch. Don't use my mp3 player either. And I have a little one in the car too.

9. Bottle of lotion

10. Bottle of Scope mouth wash

11. Little silver bottle of Victoria's Secret Perfume

12. White packet of flossers.

13. USB

14. Spare key for my car

15. Extra memory card (just in case I forget my regular memory card in my laptop and carry an empty camera out. Experience has taught me a lesson!)

16. Advil pain reliever. I've barely needed this. Most times, other people need it

17 Pink Lip Gloss. Don't even use it anymore.

18. Nail Cutter: Sometimes I need to cut my nails urgently, and I don't like using people's nail cutter(s)

19. Purple/Lilac spiral index card book. Dunno why I have this.

20. Extra Pens.

21. Hair Bands. Just in case the one on my hair gets lost or breaks/cuts. Don't like my hair touching my neck. Have to have it held up.

22. Little Black & white book: Have no idea what it's for.

23. Bluetooth earpiece

24. Another lip gloss

25. Mac Lip Conditioner (the best!!!)

26. Clear nail Polish

27. Little Note Book. To take notes/ideas down for articles et al when I'm not home or by my compura.

So abeg, make una helep me. What should I get rid of? Don't think of telling me to get rid of the flossers or the mouth wash coz it ain't happening!

Current Facebook Status (updated Sunday): Vera had a very long day and would appreciate a massage right about now. *whispering*...call me!