Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker

Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker,

I hope this post meets you well. I know you have been busy tracking the e-whereabouts of your partner, exploring every new friend he/she made on Facebook, following everyone that's following him/her on Twitter, checking out the space of everyone who is on his/her MySpace page, and submitting his/her name to Google Alerts, so that you can literally be alerted every time his/her name appears on the world wide web. It's all been very time consuming, I'm sure.

It is for this reason that I bring you relief - yes, I know I'm nice. You see, there's a new thing out there. Let's call it a cell phone tracker. That really is what it is. For the very convenient and affordable monthly fee of 9.99 American dollars - that's 1,498.50 in Naira. With this service, you will finally be able to monitor your partner fully and get answers to those burning questions:

1.  Where exactly is he/she?

2.  Who is he/she with?

3.  What is he/she doing?

4.  Who is he/she doing?

5.  Who is calling him/her?

6.  Who is he/she calling?

7.  Who is texting him/her?

8.  Who is he/she texting?

9.  Does he/she scream the other person's name like he/she screams my name?

10.  Does he/she think I'm a deranged lunatic who should be committed to the Psychiatric ward?

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, no, I've not been asking that last question." Well, you don't have to be asking it. By the time you're done tracking his/her cell phone, he/she will definitely be answering that question for you.

I also know what you're now thinking: "Well, where's the link to the cell tracking company?"

And to that, I say: For a convenient and affordable one-time fee of $49.99, I'll tell you everything you need to know. Or you could just click the link and find out for yourself HERE.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

Toni Braxton The Maxton

I know Toni Braxton sang the Unbreak My Heart song, but right now, she needs to unbreak the American economy. $50, 000, 000 in debt?!?!?!?!?! That's 7, 612, 500, 000. 00 in naira! If you're having half a hard time like I was deciphering the figure, that's over seven (7) billion naira ... in debt! So this is where the American so-called debt went to, huh?

Toni Braxton is worth about $10 million. And she's up to $50 million in debt to 422 creditors (that's right, 422!).  What has fine Ms. Thang been buying? Oh, you know, the usual. A mansion for $2, 000, 000. A Range Rover for $80, 000 (this one I can totally dig!).  A Cartier Tank American watch for $33, 000 (Get the hell out of here! What time is it telling? Jesus's second coming?). Christian Louboutin boots for almost $2, 000. And much more.

Oh, but no worries. She has fixed it. She has filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy protection (her second one, by the way. She had one in 1998). Her attorney says that Toni's heart disease has rendered her incapable of working and paying off her debts, so filing for bankruptcy is the best way to erase debt. Smart. Blame it on the heart disease.

I love you, Toni Braxton, but this is some jacked up mess. You and your lawyer know that debt does not get erased - especially in America. Other people just end up paying for it. Broke as I am right now, I am hurt that someone else gets to be $50, 000, 000 in the hole --- with no tangible consequences.

On another note, did you know that she has also separated from her husband, music producer, Keri Lewis? You did? Well, good for you. I did not know.  I may be pissed at her debt, but Toni Braxton is a babe. A very fine babe at that.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

My Break-Up Song

It used to be that whenever I was ready to break-up with someone, I would listen to a particular song over and over and over. Of course, I now know that the question on your mind is, "Dang it, Vera! How many people have you broken up with?"  And to that, I say, "Just one. Any other one doesn't count." You may interpret that as you wish. The point is that I used to listen to the song over and over.

The song in question is R. Kelly's When A Woman's Fed Up. Whether I was the perpetrator or the victim never really mattered to me - not that I was ever the perpetrator. I mean, come on, look at me. This innocent face can do no evil. I would listen to R. Kelly's song over and over until I was fully convinced that indeed, I could do better. Well, usually, by the time I was listening to the song, I was already doing better. By the way, this does not imply that I was cheating. Me? Never! Tufia kwa. God forbid bad thing.

I remembered R. Kelly's When A Woman's Fed Up because it was on one of the CDs I played  while I drove back from North Carolina on Monday morning. It brought back memories. I  am not currently thinking about breaking up, of course not. I just thought you may want to listen to the song, too. I am almost completely certain that there is at least one woman reading this blog right now who needs to kick him to the curb. Maybe R. Kelly can do for you what he did for me.

DISCLAIMER: Vera Ezimora is not in anyway instigating that you break up with your man. You may do so at your own risk. Please be advised that if and when you do, Vera Ezimora will not be available to keep you warm at night. 

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

His Finger Nails Are Too Short!

I will not boast of having heard it all. After all, it was just the other day that I learned of salad tossing, but that's a totally different story.  So, there I was, having a mini Girls' Night Out with a bunch of girls, and as usual, the major topic of discussion was men.  What else is there to talk about anyway?

Chika, a semi-new friend of ours randomly mentioned Nnamdi, a guy who likes her, but whom, unfortunately, she cannot date. "He's too short," she told us. Well, nothing new about that. A lot of women prefer men who are about six feet tall (or at least visibly taller than them).  Of course, it takes having a taste of both worlds (tall and short) to realize that there's something in between --- and it has nothing to do with the height.

Chika's position did not surprise us. My list does, after all, state that I want someone who is "visibly taller than me."  What did stun me however was that Chika's biggest problem was not the height of Nnamdi's body, but rather the length of his finger nails.  Yes, yes, Nnamdi is short, and yes, she does have a problem with his height, but she is more concerned about the length of his finger nails.

It turns out that a man's finger nails are directly proportional to the length of his member.  Nnamdi's finger nails aren't short because he cut them, or because he has stopped them from growing, but rather because he has one of those nails that even when cut short, they are still short - compared to other people's short nails.  

Try as I might, I could not find a picture of short nails. I'm sure it has a name. These doctors and scientists always have a way of making everything sound worse. A boil, for example, is called a furuncle. I prefer to just call it a boil. I feel a lot better that way.  But on the issue of Chika and Nnamdi, I will now go ahead and commence Operation-Test-The-Nails/Member-Theory on every man. Starting from today - especially today, I will study every man's finger nails, and soon and very soon, the truth will be told!

What say you?

Sins Of My Past

How much of my past should I really disclose [to my partner]?  Full disclosure between us would be nice, but is it necessary?  When people pry into other people's past, there's hardly a time they're prying for the good stuff ... like the time the person helped old Mrs. Kanu to cross the street.  Or the time the person won the award for Best Chemistry Student.  Or the time the person volunteered at the homeless shelter. Or how the person became a working class citizen at the tender age of fourteen.

Most times, the one who is prying wants to know other stuff: How many people have you slept with? What are the names of the people you have slept with? How many times did you sleep with them?  Perhaps, they might want to know the position(s), too.  And they want to know, how many relationships have you had, and where are they [your exes]?  You and Person X had an almost-relationship; I want to know why it never became an actual relationship.  How far - physically - did you and Person X go? Did Person X see you naked? What about Person Y?  Have you ever had oral sex?   If so, who was the first person you had it with?  And how many people have you had it with since then?  The list, really, is endless.

And, of course, there are other questions: criminal records, credit report, illnesses, divorces, previous engagements, abortions, miscarriages, surgeries, hospitalizations, addictions, etc.  This list, too, could go on.  But because of how complex relationships are, most of the question-and-answer session dwells on past relationships, past loves, past chemistry, past crushes, and of course, past sexes.

And so, I cannot help but wonder, how much of our past should we really disclose to our partner?

You and I, we could tackle it on Saturday morning on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio. I'll be co-hosting with Afrobabe - yes, the very, very insane, possibly psychotic Afrobabe and my very own cousin, Aribaba of Jaguda.com - and yes, this one too is crazy.  It'll be at 10am U.S. Eastern (4pm Nigerian) time as usual.

Come Saturday morning, listen here.

Join the conversation: 1.646.929.1905

E-mail your thoughts, if you cannot call in: radio@verastic.com

Follow me, bumper to bumper, on Twitter.

As always, there's a poll on the top right sidebar, and it's there for your voting pleasure.  Go vote!

My Boyfriend Used To Date My Friend.

No, I do not now have, nor have I ever had a boyfriend who has dated my friend. But if I did, I guess that's how it'll slip out of my mouth, "My boyfriend used to date my friend." Perhaps, there are more fanciful ways to put it, but that's not important right now.

Tomorrow, Saturday, November 28th 2009, Mustapha and I will be talking about dating a friend's ex. Is it okay to do so? I'm not going to speak for everyone, but I know that before I took the time to sit down and think critically about tomorrow's show, I had a different outlook. If you had asked my thoughts on dating a friend's ex, I would have said, No! No!! No!!!

But what if you're destined to be with this friend's ex? How do you even know you're destined to be together? What if the relationship with the friend went stale years before you and the ex got involved? What if you were instrumental in the break-up of the relationship? What if the friend and the ex used to be married? What if the friend and the ex have children? What if the friend is now dead? Would it feel better if the friend gives his/her consent? Would it feel better if you and the friend's ex live in a different place - like a different continent?

Someone asked via twitter "Is this question any different from 'would you date your ex's friend'?" Hmm. You tell me ... would it be any different? I'll let you marinade in these scenarios until tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I'm still enjoying my okoro soup - with assorted meats, of course! I'll tell you all about it later - my Thanksgiving Day and my soup, I mean.

If you haven't voted on the poll, there's still time to do it. It's on the top right sidebar.

Click here at 10am U.S. EST (4pm Nigerian time) tomorrow to listen to the show live.

** Next week Saturday (December 5th 2009) is the Christmas show. I'm still accepting ideas for gifts. If you sell a product or service that you would like to offer to the Verastic readers and listeners, e-mail me asap radio@verastic.com

** If you have song suggestions for the show, e-mail radio@verastic.com

You've probably forgotten, so let me remind you >>>>> GO VOTE!!! J

To Hold On Or To Let Go: That Is The Question!

"Sometimes, the best way to hold on is to let go..."

Spoken by my newest co-host, Mustapha.

I'm not sure what is easier to do in a relationship: holding on or letting go? If I had to take a wild guess, I'd say it's easier to hold on than it is to let go, but I don't have any scientific proof. Scientific proof is needed for everthing these days. Even God needs to scientifically prove that He is God, and that He really did create us and the world we live in. But I digress.

In exactly ten (10) hours, Verastically Speakin Talk Radio (that is now fondly called the Verastic Show by its wonderful listeners) will go LIVE, and we will be talking about when to hold on and when to let go of a relationship. I cannot promise that listening to the show will give you an epiphany about what the next step should be in your relationship; what I can promise is that you'll enjoy the show, you'll learn a little - hopefully a lot, and you'll definitely laugh.

Funmie is one of the co-hosts. If you've never heard her voice; don't worry... you'll know it's her. Just listen for the loudest person. According to the Verastic Show listeners, she often sounds like she's talking with a microphone. But that's just her voice - her inside voice for that matter!

Reverence is also one of the co-hosts. You'll probably know it's her. She'll be the one shaking like a dry leaf in winter, afraid of disagreeing with the loud one (Funmie).

And finally, Mustapha will be there. He'll give us words of wisdom - like that quote in the beginning of this post - and he might make us laugh. He's quite the comedian as I've come to realize. Hopefully, though, he won't sing. Sorry, Mustapha... that karaoke scarred me! J

Between the time this post comes up and the time the polls close, you have exactly 9.5 hours to vote, so go vote! It's on the top right sidebar. Thank you, sweethearts.

When you're done voting, click here at 10:00 am U.S. EST (4: 00 pm Nigerian time) to listen to the show.

E-mail radio@verastic.com if you have any comments. Or call/text 1.443.934.9039. Of course, you can always tweet away too www.twitter.com/verastic

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Reminder:

The December 5th show - The Christmas Gifts That Should - is already being organized. If you have any suggestions for gifts that should or should not be given and/or to whom said gifts or any other gifts should be given, e-mail radio@verastic.com asap

If you sell a product or render a service that you wish to offer to the Verastic readers/listeners, e-mail radio@verastic.com asap.

Other than that, you can expect to hear my beaurriful voice in 10 hours. How lucky are you! Hehehe.

What Do Women Want?

I am not due for an update till tomorrow, but tomorrow is when the show on Verastically Speakin will come up, asking and tackling what I will now dramatize and call the ultimate question: What Do Women Want??? That is why I have decided to blog about it today. I want you to have at least twenty-four hours to think about it. I will be co-hosting with Diamond-Hawk & Rosie. Rosie has conveniently changed her name to Lucid Lilith, which has been a tongue twister for me - even now as I type it, it's a finger twister, so I have reserved my right to call her Rosie. So....

What exactly do women want?

• Love?
• Romance?
• Respect?
• Companionship?
• Loyalty?
• Security?
• Stability?
• All of the above ... plus a totally smackable bum? [Okay, maybe just me then].

I know what I want, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. And no, it's not just about the smackable bum. Thank you very much. I also know what the men think women want. They think we don't know what we want. Well, do we have news for them or what?

I remember when I used to want a man who will want to do a lot of public display of affection with me. I quickly realized that I had to narrow my want; apparently, the public display of affection didn't feel quite good when I was not into the man in the first place. I remember when I used to want a man who would have all sorts of sweet terms of endearment for me - baby, honey, sweetie - then I realized I would prefer that he not say baby every five seconds. I remember when I used to want a man who would know the little things about me. Oh, yes... then I got that one that remembered my bra size, but not my last name. I would have probably felt better if he had at least seen the bra. But to think that my very public last name was WAEC to him....

Tsk. Tsk.

I know I know what I want now.

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The poll is up there. If you have not voted, please do. If you have voted, try to vote again because your vote might not count. Reason is that I had to redo this poll four times, and each time I redid it, I had to take off the one you already voted on, so please vote again. Thank you.

Last but not least, the time for the show has changed. Well, the time in U.S. is the same, but outside of U.S., it might not be the same. U.S. changed time on Sunday; the clock went back one hour, so Nigeria, for example, is now six hours ahead of us, instead of five. That said, if you're in Nigeria, Verastically Speakin' will air at 4pm your time NOT 3pm. I said 4pm oooo!!!! It's still 3pm GMT. Apparently, it used to be 4pm GMT - even though I've been proudly saying 3pm GMT and none of you corrected me. Confused? Maybe the table below will help.

U.S. Eastern Time [ex: New York]	10am
U.S. Central Time [ex: Chicago]	9am
U.S. Mountain Time [ex: Arizona, Utah]	8am
U.S. Pacific Time [ex: Los Angeles, Seattle]	7am
Nigerian Time	4pm
U.K. Time	3pm
GMT Time	3pm

If I do not have your general vicinity listed up there, I apologize. Please check www.greenwichmeantime.com I did, of course, consider listing all the countries in the world and their time on my blog - cause you know how the entire world just can't wait to tune into Verastically Speakin,' - but the space on my blog just wouldn't do. Plus, it's kind of late, and I just want to sleep.

So make sure you tune into Verastically Speakin tomorrow and find out what women want. Yippee! E-mails go here >> radio@verastic.com Phone calls before and after the show go here >> 1.443.934.9039 Phone calls during the show [to join the conversation on air] go here >> 1.646.929.1905 Tweets go here www.twitter.com/verastic

And of course, money goes here >> P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

$$$ *Hint, hint* Women [Vera] want[s] money!! $$$

>>>>Don't forget to vote in the poll!! Talk to you tomorrow! J