Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker

Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker,

I hope this post meets you well. I know you have been busy tracking the e-whereabouts of your partner, exploring every new friend he/she made on Facebook, following everyone that's following him/her on Twitter, checking out the space of everyone who is on his/her MySpace page, and submitting his/her name to Google Alerts, so that you can literally be alerted every time his/her name appears on the world wide web. It's all been very time consuming, I'm sure.

It is for this reason that I bring you relief - yes, I know I'm nice. You see, there's a new thing out there. Let's call it a cell phone tracker. That really is what it is. For the very convenient and affordable monthly fee of 9.99 American dollars - that's 1,498.50 in Naira. With this service, you will finally be able to monitor your partner fully and get answers to those burning questions:

1.  Where exactly is he/she?

2.  Who is he/she with?

3.  What is he/she doing?

4.  Who is he/she doing?

5.  Who is calling him/her?

6.  Who is he/she calling?

7.  Who is texting him/her?

8.  Who is he/she texting?

9.  Does he/she scream the other person's name like he/she screams my name?

10.  Does he/she think I'm a deranged lunatic who should be committed to the Psychiatric ward?

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, no, I've not been asking that last question." Well, you don't have to be asking it. By the time you're done tracking his/her cell phone, he/she will definitely be answering that question for you.

I also know what you're now thinking: "Well, where's the link to the cell tracking company?"

And to that, I say: For a convenient and affordable one-time fee of $49.99, I'll tell you everything you need to know. Or you could just click the link and find out for yourself HERE.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter