Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker

Dear Boy/Girlfriend Stalker,

I hope this post meets you well. I know you have been busy tracking the e-whereabouts of your partner, exploring every new friend he/she made on Facebook, following everyone that's following him/her on Twitter, checking out the space of everyone who is on his/her MySpace page, and submitting his/her name to Google Alerts, so that you can literally be alerted every time his/her name appears on the world wide web. It's all been very time consuming, I'm sure.

It is for this reason that I bring you relief - yes, I know I'm nice. You see, there's a new thing out there. Let's call it a cell phone tracker. That really is what it is. For the very convenient and affordable monthly fee of 9.99 American dollars - that's 1,498.50 in Naira. With this service, you will finally be able to monitor your partner fully and get answers to those burning questions:

1.  Where exactly is he/she?

2.  Who is he/she with?

3.  What is he/she doing?

4.  Who is he/she doing?

5.  Who is calling him/her?

6.  Who is he/she calling?

7.  Who is texting him/her?

8.  Who is he/she texting?

9.  Does he/she scream the other person's name like he/she screams my name?

10.  Does he/she think I'm a deranged lunatic who should be committed to the Psychiatric ward?

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, no, I've not been asking that last question." Well, you don't have to be asking it. By the time you're done tracking his/her cell phone, he/she will definitely be answering that question for you.

I also know what you're now thinking: "Well, where's the link to the cell tracking company?"

And to that, I say: For a convenient and affordable one-time fee of $49.99, I'll tell you everything you need to know. Or you could just click the link and find out for yourself HERE.

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

Have You Met Yotaro?

Probably not.

First of all, I apologize for the very late update. I was busy debuting my acting career in church. On Sunday, I and 10 other singles - Funmie included - entertained my church with a stage play they will not forget in a hurry. We got a standing ovation from a very enthusiastic and appreciative congregation, and it was praised as "the best play ever in House of Praise!!" Ah, ah! If you can't tell, I'm still gloating. Chinenye will testify of its total goodness. I'll be signing autographs as I get ready to add 'Actress' to my resume.  But I digress.

Did you know that Japan has a low birth rate? At first glance, you may see this as a good thing. Why would Japan want a high birth rate? China, for example, has a high birth rate, and is fighting to reduce it. Japan, on the other hand, has a low birth rate because all the young Japanese are "too school/career-oriented." Everyone is more concerned about getting the best grades and going to the best schools. What, you thought it was impossible for that to be a problem?

The young Japanese that are supposed to take over from the aging and retiring generation are not ready to get married and/or have children. Men and women see themselves as different species. In desperation, Japan has agreed to pay each family $150 each month, per child until the child reaches high school. A good incentive, but it is as good as Yotaro?

Picture culled of CNN

This is Yotaro. He's a baby robot. The Japanese are hoping that this baby robot  - who cries, sneezes, giggles, kicks, has a warm body, and is made of silicon - would make the young Japanese want to have a baby. Why and how? Well, by the time they spend time with Yotaro, he will - hopefully - trigger human emotions that will prompt people to want the real thing. You can watch the video below. 

I have to admit: the Japanese people are brilliant. They have a baby robot who does all the cute things that babies do. They did not make a baby who will wake up every two 1.5 hours and cry incessantly for no apparent reason. They did not make a baby who will attack your freshly made up face with vomit. They did not make a baby who will pee on you as you struggle to change his diaper. And of course, no need for the baby who scratches your face and only keeps quiet when you carry him and stand up.  Somehow, he always knows when you sit down. By the way, baby Yotaro stops crying once you touch him, and we all know how it happens just like that in real life.

So, Yotaro is a good incentive. Some Japanese even say that he's a better incentive than a monthly government stipend. But is Yotaro as good as my incentive in boosting the birth rate of Japan? Probably not.  I say the government should mandate every couple to have sex three times a day without any kind of birth control. All existing forms of birth control should be recalled and thrown into the refinery.  In order to ensure that couples don't cheat by doing the pull out method or not having sex at all, a government agent must stand and watch the action live and direct. I need not tell you that abortions or any action(s) that may lead to an abortion would be highly forbidden! To crown my incentive, once a woman is pregnant, she will taken into custody and put on mandatory bed rest and 24-hour surveillance.

What say you?

I Want A Fat Wife

Those are precious words that you'll probably never hear from a man's mouth.  Perhaps, this blog is as close as you'll ever come to hearing it from a man's mouth.  And I am not even a man, so go figure.

Remember back in the day when the bigger a woman was, the better looking she was considered?  Remember how that used to be the evidence of good living?  It used to be the proof that she was well taken care of by her father or husband, preferably her husband.  Remember how the women with wide hips and butts as wide as pillows held sideways used to boast of having an ikebe super?  Igbo men call such hips/butt "ukwu pathfinder [pathfinder hips]," "ukwu transformer [transformer hips]," "ukwu v-boot [v-boot hips]," "ike danger [dangerous butt] ... and the list goes on.  Well, what happened?

Did men stop wanting the pathfinder hips, hips that are sure to find the path at any given point, even without a GPS?  Did men stop wanting the transformer hips, hips that can power the electricity in an entire block (or consequently cause the electricity to fail due to too much voltage)?  Did they stop wanting the hips shaped like that v-boot Mercedes Benz?  Did they stop wanting the dangerous butts, the kind that literally cost people their lives?  Or did we, women, change?

Women everywhere seem to be in a craze for the skinny bones.  Have we [African women] become more educated about the risks and dangers of obesity?  Or have we become more westernized, looking to the likes of Beyonce and Rihanna, for our ideal image?  What is really going on?  What we used to consider voluptuous, curvy, and shapely is now plain ol' fat.  One man's fat, I realize, is another man's average and vice versa.

But you know what's interesting, while we [women] spend a lot of time making ourselves over, redefining the meaning of [black] beauty, nipping here and tucking there, the standard of beauty, it seems, has remained the same for the men: tall, dark, and handsome.

I'm sure you have plenty to say.  Thankfully, Good Naija Girl, Caramel, and I will be discussing it live on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio show tomorrow, Saturday, March 6th 2010.  The show will be airing at 10am U.S. Eastern time [4pm Nigerian time & 3pm U.K time].  Click here to listen.  Join the live conversation by calling 1.646.929.1905.  Send your thoughts/stories/questions via e-mail radio@verastic.com  or text 1.443.934.9039.  Follow me on Twitter for updates.

Ka chi fo [Goodnight in Igbo].

P.S. I'd like to say a big congratulations and best wishes to Onyi and Noni.  It's been a year since they started their journey.  I pray God's blessings and favor meet them both at the point of their individual and collective needs.  Amen.


P.P.S. Don't forget to vote [in the top right sidebar]!

What Do Women Want?

I am not due for an update till tomorrow, but tomorrow is when the show on Verastically Speakin will come up, asking and tackling what I will now dramatize and call the ultimate question: What Do Women Want??? That is why I have decided to blog about it today. I want you to have at least twenty-four hours to think about it. I will be co-hosting with Diamond-Hawk & Rosie. Rosie has conveniently changed her name to Lucid Lilith, which has been a tongue twister for me - even now as I type it, it's a finger twister, so I have reserved my right to call her Rosie. So....

What exactly do women want?

• Love?
• Romance?
• Respect?
• Companionship?
• Loyalty?
• Security?
• Stability?
• All of the above ... plus a totally smackable bum? [Okay, maybe just me then].

I know what I want, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. And no, it's not just about the smackable bum. Thank you very much. I also know what the men think women want. They think we don't know what we want. Well, do we have news for them or what?

I remember when I used to want a man who will want to do a lot of public display of affection with me. I quickly realized that I had to narrow my want; apparently, the public display of affection didn't feel quite good when I was not into the man in the first place. I remember when I used to want a man who would have all sorts of sweet terms of endearment for me - baby, honey, sweetie - then I realized I would prefer that he not say baby every five seconds. I remember when I used to want a man who would know the little things about me. Oh, yes... then I got that one that remembered my bra size, but not my last name. I would have probably felt better if he had at least seen the bra. But to think that my very public last name was WAEC to him....

Tsk. Tsk.

I know I know what I want now.

************************************************

The poll is up there. If you have not voted, please do. If you have voted, try to vote again because your vote might not count. Reason is that I had to redo this poll four times, and each time I redid it, I had to take off the one you already voted on, so please vote again. Thank you.

Last but not least, the time for the show has changed. Well, the time in U.S. is the same, but outside of U.S., it might not be the same. U.S. changed time on Sunday; the clock went back one hour, so Nigeria, for example, is now six hours ahead of us, instead of five. That said, if you're in Nigeria, Verastically Speakin' will air at 4pm your time NOT 3pm. I said 4pm oooo!!!! It's still 3pm GMT. Apparently, it used to be 4pm GMT - even though I've been proudly saying 3pm GMT and none of you corrected me. Confused? Maybe the table below will help.

U.S. Eastern Time [ex: New York]	10am
U.S. Central Time [ex: Chicago]	9am
U.S. Mountain Time [ex: Arizona, Utah]	8am
U.S. Pacific Time [ex: Los Angeles, Seattle]	7am
Nigerian Time	4pm
U.K. Time	3pm
GMT Time	3pm

If I do not have your general vicinity listed up there, I apologize. Please check www.greenwichmeantime.com I did, of course, consider listing all the countries in the world and their time on my blog - cause you know how the entire world just can't wait to tune into Verastically Speakin,' - but the space on my blog just wouldn't do. Plus, it's kind of late, and I just want to sleep.

So make sure you tune into Verastically Speakin tomorrow and find out what women want. Yippee! E-mails go here >> radio@verastic.com Phone calls before and after the show go here >> 1.443.934.9039 Phone calls during the show [to join the conversation on air] go here >> 1.646.929.1905 Tweets go here www.twitter.com/verastic

And of course, money goes here >> P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

$$$ *Hint, hint* Women [Vera] want[s] money!! $$$

>>>>Don't forget to vote in the poll!! Talk to you tomorrow! J

I've Got Good News!

Or maybe not...

For starters, I told you about the waist vs hips phenomenom. Men prefer women whose waist is 30% smaller than their hips. Unfortunately, mine is just 23% smaller than my hips. You can read that post HERE. Secondly, I brought you news that at the age of 27, a woman's fertility begins to significantly decline. I am yet to receive thank-you e-mails for that by the way. You can read that post HERE. Lastly, I brought news from Uju, my med-student friend: she said that for each child a woman gives birth to and breast feeds for a year, she decreases her chances of breast cancer by 11.4%. You can read that post HERE.

So I spoke to Uju again, and she gave me more news. I'm starting to unappreciate her med school. According to Uju (who learned this from her Professor), the most attractive a woman would ever be is when she is the age of 22-23. Obviously, 22 is more attractive than 23. It seems like 23 was only added there to make us feel better. But for people like me that are past 23, it makes no difference.

If you are not yet 22, then lucky you!! You can look forward to being 22 and extremely attractive. For those that are already 22, make hay while the sun still shines. For those that are 23, make serious, serious, SERIOUS hay while the sun still shines (and is about to do down for good). For those that are past 23, oh well!! All we can do now is use enough foundation (popuarly known as pancake by our Nigerian men) to make ourselves look 22...or 23 at least. Some lipstick, eye pencil et al will help. Hmm, I wonder if anti-aging lotions come into play at this point, or should I wait till I age?

I don't know about you, but I'm really sick of receiving news about women from Uju. How is it that they never say anything about the men? Don't tell me they don't have some issues of their own. Seriously, all this time, I thought I was my most attractive right now. I mean, when I look back at past pictures, I think to myself, "I look wayyy better right now than I did before," so how is it now that I'm hearing my most attractive age has come and passed me by.

**SIGH**

Uju is only responsible for the news about breast feeding and the news about attractiveness, but all in favor of shutting her up, say AYE!!

Talk To Me

I have never been female, 30, accomplished... and single ... all at once. I feel a deep obligation to stress at this point that I am currently female, have always been female, and will always be female. That said, there is an epidemic out there. Women of all backgrounds, races, nationalities, and tribes are suffering the case of Manlessomnia. As one who has suffered this illness before, I can say it is so not funny!

Looking in from the outside, it is easy to say that women who are accomplished are the problem, but one never really knows. Each situation, I believe, is as unique as the woman in it. I do not know for sure what the problem is, but I'll sure love to find out!

My Mom, God bless her heart, has a thesis - which I should say I completely disagree with! A married female medical doctor (in her middle/late 30s) asked Mom if she knows any single, Nigerian men. Apparently, the doc's friends (who are also all in their 30s) are all very accomplished and also very, very single. We're talking Manlessomnia X3. Okay, I digress...

Mom came home all worried and heavy-laden. When I asked her what the problem was, she said, "Young Nigerian women are wasting away. No husbands to marry them," I should mention she looked a little too sad for these women's predicaments, considering that she does not even know them [she only knows their doctor friend]. Anyway, mom's well-thought-out thesis? Young Nigerian women are single because ALL the young Nigerian men are now gay.

I don't know about you, but this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I know there are gay Nigerian men out there (contrary to what we would like to believe), but I doubt if their gayness is correlated to these women's Manlessomnia. But what do I know? I'm just a girl who sits in front of her laptop and makes up words like Manlessomnia.

There is a reason I bring this up right now. I have scheduled this as a show on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio. If all goes well, we'll be discussing this on Saturday, August 22nd 2009 (10:00 AM U.S. EST/3:00 PM Nigerian time). BUT! Here comes the aha moment. I need co-hosts for this. The show will run only if I get co-hosts. Yes, co-hostS. As in more than one. Three, to be specific.

Here's what I need:

2 female co-hosts (You have to meet the criteria, please: female, accomplished, @ least 30, and single)

1 male co-host (You also have a criteria to meet: If you have mingled with a woman of the above description, you're good enough for me. It doesn't matter if you dated successfully or not. Whatever the story is, bring it on!)

So if you're interested, please e-mail me: radio@verastic.com I'll take the co-hosts on a first-come, first-serve basis (that's if anyone comes, of course. LOL).

P.S. Your nationality/race/tribe does not matter at all. This is not a Nigerian problem; it's a female problem. And I need serious, open-minded, and talkative people. It's a talk show, so we need to talk.

Thank you, darlings!

*Manlessomnia:
an acute
a chronic case of manlessness that causes many, many, many sleepless nights.

Ah, Women Sef...

There is a reason why men say women do not know what they want. I like to think that I know what I want. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know what I want.

On Sunday, I was walking from the parking lot and going up the steps, ascending into my church compound. In front of me was a Nigerian couple. I don't know if they were Igbo or Yoruba. The woman had a Yoruba face. The man, on the other hand, had an Igbo head. The woman was carrying the baby, and she was walking ahead of her husband. The husband was slowly following his wife's lead as he clutched the bible in his left hand and her brown hand bag in his right hand. I thought it was so sweet that he was holding her hand bag.

So why was I positively smiling as I went up the steps?

The way he held the purse, he just seemed a little too comfortable with it. The way his tummy led the way for his little portable body, it was cute. The way a smile sat on his face in spite of the skin-coloring sun, it was inspiring and amusing all at once. The way his pants sat on his abdomen, it was kind of comforting - yet bewildering. The brown hand bag knew it was safe in those hands. I was not too comfortable with the safe hands belonging to a man. So what is that I was saying again about it being sweet that he was holding his wife's purse?

Maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Maybe I'd rather my husband hold the baby while I clutch my very feminine hang bag, lest I begin to see him as less of a man. Maybe I'd rather he be so loving, caring, and confident that the thought of carrying my bag does not faze him. Maybe if he must carry it, I'd rather that he does not look so happy-go-lucky while doing it.

Or maybe I just need to shut up and leave the couple alone! Yeap, that's probably it.

Men, Men, Men!!!

That is apparently all we, women talk about.  I was looking at the table of contents for this month's Today's Black Woman magazine (with my girl, Jennifer Hudson on the cover), and look what I found...

So apparently, we have nothing else to discuss but men.  Well, I disagree!!  What about uhm...?  And uhm....?  Well, how about....?  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Oh, well.  You can't say I never tried to defend womanhood.  Hehehehe.

Men Are Under Immense Pressure

All this time, I thought women were under so much pressure.  Well, we are.  We are under pressure to be skinny, wrinkle-free, spotless, and forever 21.  Oh, let's not forget the pressure of having breasts that don't succumb to gravity, a booty that can hold a glass of water, a stomach as flat as an ironing board... you get the idea.  

But I was going through my spam folder (for my verastic email), just in case any good mail ended up there, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for men.  My spam folder has been bombarded will emails calling for me to immediately enlarge my penis size.  They must think I'm a man.  Either that or they think I'm a shemale.  Why else would my folder be flooded with crap like this? 

I was really curious to open some of them, but I cannot imagine the kind of trojan horse that will attack my laptop, so I'm just gonna pass.  However, their subjects are quite funny.  Here are a few.  My thoughts are in parenthesis.

1.  The best way to prove your virility is to get a Submariner SS watch. (What the heck is a submariner ss watch???)

2.  Impress Her In The Bedroom (I'd really rather not.)

3.  Make Her Say Yes - 3 Tips To Getting Your Lover Into Bed (So these are tips to trick her into bed.)

4.  Masturbation Myths (Tempting, but I'll pass.)

5.  Feeling Unneeded In Bed?  We Can Change It To A Different Feeling (LOL!  Honestly, I'm feeling unndeed in bed.  Those stuffed animals do not appreciate my body warmth @ all!)

6.  Your Time For Growth Enhancement (If you're talking about enhancing what I think you're talking about enhancing, then I'm sorry, I don't have it).

7.  From Now On, You Will Be Able To Please Any Size Queen (I don't know if I should be pleased about this, but I'm not.)

8.  She Can Have An Orgasm Just By Looking At Your Submariner SS Watch (Nawa o!  What is this watch made out of biko?  One thing is for sure: I have never, ever seen it.)

9. Thicker, More Muscular Manhood (For who exactly?)

10.  Make An Impression Of A Lady From The Highest Circles (I don't understand.)

11.  Lion Power In The Bedroom (I'd prefer Lioness)

12.  Shove Your Giant And Give Her Real Tension (I know this is supposed to sound dirty, but goodness, does it have to be so graphic?)

13.  Now You Can Please Your Brand New Girlfriend Easily (Brand new, yes.  Girlfriend, no.)

14.  Your Super Mega Beast Will Grow Like On Yeast (I don't understand, but I think 'super mega beast' and 'yeast' should not appear in the same sentence.)

15.  Your Bulge Will Be So Noticeable You Will Have To Wear A Kilt (And where exactly  would this bulge be located?)

16.  Your Watch Will Understand You Better Than Anyone Else (This watch again????  I'm too afraid of trojans. Or else, I woulda googled it).

17.  Women Love Enormous Tools, and Believe Us, That's The Rule (Women, let your voices be heard: how true is this?)

18.  Break Those Chains That Have Forged Your Manhood (LOL!  This almost sounds like we're binding the devil.  Break those shackles!)

19.  Now You Don't Have To Look For Something To Cover Your Manhood When You're Naked (Men do that?  Eyaa.  Poor them.)

20.  You Can Have A VIP Male Toy Inside Your Pants (Please explain.)

Now, ladies, aren't you glad you're a woman???  Imagine if you were under so much pressure to increase your manhood, please her in bed, and make her have an orgasm just by looking at your watch.  Boy!!!  I'm glad I'm a woman. 

Now all I have to do is figure out how to stay become skinny, remain spotless clean up all my spots, keep my breasts from falling have a breast reconstructive surgery, remain wrinkle-free, keep my flat tummy have surgery to take off some ribs and liposuction to flaten my stomach, plump up my butt (so that it can comfortably sit at least 5 people), and of course, remain 21 reverse my age to 21.

Yeap, being a woman is soooooooooooooooo much easier.  

Do You Like Men?

Him: Are you married?

Me: No.

Him: So you're single?

Me: Yeah.

Him: Are you into men?

Me: What...?!

Him: Do you like men?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you... I was just... I just didn't wanna come out straight and ask if you are straight. I mean you look straight...

Me: I have a boyfriend (do not question me about the veracity of this statement; thank you very much!)

Him: Oh. So you're seeing someone then?

Me: Yes.

Him: You're a very pretty lady. Again, I apologize if I offended you.

See me see wahala ooo! I still don't know what this guy was attempting to do: flirt with me? Strike up a conversation? Satisfy his curiosity? Dumbfound me? Well, he sure did dumbfound me, and not in a good way.

This is how you know the world don kpafuka finish (is spoilt). Whatever happened to the good ol' days when you just approached someone and flirted with him/her or asked him/her out? Now, you have to wonder if the person is into men, women, both, neither, or possibly animals sef. Mama mia! I have never, ever been asked if I was into men. What do people who are into men look like? I mean, he said I look like I'm into men, so what do women who are into men look like?

It was funny the way he started stammering. I guess he read the look on my face. I know he did not mean any harm by the question, but is there really any way to ask, "are you into men?" without being offensive? That's almost as bad as rubbing a woman's tummy and asking her when she's due, only to find out she's not even pregnant. How pesin go fit remove for dat kin situation (how does one escape that kind of situation)?

Anyhoo, I have no other choice than to be into men. Let's face it: you women are just toooooo much to handle. You bleed and PMS once a month (sometimes twice), you never have enough shoes, bags, and clothes, you are too sensitive, you are overly dramatic, you think too much about everything and over analyze every situation, you always think you are fat, you always think someone is talking about you, you're so darn petty, you read between non existent lines, you don't seem to know what you want in a man until you have your heart broken a few times, you talk too much (shut the heck up!), you listen to Beyonce and Oprah way too much ... sheesh the list goes on.

So yeah, come on boys ... you're just what the doctor ordered. :-)

P.S. Thanks to all those who voted for me in the Naija Bloggers Awards competition. I was nominated in five categories, and I walked away with two awards. Thanks!!! To all those who didn't vote for me... in your face... ha!!! LOL. Now, voting has begun for Category B, so biko, go and vote for ya gal! I was nominated in 5 categories. I will put up an acceptance speech when the whole thing is over. Why not, if not?