For The Love Of Tigeress

Verastically Speakin Talk Radio will be airing on Saturday, and we'll be talking about women who are accomplished, at least 30, and single. It's gonna be hawt!! Tune in www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic And if you have any comments on the issue, you know where to reach me ---> radio@verastic.com

I'll be co-hosting with Good Naija Girl, Rosie, KC (a guy), a girl in London whose real name I cannot disclose at the moment because I don't know if she wants it disclosed, and... Tigeress! Yes, our very own Tigeress. I e-mailed her and begged her to co-host, but the girl - such an extortionist! - insisted that we meet face to face. So meet, we did.

On Friday, August 14th 2009, I had a busy day, but I made it all the way to see Tigeress (even though she was about 40 minutes away from me. Yes, this is love), and we met. The babe is fine ooo! And I got to play with her birthday hair. But we forgot to take pics. Some other time.

On my way, my face looked just the way I felt: tired. So while I was driving, before I got to the tunnel, I took the opportunity to do a little make-up. Make-up here = only eye pencil. There is a reason why we are advised not to do make-up and drive at the same time. The way the eye pencil was drawn everywhere but where I wanted it, it looked like I had suffered two black eyes on one eye. Even I, was afraid of myself. I was eventually able to wipe it off and make it look descent. All for the love of Tigeress, of course.

When I was almost on her street, I had to park and turn my hazzard lights on. Why? My magic lip gloss was missing! Okay, it's not magic per se, but it's my favorite, and I wanted to put it on - just for Tigeress. Alas, that did not come to be. I was stuck with vaseline *sigh*

I planned on leaving at 8 PM (cause I just had to be home in time to watch Monk @ 9:00 PM), but that didn't happen. You see, Tigeress took a liking - more like a "loving" - to me and practically went down on her knees and begged me to stay. As the kind-hearted person that I am, I couldn't say no. How can one say no to that birthday hair? So stay, I did.

We were going to get chicken from some Naija joint, but that didn't happen. Tigeress found interest in something someone else. Unfortunately, I left 10 minutes before her friend came back with the chicken. My only regret is that Bumight went there after me, and I fear that she ate what would have been mine. I hoped she will choke on it, but she's still tweeting; I think that means she did not choke. One of two things could have happened: 1 - She didn't eat the chicken. 2 - She ate the chicken and didn't choke. Aaaahhh.

Well, that's it for now, folks!! Be back Saturday.

P.S. This Saturday show is attracting a lotta attention. I wonder why. I may or may not be getting two more co-hosts. Hey, the more the merrier, right? But boy... so much estrogen! Thank goodness I have a man on the show too. A little testosterone to calm my their nerves.

On Bridesmaids...

So, Bumight struck a chord with me on her recent post about wanting to be a bridesmaid. I have been a bridesmaid only one time in my life, and that was when I was Busola's maid of honor. It goes without saying that it was Busola's honor to have me as her maid of honor. Soon, I'm gonna be a bridesmaid for another friend, and no, I'm not gonna tell you who, when, or where. I talked about Busola's nuptials so much that my picture was found by many people. Once bitten, twice shy. I refuse to talk about this wedding. There were two other times I was part of a wedding: once when I was my aunt's little bride (gosh, I was too hawt!), and the other time, I was an usher (or was it a hostess??); the point is that we wore a beautiful burgundy gown.

Our dear Bumight has never had the honor expense of being a bridesmaid. Sure, you'll look cute (if you're not made to wear some butt ugly dress that highlights all your flaws), and sure, you'll have your pictures taken by a professional photographer. Let's not forget the chance to walk arm in arm with what is hopefully an eligible bachelor - if only for that day. I think my favorite part is when the bridal party dances into the reception. That's when I can show my kolomentality in the name of dance moves - not that I really have any.

Anyways, Bumight wants to be my bridesmaid. What wedding, you ask? Well, Bumight has joined the other crazy people (Funmi & Busola) in planning my wedding to my valentine. Bumight, don't worry; you, Funmi, and Busola are obviously all being carried in the same boat. Funmi and Busola have already started planning the speech they will give at my wedding. They even argue about whose speech will be better. Needless to say, I am not part of this conversation, but it is quite entertaining to listen to. Sometimes, I do indulge them, I must admit. I have long since removed all doubts about Funmi's and Busola's insanity. They're certified 'crase people.' And you, Bumight, have joined them. Congratulations!

For you, Bumight (and anyone else who might be interested in being my bridesmaid), please read below.

1. All bridesmaids must have their dresses (which I will design) sewn by Vera Wang.

2. Once chosen as a bridesmaid, no bridesmaid, can decline the offer.

3. Each bridesmaid must get to the wedding in a stretch hummer limousine that will be paid for by the bridesmaid. One bridesmaid per limo, please!

4. Each bridesmaid must buy the aso-ebi lace, of course, which will cost only $2000 for 5 yards.

5. Each bridesmaid must use that asoebi material to sew a style that I have designed: micro mini skirt & half top - with the words, "Vera's Maid" inscribed boldly across the chest.

6. Each bridesmaid must wear a pair of gold metalic stripper shoes designed by either Manolo Blahnik or Christian Louboutin. And no, they will not be stripping @ my wedding! The groomsmen are welcome to, though. :)

7. Anyone who is interested in being a Verastic bridesmaid should please answer the 5 questions below & mail it to my P.O.BOX immediately. Though I am not getting married yet (in fact, I'm not even engaged), it is imperative that I plan ahead, no? Please mail in your Verastic Bridesmaid application ASAP, and you will get a response once the wedding date has been set.

Verastic Application Form [all areas marked with asteris (*) are required, and the number of *s denotes how much power this question has...in determining if you get the honorable position or not. Answer wisely, my friends.]

*Name:

*Address & Number:

**********How much are you willing to donate to the Verastic wedding?

**********How soon can you start the donation?

Why do you want to be a Verastic bridesmaid?


All readers are eligible to become Verastic bridesmaids. I have even decided to shatter myths by allowing men to become my bridesmaids, so RocNaija, Rethots, Aloofar, Chari, Black007, Fine Agbero Boy, Jaguda, Nuggetzman, Danny Bagucci, Dabizniz, Darius Williams, Tobenna, Webround, Aribaba, Doug, NaijaDude, Banky W, Emeka Amakeze, Boorish Male, Naughty Eyes, Dante, NaijaLeta, Engineer Ayo, Mr C, Carlang and the rest of our male bloggers (and readers) are all free to apply. C'mon, I know you've all been picturing yourselves in pretty dresses & gowns, sashaying down the aisle all prim & proper. Admit it already and do the right thing!

This may come as a shock to you - considering how competitive this position is - but it costs absolutely nothing to apply for this position. Yes, I know.... I'm awefully sweet! Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself!

So Bumight, how you take see am?

This Is For You, Bumight

Yes, I know you have changed your name, but I like Bumight better. For those that are wondering why I am dedicating an entire post to Bumight, it is because a while ago, she put up a handwritten post - something I told her to never, ever do, so before I even read the post, I left a comment reminding her that I had warned her to never subject me to read her handwriting. It was only after commenting that I went back to read and realized she also had a typed version, specially for me. Oops. I apologized oh, but my darling Bumight insisted that I dedicate an entire post to her, so Bumight, this one here is for you.

Bumight, my darling, my love, my sugar, sweetie, it is with a broken heart that I approach you on this semi-cloudy day in Baltimore, begging and pleading that you forgive me. You know what you mean to me, baby, but just in case you don't know, I will remind you. You, Bumight are the only fungi on my feet, the only rashes on my neck, the only birth mark on my middle left toe, the only maggot in my fish, the only insect in my beans. You're my darling, Bumight.

From the bottom of the bottom of my heart, I plead that you forgive me. From the stretch marks that have appeared on my hips (due to rapid stretching), I plead that you forgive me. From the mysterious brown dot that resides on my left butt cheek, I plead that you forgive me. [I am still investigating this brown dot, and I am currently seeking extra hands and eyes. Touching and kissing of Vera's bum might be necessary. All interested candidates, please apply]. I am tempted to put a picture of the brown dot, but I will respect myself. From my belly button which has recoiled and disappeared into a hole where I cannot reach it or pull it out, I am sorry.

From my right butt cheek which still bears that scar I got when I refused to stay still while my father was injecting me at the age of 5, I am sorry. I am also tempted to put up a picture of this scar, but once again, respect - more like shame - has won. From my arms which are still tanned and discolored from standing under the sun for too long in May, I am sorry. From my thighs which seem to be lighter than the rest of my body, I am sorry. From my armpits which take FOREVER to grow hair, I am sorry. From my eyes which have been described as 'Chinese,' I am sorry. From my elbows which are crazily darker than my arms, I am sorry.

Bumight, ever since that post of yours, I have not slept. Sleep has not found me. I have gone around searching for sleep, but she has hidden her face from me. Please, say you have forgiven me, so that normalcy can be restored to my life. I want to begin to live Verastically again. I have neither eaten nor drunk. I have not even blinked or taken a breath. That is how much you affect my life, Bumight.

From the very first time I set my eyes on you, I knew I had to have you. Forgive what I said on your blog. Like I told you, it was our enemies that wrote through me. The fact of the matter is that I find your handwriting to be very, very beautiful (tongue in cheek), and once upon a time, I used to write like that when I was about two years old. But these our haters, they want to come between our love, Bumight. They are trying to separate us. But how can one separate rice from beans? Okay, fine. Maybe rice & beans can be separated, but we are a different kind of rice & beans. We are the original, 100% rice & beans.

To prove my love and dedication, I am willing to do the unbelievable. All you have to do is drop out of that yeye med school of yours. I've told you that you're not even on their level sef. You're better than allllll of them, including the teachers. Drop out and open your own hospital - Bumight & Sons International Hospital Plc. Together, we will perform an open heart surgery on a blogger of our choice. I personally think we should start with that Afrobabe of a girl who always goes around commenting first on everyone's blog. Once I get her out of my way, I can move up the ladder. If the surgery does not succeed.... i.e. if Afrobabe ends up being less alive than she was before the surgery, we will hide the body under Naijaleta's bed. No reason for picking Naijaleta. He's just been on my mind lately. [Naijaleta, gerrout of my mind! This is invasion of privacy!]. The evidence of the attempted surgery will be erased. No1 will ever know we even attempted it.

So Bumight, my love, what say you?