You Got What For Christmas???

When I was 14 (in Nigeria), my dad went to the store and bought me a Christmas dress - as was the tradition for Christmas and Easter. Big mistake for this particular year. Mom should have gone with him - as she usually did. He came back with a peach and ivory poufy dress. Not only was the dress a mama-tie-me-for-back dress, but it was also a Mary-Amaka dress. In other words, it had a very long belt that had to be tied at the back, and it (the dress) was also very long. Did I mention I was 14 --- and in JSS3 (9th grade)???

My father is the reason why I am now very adamant about letting a man shop for me. He is also the reason why I am now also very adamant about eating a man's food. Memories of my father's burnt-tomato stew and ball-filled pap (akamu) still linger in my mind. Until they fully dissipate, I'll shop for myself, and when eating any food cooked by a man, I'll have Pepto Bismal handy. I feel obligated to mention that Mr. Shoes, however, is a fantabulous cook. If I don't mention it, he'll start whining grumbling.

My mother did not like the dress, but she said I had to wear it because dad had bought it already. That Christmas was just --- just --- I don't even know the word. The entire time we were in church, my head was bowed down in shame; I didn't want anyone to see me in that dress. Needless to say, that was a futile aim. It was Christmas for Pete's sake. Even the witches went to church on Christmas Day, so of course, everyone got to see me in the dress. That was the first and last time I ever wore that dress. It was so poufy that at least one child could hide under me and not be found.

When I think of horrible-gift stories, the humorous story that usually comes to mind is the episode of Cosby where someone - can't remember who - gave Bill Cosby a soap-on-a-rope as a gift. Seriously?!?! Christmas is upon us, so when you're giving someone a gift, think about its usefulness. If you're going to spend money buying a gift, don't you want the gift to be used?

On Saturday, December 5th 2009, I'll be talking about Christmas and gifts on the radio. Be rest assured you'll enjoy the show. But more than that, on Thursday or Friday, I'll update my blog and introduce you to some kind and generous vendors who are willing to give you discounts on their products - just for being Verastic readers/listeners. Thank you!!! Watch this space. As usual, there's a poll for next week's show. It's on the top of the right sidebar.

So tell me, what horrible, totally useless gift(s) have you received?

My Boyfriend Used To Date My Friend.

No, I do not now have, nor have I ever had a boyfriend who has dated my friend. But if I did, I guess that's how it'll slip out of my mouth, "My boyfriend used to date my friend." Perhaps, there are more fanciful ways to put it, but that's not important right now.

Tomorrow, Saturday, November 28th 2009, Mustapha and I will be talking about dating a friend's ex. Is it okay to do so? I'm not going to speak for everyone, but I know that before I took the time to sit down and think critically about tomorrow's show, I had a different outlook. If you had asked my thoughts on dating a friend's ex, I would have said, No! No!! No!!!

But what if you're destined to be with this friend's ex? How do you even know you're destined to be together? What if the relationship with the friend went stale years before you and the ex got involved? What if you were instrumental in the break-up of the relationship? What if the friend and the ex used to be married? What if the friend and the ex have children? What if the friend is now dead? Would it feel better if the friend gives his/her consent? Would it feel better if you and the friend's ex live in a different place - like a different continent?

Someone asked via twitter "Is this question any different from 'would you date your ex's friend'?" Hmm. You tell me ... would it be any different? I'll let you marinade in these scenarios until tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I'm still enjoying my okoro soup - with assorted meats, of course! I'll tell you all about it later - my Thanksgiving Day and my soup, I mean.

If you haven't voted on the poll, there's still time to do it. It's on the top right sidebar.

Click here at 10am U.S. EST (4pm Nigerian time) tomorrow to listen to the show live.

** Next week Saturday (December 5th 2009) is the Christmas show. I'm still accepting ideas for gifts. If you sell a product or service that you would like to offer to the Verastic readers and listeners, e-mail me asap radio@verastic.com

** If you have song suggestions for the show, e-mail radio@verastic.com

You've probably forgotten, so let me remind you >>>>> GO VOTE!!! J

Vehicular Crushes

Anyone that has been reading my blog and/or articles probably knows that I have a certain - let's call not call it obsession - with Range Rovers, but what no one knows is that the Range Rover is actually my second vehicular crush.

My first vehicular crush is the Beetle Bug (Volks Wagen Beetle). I started liking it when I was about five or six years old, thanks to Dad. He gave me a key. I still don't know what that key was for. I now suspect that it was a key to an old car he no longer had. But Dad gave me a key and told me that it was the key to my Bug. I guarded that key with everything I had. It never did occur to me that it was impossible to have a key without actually owning the car. Oh, the gullibility of a child. Since then, I have not quite gotten over it - the car, I mean.

Every chance he got, Dad asked, "Do you still have that key?" And I would run and go get it from wherever I hid it. And when I was bad, he even threatened not to give me my Bug (he made it sound as if the Bug was already parked behind the house or something). I am ashamed to say that I believed this fable for a very long time. I will not say the age, but I was almost an adolescent before I thought critically about my prospective Bug and realized it was not forthcoming - at least not from my Dad.

When I went to Carmax to buy my car, I badly, badly, badly wanted a Beetle bug. But my budget was below the asking price for all the Bugs I found, so I came home with a Toyota Corolla instead. I named him Fotunatus. Don't ask me why. He's been pretty good. Has given me no problems. But I digress.

This is what I picture when I think of a Bug. White is my favorite Bug color. Green is my worst. Yuck. Picture courtesy of www.vwvortex.com

I hear Volks Wagen is changing the design of the Beetle Bug. This is what it's going to look like. I don't know how I feel about this change. Is it just me, or is it starting to look like a Mini Cooper? Picture courtesy of www.autoworld.wordpress.com

I don't know at what point I fell in love with the Range Rover. I don't even know which one I like better: Range Rover or Range Rover Sport? I think the Range Rover Sport, but I'm not very sure of the difference. I was almost going to test drive one of it, but I backed out. What if I mistakenly put a dent in it? I cannot even afford to buy one of its tires. Perhaps, I should test drive it later, I decided. I love the Range Rover Sport in charcoal black. White or off-white won't be so bad either.

Can you picture me in one of these babies? I promise I'll pop my hood if you need a ride. Picture courtesy of www.rangerover.com

Yeap, there goes the other color I love. Picture courtesy of www.rangerover.com

Then the Toyota Rav-4 happened. Now, this one took me by complete surprise because I used to hate dislike the Rav-4. I now know that it's the older models I had a problem with. I still hate dislike the older ones, but the newer ones ... wow. Mr. Shoes thinks I'm a very girly girl for liking the Rav-4 and the Beetle Bug. I happen to disagree! The prettiest colors are in white (off white actually) and Magnetic Gray Metallic.

This is the magnetic gray metallic color of the Rav-4. Love it! Picture courtesy of www.toyota.com

This is what the front of the Rav-4 looks like. Picture courtesy of www.toyota.com

I don't have the money for any of these vehicles, but I do intend to get as many of them as I can... for FREE. How? Wouldn't you like to know?

To Hold On Or To Let Go: That Is The Question!

"Sometimes, the best way to hold on is to let go..."

Spoken by my newest co-host, Mustapha.

I'm not sure what is easier to do in a relationship: holding on or letting go? If I had to take a wild guess, I'd say it's easier to hold on than it is to let go, but I don't have any scientific proof. Scientific proof is needed for everthing these days. Even God needs to scientifically prove that He is God, and that He really did create us and the world we live in. But I digress.

In exactly ten (10) hours, Verastically Speakin Talk Radio (that is now fondly called the Verastic Show by its wonderful listeners) will go LIVE, and we will be talking about when to hold on and when to let go of a relationship. I cannot promise that listening to the show will give you an epiphany about what the next step should be in your relationship; what I can promise is that you'll enjoy the show, you'll learn a little - hopefully a lot, and you'll definitely laugh.

Funmie is one of the co-hosts. If you've never heard her voice; don't worry... you'll know it's her. Just listen for the loudest person. According to the Verastic Show listeners, she often sounds like she's talking with a microphone. But that's just her voice - her inside voice for that matter!

Reverence is also one of the co-hosts. You'll probably know it's her. She'll be the one shaking like a dry leaf in winter, afraid of disagreeing with the loud one (Funmie).

And finally, Mustapha will be there. He'll give us words of wisdom - like that quote in the beginning of this post - and he might make us laugh. He's quite the comedian as I've come to realize. Hopefully, though, he won't sing. Sorry, Mustapha... that karaoke scarred me! J

Between the time this post comes up and the time the polls close, you have exactly 9.5 hours to vote, so go vote! It's on the top right sidebar. Thank you, sweethearts.

When you're done voting, click here at 10:00 am U.S. EST (4: 00 pm Nigerian time) to listen to the show.

E-mail radio@verastic.com if you have any comments. Or call/text 1.443.934.9039. Of course, you can always tweet away too www.twitter.com/verastic

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Reminder:

The December 5th show - The Christmas Gifts That Should - is already being organized. If you have any suggestions for gifts that should or should not be given and/or to whom said gifts or any other gifts should be given, e-mail radio@verastic.com asap

If you sell a product or render a service that you wish to offer to the Verastic readers/listeners, e-mail radio@verastic.com asap.

Other than that, you can expect to hear my beaurriful voice in 10 hours. How lucky are you! Hehehe.

18th Of November?? Really???

The other day, I was talking to Baroka aka K Travula on the phone, and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. That was when it struck me: my birthday is in two months time! I don't remember ever being asked what I want for my birthday and not having an answer. This just goes to show one thing:

• 2009 has moved along wayyyyyyyy too quickly. I've barely had time to enjoy being XX.

On that note, I will now go and work on my Christmas [December], birthday [January], Valentine [February], and just-because [March - November] gifts. It's imperative that God and everyone else know what I want. Yes? Yes!

That said, I should bring you in on the few remaining shows on Verastically Speakin this year. I'm quite excited about them - especially the last one. The schedule is on the left sidebar, so I won't reiterate everything here.

However, I just need to point out that on Saturday, December 5th 2009, we'll be talking about Christmas gifts (what to give, how to give, whom to give...), so I need ideas and sponsors. If you own a business and would love to pitch in and offer discounts, please let me know. If you have ideas about how to give or what to give, let me know too >> radio@verastic.com 1.443.934.9039

On Saturday, December 12th 2009, we'll be talking about travelling to Nigeria. This is going to be one funny show. What do you pack when you're going to Nigeria? How do you pack? What do you expect? Mosquitoes? Heat? Endless supply of suya? Limitless sponsorship by fine, rich men? *cough* Maybe this last one is just me then. I'll be co-hosting with Rosie. Interestingly, she doesn't know it yet. If she reads this post, this would be her first time finding out. Hehehe.

On Saturday, December 19th 2009, we'll be having the FINAL show for the year. And this is the funnest one of them all, I think. It's called Randomisity. And that is exactly what it would be: random. I have a few co-hosts lined up. They're looking forward to it, I believe. I'll know their exact feelings once I actually tell them that they're co-hosting. Callers will have 5 minutes - and 5 minutes ONLY - to call in and talk with us about anything. People in the chat room are welcome to suggest things too. If you have something you want us to discuss for five minutes on that day, but won't be able to call in, e-mail it now radio@verastic.com I don't know the volume of topics we'll be getting, so we'll do them on a first-come, first-serve basis. In other words, the sooner you send your topics, the better. And for the callers, the sooner you call in, the better too.

Now, I must return to thinking about my gifts. Very, very, very important stuff!

P.S. There's a new poll [on the right sidebar] for the upcoming show - When To Let Go & When To Hold On - co-hosted by Funmie and Reverence.

I feel sorry for Reverence. On my last post, she had this to say about Funmie,

"She does not look as scary as she sounds on the show. Sometimes I am almost scared for the life of the people that disagree with her...."

Anyone else looking forward to this collaboration as much as I am? Go vote!!!

Styling & Profiling: Funmie

I talk about Funmie a lot here. Funmie this. Funmie that. By the way, she's the one who insists that her name be spelled with an e - Funmie instead of Funmi. She thinks it's special that way. I guess it is. I'm styling and profiling her because I realize that each time I mention her name, I don't have any single post to link her name to. For first time readers, they might want to know who the heck Funmie is and why her name appears so many times on Verastic dot com.

I met Funmie in 2002. Since then, it's seemed like we have gotten closer by the minute. We have a lot in common. Too many sad, unfortunate things in common. But it has helped build our character. Of course, there are also those moments that we think or say the same thing at the same time. Spooky. I'm trying hard not to make her big head swell - the head is really big already - but this babe is more than words can say. She's so giving, so generous, so nice, and so flippin' annoying because of that. I hate that she can be so --- so --- what's the word? Passive?? I hate it.

Her niceness overwhelms me sometimes - and not in a good way. I just want to scream. The way I'm sounding, you'll think I'm one fierce, no-nonsense girl, but that's hardly the case. Or maybe it's the case. I'm not even sure about myself. I think I'm an under cover fierce babe. I usually start off smiling and pretending to be nice. But I digress...

Funmie is my self-hired administrative assistant. Yes, she employed herself as my administrative assistant, and so far, I'm not quite sure how I feel about her job performance. I still end up doing what I want her to do, and she claims it's my fault because I'm supposed to send her reminders. Seriously???

I have to commend Funmie though. She is my biggest [female] fan. (We'll get to the biggest male fan later). I cannot even believe I have a friend who is this excited and interested in me. She reads every single blog post. She's even subscribed to it. She listens LIVE to every single radio show. The only time she did not call in was the weekend she was seriously ill, but even then, she still listened to it LIVE. When she was very busy helping a friend cook, she still listened via phone and called in. The chic just surprises me.

She's done a lot more actually. But these will have to suffice for now. I often fantasize about the day I'll have some money, take her shopping, and totally blow her mind. Enjoy the pictures.

If I lay my hands on that red belt, it's mine forever.

Only Funmie can tell you what she was doing to that Christmas light decoration (Oh, my goodness! Can't believe it's already almost a year since we took this picture).

Someone is trying to pretend to be quiet...

But this is her true color right here .... the crazy girl you hear shouting on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

...And yes, I know I spelled her name as Funmi (instead of Funmie) in the tag. I can't be bothered to change the tag in all the posts with her name, so her tag will have to remain as Funmi.

Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender... Yes ooo!!!

"Is it not a bit problematic that at my age, I have never been on a date? It is days like this one that make me wonder if my fears and preconceived notions are true: are there really no Nigerian or at least African men on E-Harmony dot com? That website has promised to match me on twenty-nine different dimensions of compatibility. That is a whole lot more than what I have been able to do for myself. And what about Match dot com? Dr. Phil has told me that it is okay to look there. So I have looked – but just at their home page. I am not quite ready to divulge into anything else yet. Chemistry dot com has vowed to find me a person who will make me go weak in the knees. Now, that is the kind of passion I want!"

The above paragraph was pulled from an article written by yours truly - yes me - in December of 2008. That was when I was desperately in need for someone to date me jejely and tenderly. Wait a minute, I was not desperately in need. I just thought it'd be nice to be dated jejely and tenderly for once.

In case you're wondering, I really did visit the homepage of Match dot com, and I really did wonder if there are Nigerian/African men on E-Harmony dot com, although I did not plan on signing up. Overall, my favorite site's slogan was and still is Chemistry dot com. They promised to find me a man who would make me go weak in the knees. Mm mm mm!!! I'm weak in the knees already just thinking about it. Who does not want weak-in-the-knees chemistry?

Why do I bring this up now? On Saturday, November 14th, Good Naija Girl and I would be discussing virtual dating on Verastically Speakin. Oh, yes!!! Have you voted in the poll up there? Well, go vote, please, and then click here on Saturday morning to listen.

P.S. I've been a little busy with church this entire week, but it has been a blessing to say the least. If you're in the Baltimore area, it's not yet late to attend the Shiloh Festival at House of Praise, Baltimore Church. See the bottom of this post for more details.

Or else .... talk to you on Saturday - 10am U.S. EST (4pm Nigerian time). >>> radio@verastic.com for e-mails concerning this show or any other show on Verastically Speakin.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid (1)

This post is probably one of them.

You ever notice how people conveniently avoid the woman with the baby on the flight? You can't blame them really. What are the chances that the baby will not scream them to oblivion? It's not like they can yell at the baby. Well, they can --- but imagine who would be the bad guy after that. Besides, that would probably cause the baby to scream longer and louder.

I remember this flight I was on, and there was a woman, her baby, and another woman whom I assumed to be her mother. I sat next to them because that was the nearest open seat I found. I happen to be one of those people who avoid the baby-having passengers like a plague. When we were however-many-thousands of feet in the air, I decided to pull out that tiny little table - if you would call it that - attached to the back seat of the passenger in front of you. With my text book on it, I decided to tackle my 30-questions long assignment.

But this baby, this cute little blonde, blue-eyed baby ... it just could not resist the shine of my pencil. It kept pulling it away from me. I did not really mind. I was bothered by something else. I could not tell if this baby was a boy or a girl. Its ears were not pierced, so it was hard to tell. The style and colors of its clothes were unisex - a dull green color. Its hair was short, and it had not yet received its first hair cut - I was sure - so the style of its hair was misleading. Besides, I know how Black babies' hair can morph into a Punk-lookalike hair cut. If you did not know better, you'd swear the baby's mother was trying to make her child look like Bobby Brown - back when he was somebody. Or maybe that only happens to Nigerian babies. But I digress.

So this baby kept pulling my pencil. If I could steal it - yes, the baby, take it to the bathroom and open its diapers, I would have. I was so curious to know if it was a boy or a girl. Not knowing was terribly uncomfortable. It kept smiling at me. Its smile said nothing about its gender. I think it was probably because it did not have teeth. It was not the flirtatious smile of a boy baby to a female; neither was it the mischievous smile of a girl baby to a girl [sorry girls!]. I just had to know; if not for anything, I needed to stop the mental argument going on in my head where I referred to the baby as he, she, and it - all at once. No, calling it the baby just wouldn't do either. So why didn't I just ask? I don't know. I just could not bring myself to ask the question. How would I have asked?

• Is it a boy or a girl?
• He's a boy?
• What's her name?
• So uhm ... did you get its gender checked before you had it?
• May I see its birth certificate for a second?
• Do you mind if I borrow your baby for a minute? Just need to go to the bathroom and check something real quick.

D'oh! I just got an idea. I could have asked: So what's the baby's name? Well, too late now! I'll never find them again. But now that I think of it, the baby could have had a unisex name like Jamie or Chibuzo. Okay, fine. Maybe the chance of a White, blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby answering Chibuzo is slim, but it's not totally impossible.

Maybe I should not have blogged about my desire to take a woman's baby into the bathroom and expose its genitals. You think that might be sending the wrong message? Yeah, me too. The good news is that I am semi anonymous, and most of you don't know what I look like - hopefully. The bad news is that I am kidding myself and the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) peeps might start looking at me weird.

Yeap. Some things are definitely better left unsaid.

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Something that does need to be said, however, is the Annual Shiloh Festival at House of Praise Baltimore Church. It started yesterday, Nov. 8th, and it will end on Sunday Nov. 15th 2009. I was there yesterday [Apostle Sunny Aiyemo (from Nigeria) preached], and it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E - to say the least. If you're the Baltimore area, consider making a date with the LORD. I'll be doing the same for the days I can make it. The schedule is below.

Day	Date	Time	Pastor
Monday	Nov. 9th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Tuesday	Nov. 10th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Wednesday	Nov. 11th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Thursday	Nov. 12th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Friday	Nov. 13th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Saturday	Nov. 14th	7:00 pm	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure
Sunday	Nov. 15th	9:00 am & 11:00 am	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure

** Saturday's service is actually a praise event, so come there with your singing voice and your dancing shoes. And wear your African outfit, if you can.

** For Tuesday's service, Apostle Sunny Aiyemo has requested that you bring a bottle of water with you.

Contact info:

Address: 6101 Moravia Park Drive

Baltimore, MD, 21206.

Tel: 1.410.483.6101n OR 1.410.483.6107

E-mail: admin@houseofpraisebaltimore.org

Website: www.houseofpraisebaltimore.org

What Do Women Want?

I am not due for an update till tomorrow, but tomorrow is when the show on Verastically Speakin will come up, asking and tackling what I will now dramatize and call the ultimate question: What Do Women Want??? That is why I have decided to blog about it today. I want you to have at least twenty-four hours to think about it. I will be co-hosting with Diamond-Hawk & Rosie. Rosie has conveniently changed her name to Lucid Lilith, which has been a tongue twister for me - even now as I type it, it's a finger twister, so I have reserved my right to call her Rosie. So....

What exactly do women want?

• Love?
• Romance?
• Respect?
• Companionship?
• Loyalty?
• Security?
• Stability?
• All of the above ... plus a totally smackable bum? [Okay, maybe just me then].

I know what I want, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. And no, it's not just about the smackable bum. Thank you very much. I also know what the men think women want. They think we don't know what we want. Well, do we have news for them or what?

I remember when I used to want a man who will want to do a lot of public display of affection with me. I quickly realized that I had to narrow my want; apparently, the public display of affection didn't feel quite good when I was not into the man in the first place. I remember when I used to want a man who would have all sorts of sweet terms of endearment for me - baby, honey, sweetie - then I realized I would prefer that he not say baby every five seconds. I remember when I used to want a man who would know the little things about me. Oh, yes... then I got that one that remembered my bra size, but not my last name. I would have probably felt better if he had at least seen the bra. But to think that my very public last name was WAEC to him....

Tsk. Tsk.

I know I know what I want now.

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The poll is up there. If you have not voted, please do. If you have voted, try to vote again because your vote might not count. Reason is that I had to redo this poll four times, and each time I redid it, I had to take off the one you already voted on, so please vote again. Thank you.

Last but not least, the time for the show has changed. Well, the time in U.S. is the same, but outside of U.S., it might not be the same. U.S. changed time on Sunday; the clock went back one hour, so Nigeria, for example, is now six hours ahead of us, instead of five. That said, if you're in Nigeria, Verastically Speakin' will air at 4pm your time NOT 3pm. I said 4pm oooo!!!! It's still 3pm GMT. Apparently, it used to be 4pm GMT - even though I've been proudly saying 3pm GMT and none of you corrected me. Confused? Maybe the table below will help.

U.S. Eastern Time [ex: New York]	10am
U.S. Central Time [ex: Chicago]	9am
U.S. Mountain Time [ex: Arizona, Utah]	8am
U.S. Pacific Time [ex: Los Angeles, Seattle]	7am
Nigerian Time	4pm
U.K. Time	3pm
GMT Time	3pm

If I do not have your general vicinity listed up there, I apologize. Please check www.greenwichmeantime.com I did, of course, consider listing all the countries in the world and their time on my blog - cause you know how the entire world just can't wait to tune into Verastically Speakin,' - but the space on my blog just wouldn't do. Plus, it's kind of late, and I just want to sleep.

So make sure you tune into Verastically Speakin tomorrow and find out what women want. Yippee! E-mails go here >> radio@verastic.com Phone calls before and after the show go here >> 1.443.934.9039 Phone calls during the show [to join the conversation on air] go here >> 1.646.929.1905 Tweets go here www.twitter.com/verastic

And of course, money goes here >> P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

$$$ *Hint, hint* Women [Vera] want[s] money!! $$$

>>>>Don't forget to vote in the poll!! Talk to you tomorrow! J

It's Official

Majid Michel is my favorite [young] African actor.

Sorry, Naija folks! The Ghanaian one stole my heart. Is anyone as crazy for Majid as I am? Well, it's his acting that I am really crazy about. And no, seeing his bare bum in his latest movie, Heart of Men has absolutely nothing to do with my decision.

About Heart of Men ... have you seen it? Compared to your typical African movies, this one is good. I mean, it has a good plot with twists and turns. This movie has earned the right to say it's full of suspense. You know how every Nigerian movie - especially the stupid ones - always say they are full of suspense and intrigue. :::HISSSSS:::

That said, the movie could have been better. The plot, that is. The way it ended left me wondering some things, and even before it ended, I felt one or two things could have been done differently. I do have to commend them on the whole reminiscing thing. You know how Nigerian movies reminisce. Usually, the camera zooms into the sweaty face of the character, and then they replay the entire scene of whatever the character is remembering - which is usually like all of part 1! But that didn't happen in this movie. Nope. Enough about Heart of Men. This is about Majid ...

Good guy or bad guy, nice or mean, sensitive or insensitive, romantic or thoughtless .... he really gets into his character. I'll watch any movie, if Majid is in it. I'll watch a stupid movie to the end, if Majid is in it. Do you know how many smacks I could have given his bare bum in Heart of Men? ::Clearing throat:: It won't, of course, feel as good as smacking Mr. Shoe's bum. Hehehe. That was one heck of a smackable bum. [Hopefully, my mom will not read this]. Oh, but back to Majid ... did I forget to mention that Heart of Men has a lot of sex scenes? Oh, boy! Chics with no shirts on, Majid with no pants on .... mm mm mm!!! I should clarify that the part with shirtless chics totally didn't go anything for me... although I got to admire their bras - before they came off. Wonder where they got them. Oh, whatever. They'll be too small for me anyway.

Now, does anyone know where or how I can get Majid's number??? I just want to say hi, that's all.

There She Goes Again...

My mom.

There she goes again.

Yesterday was Halloween. For the Non-Americans, Halloween is a day that people - children and adults alike - dress up in costumes and go around at night (or evening time, rather) knocking on people's doors and begging for candy. As a Christian - a Nigerian one for that matter - I don't celebrate Halloween. Several years ago, I read up on the history of Halloween. It's been years, so my details might be rusty, but according to what I read and what I remember, Halloween Day is a day that ghosts of dead people are believed to roam the earth. So in order not to be attacked by the ghosts, people dress like them, so that way, they blend right in with the ghosts.

That said, Halloween is not quite as scary as it used to be. It's gone sexy all of a sudden - just like every other thing. People now dress in skimpy little outfits (like Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, etc) all in the name of Halloween. Some people dress like bugs - example, my neighbors. I wonder if I would be held responsible for hitting a human being if I were to knock down one of these human sized bugs with my car. I wouldn't want to find out anyway. People were roaming the streets today looking like all sorts of things. Some were cute, I admit. But I'm still not celebrating Halloween - and neither are my future children.

So, back to mom. few days ago, she was complaining about how she did not want to take part in Halloween by handing candy to the kids that knock on the door. Typically, people that don't want to take part in Halloween just turn off their lights and call it a night. But not my mom! She came up with her own handy dandy plan, which made perfect sense - in her head: she'll hand the kids akara. Yes, akara. As in the greasy balls we [Nigerians] make from beans and deep fry in oil. Yeap, that one.

No, the kids are not Nigerians. In fact, in my neighborhood, they are mostly White.

Yes, this idea made perfect sense in my mom's head.

Her reason? "It's just to show them what else they can do with beans ...."

I've got a few questions for mom:

1. Who told you these kids want to know else what they can do with beans?
2. Who even told you they eat beans?
3. How are we going to serve this akara? In ziplock bags or straight into their little palms?
4. Will the akaras also accompany a recipe?

Thankfully, we never did get around to handing out akaras - not because mom changed her mind and decided to save us the humiliation, but because she was too busy to make the akara.

Thank God for small mercies, huh?

Dear Boyfriend, Will You Give Me Your Password?

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your e-mail account? Yes, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all five of my e-mail accounts, but still, I'd like to check up on yours - every now and then. Although I'll probably not even have the time to do so, I'd like to know that if I were to wake up one morning feeling a little unsafe or unsure about our relationship... and I were to feel compelled to check up on your e-mail account, I would have the access to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your phone? I promise I won't reply any text message - no matter how questionable I might find it. I just want to know who is texting you and what she is writing. I'm curious about who is calling you and how long you spend talking to her. I won't pick up your calls - unless you're not there and I feel it necessary to take the calls. If that happens, I promise not to be rude. I have no intention to listen to your voicemail, but I hope you won't mind if I become curious enough to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the pin to your bank account? I don't want to withdraw your money. I don't want to steal from you. It'll just make me feel closer to you, safer with you, and more intimate with you . I'll feel as though I know another part of you. Men hardly share their financial truths, right? Share yours with me; I just want to know, that's all. If I see that you spent a ridiculous amount of money at Victoria's Secret - even though I never received any gift(s) from Victoria's Secret - I would gulp and believe you spent it all on your sister.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your Facebook account? Each time I check your profile and see that you have recently become friends with one girl or the other, I cannot help but wonder who she is and what she wants from you. I find myself wondering what you have in your inbox. Who sends you mails via facebook? What does she write to you? I'd like to know. I'm not one of those girlfriends. I won't go replying your e-mails. But I'd like to know who is e-mailing you and why.

Dear Boyfriend, will you give me your password?

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Now, before you all start including Mr. Shoes in your prayer requests and asking Baba God to deliver him from the paranoid Vera, I should clarify that what you read above isn't about me ... and is especially not about Mr. Shoes. It's about what we'll be discussing on Saturday on Verastically Speakin.' We're calling it Password Keeper. Tell me: would you share your password(s) with your significant other? The show will air LIVE on Saturday, October 31st 2009 - 10:00am U.S. EST / 3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time. Join us. But before you do, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you, darlings.

Listen to the show LIVE on Saturday HERE

Send e-mails about the show to radio@verastic.com

Call me: 1.443.934.9039

Call the show during the LIVE segment: 1.646.929.1905

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One more thing...I'd like to think that I have mentioned it before, but perhaps, I have not mentioned it enough: For every Verastically Speakin' show, I need a co-host. The list of shows on the left sidebar is there to let everyone know what's coming up and what I need a co-host for. If the show has been scheduled and there's no name listed as the co-host, it means I need one. If the show has not yet been scheduled [one of those ones listed below the scheduled shows] but you think you'd like to co-host it, let me know, so we can work something out asap. Lastly, I welcome show ideas .... thank you.

radio@verastic.com <<<>>> 1.443.934.9039

My Honeymoon And I

So the post about my 17-day fun ignited a question: Did Mr. Shoes and I get married and go on our honeymoon?

Uhm... no!!!!

Frankly, I am hurt, shocked, and disappointed that you would even think that. What kind of honeymoon lasts for 17 days? Not mine!! I have decided that my honeymoon will last for one year and will include 12 to 15 countries. That's my plan for now. I just might increase it to 18 months. That way, by the time hubby and I are coming back from the honeymoon, we'll also have Junior (or Juniors) in tote. How convenient! The idea of not knowing where, when, or how Junior (or Juniors) will be conceived totally excites me. The idea of not knowing where Junior (or Juniors) will be given birth to is also very exciting. I keep saying Juniors because I intend on having a set of confusingly identical twin boys, remember?

A 17-day honeymoon just wouldn't be enough to accomplish all that I plan on accomplishing - although I currently do not know what it is that I plan on accomplishing. Not to worry, I have time to come up with a list. **Hint, hint** All vacation resorts are welcome to send me free one week trial packages. Did anyone say Sandals?

A honeymoon is a vacation, and while on a vacation, you are not supposed to be working. Instead, you are supposed to be relaxing. And while you are on a honeymoon, you and your spouse are supposed to what --- have all the uninterrupted sex you can have before facing reality where bills, mortgage, work, the postman, and friends like Funmie can "break" your "flow" ... I think I just totally broke my own flow with the image of the uninterrupted sex + Funmie. Tsk. Tsk. Something about that line just didn't flow too well with me. I'll start over in the next paragraph.

So considering that while you are on a honeymoon, you are your spouse are supposed to have all the uninterrupted sex you can afford before life truly begins .... nah .... this line still does not work. I think it's because I just keep writing about uninterrupted sex for no reason. What I should really be writing is >>> Considering that I want my honeymoon to last for twelve to eighteen months, I have the following questions [Aha! This line works a lot better. Where did all that sex talk come from?]:

1. While we're honeymooning, will I update Verastically Livin? Or will it lay fallow for 12 to 18 months?
2. What will happen to Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio?
3. Who will pay our bills at home?
4. Will we even have a home to return to after the honeymoon?
5. While on the honeymoon, will I be able to get my boiled yam + egg stew fix?
6. Will I be able to get my cheerios fix?
7. What about lactose-free milk? I wouldn't want to fart hubby to oblivion. Oh, wait --- I would want to actually fart him to oblivion. Issue number 7 is henceforth a non issue.
8. How many new pairs of shoes will I be able to acquire while on the honeymoon?
9. Will I even have the money to acquire new pairs of shoes?
10. At what point will the 12 - 18 month honeymoon stop feeling like a honeymoon and start feeling more like real life? After the first two weeks?

I guess I'll answer these questions when the time comes. For now, I'll like to clarify that I am not engaged to Mr. Shoes or any other man - although I used to fantasize about being engaged to Chidi Boyle, a fictional character from my yet-to-be-written story. This is probably not a bad time to write about him. Until then, I'm currently accepting CASH donations for my honeymoon. Thank you.

What's The Real Problem Here?

Yesterday, I put up a question on my Facebook status, You tell me: Was the 'District 9' movie insulting to Nigerians? I got no response whatsoever, and let me tell you, that was very unusual. My Facebook statuses never go without being replied. So I posed the question differently, Nobody wants to comment on the District 9 movie. What if I ask about your favorite position during sex then? Aha!! I am proud to say that I now have 23 comments ... and still counting. Of course, I don't really care to know of anyone's favorite sex position - although I did learn of some positions, namely: the foggy style, the mirror of pleasing, the amazon, and the trapeze - but I got them talking about District 9.

Unfortunately, this post is not about sex positions either. Despite your preference, it's about District 9. Read and digest carefully...as this is what we will be discussing on the talk show tomorrow morning. If you have seen the movie, then you know why it's such a big issue. If you have not seen the movie, you've probably heard of it. If you have not heard of it, you'll thank me later - hopefully.

So at some point during District 9, Nigerian gangsters were involved. The gangsters were headed by a man called Obesandjo, although the Nigerian critics of the movie swear that the man is actually called Obasanjo, and he was, of course, named after our former president whom we all love very, very much. Other complaints are listed below:

• The Nigerian characters were not Nigerian enough - or at all. I actually read this complaint on Funmi Iyanda's blog. She's quite passionate about it.
• Someone told me the writer and director of the movie, Neill Blomkamp is a racist.
• The Nigerians were portrayed as cannibals (because Obesandjo ate aliens).
• It's unrealistic for a Nigerian gangster to have a female witch doctor because "we are too blatantly sexist." This, too, I read on Funmi Iyanda's blog.
• Nigerians were portrayed as scammers ... and we all know that no Nigerian will ever, EVER do something that low!
• Nigerians were portrayed as people who are into paranormal, diabolical things. Again, we all know that we will never stoop so low!
• The Nigerian females were taking part in inter-species prostitution.
• The movie is owned by Sony - the makers of the ad that hit Nigerians below the belt. **gasp** It must be a conspiracy.

There are probably more complaints, but it's past 12am, and this is all I have been able to remember at this time of the day night. In case you didn't know, Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili, our honorable Minister of Information, the woman who has been proudly rebranding Nigeria had the movie banned in Nigeria ... because well ... we wouldn't want to corrupt our children with such filth! (My words, not hers). You've probably figured out by now that lots of Nigerians have boycotted the movie. It's during times like this that true love shows. Who would have known that Nigeria loves Obesandjo this much???

Have I written enough to get you thinking? Good. The show will be LIVE tomorrow at 10am U.S. EST [3pm GMT/Nigerian time]. I have a wonderful, wonderful co-host, Nonso. He's my go-to guy for everything comic-bookish and sci-fi. I have never met anyone who is this crazy about this stuff. So yes, he's my co-host. I have a feeling that Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili will not like what he has to say. Maybe she'll call into the show??

Oh. It has come to my attention that in my quest to remain objective on the show, I have slowly but surely stopped talking on my own talk show. Crazy, I know. Apparently, all I do is take phone calls. Well, that's over. Starting from tomorrow, I will talk... darn it!! I have a mouth, and it's not afraid to speak. **Swallows gulp of spit** If anyone knows the SSS in Nigeria, please tell them not to capture me when I land. Tell them I did not mean whatever I am about to say tomorrow, but if they insist, tell them Nonso (my co-host) said it. I have his address, phone number, and picture.

To listen to the show tomorrow (at 10am U.S. EST/3pm Nigerian/GMT time), click HERE. Call 1.646.929.1905 anytime during the show (which lasts for 90 minutes) to join the conversation. E-mail radio@verastic.com with your comments and questions; I'll read them out during the show. Also, please, please, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar, and no, I won't be able to tell who you are or what you voted for. Thank you.

Here's a little piece of literature about Nigeria and District 9 that is sure to touch you - I'm not sure how. Click HERE to read.

And lastly, enjoy this video. Again, it's something that is sure to touch you.... and I don't know how either. Let's reconvene tomorrow and discuss it, shall we? :-)

Disclaimer: I am not sleeping with Neill Blomkamp. Neither has he paid me. I won't mind if he does.... pay me, that is.