Dear Boyfriend, Will You Give Me Your Password?

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your e-mail account? Yes, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all five of my e-mail accounts, but still, I'd like to check up on yours - every now and then. Although I'll probably not even have the time to do so, I'd like to know that if I were to wake up one morning feeling a little unsafe or unsure about our relationship... and I were to feel compelled to check up on your e-mail account, I would have the access to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your phone? I promise I won't reply any text message - no matter how questionable I might find it. I just want to know who is texting you and what she is writing. I'm curious about who is calling you and how long you spend talking to her. I won't pick up your calls - unless you're not there and I feel it necessary to take the calls. If that happens, I promise not to be rude. I have no intention to listen to your voicemail, but I hope you won't mind if I become curious enough to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the pin to your bank account? I don't want to withdraw your money. I don't want to steal from you. It'll just make me feel closer to you, safer with you, and more intimate with you . I'll feel as though I know another part of you. Men hardly share their financial truths, right? Share yours with me; I just want to know, that's all. If I see that you spent a ridiculous amount of money at Victoria's Secret - even though I never received any gift(s) from Victoria's Secret - I would gulp and believe you spent it all on your sister.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your Facebook account? Each time I check your profile and see that you have recently become friends with one girl or the other, I cannot help but wonder who she is and what she wants from you. I find myself wondering what you have in your inbox. Who sends you mails via facebook? What does she write to you? I'd like to know. I'm not one of those girlfriends. I won't go replying your e-mails. But I'd like to know who is e-mailing you and why.

Dear Boyfriend, will you give me your password?

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Now, before you all start including Mr. Shoes in your prayer requests and asking Baba God to deliver him from the paranoid Vera, I should clarify that what you read above isn't about me ... and is especially not about Mr. Shoes. It's about what we'll be discussing on Saturday on Verastically Speakin.' We're calling it Password Keeper. Tell me: would you share your password(s) with your significant other? The show will air LIVE on Saturday, October 31st 2009 - 10:00am U.S. EST / 3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time. Join us. But before you do, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you, darlings.

Listen to the show LIVE on Saturday HERE

Send e-mails about the show to radio@verastic.com

Call me: 1.443.934.9039

Call the show during the LIVE segment: 1.646.929.1905

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One more thing...I'd like to think that I have mentioned it before, but perhaps, I have not mentioned it enough: For every Verastically Speakin' show, I need a co-host. The list of shows on the left sidebar is there to let everyone know what's coming up and what I need a co-host for. If the show has been scheduled and there's no name listed as the co-host, it means I need one. If the show has not yet been scheduled [one of those ones listed below the scheduled shows] but you think you'd like to co-host it, let me know, so we can work something out asap. Lastly, I welcome show ideas .... thank you.

radio@verastic.com <<<>>> 1.443.934.9039

My Honeymoon And I

So the post about my 17-day fun ignited a question: Did Mr. Shoes and I get married and go on our honeymoon?

Uhm... no!!!!

Frankly, I am hurt, shocked, and disappointed that you would even think that. What kind of honeymoon lasts for 17 days? Not mine!! I have decided that my honeymoon will last for one year and will include 12 to 15 countries. That's my plan for now. I just might increase it to 18 months. That way, by the time hubby and I are coming back from the honeymoon, we'll also have Junior (or Juniors) in tote. How convenient! The idea of not knowing where, when, or how Junior (or Juniors) will be conceived totally excites me. The idea of not knowing where Junior (or Juniors) will be given birth to is also very exciting. I keep saying Juniors because I intend on having a set of confusingly identical twin boys, remember?

A 17-day honeymoon just wouldn't be enough to accomplish all that I plan on accomplishing - although I currently do not know what it is that I plan on accomplishing. Not to worry, I have time to come up with a list. **Hint, hint** All vacation resorts are welcome to send me free one week trial packages. Did anyone say Sandals?

A honeymoon is a vacation, and while on a vacation, you are not supposed to be working. Instead, you are supposed to be relaxing. And while you are on a honeymoon, you and your spouse are supposed to what --- have all the uninterrupted sex you can have before facing reality where bills, mortgage, work, the postman, and friends like Funmie can "break" your "flow" ... I think I just totally broke my own flow with the image of the uninterrupted sex + Funmie. Tsk. Tsk. Something about that line just didn't flow too well with me. I'll start over in the next paragraph.

So considering that while you are on a honeymoon, you are your spouse are supposed to have all the uninterrupted sex you can afford before life truly begins .... nah .... this line still does not work. I think it's because I just keep writing about uninterrupted sex for no reason. What I should really be writing is >>> Considering that I want my honeymoon to last for twelve to eighteen months, I have the following questions [Aha! This line works a lot better. Where did all that sex talk come from?]:

1. While we're honeymooning, will I update Verastically Livin? Or will it lay fallow for 12 to 18 months?
2. What will happen to Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio?
3. Who will pay our bills at home?
4. Will we even have a home to return to after the honeymoon?
5. While on the honeymoon, will I be able to get my boiled yam + egg stew fix?
6. Will I be able to get my cheerios fix?
7. What about lactose-free milk? I wouldn't want to fart hubby to oblivion. Oh, wait --- I would want to actually fart him to oblivion. Issue number 7 is henceforth a non issue.
8. How many new pairs of shoes will I be able to acquire while on the honeymoon?
9. Will I even have the money to acquire new pairs of shoes?
10. At what point will the 12 - 18 month honeymoon stop feeling like a honeymoon and start feeling more like real life? After the first two weeks?

I guess I'll answer these questions when the time comes. For now, I'll like to clarify that I am not engaged to Mr. Shoes or any other man - although I used to fantasize about being engaged to Chidi Boyle, a fictional character from my yet-to-be-written story. This is probably not a bad time to write about him. Until then, I'm currently accepting CASH donations for my honeymoon. Thank you.

What's The Real Problem Here?

Yesterday, I put up a question on my Facebook status, You tell me: Was the 'District 9' movie insulting to Nigerians? I got no response whatsoever, and let me tell you, that was very unusual. My Facebook statuses never go without being replied. So I posed the question differently, Nobody wants to comment on the District 9 movie. What if I ask about your favorite position during sex then? Aha!! I am proud to say that I now have 23 comments ... and still counting. Of course, I don't really care to know of anyone's favorite sex position - although I did learn of some positions, namely: the foggy style, the mirror of pleasing, the amazon, and the trapeze - but I got them talking about District 9.

Unfortunately, this post is not about sex positions either. Despite your preference, it's about District 9. Read and digest carefully...as this is what we will be discussing on the talk show tomorrow morning. If you have seen the movie, then you know why it's such a big issue. If you have not seen the movie, you've probably heard of it. If you have not heard of it, you'll thank me later - hopefully.

So at some point during District 9, Nigerian gangsters were involved. The gangsters were headed by a man called Obesandjo, although the Nigerian critics of the movie swear that the man is actually called Obasanjo, and he was, of course, named after our former president whom we all love very, very much. Other complaints are listed below:

• The Nigerian characters were not Nigerian enough - or at all. I actually read this complaint on Funmi Iyanda's blog. She's quite passionate about it.
• Someone told me the writer and director of the movie, Neill Blomkamp is a racist.
• The Nigerians were portrayed as cannibals (because Obesandjo ate aliens).
• It's unrealistic for a Nigerian gangster to have a female witch doctor because "we are too blatantly sexist." This, too, I read on Funmi Iyanda's blog.
• Nigerians were portrayed as scammers ... and we all know that no Nigerian will ever, EVER do something that low!
• Nigerians were portrayed as people who are into paranormal, diabolical things. Again, we all know that we will never stoop so low!
• The Nigerian females were taking part in inter-species prostitution.
• The movie is owned by Sony - the makers of the ad that hit Nigerians below the belt. **gasp** It must be a conspiracy.

There are probably more complaints, but it's past 12am, and this is all I have been able to remember at this time of the day night. In case you didn't know, Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili, our honorable Minister of Information, the woman who has been proudly rebranding Nigeria had the movie banned in Nigeria ... because well ... we wouldn't want to corrupt our children with such filth! (My words, not hers). You've probably figured out by now that lots of Nigerians have boycotted the movie. It's during times like this that true love shows. Who would have known that Nigeria loves Obesandjo this much???

Have I written enough to get you thinking? Good. The show will be LIVE tomorrow at 10am U.S. EST [3pm GMT/Nigerian time]. I have a wonderful, wonderful co-host, Nonso. He's my go-to guy for everything comic-bookish and sci-fi. I have never met anyone who is this crazy about this stuff. So yes, he's my co-host. I have a feeling that Dr. (Mrs) Dora Akunyili will not like what he has to say. Maybe she'll call into the show??

Oh. It has come to my attention that in my quest to remain objective on the show, I have slowly but surely stopped talking on my own talk show. Crazy, I know. Apparently, all I do is take phone calls. Well, that's over. Starting from tomorrow, I will talk... darn it!! I have a mouth, and it's not afraid to speak. **Swallows gulp of spit** If anyone knows the SSS in Nigeria, please tell them not to capture me when I land. Tell them I did not mean whatever I am about to say tomorrow, but if they insist, tell them Nonso (my co-host) said it. I have his address, phone number, and picture.

To listen to the show tomorrow (at 10am U.S. EST/3pm Nigerian/GMT time), click HERE. Call 1.646.929.1905 anytime during the show (which lasts for 90 minutes) to join the conversation. E-mail radio@verastic.com with your comments and questions; I'll read them out during the show. Also, please, please, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar, and no, I won't be able to tell who you are or what you voted for. Thank you.

Here's a little piece of literature about Nigeria and District 9 that is sure to touch you - I'm not sure how. Click HERE to read.

And lastly, enjoy this video. Again, it's something that is sure to touch you.... and I don't know how either. Let's reconvene tomorrow and discuss it, shall we? :-)

Disclaimer: I am not sleeping with Neill Blomkamp. Neither has he paid me. I won't mind if he does.... pay me, that is.

Party Over Here.... Party Over There...

That's what the past 17 days of my life has felt like: party, party, party! Or let me rephrase it, "Fun, fun, fun!!!" Yes, Sir! I have actually been having fun. I, Vera Ezimora whose only known method of fun used to be weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, movies, and bowling. Yes, I have now evolved to a new level of fun - the type of fun where I hop on a plane and fly to a place where they paint their homes pink and yellow. Happy, happy place, it seems. Nothing compared to the red brick buildings in Maryland. But I digress.

Let me tell you what I was able to accomplish in the past 17 days - some in Maryland, and some in other places:

• I went jet skiing for the first time in my life.
• I attended a Nigerian Independence party that was really nice. I got to dance with the DJ whom I found rather sexy. I could not take my eyes off him, so I had to dance with him. I'm all better now.
• Managed to catch a cold - somehow. I'm still coughing. Mr. Shoes forced me to drink all sorts of tea - including something that smelled like Theraflu - even though it was called tea.
• That's his hand there, so he can't say he didn't do it, and that's the theraflu-smelling tea
• Went to a Lebanese restaurant and had a shawarma pita sandwich for the first time
• 
  
• Was taken on a surprise trip [by Mr. Shoes] to a private resort. I'm still shivering. I've never been anywhere that nice before, and on that note, Mr. Shoes needs to be warned to stop calling me Mgbeke before I arrange a street beating for him. Funmi suggested that I steal the curtains from the room and bring them back to Baltimore. I did consider it, but they were heavy. They would have made my luggage go past fifty pounds.
• I found out that even with high heels and a huge scarf, Mr. Shoes is still taller than me.
• I learnt how to use Goal Seek on Microsoft Excel. Let me rephrase that: I had an assignment that prompted me to use Goal Seek. Mr. Shoes taught me how to do it. And no, I don't know how to do it, so don't bother asking, but yes, I turned in my assignment.J
• I attended an Island Carnival [for the first time in my life] where I saw these really long dreads. Wonder how long it took him to grow them.

• Ms. Flow showed up at some point. It's never complete unless it gets bloody. You can say I had a bloody fun time. Hehe.
• I went swimming. Mr. Shoes might beg to differ. He'll probably say, "She went standing in the pool..." Well, whatever. I got into the pool. I got wet. That's it. I went swimming. End of the story.
• While Mr. Shoes and I walked down the hallway, he was being bad - whatever that means - so I spanked his behind. Imagine our shock when we heard a lady's voice behind us, "Go 'head, gurl... spank it!!!" Well, at that point, I had no choice but to spank it.
• I got my butt and my ego severely bruised by Mr. Shoes in several games of WHOT. He straight up kicked my behind. In my defense, I have not played the game in years. These losses should not be held against me.
• I guzzled more La Creme yogurts than I care to remember. That yogurt is from heaven. Angel Gabriel's wife must have whipped it up herself.
• I was told by Mr. Shoes that the relationship between me and my breasts would have to change. He claims I was touching them while we were at the post office. Where's the proof??
• I ate the best ora soup, cooked by Princess U. Speaking of Princess U, she still owes me a pot of peppersoup. I have not forgotten.
• I watched and listened to friends do some deafening karaoke. Unfortunately, no Advil liquigels or earplugs were close by.J
• I watched the movie, Couple's Retreat with Mr. Shoes. After that, I realized that we might need to attend a retreat of our own to learn how to keep up with each other. I need to be on roller skates to be able to keep up with his walking. Either that, or we continue the way we've been doing it: I hang on to his right arm and run along with him while he walks.
• Poster courtesy of www.allmovieposter.com

• I made new friends.
• I ran into Mr. Kisser and pretended not to know who the heck he was.
• I finally got to knead some dough.

Fun enough for you? Considering the amount of fun I'm accustomed to having - which is really not a lot - I'd say I have had enough new fun to last me the entire year and then some, but I won't mind having more of this type of fun, of course --- especially the spanking butt part of it. Good stuff.

Verastically Speakin': Hope everyone is looking forward to the show on Saturday - The Nigerians Did It? We'll be talking about the Sony PS3 ad and the District 9 movie. I'm going to see the movie later today. I have a fantabulous co-host!! Can't wait to talk with him on Saturday. Yippee! If you have questions/comments for the show, now is the time to send them in radio@verastic.com. See you at 10am U.S. EST (3pm GMT).

P.S. I know it's late, but please do the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you!!

I Love You, Tomorrow

Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should not even be saying that I love tomorrow. Considering what will be happening tomorrow, I should be dreading it and wishing it will never, ever make it here, but if tomorrow doesn't come, neither will next tomorrow, and all the other days that I hope for.

I liken it to cooking a pot of goat peppersoup from scratch. By scratch, I mean, the goat is still alive. So first, you have to kill the goat, roast it to burn off its fur, cut its meat into pieces, etc, you get the point .... before you actually start cooking. It may be a lot of work, but when you get to the end, the result is pure bliss, no? Of course, by then, you might be too tired too eat, but let's not factor that into this analogy, or it will ruin it for me. Oh, and I realize that the idea of killing and roasting a goat might not be very appealing to vegetarians and the animal whatever-they-call-themselves, but please, I'm Nigerian. We kill and eat goat meat. Deal with it.

My point? I'm not very happy about what will be happening tomorrow. But I know that tomorrow would have to happen in order for all the other plans to also come to pass - all by God's Grace. So I welcome tomorrow with open arms - not because of what she will bring me, but because of what the days after her will bring. Is there anyone else who is not looking forward to tomorrow? Just me then? Okay.

Speaking of tomorrow, Verastically Speakin' will not be airing live this Saturday. I'll be back on the 24th of October 2009 with The Nigerians Did It. We'll be talking about the Sony PS3 commercial (which I have embedded below) and the District 9 movie - which I unfortunately cannot embed, especially if I want to keep Verastically Livin running. You know how it is.

I Am Sorry

So I was supposed to update yesterday. What the heck happened? It has been quite a while since I missed an update. I knew I was due to update, and I just kept telling myself that I had to update, but somehow, the day just went by, and before I knew it, it was midnight, and Tuesday was upon me.

I don't quite have much to say. Either that, or I actually do have a lot to say but have not organized my thoughts in a way that will be coherent to you. I think the latter is the case. The point is that right now, I will have to leave you high and dry - almost - but not completely. Too much has been going on, and there has been so little time to have it all written down. In the mean time in between time, here's a picture from an Island carnival I attended on Sunday in downtown Miami. Was my first carnival. Never seen so many people go buck wild. Nawa oo. What's funnier and crazier is that I was told (by our friend from Trinidad & Tobago) that the carnival in downtown Miami was small compared to the real one in Trinidad. What?!?! And apparently, that one is wilder too. Whew. Doubt if you'll be seeing me there anytime soon. I've always known that there is so much life and culture that I am yet to experience, but attending this carnival just made it even more obvious.

This girl was a very determined dancer. She just kept on going like the energizer bunny.

A bunch of paraders.

I'll be back to update. This time, I'll be on time. Promise.

P.S. Someone wanted information about Okechukwu Ofili's scholarship website info. I asked Okechukwu, and this is the website he gave me www.chaynge.org Hope this helps! If not, let me know. I'll be happy to help in whatever way I can.

So About This Sex Thing...

Sex Thing....

not

Sexting

*ahem* Just had to clarify that. You know how you can get.J

Are you ready for tomorrow? Are you ready to hear me, Ekene Agabu, NaijaBloke, and Nkechinyere battle it out about sex (to have it or not) on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

Again, I feel compelled to explain here: we will not be battling out if all four of us should have sex on Verastically Speakin - during the show. What I meant was --- it's a talk radio show, and during the show, we will talk about sex. You get? Great.

Have you participated in the poll? It's on the top right side bar. Thank you. I feel compelled to say a lot of things today. Right now, I feel compelled to ask: you do know that whatever you vote is anonymous, right? I have no way of knowing who you are or how you voted. Okay. That's all I'm going to say on that.

So the show is going to be on Saturday, October 10th 2009. Yeap, that's tomorrow.

To listen, go here: www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic

Time: 10am U.S. EST (3pm GMT / 3pm Nigerian time).

To call into the show: 1.646.929.1905

If you have comments/questions/suggestions: radio@verastic.com

Need to reach me via telephone before or after the show: 1.443.934.9039

Follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/verastic

Connect on Facebook: www.facebook.com/verastic

Verastically Speakin' Group on Facebook: Click HERE

Miss Jayla had another interesting Tweminar yesterday about tomorrow's show, but even more interesting is that she did the same poll (yes, the very same one here), but the difference in results between her poll and mine are staggering. You can view the poll HERE.

Alright folks.... bring it all on!!!

Sex, Sex, Sex!!!

Sex is such an interesting, diverse, and complicated topic. Although it's a three letter word, it's often treated as a four letter word. SEX. If my blog were a sex blog and I had to blog about sex everyday, I still would not run out of things to say about it. Sex goes beyond the positions taken and minutes spent while doing it. A critical question one should ask is: Should I even have sex?

In relationships (marriage excluded), sometimes, sex is included, other times, it isn't. It has continued to be a controversial topic: to have sex or not? When to have sex? With whom to have sex? What kind of sex to have? Where to have sex? Naturally, these are not the questions you ask mom's advise for.

I can just hear it now, "Mom, there's something I need your advise on. Mr. Shoes and I have been having a hard time deciding where to have sex. I think we should do it on the roof of the primary school at the end of the road, but he'd rather we hang from a chandelier. What do you think?"

If my mom is still the mom I have known for the past XX years, then I can expect the following (in no particular order): She'll throw her shoes at me; she'll throw her big bag with the heavy metal thing on me; she'll throw her long umbrella at me, pick it up, and beat me with it; she'll beat me with both of her hands all over my body; she'll slap my face, especially my mouth; she'll call me all sorts of names (idiot, anuofia [bush animal], ekwensu [devil], otolo gba gi [honestly, I still don't know the meaning of this insult. What is otolo?], bloody fool, bullshit [yes, she will call me a bullshit], onye ala [mad person] ... and the list goes on.

On that note, I won't have this discussion with mom - for two reasons:

1. Mom is one of those small but mighty people. She is more than able to do all that I have said she will probably do --- and much more.

2. Mr. Shoes and I do not have that dilemma. That's actually Funmie's dilemma. Don't tell her I wrote it here.

Why is all this even important? Three reasons.

1. Verastically Speakin' will be tackling sex within relationships on Saturday, October 10th 2009. And because of how fun it will be, we will dedicate two hours (instead of 1.5 hours) to it. The co-hosts are Ekene Agabu and NaijaBloke. If you do visit Bloke's blog, please tell him to update.

2. There is a poll on the top right side bar. Help us out.

3. We need a female co-host to balance it out. Inquire within AKA radio@verastic.com or 1.443.934.9039

P.S. "Sex within relationships" does not include marriage, one night stands, being friends with benefits, sex buddies, 'kicking it,' etc. It only applies to being in a committed relationship that happens to include sex.

Go HERE to set up your reminders. Once again, the show will air on Saturday, October 10th 2009 at 10:00 am U.S. EST time/ 3:00 pm GMT / 3:00 pm Nigerian time.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions about this show, send them ASAP [as in IMMEDIATELY] to radio@verastic.com

It's Not What It Looks Like

Yes, it's not what it looks like. I can explain. I usually update my blog at about midnight (U.S. Eastern time) because then, it feels like I have updated at the beginning of the day. But it's already past 5pm right now, which means it's also past 10pm GMT and past 10pm Nigerian time. Ah... most of the day is gone already. I know it might look like I did not update this blog early enough, but it's not what it looks like; I can explain. Of course, I can.

You see...

First, I was amazed by this valley of clouds

Then I was mesmerized by this pillar of clouds...

And then ... this mountain of clouds captivated me...

Does anyone else feel like just dropping on these clouds? Sincerely, Tempur-Pedic Bed must have nothing on these clouds' comfort!! I'm now working on how to build vacation homes - or maybe just vacation spaces - on the clouds - where people can just come and well --- vacation. Any architects want to take this project up????

So yes, I was suspended several thousand feet in the air when I took this picture. My camera phone does not do it justice. The clouds, as you can imagine, look way better in person. Wish I could take a little bit back home as souvenir.

As you can clearly see, there is a perfectly legitimate explanation for why this post did not appear earlier.

49, Huh?

Word on the street is that Nigeria turns 49 tomorrow. Woop-tee-doo!! Feel my excitement? Oh, yeah, it's in there somewhere. I was going to write an article about Nigeria's birthday. I was going to write one of those articles - you know the ones that talk about where we've been, where we are, where we are going, and what we need to do to get there, but I thought "What the heck!" Today is the last day of September. I don't want to depress anyone. On that note, enjoy these pictures. I pulled them off Facebook a little while ago. I tell you, I do miss Nigeria. There's no place like home.

...And they had the nerves to call it Best Driving School. Best compared to which one??? Oh, the horror!

Who/what is more important? The human or the computer? Well, duh! The computer, obviously!

Will the real rider of the bike please raise his/her hand? [Anyone else notice there are cops right behind them?]

Of course, we have to look out for the health of the animals first.

Lonely? No problem! Call 1-800-Adopt-A-Goat today!!!

...And you thought you had to go work hard and all that ish??? Do As I Say Shap Ring is here for you. Naturally, they also do penis and "brest" enlargement. This Alhaji Doctor is a bad boy ooo. He even owns an office and two "gsms." Business must be good. Wait, a company actually ran this ad in their newspaper?

And when you're pissed off at the way things are in our country, please .... Be Patience.

JHappy Independence DayJ

P.S. Don't forget the poll. It's on the top of the right side bar. Thank you!!

It's The 3rd Day

It's the third day since I last updated [on the 24th]. According to the unwritten - well, they're written somewhere on the blog, but they're not written on stone ... obviously - rules of Verastically Livin,' I'm due for an update today. Problem is, I'm not quite sure what to blog about.

Perhaps, this qualifies as one of those random posts. Yeah, you know the ones where you start off believing you have nothing to blog about, and then you begin to write about how you have nothing to blog about, only to end up with an entire post about how and why you don't have what to blog about --- but will go ahead and mention a few random thoughts anyway. Yeah, this is one of those.

On that note...

• I bought a water bottle from Wal-Mart that takes 2.2 L of water [which is equal to 8 glasses of water]. We are recommended to drink 8 glasses of water per day, so I figured I'd give it a try. Sooo not easy! Been walking around feeling like water-filled balloons are dancing around in my belly. I'm pretty sure that if you poke my belly with a pin, you'll be able to host a pool party.

• Have you ever felt like so many things are just going on at the same time? Ever knelt down to pray and not even known what to pray for or how to pray for it? Ever wished you could confront God face-to-face and ask Him some personal questions, but then, as quickly as that wish came to you, a thought popped up in the back of your mind, and you say to yourself [or maybe out loud], "God forbid! I don't want to confront Him. I'll die the day I see His face?" No?? Just me then. Okay.

• "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow/ Because He lives, all fear is gone/ For I know .. oh.. oh.. oh.. He holds my future/ And life is worth living just because He lives..." It'd be a lot easier for me to embrace the future if I know what it has in store for me. I sing that song to make myself feel better. And no, I am neither depressed nor contemplating suicide, thank you very much. My confusingly identical twins still have to be invented and born. Am I looking forward to that or what???

• Speaking of the invention of children, I look forward to that. The process of coming up with different ways and styles that are most suitable for the invention of said children has to be pretty darn interesting. [Case in point: I heard that when the woman stays upside down immediately after the act of invention, it better increases the chances of a successful invention]. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, move on. You'll know soon enough.

• Switching to yet another random topic: yesterday on Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio was off the chains...and I'm not just saying that because I'm the host. Oh, what the heck? That is why I'm saying it. But it really was off the chains. This time, I'm serious. Topic was Be Lucrative Or Die Trying. Click HERE to listen. Okechukwu Ofili and Iceberg Slim co-hosted. At the end, we played Iceberg's new song, "Nigerian Girls" featuring Sauce Kid. Good stuff.

• Back to this future thing ... I approach it with some trepidation. I need things to be stable. If you were to ask God what Vera is thinking of Him, He'll say, "She thinks I'm the unstable one, but has she looked at herself lately??? I'm the Unchangeable Changer!"

• Speaking of that name, "Unchangeable Changer" ... for the longest time, I couldn't make sense of it. I thought it was another ludicrous name/phrase Nigerians had come up with. You know how we are. I get it now. He's the God who changes things, but He never changes. Oooohh. Cool beans!!! God is such a cool Man!! [Sorry, I can be slow some times.]

• Next week Saturday, we'll be asking [on Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio] 'Who Is A Submissive Wife???' I'm working on getting a second co-host. In the meantime in between time - gosh, I love saying that - why don't you do help your sister out again? See the poll on the top right sidebar? Yeap, that one. Tell me what you think. When you're done, click HERE to set up you reminder for the show. It's going to be the same time on Saturday, Oct 3rd at 10am U.S EST/3pm GMT. E-mail radio@verastic.com for comments/questions/suggestions.

• Blogger really needs to come up with a way to attach music to a post. They want me to do podcasts and all that ish? Seriously??? I just want to attach an mp3 file! Bear with me. Enjoy this video below. It's not an actual video. It's Iceberg Slim's song. It's the only one I could find on YouTube. Wasn't my favorite choice [seeing as Sauce Kid was spelled as Sauce Ki ...right there in the first two seconds of the video. Driving me nuts, I tell you.], but I had no other option. Does anyone know an easier way to attach songs? I think Wordpress does a better job at this. Come on, Blogger... you're better than this!

... And I thought I had nothing to blog about!JJJ

I Need A Personal Assistant

Job description:

• Update Verastically Livin' every three days.
• Reply comments [on Verastically Livin'] as they come in.
• Hunt down and harass people till they agree to co-host Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.
• Schedule shows on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.
• Reply all e-mails (on Verastic, Facebook, & Twitter).
• Take and return phone calls.
• Reply text messages.
• Compose e-mails when needed and keep the readers informed.
• Keep the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio Facebook Group updated.
• Approve all my friend requests on Facebook.
• Poke back all my pokers on Facebook.
• Put up polls on Verastically Livin for upcoming shows on Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio.
• Constantly think of show ideas.
• Think of the best suitable co-hosts for each show.
• Write my book.
• Do my school work.
• Feed me.
• Rub my back.
• Moisturize my lips every two hours.
• Remind the "administrative assistant" [aka Funmie] that today is Thursday, and she needs to follow Miss Jayla on Twitter for tweminar.
• Do my hair. [It's currently a hot mess].

I'm drowning here. 24 hours are hardly enough hours in a day. 48 hours, maybe. Thank you all for the lovely comments in my previous posts. I'm sorry I have not been able to respond to all of them. I have read them all. I always do. Time has not really been on my side.

On that note, Funmie has really assumed the position of Administrative Assistant [stop laughing]. She has been a tremendous help so far, but there are still some things she just can't do. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Stop thinking what you're thinking, pervert.

So Funmie has been really helpful anyway. I sent an e-mail out to a whole lotta people about upcoming shows, and the response has been encouraging. Thank you. We should be able to respond to all the e-mails by this weekend. I now qualify for the we thing. I have always found it strange when a solo blogger refers to him/herself as we. I've thought that to be the early signs of schizophrenia. But in this case, we really does fit the case. We as in Funmie and I. Whenever I am unable to handle it, Funmie will take over. Fear not, she's got the Verastic training too - whatever that might be.

Just to remind you --- notice the poll on the right sidebar?? That's for the upcoming show on Saturday. If you have not taken the poll, please do. It'll help us. Also, there's a long list of upcoming shows on the left sidebar. I hope you'll be interested in co-hosting. If so, let us know. Gosh, this is sooo cool! The whole use of we and us. Read the previous post for details on co-hosting.

Well, off I go to bed. We will get back to you. Alright Vera.... put a cork in it. Soooo not funny anymore!!! Do not despair - whoever said you're despairing? - I still remain the sole updater of this blog.

Parents Are So Cute!

What you don't know will not kill hurt you. I don't know how true that statement is. Well, I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's sometimes true. Maybe mostly true, but certainly not always true. Isn't it so cute how parents always think the best of their children and think that their big, grown up children are still their little, innocent babies?

In class the other day, somehow, we got to talking about one night stands. I have a Nigerian lady in my class - very sweet and wonderful - and she has been here [America] for about two or three decades, I believe. She's back to school to get another degree. More grease to her elbows. Anyway, she did not know what a one night stand is, so she inquired.

When told, she said, "Oh no, my child doesn't know what that is,"

Curious, I asked - because I was sure that this child is an actual child, bearing in mind the definition of child, "How old is your child?"

She said, with pride the size of the entire State of Texas, "He's 25,"

25?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well, there you have it. She thinks her 25 year old child does not know about one night stands. The better, perhaps wiser thing to do is ask: Is he back home yet from last night's one night stand?

......Or we could just stick to believing that he's a child.

In Other News....

*** Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will be resuming its regular schedule at 10:00am U.S. EST (3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time) on Saturday, September 26th 2009.

*** The scheduled shows and their co-hosts are up there. The first scheduled show [coming up on Saturday, Sept 26th] is about the career choices we [Nigerians/Africans] make. Co-hosting with me are Okechukwu Ofili and Iceberg Slim. There's a poll on the right sidebar. You know what to do ---- please --- with a cherry on top :)

*** Upcoming shows are on the left sidebar. I can only schedule shows one month ahead of time, but since people have been inquiring about future shows, I have also put up a list of twenty upcoming shows. They will not be coming up in that particular order, but at least, it gives you an idea.

*** Co-hosts are needed for all of those twenty shows. Yes, ALL OF THEM. So if you're thinking about being a co-host for any of them, now will be the time to let me know. radio@verastic.com 1-443-934-9039.

*** If you're on Twitter, here's an opportunity to have some fun. Every Thursday, Ms Jayla will host a Tweminar where she and other Twitters will Twit (tweet?) about the upcoming Verastically Speakin Talk Radio show. Follow Ms. Jalya & join the fun!!!

Any other question(s)? You know how to reach me. No flashes, please :)

Sins Of The Mother

Remember when I put up that angry post about people flashing me at odd hours of the night? Well, it's really amazing because there is this particular person that does it most, and I know that he/she reads my blog. I also know that he/she read that particular post. So why did he/she still continue to flash - although no longer at that ungodly hour???

Here comes my aha moment. My mother is the cause! No, no, she does not know him/her. However, this is a case where the sins of the mother have come to hunt the daughter. Mom does not flash anyone. The sound of this last sentence compels me to explain once more time that flashing [in Nigeria] does not mean what flashing in America means. In Nigeria [or in Nigerian terms], flashing is when a person calls you, lets it rings about once or twice, and then hangs up. The idea is to have his/her number flash on your phone and then you call him/her back.

So as I was saying, mom does not flash anyone [in spite of the previous explanation of flash/flashing, this sentence still sounds very awkward. Mom & flash just shouldn't be in the same sentence. Ah, I've been in this country too long]. What mom does instead is call people in Nigeria at 11pm. No, not 11pm their time; I mean 11pm our time. That's 4am their time! And as if that's not bad enough, she starts the conversation by asking, "Oh, did I wake you up?"

Seriously???? No, of course not, mom. People just usually stay awake at 4am ... especially on week days. You know how good it feels to get two hours of sleep before springing up for another day's work. Woop-tee-doo!!! I don't even know why she asks that question because the person's response will not deter her from saying what she called to say. It might take anywhere from zero to twenty-one minutes (which is the maximum that a $2 Nigeria DC calling card gives).

I - wherever I may be during this conversation - am usually boiling with anger ... for this person, of course. I just don't get it. Why would you wake someone up at four in the morning??? What is it that cannot wait till later? And there I was raising fire and brimstone for the people that flash me at three in the morning while my own mother was [still is] busy waking people up from their REM sleep. No wonder the flashers have targeted my phone. I need to start giving out my mother's number as mine. Justice must be served!

If by any chance I do move back to Nigeria before mom, I need to warn her to cease and desist from dialing my number between the hours of 8:59pm and 8:59am - Nigerian Time. No, I will not be sleeping during all of those hours, of course, but before the children come into the picture, they will first need to be invented... will they not??? These things don't happen by themselves, peeps.

Shall We Call This An 'Irony' Then?

Some weeks ago, my Pastor preached about the wicked hearts and intentions of men (men meaning human beings). He talked about how you can shake a person's hand and the person will have some kind of charm in the palm of his/her hand. He talked about how imperative it is to always be prayerful - specifically sanctifying everything about us with the Blood of Jesus.

Now, I know this may raise some controversy. Some people might see this as a scare tactic, which I understand, but you have to also consider and understand that "The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds..." 2 Cor 10:4 (I'm usually an NIV babe, but for this verse, I like the KJV better).

Pastor made it a point to say, "I am not saying you should not shake anyone's hands..." and for the most part, we all got the point, but I think everyone [that was alert during the service] left thinking, "So this what the world has come to??? I kuku [even/definitely] suspected that that hand shake Obi gave me last week was just too long and warm for comfort. When did we start Geography that we're drawing map like that?"

Or maybe I was the only one thinking that.

The following week, a very smart doctor came to give us some Health Education (my term, not hers or the church's). She talked about how the flu has been going around and all that stuff - something that anyone in America - especially those in the cold regions know. She educated us on the regular flu and the swine flu. And then she stressed the importance of washing our hands and using hand sanitizers.

Here's where it gets tricky. I wash my hands several times a day. I wash my hands so many times that Busola has started calling me obsessive compulsive - which I am not, by the way - and I wash my hands so many times that the palms of my hands are now hard - a damage I do not think I can reconcile. But hand sanitizer?!?!?! I do not do hand sanitizers. They stink. They burn my eyes. (Do they have ammonia in them?) And they make my hands white. So, me, hand sanitizer?!?! Puh-lease!

Alright, fine, I gave in and bought myself a bottle of hand sanitizer - all in the quest to not catch any kind of flu. But in my defense, it is the lavender flavor! I actually went to the baby aisle to get this hand sanitizer. They don't sell it [the lavender flavor] in the regular hand sanitizer aisle. But I digress... After hearing those two speeches (the one about charms and the one about needing to wash your hands always), you can imagine how paranoid I have been.

The hand sanitizer stays in the car. Every time I enter the car, I sanitize my hands and smile because I am confident that come rain, come shine, I will not catch any kind of flu. So why am I sitting on my bed breathing from my mouth with both nostrils completely stuffed??

Oh, yeah, I know why!! They (Pastor & the smart medical doctor) forgot to warn us about seven year olds in second grade who can and will bring the flu home from school. Greeeaaaaattttt. And to think I took so much precaution! Now I'm stuck sipping on a hot cup of Theraflu every 6 hours. I hate Theraflu. Even more, I hate this flavor that's been given to me. Apple & Cinnamon. Seriously?!?! I don't do anything cinnamon.

Aaagghh, flu. I hate you so. I think I need a refund on my hand sanitizer.

P.S. Please check the schedule for upcoming Verastically Speaking shows (on the top left sidebar). It's been a little a lot crazy around here, but it's better now. The show will resume its regular schedule on Saturday, September 26th 2009 @ 10:00 AM EST (3:00 PM GMT). And for all the stalkers lovers of Ekene Agabu... he's back...!!! But don't say I told you so. You never knew Ekene was even here??? Well then.... get acquainted HERE.

P.P.S. The other co-hosts' names will be added as time goes on [before the show]. Don't forget to click on the show title to set up your reminders.

For The Love Of Mr. Shoes

I have done a lot of crazy things for love. Okay, fine, maybe not a lot, and come to think of it... what love? But this time, I am about to do something crazy for love. It really is crazy, and it really is love. A while back --- a really long while back --- I heard on the radio that if you have a partner [boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, husband, wife, whatever else there is out there these days] and he/she has never farted in front of you, it means that he/she has a lot to hide from you and cannot be trusted.

I am not one who wants to walk around farting. There is no honor in that! L In front of Funmie, Busola, etc, sure - in fact, it would be my pleasure J - but just anyone --- especially a man? Hmm. If memory serves me right, there are only two men I have deliberately farted in front of: my cousin (who is like a brother to me) and my father (and that was when I was a baby and could not countrol myself anyway). Fine, I admit I have farted in front of a few male babies. Sue me.

The radio personality also said that your partner should be able to do number two (doodoo/poop) in front of you. See, I have a big problem with this. I do not even like number-twoing in other people's homes - males or females. I prefer doing it in the comfort of my home where I can scream, shout, and sing while I'm doing it. Besides, ever since Funmi's doodoo clogged the toilet and someone else had to come fix it, I've been a bit on the paranoid side. Every slice of shit deserves a flush, peeps. Remember that the next time you decide to offload your excess luggage.

But for the love of Mr. Shoes, I will break my rules. Oh, yes, I will. I will go above and beyond to doodoo and fart in front of him - for him, of course. As you all may know or not know, I am extremely lactose intolerant. That said, I will consume as many dairy products as I can before I pay him a visit. And I'll mix it up with a very peppery bowl of peppersoup. That should take care of both natural occurences. (By the way, Natural Occurance is Mr. Shoes' word for the natural occurence of farting & doodoing).

After that, I will HAMMER. By the time I'm through with him, he will be sure that he knows me. Sure, he may be a little bloated, but the end will justify the means, no? Oh, the things I do for love!!! Let no one ever say I never showed Mr. Shoes any love.

And You Called Me... Why???

When I left Nigeria, I did not own a cell phone. My mother did not own a cell phone, and my father did not own a cell phone. In fact, no one in my household owned a cell phone. There was not - to my knowledge - anything like caller-id on home telephones either - not that it mattered anyway. We did not even own a home telephone either, now that I think of it. I don't remember why dad never put one in. It was one story or another about NITEL. In retrospect, I now know that dad was guying (fooling) us. The point is that even if we did own a home telephone, there was no way to tell who was calling before picking up the phone.

But with the introduction of cell phones, calling changed. I was so happy to know that my family and friends in Nigeria all owned cell phones and I could now call them at any time and vice versa. Of course, that excitement lasted all of one week, two weeks maybe. Who had the time to call people - especially with a calling card - all the time? This feeling is a lot easier to understand if you reside on this side of the border.

But strange things started happening. My [cell] phone would ring and then stop. Ring and then stop. Ring and then stop. Over and over. And over. And over. At first, I thought the connection was bad. It was only later that I learned this was a new phenomenom that was sweeping the nation. It was called, Flashing. For the American, non-Nigerian readers, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this flashing isn't what you think (possibly hope?) it is. This Nigerian flashing is when a person calls you, lets it ring once or twice and then hangs up before you pick up. It's like beeping you - except that you do not want to be beeped, which is evidenced by you not owning a beeper. Now, imagine someone flashing you over and over and over and over .... at 3:00 AM. Yes... feel the anger. LET IT BURN.

Since I did not own a cell phone in Nigeria, perhaps, I do not know the etiquettes of calling. For those who know, please answer the following questions: What exactly is the purpose of flashing someone? Is it to say, "Hey, just thinking about you?" Is it to say, "I'm too low on credit, so I can't call, but please call me back?" Is it to say, "I figured you'd be deep in REM sleep, so I thought I'd disturb?" Or is it what I have been thinking? The caller wants to say, "I'm in dire need of someone to get mad enough to kill me. Is this reason enough for you to send hired assasins after me?"

If a person owns a cell phone and knows how to dial international numbers on it, I'd expect that the person also knows that all the nations on the earth do not see the sun at the same time. In other words, just because the sun has just risen on your side of the world does not necessarily mean that everyone in the remaining four corners of earth - yes, I know the earth is round - is also seeing the sun. Case in point, Nigeria is currently FIVE whole hours ahead of some parts of the United States. I said some parts! That means that when it's 8:00 AM over there, it's actually just 3:00 AM over here, and you are NOT - I repeat, NOT - allowed to flash me incessantly for ANY reason.

No matter what the problem may be, there is nothing I can do for you at that time of the day night day night whatever. I am not God. I am not even Super Woman. So come what may, I cannot fly or teleport to Nigeria at that time. If money is the problem, Western Union is closed at 3:00 AM. If the transaction can be done online, I don't have the money. If I do have the money, I am flippin sleeping!

But it gets worse. Sometimes, the number of the person flashing me does not even show. All I see is unknown number or private number. Sometimes, it's just a blank screen and call is the only thing that is displayed. Yet, the unknown keeps flashing ... and flashing ... and flashing ... and flashing. No amount of anger, irritation, and determination will give me access to this person to say, "Dude/dudette, seriously stop!!!"

There are times when the caller is someone that I know. By know, I mean someone that I may have spoken to once or twice - perhaps a friend of a friend.... of a friend. If this person had flashed me at twelve noon while I was sitting on a heap of calling cards with nothing to do but count the hairs on my head, I still would not have been bored enough to call back. Yet, this person had the audacity to wake me up - right in the middle of that dream ... in the best part of it .... for what?!?!?!

To hail me???

Pardon Me

I might have misled you a bit. Just a bit. Remember when I told you that I was just 21 a little while ago? Yes, yes... I mean when I nagged about age creeping up on me... yes, that day. Well, I also blogged about my upcoming birthday - a day I love by the way - but obviously, a new birthday means a new age. A bigger age.

The point is ... while I was typing away about my upcoming birthday, I may have given the impression that said birthday is in a few days - or at least a few weeks. Did I forget to mention that my birthday is actually on January 14th? Silly me! I have to say that this is the first time I have started receiving birthday wishes from August! Tobenna even wished me a happy birthday in arrears. Nawa o! It's either I have misled you or you all are an enthusiastic lot! Yeap.... definitely enthusiastic :=)

Speaking of birthdays, how can I conclude this post without wishing our very own Nefertiti a very big happy birthday!!!! Neffie, it's 12:00 sharp. Technically, I am the first to say happy birthday. You never said I had to be the first to say it over the phone. So happy birthday once again. I have not forgiven you for having a baby before you even told us - your blog family - that you were pregnant, but that's by the way. I'll try not to mention it today. Wairraminute!! Did Neffie close down her blog, or is blogger on crack this midnight?! Neffie, if you've closed down your blog, then I retract this happy birthday parahraph I just dedicated to you.

Now, I know you're all worried about what gifts to buy me for my birthday - yes, I know you want to get a headstart on it, but I assure you that I am working very hard on a list that will suit you and I very well. Despair not. I will not pick anything too cheap. I know how you just hate, hate, HATE it when I do that. It's just that sometimes I cannot help but be considerate. :-) Oh, well. Some people are just made to be nice i.e. me.

I finally got Nwoke Ocha back (on the 31st of August). For those that are confused, he's my laptop. His keyboard - amongst a few other things - was replaced. It turns out I've been doing a lot of typing. Me? Noooo!!! I only update my blog every three days, tweet everyday, facebook every day, write and reply e-mails every day, do some writing most days, reply comments on my blog most days too. That's not a lot of typing, is it? I bought Nwoke Ocha in October. It's amazing that between October 2008 and August 2009, I have damaged his keyboard. Nawa o. Perhaps, I need a laptop with a heavy duty keyboard. Ideas, anyone?

Please, please, please... help me welcome Rosie to Blogville. She was one of my co-hosts for the 'Female, Accomplished, Over 30, and Single' show, and she has joined us on Blogville. Yay!! Go over there and make her feel welcome. I said make her feel welcome. I didn't say chase her away with you kolomentality.

Dear Massage Oil

It's not funny anymore.

Seriously, it is so not funny anymore. I have had you for YEARS now. Your first owner, Funmie gave you to me several years ago, and you were exactly this size when she gave you to me. The only difference between then and now is that you have collected dust and dirt from sitting on my dresser, untouched.

I am hurt that no one - man, woman, child, beast, or stuffed animal - has even glanced at you and raised an eyebrow. For years, I have thought about all the fun times you, I, and someone else could have, but for years, no one worthy has shown his face, so on my dresser, you have remained...looking at me, looking at you.

I have taken the liberty to study your label today. Apparently, you're scented. Scented, huh? For a scented oil, you stink! I don't know if you stink because you have been sitting on my dresser for years or if you stink because you have always stunk, but either way, you stink. Well, you don't stink that badly, but you stink - for a scented oil.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that Funmie gave me this massage oil. At this time, I know you must be wondering any, some or all of the following:

1. Why on earth did you take a hand-me-down massage oil from Funmie?

2. Why did Funmie even give the massage oil away? Was the problem with the oil or her partner in crime (who could either have been the massager or the massagee. Yes, the term Masseuse does come to mind at this time, but massager makes for a better Verastic term. You know how we at Verastic dot com can be.)

3. Forget about why Funmie gave the massage oil away. The better question is who did Funmie use the massage oil with? In other words, who was the mysterious massager/massagee?

4. K.Y. huh? What else does Funmie have from K.Y.?

These, of course, are your questions - not mine. This is not me projecting my questions on you. Nooo!! I wouldn't do that. That said, does anyone know the recipe for frying plantain and cooking stew with three or four year old massage oil? And if you do, send it along with the antidote for eating such a meal.

~ Written in a state of euphoria + ecstasy. Nwoke Ocha is back from the hospital. And they did not mess with his hard drive. Life, after all, is good.

*Wink, Wink*