I have done a lot of crazy things for love. Okay, fine, maybe not a lot, and come to think of it... what love? But this time, I am about to do something crazy for love. It really is crazy, and it really is love. A while back --- a really long while back --- I heard on the radio that if you have a partner [boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, husband, wife, whatever else there is out there these days] and he/she has never farted in front of you, it means that he/she has a lot to hide from you and cannot be trusted.
I am not one who wants to walk around farting. There is no honor in that! L In front of Funmie, Busola, etc, sure - in fact, it would be my pleasure J - but just anyone --- especially a man? Hmm. If memory serves me right, there are only two men I have deliberately farted in front of: my cousin (who is like a brother to me) and my father (and that was when I was a baby and could not countrol myself anyway). Fine, I admit I have farted in front of a few male babies. Sue me.
The radio personality also said that your partner should be able to do number two (doodoo/poop) in front of you. See, I have a big problem with this. I do not even like number-twoing in other people's homes - males or females. I prefer doing it in the comfort of my home where I can scream, shout, and sing while I'm doing it. Besides, ever since Funmi's doodoo clogged the toilet and someone else had to come fix it, I've been a bit on the paranoid side. Every slice of shit deserves a flush, peeps. Remember that the next time you decide to offload your excess luggage.
But for the love of Mr. Shoes, I will break my rules. Oh, yes, I will. I will go above and beyond to doodoo and fart in front of him - for him, of course. As you all may know or not know, I am extremely lactose intolerant. That said, I will consume as many dairy products as I can before I pay him a visit. And I'll mix it up with a very peppery bowl of peppersoup. That should take care of both natural occurences. (By the way, Natural Occurance is Mr. Shoes' word for the natural occurence of farting & doodoing).
After that, I will HAMMER. By the time I'm through with him, he will be sure that he knows me. Sure, he may be a little bloated, but the end will justify the means, no? Oh, the things I do for love!!! Let no one ever say I never showed Mr. Shoes any love.
