Sins Of The Mother

Remember when I put up that angry post about people flashing me at odd hours of the night? Well, it's really amazing because there is this particular person that does it most, and I know that he/she reads my blog. I also know that he/she read that particular post. So why did he/she still continue to flash - although no longer at that ungodly hour???

Here comes my aha moment. My mother is the cause! No, no, she does not know him/her. However, this is a case where the sins of the mother have come to hunt the daughter. Mom does not flash anyone. The sound of this last sentence compels me to explain once more time that flashing [in Nigeria] does not mean what flashing in America means. In Nigeria [or in Nigerian terms], flashing is when a person calls you, lets it rings about once or twice, and then hangs up. The idea is to have his/her number flash on your phone and then you call him/her back.

So as I was saying, mom does not flash anyone [in spite of the previous explanation of flash/flashing, this sentence still sounds very awkward. Mom & flash just shouldn't be in the same sentence. Ah, I've been in this country too long]. What mom does instead is call people in Nigeria at 11pm. No, not 11pm their time; I mean 11pm our time. That's 4am their time! And as if that's not bad enough, she starts the conversation by asking, "Oh, did I wake you up?"

Seriously???? No, of course not, mom. People just usually stay awake at 4am ... especially on week days. You know how good it feels to get two hours of sleep before springing up for another day's work. Woop-tee-doo!!! I don't even know why she asks that question because the person's response will not deter her from saying what she called to say. It might take anywhere from zero to twenty-one minutes (which is the maximum that a $2 Nigeria DC calling card gives).

I - wherever I may be during this conversation - am usually boiling with anger ... for this person, of course. I just don't get it. Why would you wake someone up at four in the morning??? What is it that cannot wait till later? And there I was raising fire and brimstone for the people that flash me at three in the morning while my own mother was [still is] busy waking people up from their REM sleep. No wonder the flashers have targeted my phone. I need to start giving out my mother's number as mine. Justice must be served!

If by any chance I do move back to Nigeria before mom, I need to warn her to cease and desist from dialing my number between the hours of 8:59pm and 8:59am - Nigerian Time. No, I will not be sleeping during all of those hours, of course, but before the children come into the picture, they will first need to be invented... will they not??? These things don't happen by themselves, peeps.

And You Called Me... Why???

When I left Nigeria, I did not own a cell phone. My mother did not own a cell phone, and my father did not own a cell phone. In fact, no one in my household owned a cell phone. There was not - to my knowledge - anything like caller-id on home telephones either - not that it mattered anyway. We did not even own a home telephone either, now that I think of it. I don't remember why dad never put one in. It was one story or another about NITEL. In retrospect, I now know that dad was guying (fooling) us. The point is that even if we did own a home telephone, there was no way to tell who was calling before picking up the phone.

But with the introduction of cell phones, calling changed. I was so happy to know that my family and friends in Nigeria all owned cell phones and I could now call them at any time and vice versa. Of course, that excitement lasted all of one week, two weeks maybe. Who had the time to call people - especially with a calling card - all the time? This feeling is a lot easier to understand if you reside on this side of the border.

But strange things started happening. My [cell] phone would ring and then stop. Ring and then stop. Ring and then stop. Over and over. And over. And over. At first, I thought the connection was bad. It was only later that I learned this was a new phenomenom that was sweeping the nation. It was called, Flashing. For the American, non-Nigerian readers, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this flashing isn't what you think (possibly hope?) it is. This Nigerian flashing is when a person calls you, lets it ring once or twice and then hangs up before you pick up. It's like beeping you - except that you do not want to be beeped, which is evidenced by you not owning a beeper. Now, imagine someone flashing you over and over and over and over .... at 3:00 AM. Yes... feel the anger. LET IT BURN.

Since I did not own a cell phone in Nigeria, perhaps, I do not know the etiquettes of calling. For those who know, please answer the following questions: What exactly is the purpose of flashing someone? Is it to say, "Hey, just thinking about you?" Is it to say, "I'm too low on credit, so I can't call, but please call me back?" Is it to say, "I figured you'd be deep in REM sleep, so I thought I'd disturb?" Or is it what I have been thinking? The caller wants to say, "I'm in dire need of someone to get mad enough to kill me. Is this reason enough for you to send hired assasins after me?"

If a person owns a cell phone and knows how to dial international numbers on it, I'd expect that the person also knows that all the nations on the earth do not see the sun at the same time. In other words, just because the sun has just risen on your side of the world does not necessarily mean that everyone in the remaining four corners of earth - yes, I know the earth is round - is also seeing the sun. Case in point, Nigeria is currently FIVE whole hours ahead of some parts of the United States. I said some parts! That means that when it's 8:00 AM over there, it's actually just 3:00 AM over here, and you are NOT - I repeat, NOT - allowed to flash me incessantly for ANY reason.

No matter what the problem may be, there is nothing I can do for you at that time of the day night day night whatever. I am not God. I am not even Super Woman. So come what may, I cannot fly or teleport to Nigeria at that time. If money is the problem, Western Union is closed at 3:00 AM. If the transaction can be done online, I don't have the money. If I do have the money, I am flippin sleeping!

But it gets worse. Sometimes, the number of the person flashing me does not even show. All I see is unknown number or private number. Sometimes, it's just a blank screen and call is the only thing that is displayed. Yet, the unknown keeps flashing ... and flashing ... and flashing ... and flashing. No amount of anger, irritation, and determination will give me access to this person to say, "Dude/dudette, seriously stop!!!"

There are times when the caller is someone that I know. By know, I mean someone that I may have spoken to once or twice - perhaps a friend of a friend.... of a friend. If this person had flashed me at twelve noon while I was sitting on a heap of calling cards with nothing to do but count the hairs on my head, I still would not have been bored enough to call back. Yet, this person had the audacity to wake me up - right in the middle of that dream ... in the best part of it .... for what?!?!?!

To hail me???