Let's Talk About [Oral] Sex

I can just see the excitement on everyone's face.  You sex-deprived lot!  Consider this post a rejoinder to my post, Bless Me Father For I Have Kissed.  Now, in case no one noticed, the operative word in the title of that post was KISSED.  As in, we were supposed to be talking about the critical issue at hand aka my predicament: the taboo in kissing before marriage.  

I happened to mention (in one tiny little sentence) that it was also mentioned during the dinner/conference that oral sex between married couples is a sin.  Just because of that small sentence, everyone abandoned the issue @ hand (my predicament) to talk about why they must have oral sex when married...come rain, come shine.  Even Banky W commented.  Rumor has it that he was right in the middle of a concert when he heard Verastic Dot Com published a post saying that having oral sex with his future wife was a sin, so he quickly stopped the concert to come & comment.  Okay, I lie.  I am the sole starter and spreader of this rumor.   But it could have been true... no?

After eighty-seven comments, five truths have sufficed: 

1.  Una too love oral sex (you love oral sex too much)!!  

2.  You will all have first-class tickets to hell.

3.  You will be at the honeymoon suite in the penthouse of hell.

4.  I'm not going with you.

5.  I'm really, really, REALLY not going with you.

So a lot of people asked where it says in the bible that oral sex between married couples is perversion.  I have looked through the bible, and of course, I cannot find the following exact words (if that is what you are looking for):

"Thou shalt not suck on your neighbor's penis."  OR "Thou shalt not lick your neighbor's vagina."  No, those words are not there exactly.  However, the following words are there:

**  "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." (Lev 18:22)

**  "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it.  A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion." (Lev 18: 23)

**  "Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery..." (Romans 13:13)

** The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambiton, dissensions, factions of envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like..." (Galatians 5: 19-21)

These words are not mine obviously.  They are from my bible (Women of Faith Study Bible.  NIV).  ADifferentNaijaSpec, I hope these bible quotations have answered your question about what is considered a sin.  Direct any further questions to God.  LOL.  

Nice Anon asked, "Is feeling for the size of the thing considered or can it be counted as kissing too?  I ask because no one wants to end up with an Asian sized thing.  You know they are known for having peanut sized thing."

Ehm... Madam Nice Anon, I will go ahead and make an educated guess here: God will not approve of any feeling for the size of "the thing" before marriage.  LOL.  I might be wrong oh, but something just tells me there is no way to explain that to God.  Besides, how many Asian "things" does it take to prove your hypothesis?  Plenty!  So how many have you felt?  If your answer is "at least half of the Asian population," I'll give you my advise: stay away from the Asian men.  Ha ogodo nwoke aka ka ogodo nwoke ha gi (Leave men's trousers alone so that men's trousers will leave you) .... so says my mom.... and no, not to me!  That is what she used to tell our help, Nkechi.... right before Nkechi got pregnant.  It is safe to assume that Nkechi didn't listen, but anyway...

Per the comments I'm receiving, lemme clarify something up: The reason why "orgies" is in bold is because I mentioned it as a sin in my other post.  I put it in bold here as reinforcement.  The relationship between oral sex and animals?  Well, technically none.  But the conference I attended considers oral sex as perversion while the bible considers sex with animals as perversion.  It might help to read the first post, Bless Me Father For I Have Kissed.  Now that we have tackled this oral sex problem, can we get back to the issue of my kissing or lack-of-kissing  palaver?

P.S. For those that want to know who I have been kissing... send me a Range Rover Sport and we can talk.  But the most important thing is that My Kisser would prefer to be addressed as My Kisser (not my Kissee as someone/some people called him) because he initiated the kiss.  Hey, I'm just the messenger here.  *wink*  If you need clarification, direct your questions to him.  I'll be sure he gets them.

Your thoughts?

Bless Me Father, For I Have Kissed...

... My last kiss was ---- well, let's leave that alone. There is no need to put that on here now, is there? You and I both know the answer. Let's leave it between me, You, and him.

A while ago, I attended a Singles' Dinner/Conference in church. Funmi was there. Ibukun was there. Even three year old Ireti was there. She's single too, you know. The event was really nice, and I was glad I went. They (the married folks) advised us (the single folks) on how to live the godly single life. Some of the things they told us, I already knew... like sex before marriage is fornication. When a married person has sex with someone other than his/her spouse, that is adultery. All kinds of sex before marriage is a sin. Yes, so whether you engage in vaginal, oral, anal, or whatever other orifice (nose, ears, etc), it is still all sex... and still all fornication. I was not surpised about that. Afrobabe, Shona Vixen, Ibiluv, Roc Naija, Ms Sula, and Word Merchant ... sebi una dey hear me so?

But eventually, I became very surprised by some of the things I heard. Apparently, oral sex between married couples is also a sin. Honestly, I didn't know that. I thought it was okay. But apparently, it's perversion. They said it's unnatural sex. I don't know what to make of this news. I'm not going to tell you otherwise because I would not want to mislead you against the word of God. The truth of the matter is that I am still very confused. For some reason, I was under the impression that it was okay for married couples to have oral sex.

But it gets worse. Before marriage, I am not allowed to do several other things. They are "kissing, necking, smooching, caressing... and even fantasizing." Haba!!! Body no be firewood na! What am I supposed to do when I have a fiance? Shoot, forget fiance. What am I supposed to do when I have a boyfriend? Shake hands??? Oh, and hugging is not recommended either. It's not a sin, but it's not recommended because it can lead to the temptation of kissing, necking, caressing, smooching.... and heavens forbid.... fantasizing!!! And once you fall into the temptation of kissing (or any other of the abominable acts), you may very well fall into bed and indulge in a form of sex. In case you're wondering, the following are also all sins: masturbation, hand job, fingering, and the weird thing where you cocoon the man's member between your breasts. Of course, 3somes and orgies are major sins! Now, that's perversion.

What to do... what to do. I have kissed. And lemme not lie, the kiss was baaaaaad! Bad as in when-can-I-get-the-next-installment kind of bad. Yes, it was that good. But now, they said I'm not allowed to kiss anymore. I'm not even allowed to think about the kiss. Oturugbeke! This is an outrage! I need my attorney (Luscious Ron) to do something about this immediately. Perhaps, we could appeal to God? If only God were to taste this kiss that I'm referring to, He too will understand that resisting this kiss is impossicant.

Okay, even if I manage to resist the kiss, how do I resist the thought of fantasizing about the kiss? Hmmmm. This must be the ploy of my enemies to get me to stop kissing, but they have failed. They want me to stop kissing, so they can start kissing my kisser abi? **laughing in Igbo** It will not work for them @ alllll. I must get to the bottom of this no-kiss rule. How can I stay in the same room with the kisser and not be kissed? In fact, how can we coexist on the same earth and not kiss? Our lips are magnetic. I almost cannot help it, so technically it's not even my fault. I think I need to go and explain this to the Pastor.

But in the meantime inbetween time, I need my dear attorney at law, Luscious Ron to start preparing an appeal document to our Father in Heaven. He should please understand me.... ehn. Dear God, please let me have this one little small sin.