Searching For Something?

Ever heard of Google Analytics? Azuka installed it on my blog a while ago (although I had to reinstall it later ....all by myself, and I feel so smart!). Anyway, you install it on your blog and it tracks number of visitors, how visitors got referred to your site (facebook, someone else's blog, etc), on what day you had the most visitors, and what search words brought people to your blog. Now, this is where it gets interesting. Here are some funny searches people made. Some of them are perpeplexing, funny, ridiculous, and well, Verastic. I cannot help but wonder why some of these searches brought the searcher to Verastic.com; my thoughts are in blue.

1. "Vera Ezimora" (Okay, so this is the top search, but it's understandable why it brings people to my blog. Obviously, it's my name. Moving along.)

2. "Affluence.org scam" (Yes, apparently, that website affluence dot org is a scam. A while ago, I blogged about it, saying I was invited to join the site.)

3. "Vera Ezimora and oral sex" (Now, this is a bit tricky. Is the person looking for me having oral sex??? Or is the person looking for a piece written by me on oral sex?? I hope it's the latter. Dear searcher, I have never written an article on oral sex, but here is a blog post I wrote a while ago that might help...)

4. "Vera Ezimora university in Essex" (Vera Ezimora owns no University in Essex, but now that you have brought the idea up, I will start working towards it. God be my strength.)

5. "Danny Bagucci" (Oti o! Danny, pesin don find you come my blog. Ehm, dear searcher, please find Danny Bagucci HERE)

6. "Girl wedgies." (Yes, I reckon I know what that feels like. Please feel free to read about my experience HERE)

7. "Push up bra before and after." (I own a push up bra that I have never worn; let's just say it leaves my boobies a little too pushed up for comfort. But the search for it was interesting. You can read that too HERE)

8. "Naapali" (You came too late. He stopped blogging. But you can visit the tombstone of his blog)

9. "search myspace of girls without a bra." (What???? Well, this is not MySpace, and there sure isn't any1 without a bra here. Well, maybe Funmi. She likes being naked 24/7. Some1 pls tell her her husband will get tired of seeing her naked.)

10. "Sexting" (Isn't that the thing where you send sexy pictures thru text messages? Funmie blogged about that here)

11. "sharing thongs" (That's disgusting! Yuck!)

12. "tropical rain forest" (Oh, I remember the days of my tropical rain forest. It has long been shaved. You can read about it here)

13. "Anambra people hate Imo people." (When did this happen?? I must be behind schedule.)

14. "bananas in oral sex" (What is it with people and oral sex sef???)

15. "big booty wedgies" (I might know something about that. *wink*)

16. "big wedgie to my mother" (You wanna give your mom a wedgie? That's just wrong!)

17. "body research on watch how a clit grows" (Ehn??? Watch how what grows?)

18. "can a woman take extenze" (I've been wondering the same thing too! Read here)

19. "can you disvirgin someone with a condom" (With the condom alone? No. With a member inside the condom? Yeap.)

20. "can women stink up the bathroom" (Of course not! We're perfect.)

21. "do Nigerians engage in oral sex" (Another oral sex question! Yes, they do. I see you wanna know before you get involved, ey? lol)

22. "garden of eden oral sex" (I have read the entire book of Genesis. There is no record of Adam & Eve engaging in oral sex....)

23. "how to get a guy horny" (Which kin pesin dey ask dis kin question? That's like the easiest thing 2 do. Shoot, breeze blowing on their member makes them horny. This is not an endorcement to make him horny ... unless he's your husband, then I'll say fire on!)

24. "how to increase size of hips in males" (Hips in males??? I don't think that's a very good idea. But then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.)

25. "how to make my man do oral sex" (I don't think I can help you there)

26. "I love to suck my sister's 44dd boobs" (Just in case you didn't know, that's incest. And not to mention, disgusting!)

27. "love dating Igbo men" (Sadly, I dunno what that feels like - yet)

28. "my waist is way bigger than my hips" (Ah, e get as e be oo! That's probably a bit problematic)

29. "snakes on a nipple" (Whose nipple???)

30. "tobenna and j wedding" (LOL. Ehm, please go to brother Tobenna's blog to get all details about his wedding to J. Me, I no know!)

31. "Verastically livin lyrics" (Verastically livin' has no lyrics. Who dash monkey banana?)

32. "why do we have oral sex" (Ask the person you're having the oral sex with)

33. "what is D'banj's email address" (Hahahahaha. Well, his manager might have it, but Vera sure doesn't. U wan send am email? LOL)

34. "what not to do to her during oral sex" (Not biting her would probably help. Let's start with that).

35. "what sex position is good for having twins" (Biko, if you find out, tell me ooo! Once I get married, my husband and I will be restricted to this sex position. I must have twins by fire!)

36. "what would happen if you didn't have a heart" (I'm assuming you'll meet Baba God. But I might be wrong.)

37. "who broke D'banj's heart" (Some1 broke D'banj's heart?? When? No!!! Not my D'banj! Not my D'banj!!!)

38. "who is the girl having sex on snakes on a plane" (I don't know. But I bet people will run & go see that movie now)

39. "Why do guys never give oral sex" (Honestly, I don tire for oral sex questions.)

40. "why do my nipples itch" (I don't know. But mine itch a lotta times too. Hmm. Ehn, just scratch the thing na..!)

41. "How long does it take to get approval from affluence.org" (Affluence dot org is a scam ooo! Be warned. If you have already applied, then goodluck to you.)

Whew!! There were actually 450 searches, but I chose the 41 funniest/weirdest ones. What have I learnt from all this? People lovvvvvvvvve oral sex AND it apparently brings traffic to my blog. Well, who woulda thunk it?! Oh, and uhm Google Analytics rawks!

p.s. For those that asked questions after I had answered, please check the comment section of my previous post for replies to your question(s).

Shalom!

Honestly Answering

Thank you all for your very ridiculous - I mean nice - questions. Some of the questions made me laugh my head off and some of them made my mouth hang open. As I type this, my mouth is still hanging open. Una get serious audacity o! So because I said you should ask me any question, you think you can now ask me any question abi? What nerves! lol. In order to give you my full attention and not overwhelm myself in the process, I actually started responding to the questions from Monday (Jan 26th 2009). In other words, this is a scheduled post. Now, let the fun begin!

Naughty Eyes: Vera, SERIOUSLY, will you marry me? Before answering, take note that I have no money oh but my mum keeps looking at me and saying: "This boy, I know you have POTENTIAL" Whatever that means...

Vera: Seriously, of course, I will marry you. But you know there is a way to these things. Ur people have to meet my people, and then our people will discuss. lol. Together, you and I can make your potential become actual. :)

OluwaDee: Where will you hide my pegs if you steal them?

Vera: It's quite unfortunate you're a girl. If you were a guy, I woulda hidden them in my bra. Actually, come to think of it...what stops me from hiding them in my bra? Yeap, that's where I will hide them. They better not pinch my nipples. Or else, major law suit! U know I know LusciousRon abi?

Standtall: My question be say, u never anwer the true-lie post. SO, which is which and thanks for abandoning my blog. I am taking it personally!

Vera: Number 1 is the lie. Of course Vera Ezimora is my real name. Number two is true. I really am celibate, and no, it has nothing to do with me not having a boyfriend. I would still be celibate if I had a boyfriend. And yes, it is tres difficult. Number 3 is also true. I was a nursing student. Hated it with everything in me. Coudln't be creative with nursing. They wouldn't let me freestyle with the injection and inject it anywhere...like the eye for example, so I quit. Mom & Dad were supa disappointed. Apparently, dad was hoping on me to takeover his clinic. Me ke? No oh. As for abandoning your blog, honey, would I dare? No!

Xprexxion Magazine: so when are you getting married?

Vera: Mr Xprexxion, sooo not funny! I am not laughing with you. And weldone for that stunt you pulled the other day. I'll be getting married when he proposes. If you know who he is, then tell him to propose ASAP so that you can come and take my pictures.

Folake: Why do you blog and what's your blog(ging) goal?

Vera: When I started blogging, I started because I just wanted to write down the thoughts that were going on in my head. As time went on, I began to blog about things that happened to me. I wasn't tryna be funny; I just wrote things the way I thought about them. People found them funny. Now, I guess my goal is to write humorous events about my life and bring as many smiles as I can to people's faces.........and become rich and famous in the process, of course. LOL :)

Write Freak: So will you consider marrying a younger man?

Vera: Boy! This is a hard one. I'd like to instantly say, heck no! But what if he's everything I ever wanted (except younger than me)? I definitely will not let his age stand in the way. We'll just have to start lying to people (and me) about his age. lol.

Tisha: what is your motivation for life? what is your wildest dream, the thing you want the most but think you will never have?

Vera: My motivation for life? It's quite simple: once there is life, there is hope. Things are not always fruity and fun, but once there is life, one can always hope for a better tomorrow. I have no wildest dream that I think I can never have. There is nothing new under the sun now. As long as I'm not aspiring to get a woman pregnant, I'm sure that whatever else I'm aspiring for, someone has either done it or come very close to it. And that someone doesn't have two heads, so why not me? I aspire to be a national best selling author, a multiple award winning author, a business woman extraordinaire, and one heck of a wife and mother. Za best eva! Besides, with God, everything is possible

Temite: How many lovers have you had? hehehehehe. since i know you wont answer that question, silly girl, I will ask this one...what do you want in Mr. Vera?

Vera: Hehehehe. Dis ur first question get K leg oo. I would have actually answered, but since you assumed I wouldn't, I have no choice but not to. That's what you get for assuming things. As for Mr Vera, lemme bring out my list: First of all, Mr. Vera has to be God-fearing because the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Obviously, that means Mr. Vera has to be an intelligent, wise man. Mr Vera has to have an impeccable sense of humor, he has to be humble, assertive, a man of vision, and of course, he has to be totally crazy about me. Oh, no smoking and/or drinking, please. This is just a summary. The list is wayyyy longer. lol.

Funms-The-Rebirth: Wat's one thing u will like people to see in you?

Vera: In me, I will like people to see God's love and favor. It probably sounds like a cliche, but that is really what I want people to see in me (plus some amount of craziness, fabulosity, sweetness....alright fine, I want people to see the total package, darn it! That includes God's love & favor o!)

Marjoram: What's your favourite colour?

Vera: My favorite color is blue. It became my favorite color when I was in elementary school; and I was in the blue house which was called Lamingo. Don't have a favorite shade of blue though.

Anonymous: (1). How will you define "Intelligence"? (2). Do you think everyone is born intelligent? (3). If yes, why are there some seemingly "dumb" people? (4). If No, How does one develop intelligence? (5) Is academic achievement a measure of intelligence? For example is an "A" student who seems not to study at all more intelligent than a "B" student who has to read extra hard to make an "A"? (6). If you had to choose between beauty devoid of brains and brains devoid of beauty, which will you choose?

Vera: Wow! Loadza questions. I love you, Anonymous Person. Lemme go get a cup of tea; I need to balance well to answer your questions.

1. Intelligence is being book-smart, street-smart, and wise....all rolled into one handsome virtue: intelligence. I'm glad you asked me this because I never really thought about the meaning of intelligence to me.

2. Yes, I think everyone is born intelligent. God is not foolish, and since we were all made in His image, we cannot be born foolish.

3. I am no expert, but I think there are some seemingly dumb people because they choose - unconsciously, albeit - to not make use of their intelligence. They reason differently, and perhaps, factor in things that should not be factored in.

4. All good things come from God. We pray to God for health and wealth, so why not intelligence? If you want more intelligence, pray to God for more intelligence, and then do your part - whatever it might be. If you're looking to be more book smart, then read more and concerntrate more. If you're looking to be more street smart, then you could still read more. Start with the book of Proverbs. Good stuff.

5. Academic achievement is only part of intelligence, so it's not a complete measure. Besides, sometimes a student can Ace a course without putting in too much effort because he/she is naturally good @ it. I, for example, usually excel in writing assignments, courses, and essay questions. I usually don't put too much effort into it; someone else find writing to be the most difficult thing ever. But when I took chemistry, I had to study extra, extra hard to ace it. Some others just breezed thru it.

6. This is the easiest question you have asked. I will definitely pick brains devoid of beauty. Beauty without brains is such a huge waste. Beauty can only take you so far, and even when it takes you there, it won't keep you there. Brains will take you places, keep you there, and open doors you never even tried to get into.

Aloted: Honestly, what vices will you say you have?

Vera: Not a lot. I'm almost perfect. lol. I joke a lot, you know. It's great a lot of times cos I crack people up, but sometimes, people are not in the mood to laugh. (I should mention, though that I have never cracked a joke during a burial, so I'm not all that bad.) Sometimes I try too hard to see the good in people...in spite of all the red flags. It is almost as if I am desperate to see some good in the person. My biggest vice right now is my sometimes wavering faith in God. Sometimes, the mountain just seems too big for God; I HATE feeling this way.

Miss Definitely Maybe: How open minded are you about finding the one, would you seriously consider someone who was blind, etc (seriously)

Vera: I'm quite open minded. I'm not gonna kid myself and say I'm open to marrying a Chinese Puerto Rican who lives in Jamaica and has a child by an Iraqian woman, but you know... I'm definitely open. :) Obviously, I'd prefer that my love not be blind, but if he's everything I ever wanted and blind, then screw that, blindness will not stop me.

Nefertiti: (1). What's one misconception people have about you? (2). How tall are you?

Vera: (1). Because of how honestly I blog about my experiences (with yeye guys), I think I give off the impression that I am kinda sorta mean and maybe judgmental and unapproachable, which is really not the case. At the risk of tooting my own horns, I would like to say that I am very, very approachable and friendly. Alright, do I sound pathetic enough? I also wonder why people think I am a star/celebrity; that too is a misconception. If I am a star, I don't know about it. When I become a star/celebrity, you will know. I will fashy Funmi, Busola, and Uju...right after they gimme my birthday gifts, of course.

(2). I'm 5'5"... although the other day I went for a checkup and the nurse took my height and had the audacity to tell me I was only 5 feet and four-three-quarter inches. Imagine the nonsense! How I go fit explain the remaining inches??? *hiss* Like I said, I'm 5'5". That's my story and I'm sticking 2 it.

Shona Vixen: Considering I've blogged about romance, What's the most romantic thing you've done? and what's the most stupid thing you've done all in the name of 'love'?

Vera: Five years ago, the biggest crush of my life was sent to Iraq (he was in the military). I liked him sooo much. I never liked any1 as much as I liked him. While he was in Iraq, he called every now and then (when insurgents weren't tryna blow his cute butt up); he emailed me frequently, and yahoo messenger was our bestest friend. So the romantic thing I did was every Saturday, I wrote him a letter. It was a letter telling him how things were going, things that happened that while he was away, how I missed him, etc. I never posted any of the letters. I never told him I wrote them either. I intended to give them all to him when he returned. But somewhere along the line sha, things ended abruptly (we weren't dating by the way, just liking each other). I was still gonna give him the letters when he returned, but he pissed me off. In my anger, I ripped them up. I also printed out alllll our chats, and they were a lot too. Yeah, I ripped those up in my anger too. Wish I didn't though. By the way, we're friends now. I mean friends as in just friends. Never even kissed the guy. Ah, if I could turn back the hands of time.... lol. I seriously hope he doesn't read this.

Dumbest thing I did for love? I borrowed money to a boyfriend. He's now an ex. The money has still not been paid; it has gone to wherever unpaid money goes to. Hope he loses tripple that amount from every salary he receives. Yeah, I said it.

The Experiences of an Achiever: have you found THE GREAT LOVE yet?

Vera: No, I have not. The closest I came was my fine military man, but that wasn't even love. That was extreme like. If nurtured, it would have probably become love. But there is no time for coulda-woulda-shouldas.

Just Toluwa: wats ur account # and how do i get ur signature?

Vera: LOL. Let's do this the simple way. Gimme your account number. I'll transfer some money to you; that way, you'll have my account number. Send me a perfume, then I'll send you a hand written thank-you note with my signature.

Temi: how come you have never visited my blog? i'mma paste a link and God help you if i dont see ur comment(lol)

Vera: LOL! My darling, I am sorry ooo! Have I really never visited your blog??? Well, consider than changed. God will not let me incure Temi's wrath.

Fine Boy Agbero: "You promised all d male bloggers one child each, abi? Oya, when I go get my own? And I want am kia-kia o!"

Vera: Fine Boy Agbero, you have to let me know when you want your own. Whenever you're ready, just meet me at my house so we can set the ball rolling. I must warn, we do have strong genes. Your child is likely gonna look like me.

Bumight: when last were u in a relationship and for how long?

Vera: Honestly, this is one question I was hoping I wouldn't get asked. If I could explain it in 'Facebook terminology,' I would say "It's complicated." But for the purpose of Verastically Livin,' the last time I was in a relationship was August 2007. And that lasted for two years - unfortunately. Wish it had ended sooner. lol.

Senator: (1). can u do silly things in a strange place where nobody knows u. (2). How ve u been telling suitor, pls am not interested. (3). what is d answer to your 2 truth 1 lie (4). which of my personal names do u like most?

Vera: Another multiple questionaire, ehn?

(1). It depends on what 'silly things' means. Sorry, Senator, I'm sure my answer is too vague for you, but your question is not totally clear.

(2). When you say 'suitor,' do you mean a man who asks for my hand in marriage or a man who is interested in dating me? I'm assuming you mean the former coz that's what I've always known a suitor as. On that note, I have never had a suitor that is a potential husband. I mean, I've never any1 actually propose to me; I've only had men claim to want to marry me (a week after meeting me). And there are also those who want me to introduce them to my mother. But as what na??? When did we start history that we're drawing map? Ehn to answer your question, I say 'no' as diplomatically as possible.

(3). Please refer to my reply to Standtall (the 3rd question).

(4). @onebox. Too funny

Buttercup: whats the one thing(or things) u wish to do that u've never done?

Vera: Apart from publishing my book & starting my businesses, I wish to fall in love.

Luscious Ron: Happy blog birthday. We should have a mini party abi what do you think?

Vera: You might not consider this a question, but since it ends with a question mark, I must answer. Yes, we should have a mini party. Where will you be hosting it for me, babe? By the way, did you really send me something thru NIPOST? E never reach o! Abi na traffic jam?

N.I.M.M.O: (1). So how has it been? (2). You promised male bloggers a child each, how you gonna do it?

Vera: (1) I'm assuming you're talking about blogging. It's been beautiful albeit many times challenging. There have been countless times that I did not feel like blogging, but I just willed myself to do it because I felt like people were counting on me to read something new. Plus, I paid for my domain name. lol.

(2). The old fashioned way, of course! Just come to my house when you're ready and we'll set the ball rolling. *wink*

Anonymous: Why do you have a P.O. Box or is it a joke?

Vera: LOL. I have the P. O. BOX for the same reason I have an email address and phone number: means of contact. And no, it is definitely not a joke. It works. You should try sending me a perfume to confirm that it's not a joke. *wink*

Doug: Do you have siblings?

Vera: No, I do not. Yes, I know I have never, ever, ever, EVER mentioned that publicly, so go ahead and win the 'Best Revealer of Vera' Award. lol. Didn't want y'll to assume I'm spoilt (which is usually the assumption), but now that you know..... well, just know that my husband has his work cut out for him. I have to be spoilt o! And no, I am not currently spoilt. lol.

Rethots: Why will you not "...answer all the questions to....satisfaction."?

Vera: Because I anticipated that some of the questions might be risqué, so I had to put out a disclaimer. You know now! lol.

Zara (my alter ego): what do u weigh?

Vera: I don't weigh myself. I hear people have heart attacks by the knowledge of their weight. Besides, I think all the weights are broken. Dat's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Anonymous: ARE YOU STILL A VIRGIN?? IF NOT..HOW MANY SEX PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD??

Vera: Anonymous, answering the question would take all the fun out of it. You can find out for yourself.

Femi B: How are you now?

Vera: This might not be a real question, but my dear, I am fine.

Danny Bagucci: if you had 3 words to describe yourself what would they be?

Vera: Only 3 words?????????? Danny, you wan kill me?! LOL. Okay, let's see: jovial, loving, and a wee bit spoilt... in spite of what I may have told Doug, but sssshhh, don't tell him. [Can I add other words like beaurriful, funny, loyal, energetic, fun, blessed, favored, nice, sweet, kind-hearted, friendly, outgoing, totally loveable..... you understand now!]

Thank you all sooooooooooooo much for your lovely questions! This has been fun. Now I can resume my regular blogging routine. Thank you to all those wished me congratulatory messages too; you guys rock! And thanks to those who sent me emails...you deserve some Verastic hugs & kisses.

P.S. To those who subscribe (or rather attempt to subscribe) to Verastically Livin' through email: after you submit your email address, you will receive a confirmation email. Please make sure you confirm the subscription. There are a buncha email addresses that are not confirmed. I guess I could email all the unconfirmed email addresses.

This is definitely my longest post. I apologize. See you on Thursday, February 5th 2009.

I Have Been Verastically Livin' For Three Years...

Yes, my blog is three years old today. My first post, Enter Vera was really a short post about nothing, and I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna do this blogging thing. I joined Blogger before Jan 26th 2006, but I started with my other blog where I put up articles. It's the blog where I'm serious - or at least try to be serious. I found out about blogging thru a friend who owned a blog (and has since stopped blogging). At the time I started Verastically Livin', I was not aware of any other blogger - especially any other Naija blogger. Cherub was the first one to leave a comment on my blog. I visited her blog, and va-va-voom, the rest is history. This post you're reading today is a scheduled post. I started composing it on Wednesday, October 1st 2008. 4:33 PM. I should be studying, but hey, I have to plan ahead. lol.

I am so happy that I started blogging. I have never met so many of you, but I feel like we are friends. I feel like we are one big not-always-happy family, and I'm really looking forward to meeting as many bloggers as possible. I have met some of you in person, and I have spoken to plenty more on the phone. Some day, I'll give each male blogger a child. Or twins, if you prefer. I don't know what I'm gonna give the female bloggers yet. I'm assuming y'll don't want to consumate our relationship that way. LOL. I'm really, really grateful to everyone - the bloggers, the anonymous commenters, the non anonymous/non blogger commenters, the readers who never comment, and of course, my wonderful friends Busola, Funmi, & Uju. Needless to say, I'm still waiting for Temite to tell me where I can buy a taser so I can taser Busola, Funmi, & Uju. They deserve it.

To commemorate this wonderful day, I will be bold and do what so many other bloggers like Bumight, Chari, & Buttercup have done and give you beautiful people the opportunity to ask me any question, and I will answer in my next post. BUT I do not promise to answer all the questions to your satisfaction. Example: Asking for my age or picture will probably not be answered properly. I shudder to think of what you will ask. In order to allow lotsa questions (hopefully), I'll let this post run for a week.

I will update this blog with the answers to your questions @ 12 AM on Monday, Feb 2nd 2009.
12 AM Eastern Time, USA
6 AM Naija Time

See you then!!

True Lies

What an oxymoron. "True Lies" is actually the name of a Naija movie (no surprises there) starring Zack Orji, Rita Dominic, and Tonto Dike.

I completely forgot I was supposed to update my blog today. And since I am too lazy to think, I will go ahead and do the tag. I have been tagged by so many people...I don't even remember. My memory is a bit fuzzy now, but I think No Limit, Qmoney, and Aloted tagged me. Like I said, my memory is fuzzy. The only person I am sure of is Doug. And that's because he just tagged me yesterday (abi the day before...?). Soooo I'm supposed to tell you two truths and a lie and you're supposed to figure it out. Well, goodluck then.

1. Vera Ezimora is not my real name.

2. I am celibate.

3. I was once a nursing student.


The rules state that I must tag six people, but I don't know who to tag. I keep feeling like I have read this on everyone else's blog except mine. Therefore, I refuse to tag any1. I feel like all the people that blog frequently have already done it.

Plus, I'm too tired to start thinking of who to tag.

Soooo go ahead and tell me what you think. I really think this is very, very easy. But then again, maybe it's easy to me because I know the answer(s). Oh, well! Deal with it :))

Against All Odds...

I know you do not know me, Sir, but I would like to personally say, Congratulations President Barack Obama.

The first time I knew of Barack Obama was when I saw him on the Oprah show, and at that time, he had not declared his intention to run for presidency. If he had, I would not even have blinked. Honestly, I would have thought, "Here goes another one....he is doomed to fail." When I heard Hilary Clinton was running, I was indifferent. I was indifferent because I wanted Obama to win, but I was pretty sure he wouldn't. I was sure that Clinton will win. Nobody wins the Clintons.

But then I heard Obama speak. His convictions bought me over. Before I could catch my breath, I became a believer. The man spoke like he had personally spoken with God (face to face) and God had said to him, "Go forth, my son, for I am with you. You are the next president of the United States." Well, in many ways, I guess God had - albeit not face to face. The bible is the way; God tells us over and over and over and over to trust Him. Why is it so hard to just trust Him? He really has never, ever failed. Obama spoke of change and hope: two things we needed and still need desperately. He was not arrogant, cocky, or proud. He was humble and hopeful. Every time I saw him react so calmly to stressful situations, I saw myself in him. I just loved - still love - everything about him.

It is evident - even to the human eye - that God is with this man. How else do you explain a black man who is a junior senator with a Kenyan first and last name, a Muslem middle name, a Kenyan father, and a history of using drugs winning the election with a large landslide over a White man who is a war hero and almost twice his age in a country where slaves were once not even allowed to vote.... and while the country is in a recession and fighting two wars??? How do you explain this? God is with him.

I commend all the people that had the nerves to come out and race to be the next president of the United States. I have never ran for any position in my life - not even the prefect of my class in elementary school. Every position I got, I got because of my grades. To come out in a country like America where the president is just a public servant who happens to have the secret service all around him and contest to be the president against other competent people (except Sarah Palin, of course), it takes real courage and bravery. So I commend all the people who contested. May God bless them. I always tell myself that I have a tough skin. I can handle criticism, but I think my criticism only goes as far as my writing. When a host of people begin to mock me and criticize my integrity on international TV and airwaves, it becomes a very hard pill to swallow. What about the fact that Obama will now become the most talked about and most photographed man in the world? WOW. I cannot even deal with my picture on my blog.

What I can do, however, is use Obama as a point of contact in my prayers. I have projects that I'm working on, and the odds are stacked incredibly high against me. I am tempted to give up and just forget it because rationality tells me that this will never work. But I didn't dream these things by myself. I am unable to conceive such thoughts all by myself. I don't have such wisdom. God put these thoughts in my heart; he showed me this vision, so if he is able to make me conceive them, then that means He is well able to help me achieve them. I could think about Joshua in the bible. He sowed during a time of famine and he reaped a million folds. But I didn't know Joshua. Obama's story seems more tangible. It happened right in front of me. To quit will be an insult to God.

If there is something you are trusting God for, you better use Obama in your prayers o. Don't worry about how impossible the task seems. With God, everything is possible. That does not mean you should jump off the cliff and hope that God will catch you oh. If you do that one, you're on your own. The vultures will feast on your body. And I, Vera will go on blogging... and living my dreams, of course

In a few hours, Barack Hussein Obama will become our 44th President. You best believe it!

January 14th Has Come & Gone...

...But the celebration continues. I am so flabberwhelmed and overgasted by all the love I received on my birthday that I have decided to extend my birthday till January 31st. Plus, some gifts are yet to arrive. So don't feel bad if you have not sent me a gift. I'm still receiving them...out of the goodness of my heart oo! :)

So what did I do on my birthday? Nothing much really. Oh, I did stay on facebook for a very, VERY long time (but I'll go into details later). In the evening, Funmi came to my house with my ice cream cake. Yummy. I took only a bite of it because she was taking me to go see a movie. Before we went to see the movie, I realized that our fridge was not working, so I had to pack everything from the fridge and the small freezer into the deep freezer. Whether the fridge was working or not, I would still have had to leave my ice cream cake in the freezer...as per ice cream being in it and everything.

Funmi took me to go see Bride Wars, a comedy. We liked it. Before we went, she said she had to stop by JCPenny. I didn't want us to stop there because we were going to miss the previews of the movie, and I love watching previews, but home girl insisted, saying JCPenny was opposite the theatre anyway, so I succumed and went with her. It was when we got into the store that she said, "We're here to get your perfume, so you might wanna hurry up." Ah, you shoulda seen me! I was like a kid in a candy store. After sniffing almost all the perfumes there, I ended up getting Insolence by Guerlain. It's not on my list, but it is sooooo sexy. Can't wait to use it. And it's even the gift set sef. Yippy! If you are about to ask me the point of wearing a sexy perfume since I don't have a man, then lemme tell you to shut up in advance. lol.

After the movie, Funmi took me to Cold Stone. They make the baddest ice cream ever. Don't remember the name of the flavor we got, but it was heavenly. I thought we had died and gone to ice cream heaven. The funny thing is that it was freezing that night and as we were eating the ice cream, we were shivering. Yet we persisted. True Nigerians! lol. Then we came back to my place...... okay, this story is starting to sound really weird. Let me clarify that Funmi is a girl and we are not romantically involved. LOL. Busola couldn't come because she just gave birth and she's doing that silly thing where you don't leave the house for 40 days. Psshhhtttt! Whatever. When I born my pikins, the only thing that will stop me from leaving the house is lack of strength...and heat. I don't do heat.

From Tuesday the 13th, I began to receive phone calls, texts, emails, and facebook wall notes. Last year, I never got to thank people for writing on my facebook wall, so this year, I was determined to change that. I embarked on a journey of individually replying everyone's facebook wall note. I am still not done. I'm proud of myself for doing it, but I will not attempt this again. I was beginning to steam from both ears. So many emails have not been responded to; they have not even been read, but be rest assured that I will get to them all. I must finish what I started.

Facebook wall posts were 321. My responses were over 300. I tried to count the responses, but I got confused toward the end and I quit. I don't know how many calls, texts, and emails I received, but it was really, really nice speaking to bloggers and non bloggers alike. An anonymous person left a comment on my previous post and threatened to post my picture. The said anonymous person later called me. She really does have my picture, but we have never met. We have resolved the issue: I will attend a party she's throwing. LOL. If I have not replied your email, I'm sorry. I'll get to it. I think I replied all the texts. If I did not reply yours, please let me know oo.

Someone very, very nice sent me a perfume all the way from Georgia. No2 De Makari. It's not on my list, but I'm loving it. I'm starting to think I should stop this list thing seeing as I love the gifts that are not even on the list. My mother gave me a giftcard from Macy's. Does anyone else hear a perfume in Macy's calling my name? I need to make some calls to remind (more like harass) a few people for my gift. I don't play!

Oh, by the way...you will not believe what happened to the cake Funmi got me. I didn't eat it on my birthday because I had already eaten ice cream from Cold Stone. On Thursday, I was speeding back from church, mouth watering to come eat my cake, but alas.... it had melted. Yes, melted!! Remember I told you the fridge wasn't working, so I moved everything into the freezer? Well, the technicians came and fixed the fridge while I was away, so mom moved everything - including my ice cream cake that was supposed to remain in the freezer - into the fridge. But then she thought about it, "Why don't I leave this cake on the counter instead? That way, it will defrost faster and Vera will be able to eat it when she gets back. I bet she'll be happy!" Well, happy, I was NOT! Three-quarter of my cake melted away. My mother said she was shocked when she came out of her bedroom hours later and found a pool of cake on the floor.

I could not cry. All I have been telling myself is, "Well, I could always go back to Cold Stone..."

On The 14th Day Of January....

....The doctor said to my mom, "Push!" Actually, this isn't true for two reasons:

i. Mom had me thru C-Section. They never told her to push me out because when she had my older brother three years before me, she also had him thru C-Section. In Russia, once you have a child through C-Section, all the children that follow thereafter must also be had through C-Section - whether you can push or not. That was the law then. It mighta changed now.

ii. I was born in Russia....where they speak Russian. Even if the doctor had told her to push, he/she would have said "Push" in Russian. I'm sure the Russians have a word for that in their language. Heck if I know.

So before you go judging me, it wasn't my fault that I was born thru C-Section. It obviously wasn't because my head was too big to pass thru the birth canal. I was never given the chance to. What can I say? Right from birth, there were certain parts of the female anatomy I did not want to have ultra-close contact with - unless they belonged to me.

Soooo it's my birthday today! Woulda written a long post thanking God for His grace and goodness in my life, but I decided to tell Him privately. Every couple needs their privacy, you know? Yes, I'm insinuating that God is my Man. Anyway, in case you're wondering, I have no plans for today - other than being pampered by anyone and everyone - including God....and you, of course.

Sooooo......

*** Call if you wanna. If I don't pick up, call again. I'll like to talk to you.
*** Text if you wanna.... I'll reply for sure.
*** E-mail if you wanna... I'll reply that too.

But most importantly, put my gift in the mail, or else, I will show you my true colors. No try me ooo! Boy, I cannot wait to eat my birthday cake which Funmi will be buying me. It is tradition that she buys me cake. I think I need to call her and ask her to add ice cream to the list. Cake & ice cream.... yummy!!!

See you on Saturday, Jan 17th. Wish I could say I would return on Saturday as a different person (as per since I'm now a year older), but the koko of the matter is that I will continue to be as mischievous as I've always been. If the chance presents itself, I would definitely drug Funmi's milk with Busola's breast milk again. And if I meet Wes/Lee/Gbenga, I shall oblige him and then blog about it. Why shall I shy??? After all, I'm officially XX years old now. What else do people my age do?? I dunno. I have 365 days to explore. Stay tuned.

Three More Days...!!!

I know you did not think I was done talking about my birthday. Heck no!!! Today is the 11th. I have three more days before I officially turn plus one. Yay!! So let the gifts begin to arrive!! I'm only reminding you because I care about you oh. I don't want you to have to do rush delivery. But in the event that your gift cannot get to me before the 14th, please do not despair. I receive late gifts @ no extra nagging to you. Yes, I know I'm sweet. You don't have 2 say it.

The 14th of January is the most important day of the year. The earth will stand still. The moon and the sun will come out together and struggle for sky space, but none will win. The stars instead will shine from dusk till dawn, and they will hang down from the sky like chandeliers. As if I were standing under a mistletoe, I will receive a kiss every time I stand under a star. I guess I should expect a gazillion kisses that day. Baba God will grant me all my heart desires. It will be the beginning of a new life for me - my XXth year on earth. If you're wondering who I will be kissing under the stars, my answer is God will provide!

I do not have much to say today. I would only like to repost (for the benefit of those who have not read it and those who have forgotten or claim to have forgotten) my birthday wish list. And my address, of course. If you are torn between two gifts or more and cannot decide which one to get me, please get them all. That's the only logical thing to do. I'm only suggesting this for your own good - of course.

1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).

2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)

3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)

4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).

6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)

8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome

9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. A gift card from DSW. (I'm craving shoes.)

18. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

I know what you're thinking: goodness, Vera, you're so cheap. Is that all you want??? Whatever happened to aiming high for bigger, better, bolder things....like a newly built, fully furnished house in an upscale neighborhood? Well, what can I say? I'm so modest.

Oh, before I forget, here's the mailing address which I'm sure you're all just itching you have:

Vera Ezimora
P. O. BOX 7893
ESSEX, MD 21221
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

See you on Wednesday - my birthday. Yay!!!

Mr. Multiple Personality

He now wants to be called Gbenga. No longer Wes. Not Lee. Not even Wesley. But Gbenga. On a side note: the illness, multiple personality disorder is no longer called multiple personality disorder. It's now called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Moving along...

Remember the guy who asked Funmi out and said his name was Wes and then asked me out and said his name was Lee??? I told you that technically he did not lie anyway because Wes & Lee are both forms of Wesley, but it was just weird the way it happened. Anyway...

I ran into him again. Let me explain something very well. The boy first asked Funmi out some years ago. Funmi does not remember what name he gave her then. Then he asked me out in April of 2008 and told me his name was Lee. About two months ago, he asked Funmi out again and reintroduced himself as Wes. Recently (as in December of 2008), he asked me out - again. But this time, his name was not Wes. Or Lee. It wasn't even Weslee sef. LOL. It was Gbenga. Imagine my amusement. When he told me his name, I had to ask him again because I thought I had heard wrong, but lo and behold, I did not hear wrong.

I think this guy is suffering from a few diseases: Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder), early stages of Alzheimers, and maybe even some Developmental Challenge. I'll explain. He has Multiple Personality Disorder because I do not understand how and/or why one person alone will go by three different names. And these are the names that I know of oo! For all we know, he might have some more out there. He has Alzheimers because he did not even remember that he had asked me out in April (I'll explain in my next parapgraph). He also has some developmental challenge because that is the only plausible reason why a grown man like him will come and ask me out after literally gawking at me and Funmi hugging each other and talking. He just asked Funmi out two months ago. What nonsense! He evidently knew we were friends. People do not randomly hug each other.

So how do I know he did not remember me?? Well, let's see. He asked my name again. He introduced himself again (albeit as a different person). He asked me out the same away. Honestly, he said the exact same things he said to me in April. I could not erase the smile that was plastered on my face as he spoke; the whole thing was just too funny. It was deja vu. I know that guys sometimes recycle lines, but please do not recycle to the same person. The only thing that is worse that recyling a line is recycling it to the same person.......and not knowing it. Ouch. Poor Funmi. She's the one who thought he was cute. lol.

All I could think about while he spoke was, "This is good blog material!! I am sooo blogging about this..." I'm very sure I will run into Mr. Multiple Personality again, but I cannot tell you which one of him I will run into. Wes? Lee? Gbenga? Or a totally new person? I don't know, my people. The most that I can do right now is wait.

Introducing Exhibit A

Before I go on, let me tell you what I named Busola's baby. I named him Chidi, so henceforth, you can expect regular posts on Chidi. When a Yoruba person hears his name is Chidi, the response is usually, "Ah, omo Igbo ke???" LOL. It's been quite interesting to say the least. Busola and her hubby gave him other names which I do not care to mention because this is my blog darn it! Busola can go and open her own blog and tell every1 his Yoruba name. On Verastically Livin,' he shall be known as Chidi. Full Stop!!

On Thursday night, Busola said she needed her "stupid friends" to come and spend the night in her house the next day (Friday) and help her sort some baby clothes and all that stuff. In spite of the insult, Funmi and I gladly went. We really need to get some self respect. LOL. I got there before seven thirty PM; Funmi got there before midnight. She's always late. She was late too when God was distributing booties - hence Funmi's flat backside.

Anyway, taking care of Chidi was not easy ooo!! He woke up every hour for food and pooped every time I fed him. Busola left him for me and Funmi and went to bed, so I was the one waking up to take care of him because her royal highness, Funmi was snoozing. Twas a humbling experience. Made me wonder what life will be like when I have my confusingly identical twin boys. Well, I still want them all the same. No amount of poop cleaning will stop me from desiring them. Moving along...

Have you heard that if an adult drinks breast milk, it will make him retarded? Actually, it's not nice or right to say 'retarded.' The term is developmentally challenged. Curious about the veracity of this possible myth, I had to find out. You know how I love experimenting now! So what did I do??? Oh, it was quite simple actually. The genius in me just came up with a bright idea.

Her royal highness, Funmi was sipping on a glass of milk.....from a wine glass oo! Dunno what she was feeling like. She had to go into the bedroom to do some stuff, so she left her glass of milk on the table. Sitting on the table also was Chidi's feeding bottle. It had breast milk in it, so I thought..... hmmmmmmmmm why not pour some of this breast milk into Funmi's milk???? Hehehehehe. So of course I did! Funmi came out of the room and drank her milk. I had to hold myself from laughing. The funny thing is that she suspected I did it; just goes to show how predictable I am becoming. I need to change my strategies. Operation Make-An-Adult-Drink-Breast-Milk is complete!!

Now I'm watching Funmi for any adverse effects of drinking Busola's milk. The girl already acts developmentaly challenged, so it's hard to tell if her current actions have anything to do with the milk or if she's just being her regular self. I think I have to increase the dose. What do you think?

Oh, by the way, I tasted a drop of the milk too. My dose is nothing compared to Funmi's though. And no, I have not become developmentally challenged.

All Things Are New...

2 Cor 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Lovely readers of Verastically Livin,' please excuse me while I get a lil serious. Yes, I know you're not quite used to this. But contrary to popular belief, Vera can be serious oooo.... ehen. This is a scheduled post. At the time it appears on my blog, I'll be in church, worshipping. What better way to bring in the New Year? Below is my public letter to God. Since everyone is on the internet these days; I figured God must be browsing Verastic.com every now & then, ey? [Yes, I'm still being serious].

*************** Clearing Throat*******************

Dear God,

2008 was something else. Honestly, I still do not know if I should call this a good or a bad year. Most times, it feels lukewarm. The highlight was the day I rededicated my life back to You. I can honestly say that life has not been the same since then. Unfortunately, since my rededication, I have done some things, said some things, and thought some things - all of which I should not have. But I have sought Your face after every fall. And I have hoped and believed that You have forgiven me.

I am sorry, Lord for everything I ever did to hurt Your feelings - and boy, do I have a long list of that. In retrospect, I realize just how very foolish I was. If I could, I would go back in time and undo so many things. Unsay so many words. And unthink so many thoughts. But I cannot. Honestly, what hurts most is the things that I have done. All those times I thought I was smart and grown, I realize now that I was foolish...and a mere baby before You.

I have been waiting anxiously - almost impatiently - for 2008 to end because the thought of it brings so much pain and sadness to my heart. You know these things, Lord. But I am hopeful that 2009 will be better. Ironically, the blessings and prayers I received in 2008 are the reasons I believe that 2009 will be better.

I am grateful for everything You did for me in 2008. For every time You were there to wipe my tears, console me, keep me company, guard me, guide me, listen to me, and even laugh with me, I am grateful. For every time You made a way for me and turned my mountain into an invisible pebble, I am grateful. I am grateful for the births (especially that of Busola's baby, Chidi and my cousin in Nigeria whose name I shamefully do not know), and even though I do not understand why I should be, I am also grateful for the deaths too.

I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful that You preserved me. I know that not everyone I started the year with is here today, but You oh God, have preserved me. And I have done nothing to deserve this. I am grateful for the life of the man that I am so in love with - my father. You cleansed him of that liver malfunction, God. When I asked him what would happen if it was not taken care of and he answered - like a true doctor - precisely, concisely, and a little too bluntly, "Ultimately, death," I thought my life was over. But my dad promised he was not going to die; he said he would live for me. I cried to You, and You, oh God restored his life. [Note to Funmi & Busola: Sorry I did not tell you about my dad's condition. It was just too much to talk about.]

I am grateful for my mom's life. Sometimes, I think of all she has gone thru on my behalf and I cannot help but break down and cry. I only hope to one day be able to spoil her the way I know she'd love to be spoilt: by giving her a few grand-children and then sending them all on vacation to Russia, so that I and my hubby can have some free time to frolic in the sun and possibly make some new babies. [Yes, I'm still being serious]. She is the best mother a girl could have ever prayed for. I trust You, Lord. I trust You to give me the opportunity to make her smile a smile that her face cannot contain.

So for 2009, oh God, I take all my troubles and I hand them over to You. Everything that has been troubling me, I hand them to You because I am powerless. My worrying can only get me so far; it has gotten me as far as it can, and it has not gotten me anywhere. By the end of 2009, I will be back here to give the testimony. You know the one, Lord. I thank You in advance for the message I will receive today. I thank You for the blessings, for the favors, and for the new beginning. I thank You in advance for helping me to publish my book in 2009. I thank You in advance for everything. I just thank You, Father. In retrospect, 2008 was a good year. But 2009 will be better. It will be great. Say Amen for me.


Happy New Year everyone!!! May 2009 bring you all of your heart's desires according to God's will. Amen. I'll be back on Sunday, January 4th 2009.

Unto Us A Child Is Born

I was gonna title this post, "He betrayed me," because that was how I felt on Monday, but I guess I'm over it now - kinda sorta. I promised I had good news for you, so here goes: Busola has had her baby. She gave birth on Monday, December 22nd 2008 at 1:09 PM. The baby weighed 5.12 lbs. Alright, I'll rewind.

I know, I know, I know. I never told anyone that she was pregnant, right? Yes, that's because she made me promise I will not run my mouth on my blog, so you see, I had to keep it a secret. Remember when I said I met some beautiful bloggers?? Well, I met them at the surprise baby shower we had for Busola [which I invited them to]. I could not blog about the shower either because that would have meant disclosing her very pregnant state. But now that she has offloaded, I am free to run my mouth. No, I cannot disclose the name of the baby yet. His naming ceremony will be held tomorrow.

So why did I feel betrayed? Well, let's see. The baby was due to be born on January 19th 2009. I and the baby talked about his supposed due date several times, and we had an agreement - or at least I thought we did. I told him to get born on January 14th - my birthday. He nodded - kicked rather, and I interpreted that to be a handshake. I thought we had agreed! When you shake hands (or kick a foot) on a deal, you do not go back on your words, darn it!!

When Busola called me at almost 2:30 in the morning on Monday to tell me her water had broken, I was devastated. All my dreams of sharing the same birthday with my new boyfriend were shattered. Shattered, I tell you! Busola was not making it easier either. I pleaded with her to shut her legs and hold the delivery off till the 14th of January (I mean, it's not that far), but she refused. The girl refused! After all I have done for her, she could not do this one little thing for me. Now I know who my real friends are - NOT!

Anywayz.... I got over my anger. Why? I witnessed the birth of my new boyfriend. Yes, yours truly witnessed him being born. It was beautiful. Busola was crying. Her husband was crying. Her mother-in-law was crying. But I didn't shed a tear. Alright, who am I kidding? I probably started crying before everyone else. I could not help it. He was so little. And so perfect. I have never seen anyone so beautiful. I should mention that Funmi missed the entire delivery. Why? She was.... *D.R.U.M.R.O.L.L* .... sleeping!!! Yes, sleeping. We called and called, but home girl did not pick up. I had to call her brother's phone. To make matters worse, she couldn't go see the baby after he was born because she was suffering from strep throat and flu. Nnyama. Yuck!

On the day of his birth, I took more than 250 pictures. And no, they're not available yet. Too many pictures to go through and sort out. Remember I have to filter my own pictures out. LOL. I will upload them later. I am so proud of Busola; she did so well. The babe is strong. And beautiful. She's beautiful inside and outside, and I am so, so, so blessed to have her in my life. I'm wondering if I should erase the preceding words because she will call me and say, "Vera, I know you want me." Really, I don't. *hiss*

Soooo after watching Busola give birth, I have learnt a few lessons for my future children. They are outlined below. Maybe you could adopt some of them too.

1. Epidural helps a whole lot! But I will not wait till I am in labor to take my epidural. If my period ventures to be late, that is it ooo! Epidural all the way. Sure, I might be completely paralyzed by the time of delivery, but hey, at least I won't be in pain.

2. Prenatal pills make women glow. I'm not even gonna wait till I get pregnant. From tomorrow, I will start downing prenatal pills. I wanna start now to have that pregnancy glow, so that when I become pregnant, I will glow even more. Of course, it will grow my hair too. Speaking of hair, I hope it's only the one on my head ooo!

3. When you're pregnant, people are nice to you. As soon as I get pregnant, I will begin to crave anything and everything - including but not limited to perfumes, shoes, range rovers, Nokias, Black Berries, money, jewelry....etc. You know now...the regular stuff that pregnant women crave.

4. Since child birth is so painful, I will give birth in rapid succession. While I'm pregnant with child #1, I will have plenty of unprotected sex with hubby, so that he can get me pregnant...while I'm already pregnant. That way, as soon as I give birth to child #1, I will come back to the hospital in about 4 months time to give birth to child #2, and then in another 3 months to give birth to child #3. Before you know it, I would have popped out all my five children (including my set of confusingly identical twin boys).

5. When you're in labor, people will do anything and everything to make you feel better. I will shut my legs and demand a ransom for the release of the baby. Sure, you may call it fetusnapping, but do I care?? Nope! The ransom will not be anything that is too difficult to get. All I would demand is that Obama come into my bedroom, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, rub my tummy and tell me that I'm doing good. That is all I will demand. Now is that too much??? Do I hear a resounding, "No!!!"

Shikena. I'm a very simple babe. It's really not difficult to please me. Like I said, I apologize for not having pictures of the baby's birth, but for now, please enjoy the pictures of the baby shower. And no, there are no bloggers in the pictures. They can show you their pictures themselves. Click HERE to view the pictures. So please join us in thanking God oh for this favor. We are truly blessed. My dear sister, Busola is favored in eyes of God.

This is my last post for 2008. See you in 2009 - January 1st 2009. 12:01 AM baby!!! I no go disappoint una na...

Feliz Navidad!!!

***Vera singing***


"I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas/ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my ha-art! Feliz navidad...."


While some of you might think that Christmas is just for celebrating the birth of Christ and his glorious entry into this sinful world of ours, there is actually something else that ought to be celebrated today: the upcoming of another EXTRA SPECIAL DAY - JANUARY 14TH!!!


So what happens on January 14th, you ask? If you have to ask, then you deserve 24 lashes of koboko. But because today is Christmas, there shall be no whipping. January 14th is the day that yours truly, (Yes, the Verastic Vera) turns plus one. You see, I wasn't gonna come into this sinful world, but I thought, "If Jesus could do it, then why not me?"


So on one fateful night, thirty-eight weeks before Jan 14th 19XX, I was conceived. I know it was night because back then, they only used to have sex at night. I was placed in my mommy's womb, and since then, she has been the proudest woman alive. Why not, if not? I am everything she longed for and more, if I do say so myself. Certain events occured while mommy was pregnant with me - like the day she was getting off the bus in London (or was it Russia?) and the bus driver moved before mom had completely stepped off, so mom went tumbling down - with me inside her! Mom and dad have always used that event as an explanation for why I turned out the way I have - whatever that means. I will take that as a compliment.


There is also the fact that I began to drink alcohol when I was a baby. It's a miracle I don't care for alcohol now. Yes, apparently, whenever I cried too much and dad couldn't take it anymore, he put a few drops of alcohol in my mouth. That often sent me to sleep. He still hasn't apologized for that. I wonder if it's too late to sue him for child abuse. But I digress...


On this wonderful Christmas day, you ought to be thinking about what you will give the Verastic Vera for her birthday. Being the selfless, kind-hearted person that I am, I have compiled a list for you - complete with a mailing address! Please, pick any gift from the list below and send it to me. P. O. BOX 7893. Essex, MD 21221. United States of America.


1. Husband (If you know where he is, please send him to my P. O. BOX asap so we can go and get married. I have already found my wedding gown and the hall we'll be getting married in. I've even picked the aso-ebi lace, and Funmi and Busola have prepared their speech. Oh, I've even found my ring; he just needs to pay for it).


2. Nikon D90 (The first DSLR camera that has movie functionality!! Been stalking it on Best Buy ever since. If I get this camera....I'm gonna be....I don't even know what I'm gonna be. Dear God, please touch ye the hearts of my readers!!)


3. The new BlackBerry Bold. (Ever since I spotted this phone, I have not been able to stop picturing myself using it. Honestly, I'll look so good using it. It fits my bold personality.)


4. Wii Game (Ever since I played this game @ a friend's house, I have not been able to stop thinking about it).

5. This bag from Macy's. (I love this bag from Macy's; dunno why, but I do. Think it would look better in black).


6. Perfume: Pour Femme by Bvlgari (Haven't been able to get my mind off it).

7. Perfume: Romance by Ralph Lauren (Been loving it since my Naija days)


8. Perfume: Miracle Forever by Lancome


9. Perfume: Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker

10.Perfume: Nina by Nina Ricci

11. Perfume: Vera Wang by Vera Wang

12. Perfume: Guess by Marciano

13. Perfume: Rock n Rose by Valentino

14. Perfume: Diamonds by Emperio Armani

15. Perfume: Gucci by Gucci

16. Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang

17. Alright fine, whatever you wanna send... (in addition to any of the ones listed above...hehehe.)

My dear people, though my birthday isn't till next month, I have currently started accepting gifts due to the rush. For your sake (I know you wouldn't want your gift(s) to be late), I advice that you send your gifts ASAP....in order to avoid the rush, of course.

***Merry Christmas!!!*** I'll see you on the 28th of Dec 2008. I have some good news. But meanwhile, please enjoy my new note: Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender

So It's My Fault???

I found two out of my closest friends in Naija on Facebook the other day. Imagine my pleasant surprise. One of them was my best friend [in Naija] and she got married in August. The other one was also really, really close to me, and she got married before my best friend. Anyway, they're now both married. This wasn't news to me since we talk on the phone quite often. Although not as often as we used to when I was in Naija, of course. Time and distance has put a damper on our relationship.


Anyway, they're both married now, and one that got married first now has a child. I was looking at her pictures on Facebook (kai, thank God for Facebook ooo). I saw pictures of her while she was pregnant and pictures of her with her child. It was so weird looking at this chic and her baby. Silly me. All I could think was "I guess she's no longer a virgin." LOL. Hey, don't blame me. I grew up with this gal! Three of us practically grew up together. We went to the same elementary and high school. We grew breasts together and experienced our menarche (first period) together.


Actually, they grew breasts together and experienced their menarche together. I was a late bloomer on all counts. I don't wanna start thinking about those days that everyone but me had breasts. Oh, the tears I shed! But hey, if they could see me now... hehehehehe *I laugh in Russian* It was traumatizing oh, but don't let me bore you with my tales of former breastlessness.


As I was saying before I digressed, I was looking at my friends' pictures on Facebook. I decided to show my mother the pictures to see if she recognized them. My mother and her blunt sef....you won't believe what she had to say to me.


Mom: *twisting her mouth Naija style* Your friends, aren't they your age or younger?


Me: *wondering what her point was* Rita (the one with the baby) is my age, but Linda is a year younger than me. Why?


Mom: Your friends that you started out with are married and having children and you you're here. What are you doing?


Me: *astonished* You're joking, right?! Mom, please! How can I get a husband when you don't want to let me out of your sight? [Yes, that is my reason. No, not an excuse, but a REASON]. If I say I'm going to see a movie, you'll squeeze your face, so how do you expect me to find a husband under such duress? [Yes, I call it duress]


Mom: You don't go to places where you can find a husband. You go to Funmi's and Busola's house.


Okay, I had to laugh out loud. Darn it. Why does she always have to be right??? Come to think of it, I barely go anywhere else and just like Mama Vera said, man no dey for Funmi & Busola house ooo. I have been going to their house for years, and I am yet to meet one eligible bachelor there. I don't think eligible bachelors live on their street. In fact, I don't think eligible bachelors live in their zip code sef.


So strategize, I must. Find new friends, I must too. Funmi and Busola are not doing me any good. As soon as I collect my Christmas and birthday gifts, I will ditch them for some new friends. I cannot be friends with people who cannot hook me up with eligible bachelors. *hiss* Wetin sef? Anyway speaking of my birthday, I hope y'll are preparing?? It's Jan 14th, baby!


And uhm, feel free to read up on my former breastlessness HERE

What Would Happen?

....If I were to swallow one pill of Extenze for a week or two??

The other day, I was doing my assignment late @ night. I had to stay up late to do it because I had procastinated for so long and finally, I was doing it at the eleventh hour. Why do today what you can do tomorrow, right? Oh, well. But I digress. I was in my bedroom, minding my own laptop when I had to go pee. On my way back, I could not help but glance at the TV when I realized that Ocean's Eleven (a movie I've watched several times but still love watching) was playing. I decided to stay in the living room and do my assignment. That wasn't a very smart move, seeing as I finished my assignment at six in the morning. But anyway...

Like I said, it was late @ night - at about one or two in the morning. I must have seen at least three commercials of Extenze during the course of the movie. Extenze is a medication that is made for men to help extend their member. It enhances their "desire, pleasure, and performance." The makers of Extenze are apparently so confident in their work that they are willing to send a free bottle! All the man has to do is pay shipping and handling.

But being as Verastic as I am, I could not help but muster up some thoughts of my own: what would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??? Would certain body parts get bigger too? Would she suddenly grow hair in places she never knew she could grow hair on (like the sole of her feet and maybe her tongue)? Would her voice become deeper? Or wait, would she then begin to grow said member??? Questions, questions, questions. But who will answer them?

I've got an idea!! How about some ladies volunteer themselves for this experiment? Look @ it as your own contribution to science. Or don't you want your children to know more? We'll divide the group of women into two: half of them will take the actual medication, but the other half (unbeknownst to them) will take the placebo. My team of highly professional professionals will monitor them closely for adverse effects. I would have loved to take part in this sure-to-win-a-pulitzer-award research, but as the experimenter, it will be unwise - not to mention, unsafe - for me to take part in it. That will be considered going native. Besides, I want to do a purely observational research. So who's in? Don't make me start picking people myself!!!

For the guys, I'm sure you feel left out, and I'm sorry, but don't worry, I'll think of something for you. Ever wondered what it'd be like to wear a tampon?? No?? What about taking a birth control pill? Well, sit back and relax, I'll think of something really good for you guys. You're too good and too fine to be left out of history. In the meantime in between time, feel free to donate any of the following people to the cause of this scientific research: girlfriend(s), wife(ves), mother, grandmother(s), great grandmother(s), mother in-law, sister(s) in-law, ex-wife(ves), ex-fiancee(s), sister(s), ex-girlfriend(s), fiancee(s), female friend(s), female enemy(ies), female coworker(s), female boss(es), etc. Any female in fact!

P.S. My current status on Facebook says, 'Vera is wondering what will happen if a woman takes Extenze - the medication that extends a man's uhm...member." The responses (over 40 between Monday evening and Tuesday morning) have been hilarious to say the least! Goodness, humor is such a beautiful thing. If you're my friend on Facebook and you're bored, feel free to read up on them...and add your own 2 cents. Or you could add me as your friend.

So back to my question: what do you think would happen if a woman were to take Extenze??

The Milky One

I have always loved milk. For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of tasty milk. Please note that I said 'tasty.' That means I was not a fan of soy milk or whatever other questionable milk they sold and still sell in stores.


I don't know what tasted better between fura de nono and peak milk. I know which one my mother was not in favor of: fura de nono. She gave me a list of diseases that I was sure to suffer if I kept on drinking fura de nono, but as a true daughter of my father (the man who sucked his own mother's breast until she died...@ about age 70), I could not be warned. As far as I was concerned, mom could have as well been talking to a rock because nothing she said could keep me away from my fura de nono!


Now that I am in the US of A, there is obviously no way for me to get fura de nono - unless I suck directly from a heifer. I love milk oh, but not enough to call a heifer my mother and suck its breast. Tufia kwa! That is an abominable act. Instead, I have channeled all my frustration to the next best thing: peak milk.

In case you're wondering why I think peak milk is the best, well, it's because it was, and still is - in my opinion anyway. The other milks like Nido, Coast, and especially Cowbell were no match for Peak. Speaking of cowbell, I suddenly remember my broke days in high school when the N10 satchet of cowbell milk was a gift of love to me. But I digress...

Back to the peak milk. I used to love all forms of peak milk when I was in Naija - powdered, evaporated, and condensed. I still love all forms, but I mostly use the powdered one. I am a cereal junkie, so sometimes, I have cereal (cold cereal, oat meal, etc... and let's not forget garri coz it counts as cereal too) for dinner. Of course, you know I love custard. I'm sure you remember my love affair with it. No matter what I choose to have, I obviously have to adorn it with peak milk...or else, it just isn't the same.


Therein lies the problem! When I wake up in the morning, I look like I'm six months pregnant, and I know it's an unnatural stomach. My stomach is not flat but I gauge it at night before going to bed. Then throughout the day, I release silent killers aka tear gas aka gases of mass destruction, better known as stinky farts everywhere I go. This isn't rocket science. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the culprit behind my plight: peak milk!


Sometimes, the farting occurs at night. Those are the worst. Oh, the horror! Sometimes, they're so loud and have so much base that I jump up from bed and shout, 'Jesus!' or 'Blood of Jesus!' But after I get a whiff of the not-so-pleasant smell, I realize that the only thing I have to fear is well - myself. When one starts getting woken up by the thunderous sound of his or her own fart, then nsobu di kwa (there is trouble o).


So how do I fix this apparent lactose intolerance? I am not ready to give up peak milk o. And neither am I willing to attend a 12-step program called Peak Milk Addicts Anonymous. But I have to fix this. What will happen when I get married? I don't want my husband going to bed in the night with a flat tummy and waking up with a tummy that has risen like agege bread because he has inhaled all my you-know-what. Something tells me my in-laws will not appreciate it either. But then again, I guess he'll like the smell. It should be part of him since we'll be one, right?


Oh, God. I cannot wait for this husband of mine. There is soooooooooo much we have to explore! So many experiments to perform. So many questions to ask...and answer.

First question: what happens to hubby's tummy in the morning if he spends all night inhaling wifey's gaseous waste?


p.s. I already drink Lactaid, but I can only use it for cold cereal (excluding garri).

Priceless! - Episode 2

Meeting a man without having to join some singles' network: + $300

Having said man ask you for your number: + $100

Realizing he has a good job and mentally calculating your future good life (come on, we all do it!): + $ 100, 000

Realizing he's a mighty good dancer: + $300 (You don't have to pay for dance classes)

Finding him kinda, sorta cute: + $1000 (you won't be ashamed to show up with him in public)

Realizing he @ least attends church: + $500 (you won't have to buy books to explain to him why church is imperative. And hopefully, he comprehends spirituality and being born again; if not, there are ways to change that....including but not limited to twisting of the arms, pulling of both ears, pinching of both nipples, sexual starvation, kicking of the groin, slapping of the cheeks, pointing of a gun to his head, violent smacking of his butt cheeks, etc....you get my drift. He'll come to Jesus after one or all of these).




Finding out he asked You and Your Friend out....and gave you both different names: PRICELESS

There are some things in life that money can't buy. For everything else, there is Mastercard....to pay for the private investigators who will investigate our toasters....and reveal a few things...like the probability of them asking our friends out!


FYI: Funmi is the one I'm talking about here. Sadly, I'm the other friend. Cruel, cruel world. lol. Please send all your condolences to Funmi; she's the one who thought he was cute .... and a good dancer ... and all that ish.

But in his defense, he didn't lie about his name. Let's say his name is Wesley. He told Funmi his name is 'Wes' and he told me his name is 'Lee.' So technically, he didn't lie. And he asked Funmi out first. So Funmi is the iyale and I'm the iyawo. Sebi that means I'm the hotter one?? Obviously, Funmi musta been doing something wrong. That's my story and I'm sticking 2 it!


Read Episode 1 of my priceless series HERE

This Tropical Rain Forest Sha

I have been kinda busy lately. It's not been easy updating my blog, but I have tried to stay on top of things. I have not even had the time to blog-patrol as usual, and I apologize. Don't take my absence on your blog as anything personal. Time has just not really been on my side. When has it ever been? That being said, I hate to admit this sad, painful truth: I have let myself go! Now brace yourself as I intend to get very Verastic.

So on wednesday, I took my clothes off in front of my dresser. I was standing there completely nude when I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, ah...I thought I already took off my underwear." It took another glimpse for me to realize that what I thought was an underwear was not an underwear, but rather my pubic hair. Oturugbeke! When did it become this bad?????

I know I have been busy, but my goodness!! It's a black tropical rain forest down there. I don't know why I have so much hair; it's not like I'm planning on growing my own weave or something, so what the heck is going on? It is a wonder that my sponge has not gotten tangled yet. This is really mind-boggling. When did all this hair grow? It's really weird for me because I actually groom frequently, and besides, I'm not even a hairy person, so it takes a long time for my hair to grow. The fact that I have so much hair there makes me feel like I have not groomed in months. Oh, goodness... has it really been months???

If I had a husband, this would be the time he would have asked in a serious, matter-of-fact tone, "Vera, are you trying to grow dada (dread locks) down there?" But alas, there is no husband, so I must witness this abomination alone. Of course, I have gotten rid of the tropical rain forest. I am now so fresh and so clean. Luckily for me, I did not need the services of a professional lawn mower, neither did I need a bull dozer to get rid of the fallen trees (strands of hair).

Oh, and by the way, I took a picture of the tropical rain forest and sent it to Busola & Funmi for their viewing pleasure. Hehehehe. The last time I sent such a ridiculous picture, it was a picture of my poop, and I sent it because it (the poop) was unusually long. Busola happened to open the picture while she was eating. Let's just say she has since banned me from sending picture messages to her phone. lol. But did that stop me? Nope?? Although, I'm now kinda wishing I didn't....

My people, please help me beg Busola ooo! She is threatening to show her husband a picture of my pubis. Busola, stop it oooo! And she's saying she'll take the picture to work to show everyone. They already think I'm crazy @ her job because she keeps telling them ridiculous stories of me. Busola, I'm sorry!!! Biko, don't do this thing you're threatening to do oh; it will ruin my reputation. And Funmi is in support of this evil. Sooooo not funny!!! Busola said I should have thought about my reputation b4 sending the picture. Kai... how I go take do damage control?

Not A Real Update, I Know...

First of all, I would like 2 apologize 2 the crew for not being able to put up my 'I Believe In God' post. I have been really busy and even more tired. This blog was supposed to have been updated since Sunday, November 30th, but because of how tired I've been....well, you know the rest.

Also, I'd like 2 publicly apologize to Geisha.Song for not having sent in my record-breaking, eardrum-blasting, platinum-winning single (aka my Christmas carol). I hope it's not too late. I'd still wanna shock people with the horror of my singing. I tell you, you'll be so shocked @ how badly a person can suck @ singing. But I console myself with the fact that I'm not as bad as the rest (Busola, Funmi, & Uju).

Lastly, I'd like to tell you all that I had a fabulous weekend. I met three ridiculously goodlooking bloggers: one thing is for sure....we have to do this again! Dave & Busters, anyone???

Now, excuse me while I straighten a few things out. I'll be right back.

What Shall We Do Today?

***Vera singing...***

Today ohhh, I'll lift up my voice in praise. For I know, You are always there for me. Almighty God, You are my all and all. No matter what they say, when trouble comes my way, I will praise Your name......


Happy Thanksgiving y'll!!! I was gonna title this post, What Are You Thankful For? But then I figured it might be too....errrrr..... expected/regular??? So I fugured, why not start out by singing??

If I were to tell you that I am exactly where I thought I would be @ this point in my life, I would be lying to you. There are lots of things I thought I would have accomplished by now that I am yet to accomplish. There are milestones I swore I would meet by now, but they remain to be done. I thought I would have published my book by now, but obviously, that has not happened. I thought I would at least be in a serious relationship by now, but that isn't happening either.

I know I often blog about the ridiculous men I meet, but those are not the only ones I meet. I don't bother blogging about the ones that seem like potentials...... until the bottom falls out and I realize hell would have to freeze over before I date them. Let's face it: relationships are difficult. For this reason, I intend to make it a little less difficult for myself by first dating the right person. In my XX years on earth, I have learnt a few things: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a damn duck. Soooo when a man begins to have questionable behavior, I flee.

So on this 27th day of November 2008, I am thankful to God for numerous things

1. I am thankful, first & foremost for my life and my health
2. I am thankful for my family, especially mom and dad
3. I am thankful for my friends-turned-sisters, Busola & Funmi (they're the best friends a gal could ask for).
4. I am thankful for the unusual happy days I have been having
5. I am thankful for what I have been able to accomplish thus far.
6. I am thankful for the talent God has blessed me with.
7. I am thankful for the countless times He has forgiven me and taken me back
8. I am thankful for His grace, for His love, and for His kindness
9. I am thankful for who I am
10. And lastly, I am thankful for all you wonderful people - bloggers and non-bloggers alike. You all don't know how much your e-mails, phone calls, text messages, and comments mean to me. They encourage me. They make me more determined. They make me not want to disappoint you, and by His grace, I won't. Keep me in your prayers, please.

And I pray to God...... for wisdom. For patience. For strength. For perseverence. For faith. For long life. For health. For prosperity. For uncommon favor. For His grace.

Alright, I'm done being serious. Now, lemme leave you with the text I sent to almost everyone in my phonebook. No1 is safe from my text messages, I tell ya!

"Happy thanksgiving!!! Remember it's only about a month before Christmas. Hope you're saving up for my gift - a 2009 Range Rover. Make sure it's black & semi tinted with leather interior. And of course, with bluetooth and voice activation features. Need my address?"