Looking For Me?

Every now and then, I like to blog about the key words that people search for on search engines, the keywords that ultimately lead them to Verastic.com  It'd be incredibly unVerastic if I were to blog about the regular words.  Who needs those?  The absurd ones make my day any day.  Enjoy.

1.  Turai Yar'Adua

I'm not sure what bothers me most: the fact that the search for Turai leads people to my blog, or the fact that Turai Yar'Adua is the fourth leading search.  I think it's the latter.  And this is all because of that flattering post about her

2.  www.project@verastic.com

You think I should tell the searcher that www does not come before this or any e-mail address?  Yeah, maybe later.

3.  Oral sex in the bible.

Oh, honey, been there, done that --- searched for it, that is.  This may be hard to believe, but nowhere in the bible do the words oral sex appear.  Go figure!  But maybe my post on oral sex will help, no?

4. "I found out he's married" "green card"

Now, can you ask him if he'd like to be a co-host on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio Show?  You (or he) can read about the talk show, and the show in question is number 11.

5.  Angelina Jolie stay away from my man

*Gasp* Oh, my goodness!!!  Vanessa Pardis, is this you?  You found my blog! How is Johnny Depp?  Wait, did you read the post I put up about you two three?

6.  Ask boyfriend for facebook password to prove trust.

Sweetheart, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but passwords and trust are almost mutually exclusive.  Besides, he could be like me.  I have several e-mail accounts --- which, of course, only implies that I love e-mails J

7.  Aso Rock boyfriend of Turia Yar'Adua

Turai has a boyfriend at Aso Rock?! I knew it!  Now, it's all starting to make sense.

8.  Boyfriend used to date my friend.

We had a show on this one.  Go listen.

9.  Boyfriend won't give me his Facebook password.

Please refer back to number 6 above.  And when you're done, ask Ray what he thinks about passwords.

10.  Breasts that reach for the sky.

Only a man would search for this.

11.  Does Tonto Dike use Makari?

Seriously???

12.  Get perkier breasts

It's your lucky day!  I know the secret.

13.  How to rededicate my life to Christ.

More often than not, people start with a bible-believing church.

14.  I love my fat wife

Good for you!!

15.  I want a fatter wife

Please refer to number 14 above.

16.  If your boyfriend doesn't call you in a day and doesn't send a text, does he love you?

Heck, if I know!

17.  My friend is technically engaged

You're technically a bridesmaid.

18.  My push up bra will get my man

What kind of push up bra is that, and where can I get one?

19.  Sniff menstruation pads

Before or after they've been menstruated on?

20. Verastic Nigerian blogger.

Finally! Someone looks for me JJJ

That's all, folks!  Out of 536 search words - thanks to Google Analytics - I managed to pull 20 out.

P.S. The show goes live in less than 10 hours (at 10am U.S EST and 3pm Nigerian time).  I'll be co-hosting with Diamond, NaijaBloke, and Kola [Baroka] Tubosun, and we'll be talking about how to, if you will, tell your friend that his/her spouse-to-be is a monster.  Listen here.  Call in: 1.646.929.1905 <<>> Text your response(s): 1.443.934.9039 <<>> E-mail your response(s): radio@verastic.com

P.P.S. The Verastic Facebook Fan Page is still lonely.  Join, please?

P.P.P.S. Go vote for today's show!

P.P.P.P.S. If you have already voted for today's show, vote for next week's show.

Searching For Something?

Ever heard of Google Analytics? Azuka installed it on my blog a while ago (although I had to reinstall it later ....all by myself, and I feel so smart!). Anyway, you install it on your blog and it tracks number of visitors, how visitors got referred to your site (facebook, someone else's blog, etc), on what day you had the most visitors, and what search words brought people to your blog. Now, this is where it gets interesting. Here are some funny searches people made. Some of them are perpeplexing, funny, ridiculous, and well, Verastic. I cannot help but wonder why some of these searches brought the searcher to Verastic.com; my thoughts are in blue.

1. "Vera Ezimora" (Okay, so this is the top search, but it's understandable why it brings people to my blog. Obviously, it's my name. Moving along.)

2. "Affluence.org scam" (Yes, apparently, that website affluence dot org is a scam. A while ago, I blogged about it, saying I was invited to join the site.)

3. "Vera Ezimora and oral sex" (Now, this is a bit tricky. Is the person looking for me having oral sex??? Or is the person looking for a piece written by me on oral sex?? I hope it's the latter. Dear searcher, I have never written an article on oral sex, but here is a blog post I wrote a while ago that might help...)

4. "Vera Ezimora university in Essex" (Vera Ezimora owns no University in Essex, but now that you have brought the idea up, I will start working towards it. God be my strength.)

5. "Danny Bagucci" (Oti o! Danny, pesin don find you come my blog. Ehm, dear searcher, please find Danny Bagucci HERE)

6. "Girl wedgies." (Yes, I reckon I know what that feels like. Please feel free to read about my experience HERE)

7. "Push up bra before and after." (I own a push up bra that I have never worn; let's just say it leaves my boobies a little too pushed up for comfort. But the search for it was interesting. You can read that too HERE)

8. "Naapali" (You came too late. He stopped blogging. But you can visit the tombstone of his blog)

9. "search myspace of girls without a bra." (What???? Well, this is not MySpace, and there sure isn't any1 without a bra here. Well, maybe Funmi. She likes being naked 24/7. Some1 pls tell her her husband will get tired of seeing her naked.)

10. "Sexting" (Isn't that the thing where you send sexy pictures thru text messages? Funmie blogged about that here)

11. "sharing thongs" (That's disgusting! Yuck!)

12. "tropical rain forest" (Oh, I remember the days of my tropical rain forest. It has long been shaved. You can read about it here)

13. "Anambra people hate Imo people." (When did this happen?? I must be behind schedule.)

14. "bananas in oral sex" (What is it with people and oral sex sef???)

15. "big booty wedgies" (I might know something about that. *wink*)

16. "big wedgie to my mother" (You wanna give your mom a wedgie? That's just wrong!)

17. "body research on watch how a clit grows" (Ehn??? Watch how what grows?)

18. "can a woman take extenze" (I've been wondering the same thing too! Read here)

19. "can you disvirgin someone with a condom" (With the condom alone? No. With a member inside the condom? Yeap.)

20. "can women stink up the bathroom" (Of course not! We're perfect.)

21. "do Nigerians engage in oral sex" (Another oral sex question! Yes, they do. I see you wanna know before you get involved, ey? lol)

22. "garden of eden oral sex" (I have read the entire book of Genesis. There is no record of Adam & Eve engaging in oral sex....)

23. "how to get a guy horny" (Which kin pesin dey ask dis kin question? That's like the easiest thing 2 do. Shoot, breeze blowing on their member makes them horny. This is not an endorcement to make him horny ... unless he's your husband, then I'll say fire on!)

24. "how to increase size of hips in males" (Hips in males??? I don't think that's a very good idea. But then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.)

25. "how to make my man do oral sex" (I don't think I can help you there)

26. "I love to suck my sister's 44dd boobs" (Just in case you didn't know, that's incest. And not to mention, disgusting!)

27. "love dating Igbo men" (Sadly, I dunno what that feels like - yet)

28. "my waist is way bigger than my hips" (Ah, e get as e be oo! That's probably a bit problematic)

29. "snakes on a nipple" (Whose nipple???)

30. "tobenna and j wedding" (LOL. Ehm, please go to brother Tobenna's blog to get all details about his wedding to J. Me, I no know!)

31. "Verastically livin lyrics" (Verastically livin' has no lyrics. Who dash monkey banana?)

32. "why do we have oral sex" (Ask the person you're having the oral sex with)

33. "what is D'banj's email address" (Hahahahaha. Well, his manager might have it, but Vera sure doesn't. U wan send am email? LOL)

34. "what not to do to her during oral sex" (Not biting her would probably help. Let's start with that).

35. "what sex position is good for having twins" (Biko, if you find out, tell me ooo! Once I get married, my husband and I will be restricted to this sex position. I must have twins by fire!)

36. "what would happen if you didn't have a heart" (I'm assuming you'll meet Baba God. But I might be wrong.)

37. "who broke D'banj's heart" (Some1 broke D'banj's heart?? When? No!!! Not my D'banj! Not my D'banj!!!)

38. "who is the girl having sex on snakes on a plane" (I don't know. But I bet people will run & go see that movie now)

39. "Why do guys never give oral sex" (Honestly, I don tire for oral sex questions.)

40. "why do my nipples itch" (I don't know. But mine itch a lotta times too. Hmm. Ehn, just scratch the thing na..!)

41. "How long does it take to get approval from affluence.org" (Affluence dot org is a scam ooo! Be warned. If you have already applied, then goodluck to you.)

Whew!! There were actually 450 searches, but I chose the 41 funniest/weirdest ones. What have I learnt from all this? People lovvvvvvvvve oral sex AND it apparently brings traffic to my blog. Well, who woulda thunk it?! Oh, and uhm Google Analytics rawks!

p.s. For those that asked questions after I had answered, please check the comment section of my previous post for replies to your question(s).

Shalom!