I Think He's Trying To Tell Us Something

It was only last week Thursday that I told you about the Nollywood flick, Men In Love, starring John Dumelo, Muna Obiefuna, and Tonto Dike. Well, another Nollywood flick is out - Dirty Secret (or about to be out), and this time, it's Frank Artus (a Liberian guy whom many have mistaken to be Ghanaian), Muna Obiefuna, Jibola Dabo, and Tonto Dike. I have seen Tonto with her legs in the air so many times that I have become desensitized to it. I no fit shout. I can't even complain anymore. As a matter of fact, not having her legs up in the air would be unusual.

But what is this thing with Muna Obiefuna? I'm still trying to get over his gay role in Men In Love - not because Nigerian men are not gay (of course not), but because Muna's portrayal of them was just laughable at its best. Now, I see him wearing a thong, which by the way is not how I have always pictured a man in thongs. He has completely ruined this for me! He's kissing another man --- an older guy this time (Jibola Dabo), and well, let's just say I'm torn between being disgusted and amused. Let's call it disgusmused. 

I am now highly suspicious of Muna Obiefuna. I think he's trying to tell us one of the following:

1. His acting career has seen better days, and he is now desperate for a role in a movie. Any role. Any movie.

2. No one ever gets to the top without doing a few crazy things, and he'll do anything to get there, damn it!

3. He actually does have a little sugar in his tank, and he's using style to tell us through his acting career.

I have not seen the movie yet, but I will watch it --- just so that I can come back here and tell you all about it, so in other words, watch out for Part II of this post aka The Review.

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Men In Love

*** MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!!!***

If you have not seen this movie and do not want any spoilers, please exit this post STAT ... by viewing my wish list.

If you have not seen this movie, and would like to see a preview first before deciding if you want to read this post, then skip to the end for a video preview.

If you have not seen this movie and do not care either way, then please, be my guest.

*************************************************************

So I watched the "highly anticipated" Nollywood flick, Men In Love. As you know, all Nollywood movies are highly anticipated. By who? They alone know, but that is by the way.

Having seen the preview before watching the movie, I already knew that at some point, John Dumelo and Muna Obiekwe would be caught doing the nasty. What I did not know was how they would get to that point, and so, I set off to watch this movie, clearly curious.

Plot: Whitney (Tonto Dikeh) is married to Charles (John Dumelo), a rich business man who has a problem with slipping into women other than his wife. After Whitney walks in on him and yet another mistress, she beats the crap out of her and breaks a bottle on her head. Repentant,  Charles vows to be changed man. One day, he bumps into his old friend from college, Alex (Muna Obiekwe). They hang out and reconnect. Alex tells Charles that he's gay. Charles is shocked, but not shocked enough to stay away after Alex starts coming on to him. Charles swears he's a straight man - of course - who has never been and will never be gay - of course.

Alex plays the if-we-can't-be-lovers-let's-be-friends card and invites Charles to his house for a party. Charles honors his invitation (without his wife) - smart move. Alex drugs Charles' drink, and after Charles falls asleep, Alex has his way with him. Some of you may know this as rape. In this case, I'd prefer to call it anal rape.

Charles wakes up in the morning, angry, punches Alex in the face and walks away... only to come back a couple of days later saying he wants Alex as his lover. Fast-forward to Charles and Alex being full blown lovers. Secret lovers, of course. Whitney has no clue. Alex moves into Charles house because his house is under some alleged construction. Charles begins to ignore Whitney. Fast-forward again to Whitney walking into Charles' office and finding her husband getting it from the back ... from another man.

Heartbroken, Whitney moves out of the house. But one day, she spots Charles and Alex at the store and she realizes that her husband is not happy. The Pastor confirms her fears. 

What fears, you ask? Oh, well, apparently, Alex had used juju to to make Charles gay. I mean, what other explaination could there possibly be? Men do not just sleep with other men! The Pastor comes to the house and prays. There is a power point sound effect, and va-va-voom, Charles is miraculously cured of his gayism. [Somebody, shout a thunderous Alleluia!] And they lived happily ever after. Oh, and Alex is sent to jail. The movie made it a point to let all you watchers - especially the secretly gay ones - that being caught in a homosexual act in Nigeria is a crime. I like it when they reiterate the Nigerian law in their movies ... like when they make statements like, "419 is a crime and the EFCC will not stand for it!" or "no one is above the law."  Psshhht, please! As if! 

I don't know about you, but I was utterly, completely, absolutely disappointed in this movie. It was actually a good script --- until that last part. It may be 2010, but we have not moved past blaming juju for everything that does not add up in our lives.  Why couldn't Charles just be a man who was doing it on the down low? Men like him exist everywhere --- including Nigeria where acts of homosexuality are apparently criminal. If you're going to make a movie about anything - homosexuality included - do it well.

The movie was written by Chisom Juliet Okereke, and let me tell you, sister, that's some jacked up mess you did at the end of the movie! I demand a refund of my time.

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What To Do.... What To Do....???

The other day I was watching a new Ghanaian movie, The Perfect Picture (you know I'm current with these things. Oh, you didn't know?). Anyway, it's a really nice movie, beautifully done. It doesn't have twists and turns. I expected it would end the way it did. But that's not the point of this post.

You know how love making scenes in Nigerian movies make you wanna puke and remain celebate, right? Don't tell me I'm the only one they have that effect on. This movie, however, was different. The love making scene was really nice. It didn't have them sweating profusely under a thick, ugly, multi-colored blanket and grunting like they were trying to force out a slice of shit that was double the size of their anus. Too graphic?

Instead, it looked like they were making love AND loving it. In fact, it didn't even look like one or both partners were being punished through sex. It didn't look like the man was trying to jam his penis and his entire body into the woman's little orifice. Ah, that must be what making love looks and sounds like.

Oh, get this. They even did it in more than one position. Yes! This movie had Africans procreating in a position that did not involve the man lifting and throwing his entire weight on the woman. They like to refer to this as missionary. It's not the position that I have qualms with. It's the way the Nigerian/African movies usually do it. Makes my eyes hurt.

Funny enough, that is still not the gist of this post. The gist is that I was watching the movie with my mother. So what exactly was I supposed to do when the love making scene came on? Watch it with mom? Eww. Concentrate on my laptop and pretend I didn't know what was on TV? Yawn, stretch, and pretend to be sleepy? Say 'Eww' and forward that scene (only to come back and watch it when Mom is not around)? I even thought about prentending not to know what they were doing.

[INSERT SERIOUS IGBO ACCENT] Mommy, why are Uncle and Aunty naked and looking dazed? Sex????? Mommy, what is this sex that you speak of, and why are they doing it? To have children???? But Mommy, is it sweet or bitter? [EXIT SERIOUS IGBO ACCENT].

On second thoughts, I figured that wouldn't work either. So I braced up and finished the movie. I am woman enough to watch soft porn a movie with my mom.

P.S. The Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will air on Thursday, July 2nd 2009 @ 10:00 AM U.S. Eastern time (3:00 PM Naija time), Nigerian Tact (Or Lack Of It). We'll be talking about the way Nigerians use the least diplomacy when dispensing their usually not-sought opinions. E-mail me with your stories/comments/questions. radio@verastic.com

The Silly Things We Do (4)

First of all, Happy Easter!! May today be the beginning of better things in my ---I mean your life. Amen. [The 'Amen' was actually for my life not yours, but anyway...]


This is my 4th post on the silly things we do. Somehow, I have consistently been able to find myself in funny situations. Or maybe I just find too many things funny and laugh too much.


Anyway, this happened on Friday, March 21st 2008 (yes, just two days ago). I had to take my car for emissions test, and I did not know the place. I received the letter ever since, but I had just been too lazy to go. According to the letter, the best time for me to go would be in the morning, and I am one who likes waking up early. I do not want to do anything that will make me wake up earlier than I already do (10:00 AM). Before you brand me as a ‘sleeper’, keep in mind that I keep late nights; I usually go to bed at about three, four, or five in the morning. So you see, I am more of a night person. I’d rather stay up late than wake up early.


Anyway, I finally decided to do the emissions thing on Friday – not because I was looking forward to it, but because I wanted to get it over with before the due date, and besides, the letter they sent me said Thursday and Friday are the least busy days. I printed directions off Mapquest since my car is not yet equipped with GPS (*hint, hint* for my birthday gift next year, although I’d still prefer the Range Rover, but I digress…lol).


I should have jejely followed Mapquest oh, but my mom had to come and tell me otherwise. “Why are you following Mapquest?” She asked me. “Don’t you know they give you long routes?” She was right sha; MapQuest does give longer than necessary routes. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you the directions.” She assured me.


I was ready to leave, and these were my mother’s directions:
Mom: Once you go on Pulaski Highway ehn, just go straightttttttt! When you pass that junction where I buy newspaper for a dollar, you will pass a gas station by your left. Don’t stop there oo! You will go to the next gas station and make a left there. Once you make that left ehn, you will see that small fly over where two cars cannot pass by each other at the same time.


Me: Huh? (a little confused)

Mom: You know that small fly over where there is a traffic light and you have to stop for the incoming car to pass now! Don’t you remember? (Sounding irritated like she cannot believe I don’t understand her ‘simple’ directions)

Me: (scratching head and ‘vaguely’ remembering the ‘fly over’): Okay, ehen continue.

Mom: Ehen, once you pass that fly over ehn, just stay by your left hand side. The people that are going towards East Point Mall will stay by their right. Oh, no, no, no, wait, I made a mistake. Once you pass under the fly over ehn, stay by your right, and the people going to East Point Mall will go left. On that right side of the road, just go straighttttttt. Then you will see the Emissions place by your right.

Me: (puzzled) But how will I know when I’ve gotten to the Emissions place?

Mom: You will see a building where people are driving in and driving out.

Me: (satisfied) Okay.

Did anyone notice that my mother’s directions did not include any street names? The landmarks sef were not concrete enough. All I had to go by were nameless gas stations, the junction where she buys newspaper for $1, the fly over where two cars cannot pass at the same time, and the building where cars are driving in and out of. LOL.


I don’t know which kin nonsense trip I embarked on. I live in Baltimore county, and the emissions place is at Baltimore City. I do NOT know my way around Baltimore City, especially the part close to downtown. My people, na so I wan lost for inside Baltimore City oo. I should have known my mother’s directions had K-leg the moment she could not remember which side of the road I was supposed to be on. The Emissions place is located on Erdman Road. Erdman is a very busy street, full of buildings where cars drive in and out of.


That was how I drove aimlessly, blocking the road, suddenly switching lanes, and making abrupt stops and illegal U-turns. It did not help that Erdman Road has traffic lights like almost every other block. At one point, I stopped in the middle of an intersection because I did not notice there was a traffic light. In short, na by the Grace of Baba God I did not get a big, fat ticket ooo because those City cops can be cruel. I had to keep stopping and asking for directions. Somehow sha, I finally, finally found the building. And guess what? There were no cars driving in and out of the building. You know why? It was Friday – one of the least busy days. Lol.


My baby (car) passed the emissions test sha, and after that, I jejely asked the lady for directions. All I had to make were three right turns. They were soooo flippin easy! And you know what? It was the same direction MapQuest gave me. Chei, this my mother sef. She’s lucky I’ve got nothing but love for her.

Speaking of directions, I was watching a Naija comedy later on the same day. The name is Bone in the Throat – starring John Okafor (played the part of Ignatius, fondly called “Iginae” or “IG”) and Uche Jumbo (played the part of Olamma).

Anyway, Ignatius (John Okafor) spent 15 years in Panya (where the heck is Panya?) and did not accomplish anything before coming back to the village where he became engaged to Ola (Uche Jumbo). Desperate for money, IG embarked on a trip to Asaba in search of a woman known as ‘Nwanyi Asaba’ (means ‘Asaba Woman’). The myth was that all you had to do was suck Nwanyi Asaba’s breast to become rich. So off he went with two of his stupid friends. He grabbed every big-breasted girl he saw and tried to suck her breast by force. Needless to say, no one ever told him that Nwanyi Asaba had big breasts o; he just assumed she did (I guess after so much sucking, the breast had to be of considerable size, huh?). His friends got tired of chasing a waterfall and went back to the village. When IG’s fiancée, Olamma (Uche Jumbo) questioned the whereabouts of IG, his friend, Okey, gave her the following directions:


“Once you enter Asaba kpaaaaaa! (kpaaaa is the sound you hear once you enter Asaba, lol). Just go straiggggggghhhhhhhhttttttttttt (this sounds too much like my mother’s direction. Is this déjà vu?) Then you go right. Then you go small and go left as if you want to go….no, no, no, this direction will confuse you (you think?!). I’ll you another direction. Once you enter Asaba and pass the main bridge that says ‘Welcome to Asaba’ any girl you see with jumbo sized breast, approach her; one way or another, she might have encountered IG.”


…lol. So much for giving her a better direction. [I actually had to rewind the movie to write the directions down, so I can blog about it]

Needless to say, IG never did find Nwanyi Asaba. However, he constantly dreamt of being rich and his afa otutu (nickname) was Chief Chop Money. LOL. Question: since ‘Nwanyi Asaba’ means ‘Asaba Woman,’ doesn’t that mean that every woman in Asaba is “Nwanyi Asaba?” Finding Nwanyi Asaba in Asaba has to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

My friends (better known as the ‘Inter-Galactic Force’ ever since I wrote that article about them) and I had a gal’s nite out last night. It was a romantic date with them, although none of them brought me a dozen roses as I requested. Better luck next time, I guess. The picture by the left is Funmi. She took it herself because according to her, she was "smoking!!" Now, you see why I believe my friends are abnormal.






First, we went bowling. Before we went, Uju could not stop making noise about how good she was. We played three rounds. Timbo & Ibukun did not play. Funmi came first in the first round. I came first the second and third round. Uju did not come first at all. In her defense, she just didn’t want to show all the men at the bowling alley her skills coz she didn’t want them to think she was a superwoman. And she did not want to be recruited as a pro either. Yea, Uju! The picture shows the scoreboard at the end. I had 102 points; Uju had 91, and Funmi had 68. You can click on the picture to see it better, and uhm, I'm currently signing autographs.


After the bowling, we went to see Tyler Perry's new movie: Meet The Browns. Lastly, we had dinner at TGIF where I could not stop laughing my head off at the silly things were saying. You know what happens when you have five ladies, food, and alcohol??? Whew!

There are more pictures of our night out. View them at http://verastic.shutterfly.com/


Need some laughs? Read:

The Silly Things We Do (1) HERE
The Silly Things We Do (2) HERE
The Silly Things We Do (3) HERE


Once again, Happy Easter!!