Those People Are Evil

Those people, they're evil. I mean Macy's. They're so evil.

They keep sending sales booklets here, and each one is a special sale. Sometimes, they even have the nerve to call it a secret sale, urging me to hurry and come buy up before everyone else does. And I wonder, how can it be secret if you've sent this thing out to thousands, maybe millions, of people?

I was there on Monday evening for the friends and family sale - whatever that might mean. I don't know what friend means to them. And I don't know of any family member who works there. Still, they were able to lure me. I ended up buying three pairs of jeans. Sure, they fit snuggly on me, like lotion on my skin, just the way I like them. And sure, I needed those jeans. But at what cost? 

When I left the store, I thought to myself, well, at least I got them on sale. Who knows when next they'll go on sale, those jeans. And then, on Wednesday, I received another sales booklet. This time, they're calling it a WOW! PASS. Come the heck on, man! How's a girl supposed to do anything else with all these sales? I've had to invoke the precious name of my Lord, Jesus, begged Him to help me resist the temptation of shopping. I can't fight this by myself, Lord. I just can't do it! So far, it doesn't look like Jesus is listening. Can't really blame Him. There's a war in Iraq. And in Afghanistan. And one may be brewing between North Korea and South Korea. Plus, millions are dying of hunger. My inability to stop craving new clothes probably isn't on His Urgent list. 


But as if that was not bad enough, I got even more sales booklets on Thursday. They're having more sales on jewelry, watches, perfumes, clothes, perfumes, shoes, and much more. It's been less than a week since I bought three pairs of jeans with my exclusive friends and family coupon, and now, I have three more sales booklets screaming my name. Maybe if I pretend that I can't see or hear them, they'll stop luring me.

And then, I began to wonder how nice it would be if someone - but who? - would be so kind as to bless me with a Macy's gift card. Oh, I'd love you forever. $2000 (or more) on a Macy's gift card. I don't want cash. My conscience would never let me blow $2000 cash on shopping for clothes and accessories, but if it's already on a gift card, then, I have no choice, do I?

There were warm coats, dazzling pieces of jewelries, hip-hugging skirts, show-stopping jeans, attention-grabbing tops, boss-lady bags ... you get the idea. And I wanted them all. I craved them. Desired them. Coveted them. Needed them. Touched them. Felt them. And in my mind, I owned them. Then I loathed Macy's for making me do them.

I still want the gift card. I'll love you forever and eternity, if you give me one. Just one.

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Why NOT To Chill In A Public Restroom

Techinically, I wasn't chilling. I went in there for a reason. Heaven knows that I only pee in a public restroom when I have to, so I definitely will not be going in there to chill. What the puck! Yes, I said 'puck'. I learnt it from Funmi's three year old baby who said, 'what the puck?' I thought it was so cute, so now I say it every now & then. Well, I don't mean cute as in awwww, she said her first f-word, but cute as in awww, she mispronounced it. Okay, obviously, there is no way for me to say this and meaningfully justify or explain the cuteness of a three year old saying 'puck'. And if you're wondering, the baby learnt it from Funmi's younger brother. And no, I do not at any time of my life - consciously or unconsciously - include the f-word in my vocabulary. Back to my post...

On Monday, July 27th 2008, I was to meet someone at Macy's. I picked Macy's as the spot because I was going to go do some laptop window shopping @ Best Buy which was a few blocks down. As it turned out, I was too tired & exhausted to go to Best Buy, so I just went to Macy's. I was even too tired to shop - not that I had the money sha. My eyes were a bit pink, revealing the limited sleep I had the night before. I literally dragged myself through Macy's. I was even too tired to sniff perfumes, so you gotta believe me when I say I was tired. All I did was circle the shoe section and try on as many shoes as I could, nothing strenuous. About five different women asked me if I needed help. Wetin na?? I no fit try shoe for free again??? *hiss*

When the time to meet the person was getting close, I decided to do myself a favor and go to the restroom to 'powder my nose.' Who even coined this phrase? Does any1 actually go in2 the restroom to powder their nose? Once you enter the bathroom, there are two aisles - one by the left and one by the right. I went to the aisle by the left. I cleaned the leather couch in there and put my bag on it. Alas, I was finally going to use the little make-up I had been carrying in my bag for ages.

My people, there I was oh, jejely opening my blush kini when some Oyibo lady walked in. The haste with which she had walked in should have told me that all wasn't well. This lady went into the stall behind me and next thing I heard was ppppprprrrruuuuuuu ppppprrrruuuuuu prrrrrruuuuuu. Goodness! That one na proper cholera o. I just packed my stuff and quickly ran to the other aisle. Before I could even get to the end of that aisle, a powerful stench almost blew me away. In fact, I was blown away. I didn't have to look far to notice the big feet in a pair of athletic shoes inside one of the stalls. Me sef, I begin dey wonder whether na man abi na woman wey dey inside stall. I had to organize myself o. So yes, I just left the bathroom completely.

Fifteen minutes later, I went back in. I saw the first lady coming out of the bathroom. The look on her face was, "Uh oh, she knows what I did in there." Me sef, the look I hoped was on my own face was, "Yes, I know what you did in there." So the stalls were free. Awesome. I went back to the left aisle of the bathroom because Mrs. Big Feet was still in her stall on the right aisle. I was just beginning oh when some Mexican - to be politically correct, let's call her Hispanic/Latino/Spanish - woman went to that same stall (the one where Mrs. Guilty Shitter had just exited), and before I could blink, she started her own session.

You've gotta be kidding me! That's what I was thinking. Which kin nonsense temptation be that na? The only thing worse than smelling of shit is smelling of someone else's shit. So I ran out of the bathroom again. About ten minutes later, I went back to the right aisle. This time, Mrs. Big Feet wasn't there anymore. I was able to successfully finish powdering my nose and combing my hair to look presentable. Thank God I also had perfume in my bag - two for that matter. Some day, I'll blog about all the crap in my bag.

I washed my hands and left the bathroom, but then I realized I didn't have lotion in my bag. I decided to go to the lotion/perfume section to get a little dab of lotion. As if I had not been traumatized enough, I was walking towards the perfume and lotion section when some nosy Black lady who was waiting for her friend to try on shoes asked me if I had gotten a makeover from Mac. Means what?! Did I look that jacked up before? Of course, I didn't ask. I think I knew what the answer would have been.

To compensate for all the mental injury that Macy's and its customers had caused me, I went to the lotion/perfume aisle and poured some of the lotion (Unforgiveable Woman by Sean John) into my little lotion bottle. Wetin? No be steal I steal am now. Na sample I dey sample. Honestly, I had been planning on going to Victoria's Secret to get more lotion, but there I was, in a section full of several sample lotions. Ah, I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by oh. I filled up on my bottle sharp sharp! In fact, when this lotion finishes, I shall revisit Macy's and fill up with a new kinda lotion. Who knew that such an expensive, nice-smelling lotion could come at such an affordable price?

As for those women who wanted to reperfume me with the stench of their shit, e no go better for them @ allll. If no be say I don change sef, I for don invoke cholera for their side.

Now that you're done laughing at me, please take a moment to read my new article, Poles Apart. Thanks!!