The Silly Things We Do (5)

No matter how hard I try not to laugh, I feel like there is always something funny going on in my life. Somehow, I find myself surrounded by people that say and do funny things - even when they don't mean to. Apart from my dad, only one other man has made me laugh till I have tears in my eyes. But today's post is about my dad.

My mother enjoys baking. She's one of those women who love baking cakes, frying chin-chins, bons, and puff-puff, and baking meat-pies. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less about baking and all that ish (but I do love eating them all, of course). Why suffer to bake stuff when I can just buy them?

But I think my dislike/disinterest in baking and frying snacks is my dad's fault. Yes, dad's fault. It all happened several years ago in Nigeria. I was about 12 or 13. I was curious about baking a cake - even though I had no recipe whatsoever. I pretty much knew or thought I knew everything that went into the cake (flour, eggs, milk, sugar, butter, nutmeg, can't remember what else), but I didn't know in what particular order it was supposed to go in. Did it matter? Anyway, mom won't let me use her oven. She did not want me to waste her gas.

So what did I do? After mixing my cake, I poured it into a metal bowl, and then, I placed the metal bowl in a boiling pot of hot water. It was kind of like making moi moi. I don't know if that cake still qualifies as having been baked. Maybe it was cooked. Or boiled. Anything but baked. It was not baked.

Where does dad come in? Well, dad was my boyfriend, you know. I used to pet him like he was my man or something. I used to clip his nails, clean out his ear wax, and wash his clothes. Whenever he fell asleep on the couch, I was there to put a pillow under his head and a blanket over his body. Dad said I would make a great wife. [Hey, his words not mine.. but I don't disagree, of course. Hehe]. So that day, I could not wait to have my boyfriend (dad) taste my cake - a cake I loved by the way.

Dad sat at the table, and I served him a psychedelic slice of cooked cake. Mom, my cousin Nachi, the help Ngozi, and I were all gathered around dad, waiting for his judgment. It was as if my heart was in my hands. I could not wait to hear the verdict. Dad took a bite, churned, swallowed, took another bite, churned, and swallowed again.

Then while still holding the cake in his hand, he said, "This is nothing but akpu and sugar..." After which the entire family - except me - fell out laughing.

...And there, my friends, is the reason why I don't bake! Yes, that's my story, and yes, I am sticking to it!

The Silly Things We Do (1)

The Silly Things We Do (2)

The Silly Things We Do (3)

The Silly Things We Do (4)

The Silly Things We Do (4)

First of all, Happy Easter!! May today be the beginning of better things in my ---I mean your life. Amen. [The 'Amen' was actually for my life not yours, but anyway...]


This is my 4th post on the silly things we do. Somehow, I have consistently been able to find myself in funny situations. Or maybe I just find too many things funny and laugh too much.


Anyway, this happened on Friday, March 21st 2008 (yes, just two days ago). I had to take my car for emissions test, and I did not know the place. I received the letter ever since, but I had just been too lazy to go. According to the letter, the best time for me to go would be in the morning, and I am one who likes waking up early. I do not want to do anything that will make me wake up earlier than I already do (10:00 AM). Before you brand me as a ‘sleeper’, keep in mind that I keep late nights; I usually go to bed at about three, four, or five in the morning. So you see, I am more of a night person. I’d rather stay up late than wake up early.


Anyway, I finally decided to do the emissions thing on Friday – not because I was looking forward to it, but because I wanted to get it over with before the due date, and besides, the letter they sent me said Thursday and Friday are the least busy days. I printed directions off Mapquest since my car is not yet equipped with GPS (*hint, hint* for my birthday gift next year, although I’d still prefer the Range Rover, but I digress…lol).


I should have jejely followed Mapquest oh, but my mom had to come and tell me otherwise. “Why are you following Mapquest?” She asked me. “Don’t you know they give you long routes?” She was right sha; MapQuest does give longer than necessary routes. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you the directions.” She assured me.


I was ready to leave, and these were my mother’s directions:
Mom: Once you go on Pulaski Highway ehn, just go straightttttttt! When you pass that junction where I buy newspaper for a dollar, you will pass a gas station by your left. Don’t stop there oo! You will go to the next gas station and make a left there. Once you make that left ehn, you will see that small fly over where two cars cannot pass by each other at the same time.


Me: Huh? (a little confused)

Mom: You know that small fly over where there is a traffic light and you have to stop for the incoming car to pass now! Don’t you remember? (Sounding irritated like she cannot believe I don’t understand her ‘simple’ directions)

Me: (scratching head and ‘vaguely’ remembering the ‘fly over’): Okay, ehen continue.

Mom: Ehen, once you pass that fly over ehn, just stay by your left hand side. The people that are going towards East Point Mall will stay by their right. Oh, no, no, no, wait, I made a mistake. Once you pass under the fly over ehn, stay by your right, and the people going to East Point Mall will go left. On that right side of the road, just go straighttttttt. Then you will see the Emissions place by your right.

Me: (puzzled) But how will I know when I’ve gotten to the Emissions place?

Mom: You will see a building where people are driving in and driving out.

Me: (satisfied) Okay.

Did anyone notice that my mother’s directions did not include any street names? The landmarks sef were not concrete enough. All I had to go by were nameless gas stations, the junction where she buys newspaper for $1, the fly over where two cars cannot pass at the same time, and the building where cars are driving in and out of. LOL.


I don’t know which kin nonsense trip I embarked on. I live in Baltimore county, and the emissions place is at Baltimore City. I do NOT know my way around Baltimore City, especially the part close to downtown. My people, na so I wan lost for inside Baltimore City oo. I should have known my mother’s directions had K-leg the moment she could not remember which side of the road I was supposed to be on. The Emissions place is located on Erdman Road. Erdman is a very busy street, full of buildings where cars drive in and out of.


That was how I drove aimlessly, blocking the road, suddenly switching lanes, and making abrupt stops and illegal U-turns. It did not help that Erdman Road has traffic lights like almost every other block. At one point, I stopped in the middle of an intersection because I did not notice there was a traffic light. In short, na by the Grace of Baba God I did not get a big, fat ticket ooo because those City cops can be cruel. I had to keep stopping and asking for directions. Somehow sha, I finally, finally found the building. And guess what? There were no cars driving in and out of the building. You know why? It was Friday – one of the least busy days. Lol.


My baby (car) passed the emissions test sha, and after that, I jejely asked the lady for directions. All I had to make were three right turns. They were soooo flippin easy! And you know what? It was the same direction MapQuest gave me. Chei, this my mother sef. She’s lucky I’ve got nothing but love for her.

Speaking of directions, I was watching a Naija comedy later on the same day. The name is Bone in the Throat – starring John Okafor (played the part of Ignatius, fondly called “Iginae” or “IG”) and Uche Jumbo (played the part of Olamma).

Anyway, Ignatius (John Okafor) spent 15 years in Panya (where the heck is Panya?) and did not accomplish anything before coming back to the village where he became engaged to Ola (Uche Jumbo). Desperate for money, IG embarked on a trip to Asaba in search of a woman known as ‘Nwanyi Asaba’ (means ‘Asaba Woman’). The myth was that all you had to do was suck Nwanyi Asaba’s breast to become rich. So off he went with two of his stupid friends. He grabbed every big-breasted girl he saw and tried to suck her breast by force. Needless to say, no one ever told him that Nwanyi Asaba had big breasts o; he just assumed she did (I guess after so much sucking, the breast had to be of considerable size, huh?). His friends got tired of chasing a waterfall and went back to the village. When IG’s fiancée, Olamma (Uche Jumbo) questioned the whereabouts of IG, his friend, Okey, gave her the following directions:


“Once you enter Asaba kpaaaaaa! (kpaaaa is the sound you hear once you enter Asaba, lol). Just go straiggggggghhhhhhhhttttttttttt (this sounds too much like my mother’s direction. Is this déjà vu?) Then you go right. Then you go small and go left as if you want to go….no, no, no, this direction will confuse you (you think?!). I’ll you another direction. Once you enter Asaba and pass the main bridge that says ‘Welcome to Asaba’ any girl you see with jumbo sized breast, approach her; one way or another, she might have encountered IG.”


…lol. So much for giving her a better direction. [I actually had to rewind the movie to write the directions down, so I can blog about it]

Needless to say, IG never did find Nwanyi Asaba. However, he constantly dreamt of being rich and his afa otutu (nickname) was Chief Chop Money. LOL. Question: since ‘Nwanyi Asaba’ means ‘Asaba Woman,’ doesn’t that mean that every woman in Asaba is “Nwanyi Asaba?” Finding Nwanyi Asaba in Asaba has to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

My friends (better known as the ‘Inter-Galactic Force’ ever since I wrote that article about them) and I had a gal’s nite out last night. It was a romantic date with them, although none of them brought me a dozen roses as I requested. Better luck next time, I guess. The picture by the left is Funmi. She took it herself because according to her, she was "smoking!!" Now, you see why I believe my friends are abnormal.






First, we went bowling. Before we went, Uju could not stop making noise about how good she was. We played three rounds. Timbo & Ibukun did not play. Funmi came first in the first round. I came first the second and third round. Uju did not come first at all. In her defense, she just didn’t want to show all the men at the bowling alley her skills coz she didn’t want them to think she was a superwoman. And she did not want to be recruited as a pro either. Yea, Uju! The picture shows the scoreboard at the end. I had 102 points; Uju had 91, and Funmi had 68. You can click on the picture to see it better, and uhm, I'm currently signing autographs.


After the bowling, we went to see Tyler Perry's new movie: Meet The Browns. Lastly, we had dinner at TGIF where I could not stop laughing my head off at the silly things were saying. You know what happens when you have five ladies, food, and alcohol??? Whew!

There are more pictures of our night out. View them at http://verastic.shutterfly.com/


Need some laughs? Read:

The Silly Things We Do (1) HERE
The Silly Things We Do (2) HERE
The Silly Things We Do (3) HERE


Once again, Happy Easter!!

The Silly Things We Do (3)

Read One & Two

I live in an apartment with my mom, and the story I'm about to tell you happened in the summer of 2005.

It was a hot evening as usual, so I was jejely sleeping on my bed, wearing only my underwear. I was along @ home as usual, my bedroom door was open, and the TV in the living room was on. I woke up @ a point, but I was still drifting in and out of sleep. I could hear the TV, and if I listened well enough, I woulda been able to make out whatever was being said.

I thought I heard a sound in my room, so I opened my eyes, but I didn't see anything. I drifted off to sleep again, but I kept hearing sounds. Each time I opened my eyes, I didn't see anything. It was about 9pm, so it was dark. Then I thought I heard wings flapping, so I opened my eyes, and lo and behold, there was something black flying towards me. So I jumped out of bed, turned my light on, and there it was...

.....a bat!

I jumped out of bed, screamed, and ran out of my bedroom, still wearing only my underwear. In my haste to run out, I left my cell phone and the cordless phone on my bed, and I was too scared to go back, so I decided to use the phone in my mom's room. I called my mom @ work to tell her of our uninvited guest. She said I should call 911. I said, "Mom, I don't think people call 911 for bats". By the time I got off the phone with mom, I was questioning my decision 2 call her. She was of no help 2 me. But then again, what did I xpect her to do?

So I sat on her bed, my heart in my mouth, trying to think of what to do next. I lay on her bed, looked up on the vent in her room, and I thought I saw something, so I turned her lights on...

....yeap, another bat.

So, I jumped up. Put on a t-shirt I saw on her bed, tied her wrapper and rushed out to the living room. I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom, but I didn't for 2 reasons:
1. There might be a bat in there
2. Staying in there would not help me in anyway.

So I sat on the couch....just for me to see a bat flying around in the living room.

At this point, I grabbed my keys and ran out of the house. I didn't run out of the building, but I was out of the house. I didn't know what else to do, so I knocked on my neighbour's door (He's a young Igbo guy in his late 20s/early 30s).

I: N, can you come 2 my house & help me please? I have bats
N: You have bats?
I: Yea, so can u help me, please? I need 2 get rid of them.
N: R u sure they're bats?
I: (getting irritated) Yes, I'm sure, go take a look.

He opened my door, and the bat that was in the living room was now perched on the window blind.

N: Wow, that's really a bat. But where did they come from? Did you offend any1 in the village?
I: N, are you seriously thinking these bats came from Naija?
N: Yes now! Bats don't come 2 people's houses, so who did you offend in the village?
I: N, those bats r not from the village.
N: Okay, maybe they're not, but where did they come from? If they're not from the village, then they must all be born from one mother, and their mother is in your house, so she released two children to go and get food. But who sent the mother?
I: So basically, what you're saying is that these are not ordinary bats abi? Whether it's mother and children or only two children, someone must have sent them.
N: Yes.

I: Okay, that's good. N, are you going 2 help me chase these bats away or not?!

I couldn't believe it! This person was born here o (though he was raised in Naija) but he came back over ten years ago. I called animal control and they said they couldn't do anything about it because it was a weekend, and it was already about 10pm @ this time. But they said I had bats because my house was close to the woods/trees, and apparently, it was a normal thing 4 them 2 get into houses. I called the apartment maintenance people, and they said they were coming.

N finally decided to help me get rid of the bats. By the way, they were two bats (it was the one in my room that came out 2 the living room). So N opened the windows and took the screens (nets) out. So we (more like he) chased the bats while I screamed. Homeboy didn't want to hit the bats...just in case they were witches. He didn't want them 2 be mad @ him and come back to kill him. One of the bats actually died cause I guess he mistakenly hit it.

The apartment maintenance people finally showed up....@ one AM! We told him the bats were gone, but they (apartment people) had 2 send their men in the following day to fix the window screens, and guess what the moo moo said? He said, "I hope y'll didn't kill any of the bats because it is illegal to kill bats, and you could go to jail for that...and even pay a high fine."

Wat rubbish! The bats shoulda thought about that b4 invading my house and nearly sending me 2 an early grave. Apparently, there was a hole in the ceiling of the equipment room - that's where they came in from. I screamed tire that day o! Bats r just very ugly creatures. They look like flying rats. I do not think there is anything demonic about them, but I don't like them.

Sorry 4 making this post so long; wasn't my intention.

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There's a new movie coming out called, Overwhelmed's Pictures...featuring her boobs & famous bowlegs. It will be showing in all theatres near you. But you have to buy ur tickets in advance. They cost only $5, so make ur check payable 2 Vera Ezimora.

I was gonna catch up on blogs, but my waist is falling down right now. Today is my 2nd day with Ms. Flow, and I am not finding it funny @ all. I've been holding my waist like an old woman, so lemme go lie down for a few minutes. I'll be back 2 catch up on my fav blogs.

Wish me well, please.

The Silly Things We Do (2)

A while ago, I put up the post of The Silly Things We Do (1). Now, I'm gonna write the second edition bout my daddy. Abeg share this laugh with me.

My father is a medical doctor, and his clinic is right across our house in Plateau State. He has a storage room in the house that is filled with medication et al. My father is never in a hurry to do anything...just like me. He'd wake up in the morning and start watching makosa music videos instead of going to work; a lot of times, his workers would have to call him and tell him that he has patients waiting 4 him.

On this day, my dad was taking his sweet time as usual, and then one of his patients decided to come to our house herself to tell my dad that she had been waiting 4 him. When she came, my dad was taking a shower, so she decided to wait in the living room. That day, it was only my dad, my cousin, and I that were home.

The woman decided to use the bathroom (not the one dad was taking a shower in). She did the number two, and it was stinking!!! She flushed the toilet, but damn!!! When dad came out of his bedroom, I told him that the woman was waiting 4 him in the living room. He went into the storage room to get some medication(s) or something like that, but he had to go past the bathroom that the woman used. So when he was passing, he was all like, "Hmmph! These children (me and my cousin), what did you people eat? This place stinks! We have a visitor, and you couldn't even have the decency of flushing the toilet after you. Hmmph!"

The man was all fanning his nose every time he had to pass that bathroom. He said it over and over that me and my cousin were nasty, etc, and we should stop eating junk. The man even had the nervesto go and apologise to the woman for the foul odor in the house. The woman didn't say anything back. What was she supposed to say - 'sorry, Doctor, it was me'? LOL

My cousin and I didn't even bother telling him it wasn't us that did it. We just let him run his mouth and stick his foot deeper down his throat. When he was done attempting to embarass me and my cousin, we finally decided to tell him. He was so shocked! And ashamed, of course, but I doubt if his shame was half as much as that woman's own. That's what she gets for shitting in the Doctor's house, LOL. She shoulda held her shit in the clinic, but she just had to come and stink up the house. LOL.

Boy oh boy...the good ol' days! I wouldn't mind a repeat of that event at all...as long as I'm not the person who polluted the house. But seriously, the foul odor of that woman's shit was lethal. It was literally lethal gas; in fact, I am surprised we didn't have to evacuate the house until further notice. Yeap, it was that bad.

Until later sha. Have a wonderful day!

The Silly Things We Do (1)

This story isn't actually about me; it's about my dear mom. It happened about four years ago, I believe.

We (my family & I) had gone for some Naija occasion (can't remember wat the occasion was), and my mom saw some lady, who she believed she knew. So she walked up to the lady and said, "Hey, Ify!"

But the lady was giving my mom one kind funny look sha, as if she didn't know who my mom was.

So... (by the way, this conversation took place in Igbo, which made it even funnier)
Mom: Ah ah, Ify, why are you looking at me like that? Don't you remember me?
Woman: *confused* Ugh, no, I'm sorry, I don't.
Mom: *perplexed* Ah ah, Ify, how can you forget me? You always come 2 my junior sister's house now; don't u remember?'
Woman: I do? Who is your sister?
Mom: Chi-------
Woman: Ah, I'm sorry oh, I don't remember you.
Mom: Nawa oh, well, how is Jasper? (Jasper is Ify's hubby)
Woman: Who?
Mom: Jasper, your husband now.
Woman: I'm not Jasper's wife
Mom: Yes, you are
Woman: No, I'm not
Mom: Yes, you are
Woman: No, I'm not
Mom: Ah ah, how can you say Jasper is not your husband? Don't you know your husband, Jasper?
Woman: Jasper is not my husband
Mom: Yes, he is.
Woman: No, he's not
Mom: Okay, lemme show you my daughter (me) so you can remember.

*mom comes to me with the woman following behind her*
Mom: Nne (mummy), look at Jasper's wife o! She says she doesn't remember us.
Me: Mom, that's not Jasper's wife
Mom: What are you saying?! This is Ify, Jasper's wife
Me: No, she's not. *pointing to the real Ify on the other side of the room* that's Jasper's wife over there
Mom: *looking from Jasper's wife to strange woman and back to Jasper's wife* Oh! Ewo! *turns to woman* My dear, adi'm very sorry (i'm very sorry)
Woman: *laughing* It's okay *walks away*

I couldn't stop laughing that day. What was even funnier to me was the fact that she was arguing with the woman and telling her she was Jasper's wife. Ah ah, na by force? Even if the woman had forgotten my mom, could she have forgotten her hubby too?

Of course, I've never stopped teasing mom about that cause it was soooo ridiculous. As soon as the woman said she wasn's Ify, that was mom's cue to walk away, but she had to stay and FORCE the woman to accept that she was Jasper's wife. And you know what? That woman didn't even look a bit like Jasper's wife. For starters, she was like half the size of Jasper's wife.

Oh mommy!

If indeed, I am crazy on some level, it is obvious that it's genetic. Next time, I'll talk of Dad. He's another character - the funniest man I know!

Night y'll. As you can see, it's rather late @ night.

We go yarn tomorrow!