Finally, A Perk!

I have been menstruating for the past decade (Hey! Don't try to calculate my age. I was a late bloomer!), and just when I thought I would never be rewarded for the gallons of blood I have lost and the combined hours of menstrual cramps I have endured, Always came in and changed my story.

So, there I was, shopping for my favorite brand of pads - really, Always is the best! - when I spotted this on the box.

This is the pad I always get - the overnight ultra thin - and I use it whether it's day or night.

No matter how bold the word 'FREE' was written on the box, I refused to get excited. This, after all, is America, and nothing, as I have come to learn, is free. That said, I still bought this gifted box of Always pad. 

I took it home, opened the box, and pulled out the slip with a 14-character alpha-numeric code.  I was instructed to go online (with the code) and redeem my free movie ticket. Still, I refused to get excited. They'll probably tax me or demand my credit card information, I concluded.

I printed my e-ticket online and took it to my favorite movie theater where I presented it and asked for a ticket to see Killers (Watch the trailer here). It worked! Yes, I actually got a FREE ticket. No hanky panky --- for now anyway. I did not want to blog about this before seeing the movie for fear that the Always people would revoke my ticket. But now that I have seen the movie, my new fear is that they'll send me a bill.

Having received the opportunity to watch a free movie, I am sincerely grateful to Always (No, I was not paid to blog about this!), and I wonder what's next. Are they going to send me to a free dinner at Chilis Restarant (I love that place!)?  Are they going to send me a Macy's gift card? I could always use that.  Hopefully, I wouldn't have to wait for a decade before receiving this reward from Always.  

P.S. All of a sudden, I feel like menstruating!

This One's For KennKnotty

Dear KennKnotty,

I like your name. I tend to think of it more as KennNaughty. Naughty Kenn. I like it. The fact that your profile picture is of your lips certainly tickles my imagination. I hope you find this post to be as "mouth-watering" as you said you would. On Monday, I woke up feeling particularly damp between my legs. I did not need to think too far or for too long to figure it out: Ms. Flow was either around or was very, very near. And so, I went to pee, partly because I wanted a chance to wipe myself and confirm my suspicion, but mostly because it was morning, and I had to pee anyway. The red-stained white tissue confirmed my suspicion. Thankfully, however, my underwear was not stained. A few minutes more, it would have been a different story.

I decided to do the only thing I could do at that time [in this particular order]: wash my underwear, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then, take a shower. After which I padded my underwear with one Always ultra light, long pad. It would protect my underwear from blood stains for about five to six hours (less if I dare to pee). Just to clarify, the pee does not go on the pad, just Ms. Flow.

The rest of the day had me running to the bathroom about every other hour in an attempt to empty my bowels. So much for changing my pad every five to six hours.  You see, Ms. Flow often brings with her a mysterious case of diarrhea. It's the strangest thing, I tell you. Sometimes, I poop out something that's the size of half of my pinky.  So little.  A total waste of tissue and pads. In addition to the mysterious diarrhea, Ms. Flow also brings with her mood swings, stomach upsets, stomach discomfort, something that feels like the vibration of my waist, an intense need for a massage on the small of my back, and a general feeling of restlessness.

On Monday, I had planned on going to see a movie - Death At A Funeral, but I just couldn't make it. Apart from having to run to the bathroom every other hour, I suddenly became pissed off and restless. I would have given and done almost anything to just be held and cuddled. Or at least, comforted, even if through a phone. And I thought to myself, 'What would KennKnotty think?' I concluded you'd think I'm becoming mushy again. A girl cannot help it.  After all is said and done, a girl is still a girl. She still bleeds between her legs. She still becomes unusually emotional when she bleeds.  She still smiles at KennKnotty's picture.  But most of all, a girl still sends her consolences to KennKnotty over the loss of his precious, precious daddy.

Now, a girl has to go back to bleeding. Tomorrow is the last day.

Life Without My Nwoke Ocha

Nwoke Ocha = White Man.

My Nwoke Ocha is sick and in the hospital, and since his admission in the hospital, life has just not been the same. I never knew how much I relied on him to get things done until he fell ill. I haven't seen him all of today. I didn't see him all of yesterday either. He got admitted on Wednesday, and since then, I have not been myself. The situation is grim, but I have been praying and trusting God to heal him, so that he comes back the same way he left - without the illness, of course. Oh, my Nwoke Ocha, hurry home!! I miss you something wicked.

I know this post is supposed to be about my Nwoke Ocha, but permit me to vent for a minute here: whose bright idea was it for women to menstruate AND be bloated while at it??? Okay, fine, I think I know whose idea it was. But seriously... this is soooo not funny! Ms. Flow came yesterday, and today, I am in a very pissed off mood. I'd like to think I am pissed off because my Nwoke Ocha isn't feeling well, but I know that is not the real reason.

Here are a few comforting words to describe how I am currently feeling: Angry. Pissed off. Bloated. Uncomfortable. Irritated. Moody. Emotional. Restless. Really, really pissed off.

The only thing that is worse than being pissed off is being pissed off and not even knowing why you're pissed off. I was just on the phone with Busola and everything was fine until that discomfort under my abdomen started again. All of a sudden, I was about to bite the poor girl's head off. There is no reason why I should be feeling like my waist is vibrating! And this is not the kind of vibration that comes with a happy ending. Speaking of that vibration, I ought to discover it sometime in my lifetime, no?

*****END OF VENTING*****

So Nwoke Ocha is ill. Did I tell you that already? Perhaps, it'll help if I stop mentioning the name and just say who the heck he is. He is my white Sony laptop - hence the name (which was given by Mr. Shoes, by the way...). My laptop went off and won't come on. They think it might be the motherboard. Darn Best Buy people don't give loaner laptops (even though I even paid $300 insurance on the laptop, and it's not even a year yet..). Seriously, Best Buy sucks!! And I think that is just one more thing that is pissing me off right now. I'm using mom's laptop, and it sucks that I have to keep going incognito whenever I'm checking my blog (or visiting any site that has "Verastic" in it.) Wouldn't want mom finding this site or its many, many relatives. Of course, it's almost a fool's dream that mom would never find this site because I blog with my real name.

In less than ten hours, Verastically Speakin will go LIVE. Do tune in. We'll be talking about women who are in their 30s, accomplished, and single Speaking of that, I think I need to call up my co-hosts and make sure we're all on the same page. ---> And that's another reason why I'm pissed! Why the heck have I not called till now (the 11th hour)? Anyway, the show will be LIVE in less than ten hours. Don't miss it. Fear not. I'll be mighty nice while on air.

Lastly, AfriPRO Houston, in collaboration with African Business Council of Texas brings you the Houston Africa Business Expo 2009 --> today, August 22nd 2009. Watch the video and click HERE for more details.

The Silly Things We Do (3)

Read One & Two

I live in an apartment with my mom, and the story I'm about to tell you happened in the summer of 2005.

It was a hot evening as usual, so I was jejely sleeping on my bed, wearing only my underwear. I was along @ home as usual, my bedroom door was open, and the TV in the living room was on. I woke up @ a point, but I was still drifting in and out of sleep. I could hear the TV, and if I listened well enough, I woulda been able to make out whatever was being said.

I thought I heard a sound in my room, so I opened my eyes, but I didn't see anything. I drifted off to sleep again, but I kept hearing sounds. Each time I opened my eyes, I didn't see anything. It was about 9pm, so it was dark. Then I thought I heard wings flapping, so I opened my eyes, and lo and behold, there was something black flying towards me. So I jumped out of bed, turned my light on, and there it was...

.....a bat!

I jumped out of bed, screamed, and ran out of my bedroom, still wearing only my underwear. In my haste to run out, I left my cell phone and the cordless phone on my bed, and I was too scared to go back, so I decided to use the phone in my mom's room. I called my mom @ work to tell her of our uninvited guest. She said I should call 911. I said, "Mom, I don't think people call 911 for bats". By the time I got off the phone with mom, I was questioning my decision 2 call her. She was of no help 2 me. But then again, what did I xpect her to do?

So I sat on her bed, my heart in my mouth, trying to think of what to do next. I lay on her bed, looked up on the vent in her room, and I thought I saw something, so I turned her lights on...

....yeap, another bat.

So, I jumped up. Put on a t-shirt I saw on her bed, tied her wrapper and rushed out to the living room. I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom, but I didn't for 2 reasons:
1. There might be a bat in there
2. Staying in there would not help me in anyway.

So I sat on the couch....just for me to see a bat flying around in the living room.

At this point, I grabbed my keys and ran out of the house. I didn't run out of the building, but I was out of the house. I didn't know what else to do, so I knocked on my neighbour's door (He's a young Igbo guy in his late 20s/early 30s).

I: N, can you come 2 my house & help me please? I have bats
N: You have bats?
I: Yea, so can u help me, please? I need 2 get rid of them.
N: R u sure they're bats?
I: (getting irritated) Yes, I'm sure, go take a look.

He opened my door, and the bat that was in the living room was now perched on the window blind.

N: Wow, that's really a bat. But where did they come from? Did you offend any1 in the village?
I: N, are you seriously thinking these bats came from Naija?
N: Yes now! Bats don't come 2 people's houses, so who did you offend in the village?
I: N, those bats r not from the village.
N: Okay, maybe they're not, but where did they come from? If they're not from the village, then they must all be born from one mother, and their mother is in your house, so she released two children to go and get food. But who sent the mother?
I: So basically, what you're saying is that these are not ordinary bats abi? Whether it's mother and children or only two children, someone must have sent them.
N: Yes.

I: Okay, that's good. N, are you going 2 help me chase these bats away or not?!

I couldn't believe it! This person was born here o (though he was raised in Naija) but he came back over ten years ago. I called animal control and they said they couldn't do anything about it because it was a weekend, and it was already about 10pm @ this time. But they said I had bats because my house was close to the woods/trees, and apparently, it was a normal thing 4 them 2 get into houses. I called the apartment maintenance people, and they said they were coming.

N finally decided to help me get rid of the bats. By the way, they were two bats (it was the one in my room that came out 2 the living room). So N opened the windows and took the screens (nets) out. So we (more like he) chased the bats while I screamed. Homeboy didn't want to hit the bats...just in case they were witches. He didn't want them 2 be mad @ him and come back to kill him. One of the bats actually died cause I guess he mistakenly hit it.

The apartment maintenance people finally showed up....@ one AM! We told him the bats were gone, but they (apartment people) had 2 send their men in the following day to fix the window screens, and guess what the moo moo said? He said, "I hope y'll didn't kill any of the bats because it is illegal to kill bats, and you could go to jail for that...and even pay a high fine."

Wat rubbish! The bats shoulda thought about that b4 invading my house and nearly sending me 2 an early grave. Apparently, there was a hole in the ceiling of the equipment room - that's where they came in from. I screamed tire that day o! Bats r just very ugly creatures. They look like flying rats. I do not think there is anything demonic about them, but I don't like them.

Sorry 4 making this post so long; wasn't my intention.

#############################################

There's a new movie coming out called, Overwhelmed's Pictures...featuring her boobs & famous bowlegs. It will be showing in all theatres near you. But you have to buy ur tickets in advance. They cost only $5, so make ur check payable 2 Vera Ezimora.

I was gonna catch up on blogs, but my waist is falling down right now. Today is my 2nd day with Ms. Flow, and I am not finding it funny @ all. I've been holding my waist like an old woman, so lemme go lie down for a few minutes. I'll be back 2 catch up on my fav blogs.

Wish me well, please.

I'm Seeing Red....LITERALLY!

While I know no1 cares 2 know this, I still feel the need to tell everyone that I am on my flippin period! Yes, I said it. It started yesterday...and it came along with the cramps. I don't always have cramps, and even when I do, they are almost never as intense as it was yesterday. I guess I've been under a lot of stress....with planning my wedding to NaijaBloke and all.

In case you're wondering how come I'm getting married to NaijaBloke when I already stated that my baby, Hugh Jackman is 'the one', well, it's really quite simple. You see, Bloke and I are perfect for each other. We love each other dearly and we see things from the same perspective. We're both confident in what we have, so he lets me do my thing with Hugh Jackman and I let him do his thing with Patience Ozokwor. Somehow, my finace cannot get enuff of Patience Ozokwor; I think it's because of the phat booty on her. But anyways...Hugh understands my situation because he is married himself. Therefore, married or not, I will still see my baby, Hugh Jackman.

Now, speaking of my fiance, Bloke, whoever knows him should go and warn him oh! Cause all this one that he is planning on buying me a ring from the flea market with a 'ruby like' thing on it, I no send o! Bloke, don't make me call this wedding off o! After all, you're not the only fish in the sea ah ah. Just the other day sef, Joel proposed 2 me. Take time o!

Back 2 my cramps...they r killin me! My waist feels like I'm pulling 200 pounds, and I cannot take it anymore! I need a waist rub ASAP. Where is that NaijaBloke when you need him sef?! Is there anyone out there who is willing to give me a waist rub? This is ridiculous. And because today is my second day, I anticipate a fowl mood. I'm gonna be snapping @ everyone for everything. Too bad Busola is the one who will suffer it cause I'm spending the day with her. Hehehehehe.

So how are y'll preparing for thanksgiving tomorrow? I don't eat turkey, but I bake one every thanksgiving. I usually taste it, of course, but that's as far as I am willing to go. I just spiced up my turkey some minutes ago and put it in the fridge to marinade. I'll wake up early tomorrow morning and put it in the oven; you know it takes forever and a day to bake. I believe it's an hour for every 4 pounds right? And my turkey weighs 19.7 pounds, so that's about 4 hours and 40 minutes.

I gotta say that seasoning the turkey wasn't easy @ all. I felt so dirty! There I was sticking my entire fist into this poor thang. I wasn't even 'fingering' it; I was 'fisting' it. Yes, all pun intended. But I think the turkey is a freak! At one, point, I heard it moan! Or maybe that was just Bloke moaning. He was watching a Naija movie with Patience Ozokwor and she makes him as hard as Chinese calculus. Even I can't elicit such a result!

Meomeo's sister had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. I haven't seen her (the baby) yet, but I know she is beautiful. The naming ceremony is on tuesday....yay! My excitement isn't because the baby will be officially named, but rather that I will get 2 eat some party food. What's so special about a naming ceremony? After all, I didn't have one and look how GREAT I turned out. Hmmm, I hope they make that spicy goat meat. Perhaps, I should go with my own plastic plates for the take-away food. Hmmmmm..... *thinking*. I realize some (if not all) of you must be wondering, 'who the hell is Meomeo?'; well, worry not...just know his name is Meomeo. And no, he isn't a cat!

Alright....off I go. My waist is pulling me down. I'll be back tomorrow to put up before and after pictures of my turkey. Lemme know if you want a slice.

Feelin a Bit Crappy

As much as I don't wanna be nasty, I can't help it, but I will try. So I woke up today to realize my monthly visitor was around....unexpectedly. Well, I knew from my calendar that she was scheduled to be here today, but she usually comes a day or two after the day I expect her to. So this time, I'm like "what da hell? She won't be here till tomorrow or next." Wrong! Soon as I realised what happened, I just said to myself, "what a day; what a damn day!". I am very irritable right now and will be irritable tomorrow too, but probably not next tomorrow (unless something else pisses me off), but I have been tryin' not to snap at any1 without any plausible reason. I'm supposed to be working on my book, but I am too pissed to do so. If I attempt doing so, I just might make my character bitchy (like I am feeling on the inside right now). I'm so pissed that I can't even think of anything I could do to make myself feel a lil' better. Usually, I'll be talkin' to some1, but today is not the day. The weather today was rather harsh.... wicked, might I add. When I went out, it only took a few minutes b4 it felt like my veins had frozen. Well, that's the highlight of my day. I live a pretty boring life.... don't you think? Mehn, I know I shouldn't be eating this late, but I am starvin like marvin right now. Wish I ate something earlier, but then I was too pissed to do so. Oh well, that beef noodle is looking mighty good right about now..... :)