Have you ever had that kind of shit that vows it must tear your butt hole before it makes its grand exit? It's very hard and very long. Please, get your mind out of the gutter. It's so hard to come out that you have to hold both ankles just to give yourself the illusion that the shit is suddenly sliding out better. The difficulty with which it forces its way out makes your eyes water. You yelp out, moan, and groan --- not for pleasure, but for pain.
It's that kind of shit that while you're at it, you beg God for forgiveness and promise swear that you will never, ever, ever disobey His word again, that you'll go to church three times a week, that you'll become a better worker in church, and that you'll evangelize His goodness to the world.
It's the kind of shit that has everybody in the house spitting and saying, "Hmm! Tufia kwa!" as they walk around. They ask, "What did you do in that toilet? It stinks!" It's the kind of shit that stinks so bad that you don't even bother using an air freshener. Why bother? When you get up from the commode and stir back at the object of your misery, you are filled with shock, confusion, excitement, and trepidation. A fleeting thought passes by: maybe you should take a picture and put it on Twitter. Those folks would love to see anything. You quickly dismiss the thought.
I call it the vampire shit. Have you ever had that kind of shit?
No?
Me neither. Just thought I'd ask.
It's the kind of shit that has everybody in the house spitting and saying, "Hmm! Tufia kwa!" as they walk around. They ask, "What did you do in that toilet? It stinks!" It's the kind of shit that stinks so bad that you don't even bother using an air freshener. Why bother? When you get up from the commode and stir back at the object of your misery, you are filled with shock, confusion, excitement, and trepidation. A fleeting thought passes by: maybe you should take a picture and put it on Twitter. Those folks would love to see anything. You quickly dismiss the thought.
I call it the vampire shit. Have you ever had that kind of shit?
No?
Me neither. Just thought I'd ask.
19 comments:
That's the kind of Vera's shit whose smell triggers the fire alarm. SMH. They'll soon send you out of that house.
LMAO @ no pt of using the air freshener ...good one...
Vera, shit sha...thats the topic you have found worthy this morning? & no, i dont hold my ankles to force anything out, what if the WC breaks, how do you stop from falling & hurting yourself?
lmao!!!!!!!! how come its a NO, yet u describe it so perfectly....huh????????
lol @ It's the kind of shit that has everybody in the house spitting and saying, "Hmm! Tufia kwa!" as they walk
Vera- d- shitter
God knows we all know you could only be giving that much graphic description of vampire shit from experience. ......no body is saying anything
I hope it went well for you
Eww vera pls its "Poop" NOT "shit". Plus this post is too graphic... there should be a disclaimer at the top.
Lol...Are u sure u havent had that kind of shit before????
vampire ish - heard of one that made the air flammable, some kid actually got burned in the whole brown aura thingy...
heard of one of those?
yeah yeah, u r just wondering. we all know this was inspired by emperical knowledge.
na vampire shit catch ur fancy today?? i dey pray for u everyday to have renewed "Vision"!
theres definitely a TMI wave that has hit blogosphere of late lol (i wasnt immune to the bite either)
wow that must be something.........vampire shit that makes you to call out to God our creator to forgive all outstanding sins with ass gingerly perched on the commode.......uhm yea. vera that must be something, have no idea what that feels like. hope not to in the future ;)
Ah...I will confess...Just this morrin I had that kain sh*t. And i had to lie down for about an hour to recover from that episode! lmao
Yes, I have had episodes with vampire shit. I take off all my clothes, turn off anything that makes a sound, turn off the lights and proceed. That kain shit that when it's coming out, it just seems like it's stuck in the butthole and you only realize it's out when you hear the thump in the commode. The kain shit that makes you not quite dread giving birth 'cause surely, giving birth can't trump the pain of vampire shit. Yes o, I don jam am.
It's the name that gets me, Vampire shit, LWKMD! I think we had another name for it when I was gowing up but I've forgotten it now.
Veraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is not the post I expected to read after a long self-imposed absence! I do know what you are talking about though.
And you have had one before, I remember the picture you sent to Busola and Funmi, poor Busola saw hers while eating! Naughty you. Good to see that some things never change.
Abeg Vera has had the shit. Infact the post was inspired by her early morning vampire shitness. Pele Vera, we get it.
Anonymous: Hahaha at sending me out of the house.Say wetin happen?
Skinny Hipster: It's true oh! There's really no point using the air freshener. If the air freshener could talk, it'd say, "Girl, please!"
Baroque: LOL @ finding shit worthy of writing about in the morning. It's just as worthy in the morning as it is any other time of the day. Per falling down, you make it sound like you'll be falling from upstairs. No be toilet again?
DownTheAisle: Honestly, I don't know oh!!! Hmm! The fact that I wrote so perfectly about it because God blessed be with the gift of written gab.
Afronuts: I don't know what you're talking about! I have never had that kind of shit before. Stop accusing me falsely biko.
Nutty J: Not me. They all stink for me. The vampire shit stinks a lot more. I think it has had more time to stay inside my body and decay. That said, I have, of course, never had vampire shit before *coughs*
Olufunke: Me, the shitter? Funke, mind yourself oh! I have told you people that I did not write this from experience. I wrote this from ehm... imagination.
C.O: See you!!! Poop not shit ko. Keep telling yourself that. You're one of those people that act like you don't shit ehn? Na so!! It is SHIT!!! Oh, and oopsie about the disclaimer. LOL.
Ibukun: Yeap. Too sure. Me, vampire shit? Never!!!
AfroSays: Hahahahahaha. Biko, you people will not kill me with laughter oh. Flammable ke? But wait oh! Is fart actually flammable? If the fart weren't so close to my skin, I'd totally experiment.
Anonymous: Tell me abourrit! :-)
PaOsin: Oh, you were anonymous. Oopsie. Didn't know.
Omotee: Hahaha. Sharrap! There's nothing wrong with my vision. That said, please do keep praying for me.
Formerly Stealth Reader: You don't know what that feels like for real? How's that even possible??? The thing about the vampire shit is, when you're done, there's this huge wave feeling of relief that comes over you. And you swear that you're now lighter. Of course, you are.
Sisi Yemie: Hahahaha. That's the spirit! It felt good afterwards, didn't it? Not that I've experienced it oh! ***gulp***
Lily: In fact, you have hit the nail on the head! The last time I experienced vampire shit, I was on the phone with Funmie. I had to tell her that I'll call her back because I needed my full concentration to push the little deviant out of me. E no easy oh! LOL.
Myne Whitman: Really? LOL. Well, I call everything that deviates what I consider normal to be 'Vampire - ish' lol.
LusciousRon: Buhahahaha. You still remember that? LOL!! The girl is still scared of opening picture messages from me. She always thinks it's a picture of my shit. She needs to get over that already. Besides, the picture wasn't so bad anyway. lol.
BDON: Thank you for your sympathy oh! But me, I have not experienced it.
the steamy one is the scariest, the one that comes out so hot that when it hits to cool water the reaction creates condensation on your bum...
Surprise Kakka is my fav.
1. GHOST KAKKA:
The kind where you feel the kakka come out, but there is no kakka in the toilet.
2. CLEAN KAKKA:
The kind where you kakka it out, see it in the toilet,but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. WET KAKKA:
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won’t ruin them with stains.
4. SECOND WAVE KAKKA:
This happens when you’re done kakka-ing and you’ve
pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize
that you have to kakka some more.
5. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD KAKKA:
The kind where you Strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
6. LINCOLN LOG KAKKA:
The kind of kakka that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet
brush.
7. GASSY KAKKA:
It’s so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
8. DRINKER’S KAKKA:
The kind of kakka you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid
marks on the bottom of the toilet.
9. CORN KAKKA:
The kind of kakka where the corn look like raisins in
a muffin.
10. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-KAKKA KAKKA:
The kind where you want to kakka but all you do is
sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
11. SPINAL TAP KAKKA:
That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear
it was leaving you sideways.
12. WET CHEEKS KAKKA
(The Michael Schumacher Kakka):
The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get
splashed with water.
13. THE DANGLING KAKKA:
This kakka refuses to drop in the toilet even though
you are done kakka-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
14. THE SURPRISE KAKKA:
You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure
you are about to fart, but *oops* — a kakka!
Now u know what ‘kakka’ is…..and what type your kakka is…hehehehehe!!! (Shit!)
http://chanelno5.wordpress.com/2008/11/08/kaka/
Post a Comment