Confused Rice

Has anyone ever eaten "confused rice"? Before you get as confused as the rice, lemme explain what the confused rice is.

I was hungry this afternoon and decided to cook some rice. I was gonna cook some fried rice, but I didn't have vegetables. I couldn't cook some stew because I didn't have tomato, and I didn't feel like cooking red (jollof) rice either. So what did I do? I decided to experiment.

I had two sets of meat. Fried and cooked. The cooked one was mixed with some pepper. The rice was initially fried, then I added some red pepper and some spice. And I chopped the fried meat into pieces too and put it in the rice. Bottom line, I cooked some rice - it was a little bit red and a little bit fried. But it was totally - ugh, wat's the word? Let's Verastic.

So anyways, the rice tastes great! Since it doesn't fit into any category, I'll call it the confused (Verastic) rice. It's like a half cast rice. It's got a little bit of everything. But after cooking, I didn't feel like eating it anymore - does that happen to you? I'm just gonna eat a mango after posting this and call it a night.

So you want some of my rice?

The Prestige - see preview HERE
Yesterday, I went to the movie theatre with Funmi, Uju, Ibukun, and 'S'. First we had dinner @ AppleBees and I was sooooo flippin mad. The food sucked! Then we went to the movie theatre to see The Prestige. 'S' fell asleep (and even started snoring sef) about five minutes after the movie started. Funmie later fell asleep too. The movie was two hours and 15 minutes long. Uju and I thought it was a great movie. It has unexpected twists and turns, which is always a good thing, you know.

Anyways, personally, I loved the movie. I think it was a pretty good movie, but Funmi and her dumb self only likes simple movies. Movies that have to do with romance, drama... everyday simple stuff.






Hugh Jackman
Another thing I loved about the movie is the fact that my boo, Wolverine from X-Men (Hugh Jackman) is in it. Gosh, he is soooooooo flippin sexxxy!!! I'm always findin some1 sexy, huh? I can't help it jare. God has just made soooo many sexy people. The world is a sexxxy world!

Hugh has a new movie coming up called The Fountain (see preview HERE). The man is just too sexy jare.










Movies I'd Like 2 See

Happy Feet (watch preview HERE) - Is there anything wrong with me wanting to watch Happy Feet? It's an animated movie about dancing penguins. It comes to theatres on the 17th of November. Why on earth wouldn't I wanna see it??? Did I mention that Hugh Jackman is one of the voices? Yay!!! Ooooh, can't wait!

The Nativity Story (watch preview HERE) - this is a movie about the birth of Jesus Christ, and it comes to theatres on December 1st

Apocalypto (watch preview HERE) - This is a movie directed by the one and only Mel Gibson. If history repeats itself, this movie would be great!... just like The Passion of Christ. He's a great director, and I am confident that he would do a good job once again. This movie hits theatres on December 8th

Deja Vu (watch preview HERE) - the name of the movie obviously gives the theme away. It's starring another sexy man, Denzel Washington. It comes to theatres on the 22nd of November.

Striking Resemblance or Busola's Insanity??

Do Bob Manuel Udokwu and Dakore look alike???





















My best friend, Busola, is absolutely sure that Dakore looks like a dude. In fact, to be more specific, she said she looks like a female Bob-Manuel Udokwu. And with make-up on, she looks like a drag queen. Busola does not believe that Dakore is ugly; she thinks she okay-looking, but she still looks like a dude.

Honestly speaking, I kinda see a lil resemblance between them. However, my problem with Dakore is not that she looks like a female Bob-Manuel, but rather that she won the Best Actress award here in Maryland, USA. Some months ago, some kinda Naija awards thing was held here in Maryland (you know Maryland people like feelin'), and Dakore won Best Actress. What da hell?!

If it weren't for Busola mentioning her striking resemblance to Bob-Manuel a few months ago, I woulda never even know the chic's name. I wouldn't consider her an A-List celeb; abi am I just ignorant of her achievements? So I'm wondering how she won the best actress award. I mean, who was she competing against? Herself? What happened to Stella Damasus, Chioma Chukwuka, Genevieve, Omotola, Oge Okoye, etc? Where were they when Dakore won? Anyways, lemme not talk too much. Those people that gave the awards musta been smoking some la la la la. That is the only plausible explanation I can come up with. Either that or her father paid them huge money, and she was the only one who wasn't shooting five or six movies @ the time.

So anyways, the issue of Dakore came up today because Busola was reading someone's blog, and in it, the girl mentioned that she went for Dakore's birthday party, and that Dakore was really pretty. That was how Busola went off the deep end o! Homegirl was cussin in my ear, "no the f*ck she's not pretty! She looks like a dude! Why will this girl lie? She's just kissin' her ass. Dakore ain't f*ckin pretty blah blah blah". I couldn't stop laughing. I had to tell her to take a deep breath and relax.

Needless to say, she does not think that Bob-Manuel is ugly. She just doesn't think we need to have a male and female version - especially if the female version still looks like a dude.

So what do y'll think: Striking resemblance? Or just Busola's insanity showing it's ugly head?

p.s. I have been instructed (by Busola) to clarify what I meant in my previous post when I said she could be a real bitch. I meant (and still mean) that she can have a bitchy attitude. I think Joel's comment may have lead Busola to believe that Joel thinks she is a bitch who sleeps around...instead of one who is just a bitch. Yeah, drama, right? I know.

Night Y'll.

I've got a new Bible (Women of Faith) that is calling my name. Oh, the colorful pages! Can't wait to go highlight some more verses. Yippee!

Men Really DO Love Bitches

If I wasn't sure before, now I know for sure that men DO love bitches. Hopefully not all of them. And for those of them that say they do not love bitches, the fact is that they do; they just don't know it yet. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

If you're wondering why I have chosen to talk about men and their disturbing love for bitches, it is because yesterday I had an incident, and I am pissed! No, no, no, more like fed up. Yeap, that's what it is. I am fed up.

In the description of my blog (right below the title), I promised to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but I also did say I might not tell the whole story. So right now, I am not telling the whole story, but I am telling the truth.

It has occured to me that men seem not to be able to deal with "nice" women. I mean, sure, they say they want a nice woman, but what they really want is a woman who will be a bitch. They want a woman who will be a challenge and make them sweat for everything. They need a woman who will not give a shit about him, and not do anything special for him. Why? Because even if she does do something nice/thoughtful/romantic for him, somehow, it will be misinterpreted into something else. Somehow, he will end up hanging the phone up on her. He will tell her she has never done, and does not do now anything 'special' for him. Sure, she might have taken time to do this special thing (or rather, this thing that she thought should be considered special), but hey, what about that other time that he did something special - when was it, one, two, three years ago???

Aaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!! I'm pissed. Can you tell?

I need to become a bitch. I need to become Busola. Hahaha. She's gonna kill me if she reads this. Seriously, Busola can be a real bitch when she needs to, and sometimes, I really wish I could be like her. Well, it's not too late, I guess.

I've been listening to R. Kelly's When A Woman's Fed Up. It's a really nice song. I've always loved it, and what better time to listen to it?

Click HERE to see the video.
Click HERE to read the lyrics.

So....what are you pissed off about/fed up with today?

Ignorance Should Be Illegal

I'm in that mood. It's not a bad mood. It's not a good mood either. I don't know what to call it. I guess I could call it the I-don't-feel-like-doing-this-right-now-but-I-don't-know-what-else-to-do mood. Yeap, that's the mood I'm in.

Yesterday, I went to Washington D.C. with Busola (for her Uncle's 50th birthday celebration). It was a big party; lots of guests, lots of food, and lots of fools. Honestly speaking, my primary motivation for going 2 that party is that Frank's (Busola's fiance) mom was the caterer @ the event, and from experience, I know her food is da bomb!

Before we went, Busola and I agreed that we would NOT be picking any money o! Anyways, as soon as we gat there, Busola dragged me around the whole hall greeting this person and that person. Did I mention I had to kneel down? In my brand NEW guinea lace skirt o! I actually have no problem kneeling to greet, but abeg, I get limit now ah ah. After a while, I was like, forget this, I'm not kneeling anymore. In fact, I'm not greeting sef. Are they going to wash my skirt for me? *Hisses* It's not like I even knew these people sef.

I was wearing a blue guinea lace skirt with a white open-back blouse (although I had a black zip-down sweater on the whole time). And I had a big blue damask on my head. And you know how those scarfs feel; they always feel like they're one minute away from falling down. So I could see from the looks on some people's faces that they were tryna figure me out. Is she Nigerian? Akata? Some other African country? Nigerian born here? What???

Can you believe that Busola went & started picking $$. Frank and I were just talking about it oh, and then the next thing, Frank's mom gave me a box, and told me to please help Busola out. I didn't even get 2 finish my rice. So I went to the front 2 help her, but I was only counting the money, and giving change; I refused to pick the money for three reasons:

1. I had a big scarf on my head and I could not risk doing anything that would throw it off.
2. The heels on my shoes were HIGH. One wrong move and my ass woulda been flat on the ground.
3. The camera man of Xpression Magazine was there taking pictures, and I could not let myself be photographed in the moment of perpetual embarrassment...if my scarf had fallen off, or if I had missed a step and fallen on my ass. Or worse case scenario, if both had happened. *SHRIEKS*

One guy told me I looked beautiful and that he liked my outfit. I said thanks and just kept on moving. One has to try to avoid eye contact with certain people in order to avoid certain conversations that will lead to certain people (AKA Vera) to being very pissed.

When they (guests) temporarily stopped dancing, I was looking for a glass to have some cider when some buffoon literally pulled me outside to talk some rubbish.
Man: *speaking Yoruba*
Me: I don't speak Yoruba
Man: You don't speak Yoruba? But you have a gele (scarf) on your head
Me: Your point being??
Man: You said you don't speak Yoruba now
Me: *seriously giving him a mean look* Isn't the scarf an African attire?
Man: Ok. Well, can I have some change?
Me: I don't have any change; we have to wait for people to throw the money first.
Man: Ah ah, why now? Okay, take this $100 and give me change when they start dancing.
Me: I cannot take the money from you. You'd have to come to the front for change
Man: Okay. But where are you from?
Me: I'm Nigerian
Man: Ah ah! But you said you don't speak Yoruba
Me: *irritated* *shouting/yelling* IS YORUBA THE ONLY TRIBE IN NIGERIA???
Man: Okay, so where are you from?
Me: I'm Igbo
Man: Ooooh Ok!! *smiling* You're a very beautiful gal o! See me before you leave; we have to talk.

Yeah right!! Obviously, he didn't know that talking to him was putting me @ risk for committing a homicide. Won't I kill that kind of that man if I have to have another conversationg with him?

There was this other guy that was counting money with me. He musta thought I was akata or something cause every time he talked to me, he changed his accent to be more American (not that it sounded good)...even though I had heard him blowing some hard core Yoruba o! He finally asked for my name and I told him 'Vera'. Of course, my name did not aid him in placing my nationality/tribe. I was in no mood to offer a helping hand either.

Finally, some drunk man said he wanted to take me on a date and marry me. Can you imagine he said that rubbish to me with his funky breath?! The man reeked of alcohol; you'd have thought he took a bath in a tub of alcohol. I touched his wedding ring to remind him of his marital status, and guess what he said? He said "It's just a ring, and I can take it off if you want me too." Ehn?! Hmm, you shoulda seen the speed @ which I stood up and left him. What if his wife was somewhere around? Or maybe one of his wife's friends?? Then next thing, the wife would beat me up over a drunk moron. Abeg oh. If I must be beaten up for any man, can I at least be somewhat interested in him?

Needless to say, I was glad when it was all over. By the time I was walking back to the car, I was walking like a zombie because my feet were pinching me. The fact that my quadriceps were hurting real bad (from my gym class) was not helping @ all. That gym lady gat me for real. I didn't feel the pain of that work out till I gat to the party.

I suffered o! But what hurts me the most is that I didn't finish my rice!!!

So how was your weekend sha?

Every Woman - Chapter 2 Has Been Published

Whew!!!

At last, I have completed and published Every Woman - Chapter 2. Click HERE to read it. I went to bed really late (thanks to Calabar Gal for putting that 'what type of blogger are you?' thing on her blog. I took the test, and decided to take every other test on the site. Silly me. I forgot I had to be up early this morning. Anyways...)

I'm really sleepy right now, so I was this close to just going to bed and publishing it when I wake up, but I thought about London Buki and her threats...not that I am afraid o! Besides, Omoruyi said I should cut off all blogging until I complete and finish the 2nd chapter.

I have not even sent it to the other websites that publish my stuff cause I'm sleepy, and it's too much wahala jare. I made this one shorter than chapter one cause I know it's not easy to sit and read a long epic.

*Happy Reading....*

Don't forget to give me feedback and constructive criticism. I'm off to bed. I'll wake up in a few hours.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IBUKUN: I hope you have a very lovely day. I'll be expecting my gift later. Oh wait, I'm the one who is supposed to give you a gift right? Well, who says you can't give me a gift too? Personally, I think I should receive a gift on the 14th of every month (since my birthday is January 14th), but people are just too stingy to give me gifts on the 14th of each month. I mean, am I asking for too much? Ibukun is one of my closest friends, so I feel compelled to wish her a happy birthday here. By the way, if y'll care to know, I was the first to call her 12:00 AM to wish her a happy birthday. My record of being the first one to call on people's birthday has remained unbeaten. C'mon now, I'm da best. Who do you think tell's Jesus Happy Birthday first on his birthday? Yeap, that's me!

Ciao!...... see you this evening.

Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HENRY!!! - Today is the birthday of a special friend, Henry in Ireland. Happy birthday oh, and I pray God grants you all your heart's desire(s), Amen. Keep being your sweet self.

KEMI'S BIRTHDAY - Remember I told you I had to attend the 10th birthday of Busola's sister, Kemi? Funmi and I were in charge of 'entertaining' the children, and believe me, it was not easy @ all. Tryna gather those kids together was an impossible task. But it was fun anyways. The kids did their musical chairs, and we the grown-ups sef were not ashamed to take a turn @ the musical chairs. And I am proud to announce that I, Vera Ezimora am the WINNER OF THE MUSICAL CHAIRS. Hip! Hip!! Hip!!!..... Hurray!!! If you're interested in seeing the pictures from the party, click HERE

EVERY WOMAN - CHAPTER 2 - The second chapter of Every Woman is almost done. I will put it up tomorrow at its latest. I'll finish it up today and edit it, so by tomorrow, y'll can see it. I hope you like it. Chapter 2 is about Moremi (but that's all the info I'm willing to give ya... ha!!).

PLANE CRASH IN NAIJA - Another plane crash in Naija??? I didn't even bother reading the details of the crash. Not because I do not care to know, of course, but because it is just too sad for me to read. More lives have been wasted.

REESE WHITERSPOON & RYAN PHILLIPE - After seven years of marriage and two kids, the couple has finally called it quits. I'm disappointed. I really had high hopes for them, but I guess after the Jen and Brad split, I shoulda known anything was possible. They're such a cute couple, but I guess a marriage needs a lot more than cuteness to be sustained. Nawa o. When they say US has a 50% divorce rate, I don't think the statistics include celebrities because they seem to have a 70% chance of being divorced. Unfortunately, the innocent children will suffer it most.

WHITNEY HOUSTON - So she is finally coming back to her senses? Thank God oh. I heard she is recording her new album (no doubt it would rock!). I don't know if her husband has been the one holding her down, but I am glad she is feeling better and on her way to complete recovery. Wonder what Bobby Brown is up 2.

I'm off to bed for a nap. When I wake up, I'll complete Every Woman - chapter, so drop in tomorrow to read it. Thanks y'll!

Clarification, Please???

THE EXORCIST

I just watched The Exorcist again. This is still the 1973 movie, but the version never seen. That is, before it came on DVD, of course. Click HERE to see the preview.

Anyways, I am confused. I was really young when I first saw this movie, and @ that time, all I understood was that Regan was possessed.

I saw the movie with wonderful date (AKA my mom), and we both understood the movie differently. Remember the Priest, Damien? Well, his mother died @ some point and before she did, she kept saying, "why you do this to me, Damien?" When Regan was possessed, one of her voices was the voice of his mother.

There were two priests involved in the exorcism, and the older priest died (killed by Regan). Damien came in and got so mad that he started hitting Regan, and then he became possessed, or at least, I think he did, and threw himself out of the window.

Mom's understanding: He was possessed all along. He killed his mother, killed the older priest, and was the cause of his mother's death.

My understanding: I don't understand it at all.

My Question now: Was Damien REALLy possessed? Did he really kill his mother and the older priest? What was the end (him throwin himseld outta d window) really about? Abeg, I need explanations b4 I lose it. I've watched enough confusing movies (no offense to Silent Hill - watch the preview HERE)

HORROR MOVIES

How do y'll feel about horror movies? Personally, I don't mind, but horror movie get level abeg. I don't mind watching something like The Exorcist, or something with a lotta suspense, but I draw the line when it comes to a movie where someone goes on a killing spree. I don't like movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre (preview HERE) and SAW III (preview HERE).

Uju wants to get me to go see SAW III with her, but I already told her she has lost what is left of her mind. That's if she had any mind to start with sef.

CRAZY UJU

Speaking of Uju, on thursday, she sent me a text saying, "did I tell you that I found a grape seed in my shit?"

For goodness sake, abeg make una tell me, why the the hell would I care to know? I was sleeping when she sent the text, but I heard it and woke up. I read the text, hissed, and went right back to bed.

Then about 30 minutes later, she sent another one, "When is my period supposed to be here?"

I replied her and told her the date she was supposed to get her period (and boy was I accurate! Next time I'd give her a wrong date, so she can get a not-so wonderful surprise). Then I asked her if she ate the seed the found in her shit.

She replied, "It was just the seed; I wonder how come I did not chew the seed completely. Guess I will never know. You know this means thorough inspection of every molecule of shit that comes out of my body. I might need extra hands, so ask around for interested candidates."

Okay everyone...you know how small a grape seed is, right? Well, can you imagine how close she had to be to her shit to notice a flippin' grape seed?

Anyways, I am extending Uju's invition to everyone. So if you're interested in giving her a helping hand in inspecting every molecule of shit, then please, do send me an email, which I would forward to her unroyal highness.

Tomorrow, I would be attending the birthday party of Busola's baby sister. She turns ten. I'll try my best 2 take pictures, and hopefully make a video. If I do, you'd be first to see it.

That's it for tonight.

Be back tomorrow...... or next

Introducing....Joaquim Ezimora!!

Some months ago, I blogged about the birth of my nephew, Joaquim. Click HERE to read about him and his poppy, my dear cousin, Uzo. Anyways, Here are the pictures of my lovely, lovely, lovely nephew. He was born on the 7th of July 2006.

Joaquim says, "Oh, you're touching my funny bone. You're touching my funny bone, Mom!"
Look @ his teethless mouth! Gosh, babies are the best definition of perfection. Perfect lives, no worries. I'm so sad I haven't beheld this beauty face 2 face (He lives all the way in Luxembourg) *sniffles* Joaquim looks like his daddy, so he's a proper Ezimora kiddy.

Watch out ladies! This one will steal many hearts.

Errr, London Buki, Calabar Gal, Beautifully Human, Overwhelmed Naija Babe, Diamond, and Kokoro Ewa.... sorry, but you're not really his type. He likes em young!


He says, "Yes, Mom, you ARE beautiful...and I DO love ya!"

Sorry Uzo (my cousin), but it's his mommy touching him right now!

Look @ those eyes... those are the eyes of love. Those are the eyes that future young gals would look into and fall head over heels in love.

But they have 2 go thru me first!





Joaquim says, "Seriously...what are you doing???"

Don't mind them Joaquim, they think you're too lil to think for yourself. If only they knew...!

Oh, Joaquim, I'm so sorry that I haven't met you. But when I do, we're gonna have LOTS OF FUN! Cause I am your cooooool aunt, Vera. Don't forget o!

Jeez....can't believe Lil Uzo (Joaquim's dad) is a father! How time flies! I remember when Ll Uzo was in high school.



Later Y'll!

Until tomorrow......

Dream of me tonight........yeah right!

My Weekend

As I type this, I am literally falling asleep. But I just wanna update y'll on my weekend - nothing spectacular though

SATURDAY

Yesterday, my aunt said she was coming to my house for me to do her hair, and she said she was coming with her four yr old son. Next thing I knew, she was there with her son, her other sister, and her mother. (By the way, my aunt and her sister are both mom's younger sisters and their mom - my grandma is mom's mom, of course). Before they came, I had spent all morning cleaning my house down; it was sparkling clean! Soon as I saw my aunt and her batallion, I just knew my house would never be the same.

When my lil cousin started eating the pizza they came with, and I saw the tomato on the couch, I was about to lose my mind! I was about to have a mental heart attack! I kept on picking crumbs of food everywhere. Shit, I was going crazy on the inside.

The day turned out to be not so bad; we watched Naija movies and laughed our hearts out. But that didn't change the fact that I had a whole lotta cleaning to do though. I had to vacuum the house again! By the way, the first thing my cousin did to mess up the house was pee on the toilet seat. Wat rubbish! I had just wiped it down with pine sol. It was as fresh as pine sol itself. And then he pee'd on it. You shoulda heard me giving him a piece of my mind. He knew not to pee on the toilet seat. Well, next time he comes, I'm sure he'll remember.

SUNDAY

Mom and I drove to grandma's house (I was driving) and we fought all the way. She doesn't like the way I drive, and I don't like the way she drives - so go figure. Church was supposed to start at 12pm and we called grandma @ 9am to let her know we were coming. When we got to grandma's house, it was almost 11am, and grandma had just gotten outta the shower. By the time she was ready to go, it was 11:15am. As we were about to leave the house, she decided she wanted to change because the outfit she was wearing was her "christmas outfit" (called so because it's her newest lace from my mom).

While mom and I sat in the living room (with mom swelling up like a balloon), a commercial on TV bout some lil recorder thingy came on. You use it for voice memos....and it costs $19.99.

I thought it was pretty stupid, so I said, "Yeah right! What stupid person would order that?"
Then I turned around and saw my mom scribbling the number down

........Well, there goes my answer! Who knew it'd be so close to home?

Needless to say, she and I immediately burst out laughing.

After church, we went to see this Igbo family that just had their first baby (a girl named Chioma) five weeks ago. The father's nose was outstanding! It was that kinda nose you wouldn't wanna be stuck in an elevator with because it would suck up allll the oxygen! His nose was mighty....errrr.... wat's da word -- mighty???

And guess what? His daughter has the nose too! Well, one thing is for sure---she won't ever be out of breath! I just hope she doesn't get a hold of anyone's ventilator. But she IS beautiful though. We (including the wife/mother) were all cracking jokes on the father and his daughter. The mom said as soon as she got to hold her baby (after giving birth to her), the first thing she looked @ was her nose, and as soon as she saw the father's nose on the daughter, she was like... "Hey, this gal! What did I tell you? I told you not to have his nose!" Well, maybe the womb is soundproof???

....That's it for saturday & sunday

EXTRAZ

I changed my template...as y'll have noticed. I did it all by myself...YAY! However, AZUKA helped me with some stuff too. Thanks a lot, Azuka. You're da best! He's my blog's errr gynaecologist.

My last post about my mom reminded me of the time I blogged about my embarrassing moment. Click HERE to read it

All done...... See y'll tomorrow!

The Silly Things We Do (1)

This story isn't actually about me; it's about my dear mom. It happened about four years ago, I believe.

We (my family & I) had gone for some Naija occasion (can't remember wat the occasion was), and my mom saw some lady, who she believed she knew. So she walked up to the lady and said, "Hey, Ify!"

But the lady was giving my mom one kind funny look sha, as if she didn't know who my mom was.

So... (by the way, this conversation took place in Igbo, which made it even funnier)
Mom: Ah ah, Ify, why are you looking at me like that? Don't you remember me?
Woman: *confused* Ugh, no, I'm sorry, I don't.
Mom: *perplexed* Ah ah, Ify, how can you forget me? You always come 2 my junior sister's house now; don't u remember?'
Woman: I do? Who is your sister?
Mom: Chi-------
Woman: Ah, I'm sorry oh, I don't remember you.
Mom: Nawa oh, well, how is Jasper? (Jasper is Ify's hubby)
Woman: Who?
Mom: Jasper, your husband now.
Woman: I'm not Jasper's wife
Mom: Yes, you are
Woman: No, I'm not
Mom: Yes, you are
Woman: No, I'm not
Mom: Ah ah, how can you say Jasper is not your husband? Don't you know your husband, Jasper?
Woman: Jasper is not my husband
Mom: Yes, he is.
Woman: No, he's not
Mom: Okay, lemme show you my daughter (me) so you can remember.

*mom comes to me with the woman following behind her*
Mom: Nne (mummy), look at Jasper's wife o! She says she doesn't remember us.
Me: Mom, that's not Jasper's wife
Mom: What are you saying?! This is Ify, Jasper's wife
Me: No, she's not. *pointing to the real Ify on the other side of the room* that's Jasper's wife over there
Mom: *looking from Jasper's wife to strange woman and back to Jasper's wife* Oh! Ewo! *turns to woman* My dear, adi'm very sorry (i'm very sorry)
Woman: *laughing* It's okay *walks away*

I couldn't stop laughing that day. What was even funnier to me was the fact that she was arguing with the woman and telling her she was Jasper's wife. Ah ah, na by force? Even if the woman had forgotten my mom, could she have forgotten her hubby too?

Of course, I've never stopped teasing mom about that cause it was soooo ridiculous. As soon as the woman said she wasn's Ify, that was mom's cue to walk away, but she had to stay and FORCE the woman to accept that she was Jasper's wife. And you know what? That woman didn't even look a bit like Jasper's wife. For starters, she was like half the size of Jasper's wife.

Oh mommy!

If indeed, I am crazy on some level, it is obvious that it's genetic. Next time, I'll talk of Dad. He's another character - the funniest man I know!

Night y'll. As you can see, it's rather late @ night.

We go yarn tomorrow!

Mental Rantings

MUSICAL CONDOMS http://www.gizmodo.com/assets/resources/2006/10/kondor.jpg

And I thought things couldn't get worse. Why the hell would some1 need a musical condom? It'd great 2 hear music while having sex, I guess, but why from down there?? I'm still tryna understand the use/need of glow-in-the-dark condoms, and now this?? What do the glow-in-the-darks do? Give the penis light to find it's way in the dark dungeon? I mean, in a dark room, all you'd see is.... a banana-shaped thing glowing in the dark. That's kinda scary 2 me.

Anyways....so the muscial condoms become louder as the sex becomes more passionate (if the people having sex are as loud as mu neighbours, then adding musical condoms would just be wicked 2 the neighbours!).

Apparently, it was invented by a Ukrainian called, Dr.Grigoriy Chausovskiy, but don't worry, you won't be electrocuted in the process of this condom singing (that's what he said).

So many thoughts r runnin thru my head (as usual): does this thing run on battery or electricity? I'm hopin it's not electricity sha cause I know electricity does not mate well with wet surfaces. And if it runs on battery, then wat kind? What if the battery gets in there and gets outta the condom and then gets lost inside the woman? That wuld be a new problem o!

Lastly, I have to wonder though: if for any reason, this condom becomes faulty and decides to electrocute, who will be most traumatized victim? The penis wearing it or the vagina in which the evil, evil condom is lodged?

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

I've been forgeting to mention the fact that I saw the movie, Employee of The Month on Saturday. And it was funny as hell. It was laugh out loud funny! I laughed so much I had tears running down my cheeks and my ribs were hurting. I'd recommend any1 to see it (if you're a comedy lover). I wasn't gonna seeit cause I don't like Jessica Simpson (as much as I used to) cause of the divorce from Nick. Of course, I'm sure Jessica doesn't give a rat's ass what some Naija gal in Maryland thinks about her, but oh well.

Needless 2 say, I think she is exceptionally beautiful. She has such a beautiful smile...am I the only one that thinks so?

Anyways, click HERE to watch the preview.













MY DATE WITH NOAH BENNET

My mother is obsessed with the daytime soaps on (Passions & Days of Ours Lives) on NBC. She almost goes 2 work late cause she's tryna catch one more minute. I used 2 watch Passions, but I quit cause they seem to not be going anywhere...@ least, not anywhere that I want them 2 go. And besides, the things they do are soooooooooo stupid! They make my skin crawl.

Anyways, for whatever strange and unknown reason, I dreamt about Noah Bennet on Passions, whose real name is Dylan Fergus as I just found out. Yeah, yeah, I know you were thinking it was a real date, but trust me, I'm wishing the same too!

The dream: I was sittin on a couch (don't know where this was) with Noah's head on my laps. I was playing with his hair and we were talking (can't remember wat we were talking about).
The he said, "I can take you on a date, can't I?"
I said, "Don't ask me if you can take me. Tell me you're gonna take me."

Then......MY MOTHER WOKE ME UP

SSHHHHIIIIITTTTTT

Don't u just hate when that happens??? She woke me up cause I had 2 go help my grandma take care of her three kids (that she babysits) while grandma goes 4 her eye doctor's appointment. And boy, did those kids piss me off! The youngest one (five month old baby) kept on crying and crying and crying. Soon as grandma came in, he stopped crying. Well, at least I learnt one thing from him: I'm definitely gonna need a maid!

Who knows what coulda/woulda happened between me and Noah/Dylan? (In the dream, I called him Noah - all the better to emphasize it wasn't real since it's not his real name *sad*). i coulda woken up this morning with his ring on my finger...who knows? I wanted 2 say I coulda woken up carrying his baby, but on second thoughts, that would be a real-life omen. How would I xplain that I got pregnant in my dream? Would that be considered an Immaculate Conception, or a demonic attack? I'm thinking it'd be called a demonic attack. http://www.nbc.com/Passions/photos/cast/images/c_fergus_1.jpg

Anyways, the point is, I think this Dylan guy is FINE!! Yes, I know I'm always talkin about fine guys, but what else is there 2 talk about? The ugly ones hardly leave any impressions (that are not sheer rage) on me. No offense to any ugly man out there, of course.


PHOTO BLOG

I have seen quite a few photo blogs, so I have been thinking bout having one of mine. But the thing is, I am not a professional photographer, neither do I intend to become one. And besides, I don't even know how to edit pictures and all that stuff. I'm sure I might be able 2 educate myself if I take the time out to play with it, but there is just so much else to do. Well, I'm still thinking about it. I'll decide some time.... some day...

That's it for today. We'll see again tomorrow.

Step & Sculpt

Hmmm, so today, Uju and I decided to go for a step & sculpt class in the gym. I thought, 'shebi it's steppin, how bad can it be?" Ah, it was bad o! That instructor wore us the hell out. She just kept on going...and going...and going...like a flippin energizer battery. Uju and I were physically and mentally disoriented. We had 2 do so many movies includin something called the riding horse. We rode d damn invisible horse so many times, I was about 2 lose it. I thought, if she makes us do one more riding horse ehn..!!!

I don't sweat easily, but you shoulda seen me. I was sweatin like I was in a Naija movie! (Seriously, has any1 noticed how they sweat in front of the cameras? I'm thinking the heat from the camera light is too much and the AC if off. Or the actors/actresses are REALLY nervous. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. But anyways...) I kept drinkin water like a fish, and it was never enough.

The thing was supposed to start @ 6:30PM but it didn't start till like 6:40PM. By 6:45PM, I was ready 2 quit. I just kept thinking, shit, we still have forty-five minutes to go. By the end of the class, I was delusional and suffering from a bad case of dementia. I could hardly remember my own name sef. Uju and I walked back 2 the locker room and sat on the bench for a while tryna recuperate...physically and mentally. In fact, I think I began to question God. I started asking, WHY GOD??? WHY ME? WHY?? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT'D BE THIS WAY? At a point, I started wondering if this exercise routine culd be reported 2 the government as cruel & unusual punishment (which is against the law as written in the constitution). But on the second thoughts, the punishment was self-inflicted, since I went there by myself.

Of course, one thing was clear after this class: we both ARE very, very unfit. You know being unfit goes beyond looks. One can be very large & yet very fit (like those footballers. By football, I mean American football, not Soccer). And one can be skinny and not be any where close to the FIT radar. Well, I'll make it a point 2 go 2 the gym more often (it won't hurt to be able to kick my husband's ass when needed LOL). I wanna take all their classes at least once.

There is a class called STRIP HOP which consists of strip tease and hip hop. Hmmmm. Sounds edible. But lemme not talk 2 much b4 they get me like this damn step & sculpt rubbish gat me. Either way, I'd like 2 go and try it. By the way, in case you're wondering, no clothes come off in this strip tease. Trust me, I had 2 ask. It's one thing 2 walk around my house naked with the windows open (that way, I don't really know who is watching...if any1 is watching), but for me to willingly take my clothes off in front of people that are not inside the TV??? Ah, no oh, I no fit @ all.

Well, that's it for today sha. Until tomorrow, of course.

I've Been Tagged

Ah, this Bukki, you dey find my trouble o! You JUST had 2 tag me ehn? See me enjoyin a well deserved break from the blogosphere, and you no even allow me to come back b4 givin me work. Hmmm, ok o. Let the record reflect that Bukki has been warned o! One more offence and....in short, only God knows what I might do 2 her.

Needless 2 say sha, I was just havin some mad writer's block. No, it wasn't actually writer's block, but I was just too lazy 2 type.

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. McDonald's Cashier (this was my first job ever!)
2. Baby Sitter (feels a lot better if u have a cute baby)
3. JOY Magazine (columnist)
4. OK, I'm all out of jobs. Obviously, I'm not what you'd consider workin type. I hope 2 one day hit the lottery jackpot and/or marry a wealthy man.

FOUR FICTIONAL(ish)* JOBS YOU WISH YOU HAD
1. Sleeper - sleep all I want & get paid
2. Shoe Judge - try new shoes, judge them, keep them 4 free...and get paid while doing it
3. Cell Phone Judge - Get paid 2 try new cell phones (of course, I'll get to keep them & all their accessories)
4. Just have no job, but yet lack nothing financially

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN
1. Civil War (a Naija comedy)
2. Zeburudaya (not a movie, but I'll watch reruns without end)
3. Iche Okwu (not a movie either - it's an Igbo comedy that I could watch 4eva)
4. Friends (still not a movie, but I culd watch reruns 4eva)
*obviously, I'm not a watch-movie-over kinda person, but I can watch comedy series 4eva

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN
1. Leningrad, Russia
2. Jos, Plateau State, Nigeria
3. Maryland, USA
4. Ugh...I think that's all...

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
1. Girlfriends
2. Law & Order (SVU, CI, Original)
3. Smallville
4. Friends & Golden Girls
*Yes, I know I've mentioned 5*

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION/TRAVELED TO
1. Lagos, Nigeria
2. Atlanta, Georgia, USA
3. London (although I was really young, so now, I don't remember)
4. Hmmm, once again, I think I'm outta places. Damn, I need 2 go out more often

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY
1. A Whole Buncha Blogs
2. Yahoo.com
3. Gmail.com
4. Ebay (this is a recent obsession)

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS
1. Suya
2. Pounded Yam & Egwusi soup
3. Cooked Yam & Eggs
4. Isi Ewu

FOUR THINGS YOU WON'T EAT
1. Snails (I'm sorry but they look like vaginas!...and I refuse 2 eat them)
2. Lobsters
3. Crabs
4. Oysters
5. Shrimp
6. Octupus
7. Overcooked rice (ask my grandma 4 details)
8. Smoked Turkey
*oops, you said 4, right?*

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD EAT OR DRINK RIGHT NOW
1. Suya
2. Isi Ewu
3. Some typa sweet juice (anything pls! I need my sugar cravin satisfied b4 I lose it)
4. Gala (gosh, I hope they still make em!)

FOUR THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM
1. A desk/table (wateva u wanna call it)
2. Bed (obviously)
3. Laptop
4. Book shelf

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD IN YOUR BEDROOM
1. Loads more space (yeah, I agree with LondonBukki on this one)
2. A bigger closet
3. A secretary (LOL. Who's lookin 4 a job?)
4. A bottomless money safe with unlimited cash

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Long-sleeve t-shirt (blue)
2. Bra (white)
3. Panties (burgandy red) *yes, I know they don't match!*
4. Earings (silver)

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. In front of the suya aboki in Naija
2. At the mama put's joint waitin 4 my xtra large order of isi ewu
3. At the mercedes factory, waitin 4 them 2 finish buildin my custom-made flying car (keep wishin Vera)
4. In bed, receiving a massage from a very strong man, with very strong, LARGE hands

FOUR FICTIONAL PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
*wat is up wit all these fictional kweshionz sef?*
1. A restaurant I described in my novel
2. The ballroom where Cinderella met her prince charming
3. Krypton - Superman's planet
4. My bed - the one that defies all rules of gravity & floats on my bed

FOUR PEOPLE YOU’D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH
1. God, and all the people He has confisticated in Heaven
2. My late uncle, George
3. My Daddy
4. Oprah - maybe she can get me a book deal 2 publish my book

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW
1. I'm sleepy as hell
2. I need to get me a creamy cup of capuccino
3. I'll beat Bukki up when I see her (whenever, wherever, howeva that is!). I wish I could tag her answer this thing with different answers
4. Why have I been fartin so much 2day?

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS
1. My laptop
2. Cell Phone (the one I am about 2 buy)
3. My bed
4. My coffee

FOUR PEOPLE YOU TAG
1. Engineer Ayo
2. Diamond Hawk
3. Beautifully Human
4. Kokoro Ewa
5. Overwhelmed Naija Babe
*I had 2 tag every1 on my 'fav blogs' list. Calabar Gal & London Bukki, consider urselves lucky*

I'll be back tomorrow...I think. :))

STUFF

My Writing

I have been told that I may be "too out there" for our Naija brother with the things I write. While I may have considered this, I do not wish to be put in2 a Nigerian box. I wanna be known first & foremost as a writer. And as a write, I wanna write what would please majority of my readers. Though most of my characters are Nigerians, it is only because I am Nigerian...not because I only wanna have Nigerian readers. So far so good. Besides, charity begins @ home.

Crazy Gal

Busola, my best friend called my public fone & when she didn't get me, she left me a message. The gal don kolo finish o! Click HERE to listen to the message. I blogged about her some months ago when she got engaged. Click HERE to see a picture of her and her boo. This is how the stupid gal greets me everytime o...make una see for yourself the kind of crazy person I'm dealing with.

London Bukki

For whatever reason, this girl has been feeling like someone that can beat me o Make una go warn this gal o! And on top of that sef, she threatened that I put this on my site "Thank you so much LondonBukki cos without your gentle persuasion, I won't have had the courage to put it up". So I have posted it here 4 her sha...not that I'm afraid of her o! Ah ah, no be lil Bukki of yesterday? I still remember when I used 2 change her 'napkin' now. Okay seriously, thank you London Bukki.

Why???

Why do these spam/junk mail people feel the need 2 keep sending me all these 'Vera, enlarge your penis size', 'Vera, stay hard longer", 'Vera please her better in bed', 'Vera, make her scream', 'Vera increase your breast size', 'Vera increase your butt size', and 'Vera have the penis you've always dreamt of'. Always dreamt of? Since when??? Make una warn these spam people o! I have never wished, nor do I wish now to increase ANY part of my body - especially a nonexistent penis. And whoever "she" is, I don't wanna please "her" in bed. I'm quite fine with pleasing myself, thank you!

That's all for now. Hope y'll enjoyed my rantings. Until tomorrow.

Between Yesterday & Today

Forgot To Say....

First of all, I wanna apologize for not adding a very important info to yesterday's post. I forgot to give credit to Calabar Gal for helping me out with the Calabar names, and educating me on the difference between Akwa Ibom and Cross River. She gave me a lot of Calabar names to choose from...of which I chose Offiong and Ekanem (though Ekanem is not talked about till the next chapter). Thanks Calabar Gal!

I'm also thankful to my gal, Idara from Akwa Ibom who added more info for me. Thanks Idara.

Uju's Car Went Dead

Uju called me @ past 1am this morning to tell me her car had died on her way home. It needed to be jump-started but she didn't have a cable. So my mom and I went to help her out (mom has a jump-starter cable). Thank God she was only about a minute from her house (which is also close 2 mine: her house is a walking distance from mine). I was surprised Mom even knew how 2 jump start the car sef...considering the fact that she didn't know how to pop her hood. Finally, Uju's car started and she was able 2 drive it home. I didn't go there with my camera (which is usually in my bag), so I was forced to make do with my camera. That's mom's SUV by the left and Uju's car by the right. If you look closely, you'd see Uju somewhere between both cars with the jump-starter cable.

Weird News

I heard this on the news yesterday: A teacher has been accused of conspiring with her husband to steal the pee of the students in her school. Apparently, she gave her husband the key to the bathroom, which he used to force the lil boys to pee into some cup he had. Why did he do this? Honestly, I don't know. They haven't found out yet. Weird people.

Can We Go 2 Jail 4 This?

Uju and I went to the Grocery store today where we saw a fruit called Kiwano Melons, and they cost $3.99 each. Neither Uju nor I had heard of it, so out of curiousity, Uju opened one in half, and each of us tasted it. I don't know what it tasted like. It tasted kinda tasteless...in a bad way. We dropped it back there (you can see the open kiwano melon in the picture). Yea, I know it's bad, but Uju made me do it! I don't wanna mention the name of the store of course, just in case one of their workers find it, LOL. I could just see the headline now: NIGERIAN GIRL ARRESTED FOR TASTING AND DUMPING KIWANO MELONS THAT WEREN'T PAID FOR. (As if Naija doesn't have enough bad publicity already! Now, to go and add that we also steal Kiwano melons would be an absolute outrage!) This time I had my camera, but the batteries were dead, so once again, I was forced to use my phone.

I think that's it for now. Until tomorrow, of course. Thanks for all those that read Every Woman and contacted me (thru comments, emails, Yahoo! Messenger). I really appreciate it.

Nite Y'll!

As always, comments are not only welcome, but REQUIRED! :))

Every Woman - Chapter 1 Has Been Published!

Woooooo. Thank God I'm done with the story. For those that don't know, I am talking about the short story I've been writing. It started off being called I Must Be Married, and then I changed it to Woman Palava, and finally, I have changed it to Every Woman.

I almost changed my mind about publishing, but seeing as someone has threatened me, I decided I'd better post it today. I don't wanna mention the person's name, but it rhymes with London Buki.

Read the story HERE and please, please, please give me feedback. Personally, I think the story is longer than I wanted it to be, but I'll work on cutting the length for the next chapter.

There are other websites with the story (though they may not have published it yet) www.nigeriavillagesquare.com www.nigeriansinamerica.com www.nigeriaworld.com You can check them out if you wanna, but like I said, they may or may not have been published.

Don't forget the feedback: You have no excuse o! Email me: verastic@yahoo.com Leave comments...on this blog, or on the other blog www.veraezimora.blogspot.com or on both. You can also call me 443-834-7374, so as you can see, there is no excuse for not leaving comments (Funmie, don't even think of calling me for feedback. I want...or rather REQUIRE a written feedback from u).

P.S. Funmi, I'm still gonna blog bout you and K. Don't think I've forgotten. Maybe tomorrow.

Bye Y'll

Thanks 4 all your support.

Thank Goodness The Camera Broke

Soooooo it was just yesterday that I came cryin bout how mom broke the camera right? Well, I changed my mind. I'm glad she broke it.

Lemme tell you about this camera: neither me nor my mom is a professional photographer...or intending 2 become one in the nearest future. So the camera, which we bought from Sam's Club with mom's member card was a Casio 5.0 mega pixel camera. Nothing extraordinary, really.

My aunt convinced my mom 2 take the camera back 2 Sam's 2 see if they wuld take it back. I thought it was a fruitless effort (why would they take back a broken camera?). Let me just say that my aunt is the queen of returning stuff. Wal-Mart usually lets people return stuff even without a receipt, but my aunt has returned so many things that she has been banned from returnin stuff without receipts. Apparently, she has reached the limit. Who woulda thought Wal-Mart has a limit?

Anyways, my mom went back and tried 2 xplain 2 the customer service lady that the camera fell, but the lady cut my mom off, and said, "So do u wanna replace it?" I was stunned! So we sha went 2 the camera section 2 look @ the cameras where we realized that the one we had was no longer there. We decided to get another camera: a Samsung, 8.1 mega pixels.

Been playing with the camera ever since, and I am really loving it! I guess it's a good thing that the other camera got broken. I just hope my mother doesn't go crazy & break this one, knowing it would be readily replaced.

After we got the camera, my mother suggested we run out of the store before they realize the camera we gave them was broken. I wonder, won't our running out of the store call attention 2 us? Besides, since mom had 2 use her ID (cause she didnt have a receipt), I'm thinking, if they wanted 2 catch us, it really won't be a problem @ all. My mother is soooo dramatic.

**************************************************************

I heard this on the news today, and I thought it was funny.

Two mexican men workin @ McDonald here in Maryland were arrested today. Wat did they do? Two cops ordered cheese burgers and the mexicans decided to put marijuana in the burgers. How dumb was that? Good thing is the cops noticed the burgers tasted funny and decided 2 open it; thank God they did. Who needs cops high on weed running around the city with fully loaded guns? As if we don't have enough issues already

************************************************************

Meanwhile, I have changed the name of my short story again. It went from 'I Must Be Married' to 'Woman Palava', and now, I have changed it to 'Every Woman'. This is the thing with writing this sorta things; u have 2 keep changin the title until u reach the perfect one. The good news is that I'm done and will be posting it tomorrow, without a doubt. Bear with me, please.

I think that's all for today. I will post the story in the morning. I hope you all enjoy it and stay tuned for following chapters. I won't disappoint u.

Good Nite

New York

Where do I start?

Lemme start from Friday (although I went 2 NY on Sat): Uju and I were on the way to the mall and she was driving. Just as we pulled out of our street, one of those semi-massive trucks cut her off. Uju got mad mad and sped past him - after which she put her hand out of her window and gave the driver (a black man) her middle finger. Man got furious, drove past us, and came 2 the passenger's side (my side) where he kept drivin' next 2 us and cursing Uju (or maybe both of us) out. Uju, of course, kept giving him the finger - actually, it was both fingers now. I was just astonished. All I kept thinking was, "if this man pulls a gun out & decides 2 go crazy, I might be his first hit - considering the fact that he was on my side." But thank God 4 small mercies sha, he didn't go crazy on us.

Saturday: Mom rented a Dodge Durango. She always rents a vehicle when we're travelling. She says it's because she loves her SUV so much that she doesn't wanna put mileage on it. But I think she just loves renting cars. I wonder if Enterprise (the company she rents from) pays her. Anyways, it was me, my mom, my grandmom and my lil four year old cousin. This was a one-night trip, but somehow, the trunk of the SUV was so full that we had 2 put down the third-row seat 2 accomodate 4 the stuff my grandma brought along.

I knew from the beginning of this trip that I would be pissed. Maybe I jinxed myself, but I doubt it. Several things pissed me off: my mother's hard braking, my grandma's constant shout of, "Jesus!" every time my mother hit her brakes, my lil cousin's endless questioning, my mother's singing (her voice is outright terrible!), and my grandma believing that she knew the way 2 New York and could read the high way signs. She was confusing the hell outta me! So confused was I that we even't lost the way @ some point. And I guess the event of temporarily getting lost (by a few exits) was so traumatic for my grandma that she almost started crying. And 2 top it off, she suddenly needed 2 pee. Thank God we didn't have a case of incontinence due 2 stress. That wouldn't have been pretty.

So we got 2 NY. My mother kept taking some rubbish pictures of the kids - I dunno why. I kept on wondering the point of those pix; it wasn't like I was gonna waste a time printing them out. Next thing I know, mom drops the camera on the hard floor. It fell on its face, and now the almost $300 camera is no more. What a greeeaaaaat weekend.

My cell phone is still misbehaving. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it charges, sometimes it doesn't. I just kinda take it as a game. Sometimes it's annoying, and other times, I'm glad it isn't working. At least, I can have a legitimate reason 4 not calling some people.

One good thing did happen this weekend: I got to touch the hand of this really, hot white guy that works @ Enterprise. Yes, I know you're thinking, 'This Vera sef!", but trust me, this guy is hottt! I dunno wat it appealing about him - maybe his eyes, maybe his fine face - watever it is, I like it! How did I get 2 touch his hand? Well, he was tryna show my mom something in the SUV we rented when he dropped his Umbrella (it was drizzling). Being the nice gal that I am, I picked it up 4 him. When he tried 2 take it from me, our hands met. It was like nothing I had ever felt.

OK Vera, stop being dramatic. On a serious note, it was just like touching any other person's hands, but I like the fact that our hands touched. Hmmmm, who knows? One day I might bear his babies (his fine, beautiful babies that will look just like their mommy, of course) - if my father doesn't shoot his head off and lock me up 4 all eternity 4 bringing an oyibo man home. Yes, indeed my father is still old fashioned. But it's nice 2 dream anyway.

Sweet dreams everyone. Gotta go watch Girlfriends - they start the new episodes today.

Book Review: The Husband by Dean Koontz

I just finished reading Dean Koontz's novel, "The Husband", and I loved it! This is the first book of Dean Koontz I ever read, and I am ashamed of myself for not discovering him sooner. As I write this, I am listening to his podcast.

The Husband is about a garderner, Mitch, whose wife is abducted. While he was at work (gardening 4 one of his clients), he received a phone call telling him that his wife had been abducted, but he could have her back for two million dollars. Poor Mitch only had about eleven thousand dollars. Go figure.

This book is a definite page turner. At a point, I was so eager 2 turn the page that I even became scared of turning it...4 fear of what might be in the next page. I was a wreck reading this book - a good wreck, I mean. I am sooo fascinated by Dean Koontz. His way with words is beyond my comprehension. But what I like best about him is his sense of humor. He's good. He's great.

One part of the book I love is the love shared between Mitch & his wife, Holly. In one of Dean Koontz's podcasts, he says that the love he shares with his wife, Gerda is what inspired him to write about the love between Mitch and his wife, Holly. Believe me when I say 'this book is awesome!' Two thumbs up.

London Buki, I recommend you read this book. You're gonna love it; I have no doubt. I am currently listening to his podcasts. You can check it out if it interests you. He is sooo funny, and I am laughing my head off as I type this.



I am about to read another book of Dean Koontz called, "Odd Thomas". I took this book from my Uncle's wife in Atlanta last year July. But I have still not read it; shame unto me.

Since I am totally satisfied with "The Husband", I know I will love this too. Gosh, I need to give Dean Koontz a serious hug. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Vera, enough already!"

Alright enough.

I'm off to New York tomorrow. My mother and grandma are attending the 25th year anniversary of some relative of ours (I really don't know him; I've lost count of my relatives anyway. Wateva happened 2 family plannin??). Anyways, I really don't wanna go 4 the event, but my mom needs some1 2 read the map and give her directions. Hence, my reason 4 going. I won't go 4 the event itself, but I'll just stay in my Uncle's house. Thank God I've got a novel!

I won't be able 2 blog tomorrow because I am not going with my laptop (too much wahala abeg). So by not going with laptop, I won't be reachable on my public number - 443-834-7374. But if any1 does attempt 2 call, please leave a voicemail. I'll be back on Sunday, so hopefully, I'll be able to blog then. If not, see you Monday.

London Buki, good luck on your Run London thing. Tell us how it goes. My love and prayers go 2 mummy.

Good nite y'll. Gotta pack 4 tomorrow. I'm any where close to being a light traveller. I may be spending just one nite but you should see what I am carrying. I feel for my husband - whenever I marry said husband, of course.

OK Vera, go already!

Oh, one more thing; here's Dean Koontz's website: www.deankoontz.com

Stay Blessed everyone, and have a great weekend!

Imo Dialect Is Sooooo Sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy

I have been listening to this song from Sunny Bobo (I blogged bout it some dayz ago), and though I cannot fully understand everything he's saying, I just love the sound of it. Some days ago I blogged about it; actually it was an audioblog, and you can listen to it here

While the name 'Sunny Bobo' does not particularly turn me on or anything like that, I do love the words that flow out of his mouth. Something about the way the words are pronounced and the tune they carry just makes me miss Naija soooooo much. Makes me wanna go for an Igbo event with immediate alacrity.

If you dare, listen to the audioblog. It's not all that clear because I recorded it from my CD player through my phone, so it's not a clear, crisp sound. But enjoy anyway.

Speaking of audioblogs, did y'll get the email that starting Nov. 1st, audioblogger would no longer be available? I can't say I will particularly miss it since I have only used it once, but I will definitely miss the option of using it. Oh well.

Back to my talk about the Imo dialect being sexxy. I don't know about other languages, but I do know that Igbo has many different dialects. Even in one state alone, there are several dialects. So Imo definitely has a different dialect from my good ol' Anambra general dialect.

So now I have a mission: to find me a foine ass Imo man. Does any1 have any leads that may help a desperate Anambra gal find a foine Imo man? He doesn't have 2 do anything special for me. Let him just speak the language. That's all I ask. I'll take care of everything else. I'll even set our wedding date sef; all he has to do is show up that day and vow 2 marry me for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness & in health. While I vow to marry him as long as he speaks the language to me.

Yes, I know I've lost my good sense. But who hasn't???

The Quest 2 Find A Cheap Flight Ticket

I've been online for the past hour tryna find a cheap ticket to Atlanta, Georgia. My uncle invited me for a wedding on the 24th of October. And even though I do not know who is getting married, I really do not care to find out either.

I have visited every cheap-ticket-selling site I can think of, but none of them are cheap....at least, to me, they are not. I have visited PriceLine, Cheap Tickets, Orbitz, Travelocity, Student Universe, Last Minute, and Expedia, but my search has been futile. Or so it seems.

The cheapest I have found so far costs $322 (roundtrip) from Last Minute, but the problem is that the cost includes a rental car. I don't have the option of not renting a car. But I do not need a car for anything. I am only going for the weekend, and I will be staying in someone's house, so why must I have a rental car?? I guess purchasing a ticket from Last Minute isn't an option for me then.

The other offer is from PriceLine. The good thing about them is that I get to pick my price and they try their best to match it up the best they can. The problem is that I have to put my credit card info in and I am not guaranteed to get a ticket...especially at the price I put in. Now, by putting my credit card in, I am making a financial committment to PriceLine. But what if they do not find a ticket? That means I'm assed out basically. And what if I find a better deal somewhere? That would mean that I would have to cancel my plans with PriceLine, and you know they would definitely be chargin me for cancellation...and I bet the cancellation will be even more than the ticket price itself.

Oh gosh, I need a yoghurt. And granola bar.

Help please! (I mean with the ticket thing. Although I am open to receiving gifts in the form of yoghurt & granola)

On a serious note, does any1 know where I can buy cheap tickets that are actually cheap?

So Many Sites, Sooooo Little Time

There are sooo many sites out there for one to take part in. I remember when having an email address was the cool thing to do. But now, there are so many sites calling your name to join them. How does one find the time to keep up with all these sites? Personally, I think I have given up cause there is no way I can do it all.

I have three email address which I check regularly (and by regularly, I mean several times a day) and I have to reply their mails, of course. I have my public 'work' one @ yahoo. I have my personal one @ gmail. I have my other public one for the Naija group I run @ hotmail. It takes me hours to read the mails in all three inboxes and reply them all.

As if that's not enough, I have two blogs to update and check on everyday. Then I keep getting invitations to join other sites like MySpace, Hi5, FaceBook, etc. Ah, I don tire finish abeg. I can't keep up. I'm part of Hi5, but I really don't check it. I only check it when someone sends me a message.

There are also so many blog hosts out there! So far though, I still like blogspot better than all of them. But I think my least favorite one right now is Xanga. I don't like it because I cannot leave a comment unless I join them. But why would I wanna do something like that? Like I don't have enough wahala as it is already. Oh well. As it is, I don't think I can ever leave Blogspot sha. BY THE WAY, HAS ANYONE TRIED THE NEW BLOGGER IN BETA? I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. I'M SCARED OF SWITCHING TO IT CAUSE ONCE I DO, THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO THE FORMer (CURRENT) BLOGGER.

Video blogs seem to be the reigning thing huh? Even Google now has videos. Oga oh. These people want me to run mad with all these damn memberships. Don't they know I am only one person? Haba.

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I was listening to Whitney Houston's I will Always Love You today, and you shoulda heard me singin. I was really doing it o...even the high pitch. I was surprised my neigbors didn't shout, "SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' MOUTH UP!" cause my voice was too bad even for myself.

I think I am done with all my rantings for the day. I am still waiting for calabar gal's reply to my email, so I can conclude the first chapter of Women Palava and post it. Make una go tell Calabar Gal to reply my mail o!

I guess we go yarn tomorrow. I'm sleepy, so I don't think I will be staying up late today, but I am gonna try and read more of The Husband. I've become so slow in reading lately. Oh well.

Sweet Dreams

Dis Igbo People Sef!

I got this as a forwarded message from Funmi on the 25th of April 2003, and I have kept it since then because I laugh every time I read it. Enjoy my people.

A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other monguls and wealthy men were present. The Igbo businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for this foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him:

"Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No 22, but No 11. It is a black gate you will see, fling it open. You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929. It is not that one. The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep. On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar. Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open. You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s, 50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500 Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50 Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor. Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my change!"

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Speaking of Igbo people sef, abeg my people, tell me: isn't there something wrong with the fact I am responsible for Uju's period? I mean, I have to keep a time table of her period on MY calendar because Uju doesn't know how 2 count her period....at this her age o! Her mates don born pikin finish and Uju is still relying on Vera to count her period. Yesterday, she sent me a text with the starting & ending date of her period, so I can record them. I kuku didn't bother arguing. I just did like a humble dog and recorded the thing. By the end of the month, she would send me another text that would say, "Vera, when is OUR period coming?" Can you imagine? "OUR"?? When did we start geography that we're drawing map? Ehn my people, when did period become a 'we' and 'our' thing?

In short, I don't blame Uju sef. I blame my period. Yes, I blame it for ALWAYS comin @ the same time as Uju's period. Hers always starts a day b4 mine, but we always end on the same day. She runs for six days, while I run for five days. See this kin punishmemnt o. Anyways, it's all good sha.

*******************************************************************

I finally put the links up to the blogs I read...yay! I guess you could say I got tired of typing in the wrong address. On LondonBuki's page, I noticed she arranged all her links in an alphabetical order, so I was thinking...nawa oh, this girl really has time, but after thinking about it, I realized it was a lot better and easier sef cause then one wouldn't have 2 go thru my whole list looking for one link. You get the point sha, abi?

******************************************************************

Remember how I said I'm writing a short story which I will publish/post in chapters? The name was originally 'I Must Be Married', but in order to broaden the story, I changed the name to 'Woman Palava'. i hope it is positively accepted my most sha. Of course, I don't expect every1 to like it. Shit, even Jesus sef had enemies. I am merely a human being.

Anywayz. thats all 4 now. Gud Nite.

Happy Independence Day, Naija!

So my dear Naija is now forty-six, huh? Awww, ain't that cute? I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.

So, I have a question sha. I'm sure every1 has heard that 'life begins @ forty', right? And my father's personal favorite, 'a fool at 40 is a fool forever.' (Actually, my dad says, "a fool @ your age is a fool forever", but anyways...) Now, what does that say about our dear, Naija? At 40, Naija was definitely a fool, but now that she is 46, she really isn't doing much better. Does that mean there is no hope for her?

Who even came up with the idea that life really begins @ 40? Every1 seems 2 think life begins @ whatever age he or she is. I remember when Oprah turned 50 (can't remember if it was last yr or two years ago), and she said that was when her life really began. If that be the case, then I can hope that Naija will continue to grow. But mehn, there is so much work to be done in Naija sha. 4 starters, they need 2 have a reliable government - the one that actually practices democracy. Right now, they say it's democracy, but we know they are really running a millitarian government.

And more thing, they need 2 come up with some social security number system. I mean, there is no way 2 account 4 the people in Naija. Things are so out of whack. Can you imagine having mapquest in Naija? Do houses still have numbers? Do streets have names, abi are they just referred to as 'the street with the big orange house at the end'? Nawa o.

What about the postal system? Is there even a postal system? Thinking back now, I don't ever remember us receiving a at home (unless it was from DHL, UPS, etc). We always used the address of my dad's clinic...which was an hour away from us o! I know my father's P.O.Box worked because I used to send himm letter (even though we lived in the same house). I guess I was just bored.

Oh well. I just pray for our dear Naija. There are so many problems there. So much corruption, betrayal, back-stabbing, looting, coups, etc. It's just a who-pass-who country. Every1 wants 2 prove to be greater than the other. Vanity upon vanity. I pray God just weeds all the bad ones out. Naija has great potential. I'm yet to understand how and why we supply America with gas but can hardly find any in our country. Ah ah, na wetin now?

Anyhow sha, Happy Birthday Naija.

Nigerian Independence Day Parade in New York

Ah, na so so vex dey vex me here o! I coulda, shoulda been doing something else, but instead I am here swelling up like a balloon.

I have been planning on going for the Parade in Manhattan New York since God knows when. Finally, the day is here, and I am not there. How did that happen? It's all my fault because I was counting on my yeye friends to go with me, but they all bailed out on me at the last minute.

First of all, I have a bad habit of not wanting to go anywhere unless my friends are with me. If they are not with me, I don't go out. It's just not the same jare. I need my friends to be there, so we can talk and laugh and act like fools. I can't be acting a fool on the street of New York all by myself now haba. What if someone catches me on tape? OK, being caught on tape really isn't what is holding me back. What is holding me back is the fact that I just need to see very familiar faces around me.

So that's the story anyways. Busola said she's working; Uju said she has three exams next week (the week starting tomorrow); Funmie said she's broke. In fact, Funmie's own is the one that even pained me well well because I started asking Funmie if she was going for the parade ever since. Every time I said, "Funmi, are you going for the parade?", she would say, "I want to go." My people, is that a 'yes' or a 'no'? I was like, I don't wanna know if you wanna go or not; I want 2 know if you ARE going or not. Still, she would say, "I want to go." It was now on Sunday abi Monday that she opened her yeye mouth to say, "So Vera, when are we going shopping for the parade?" She should just be thankful that she wasn't with me when she asked me that question because na slap I for use answer her.

Funmie knows I hate shopping. OK, lemme rephrase it. I love shopping, but I cannot spend too much time @ the mall. It makes my skin crawl. The thought of walking around from one store to another just doesn't sit with me. So whenever I need to go shopping for an event like the parade, it would usually take me a whole month. One day, I might decide to enter only one store to look for a pair of shoes, and if I don't find it there, I would go home and go to a different store two days later. I don't wanna walk around the mall for hours, and I don't wanna drive from one store to the other looking for stuff. I'm not the kinda person who wants to buy everything in one day. I will lose my mind if I have to do that. So you see why I wanted to slap Funmie when she asked me when I wanted to go shopping...only five or six days from the event. Yeah right! I love planning my stuff, and it takes me ages to plan. If I were to throw a birthday party, I would start planning it like six to twelve months before the date. That's just me. I don't like all these chere-were (wait & take) planning abi shopping.

Anyways, I'm sure those that went for the parade are having ablast right now...without me. Gosh, this makes me wanna cry for real. But anyways...I go live sha, I guess.

I already promised my friend, Nora in New York that I go dey there next year. No shaking. No waiting on Funmie et al. I would just hang out with my friends in NY. Next year, I'll probably stay the whole weekend sef and have a blast. No clubbin' though. That's a complete waste of time to me.

See Ya....
p.s. I typed this post so freaking fast that I can only imagine how many typos I made, but I am in no mood to proof-read, so if you see any typo, I apologize.

How Am I Supposed To Feel?

If I had written this post at the time it happened, the title would have "Today Is A Wrong Day To Mess With Me".

Lemme xplain. I got emails in my mailbox in the afternoon about my last article (Love & Be Loved). Getting emails from happy readers is really not a new thing (Thank God), but getting them from readers who read my piece on "Champion Newspaper" in Nigeria is definitely a new thing because I do not write for Champion Newspaper.

So here's the deal: On one hand, it's a good thing that they published my article there because it is getting my name out there for more people to see and know. It's good publicity, you know? It's building up my CV. But on the other hand, they have no right to publish my article without asking me first. How can a big newspaper like Champion do something like this? Don't they know about etiquettes? Let's not forget that they are making money off me in Nigeria oh. Damn, I'm getting angry all over as I'm typing this. This type of thing pisses me off 2 my bone. I actually found their website online and tried calling both of their numbers...but I was told "the number you're calling is not reachable @ the moment; please try your call again later". Why am I not surprised? I tried emailing them immediately, but then my internet fumbled. I guess that was God tryna stop me raining curses on them. This matter is not closed; definitely not. I'm still gonna try & contact them.

At first, I was thinking maybe they didn't have a way to reach me concerning the article, but then I realised that couldn't have been the case. They had to have known and published my public email address too. I mean, how else did the readers reach me? I try my best to make myself very accessible, which is why I openly and publicly display my email address, so that anyone can get to me. So you see why I am so pissed @ this damn Champion Newspaper people?

How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed 2 do? I really dunno. Hmmm. Did I mention that today is the second day in my menstrual cycle? That means hundred times more likely 2 get pissed. Damn, these people have really screwed with my day. I'm gonna go ahead and send them that e-mail since their business numbers are not working. Damn Nigerian people.

SHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!

About The Audioblog Below...

I tried writing this on the previous post, but it won't let me. I can't edit the post and add the info that I wanna add. Anyways...this is what I was gonna write there.

On Saturday night, my mom & grandma went 4 some Igbo function, and the next day (while I was sleeping) I heard loud music boomin from the sound system in the living room. At first, I was mad cause my mother is fund of playing loud Nigerian music in the morning; she doesn't understand that not every1 wakes up at eight like her. But anyways...

After a while, I found myself wiggling myself 2 the beat of the music on bed. I had 2 make a copy of the CD, and I have been playing it ever since. The third track which is my favorite. I don't understand everything he is saying, but I know I love it. I think he is from Imo cause he mentioned some Imo local governments like Ngor-Okpala, but damn, whatever he is saying is sweet music 2 my ears. I have been dancing to the whole CD - especially the third, of course. His name is Sonny Bobo but I dunno the name of the CD.

It isn't so clear here cause I had to do the audioblog with my cell phone, but hopefully, you can grasp the general sound of the song. I just love it. I honestly think it is sooo damn sexxxy. I find a lot of things sexxxy, right?? (maybe I need to redefine the meaning of sexxxy) LOL. The song makes me wanna marry an Imo man. Does any1 know where to find one? *wink wink*

I'm going to take a shower (even though it's already past 4pm). I'm taking the CD player from the kitchen with me in2 the bathroom cause I intend to dance to this song while I'm taking a shower. Mm mm mm. My father would LOVE this song; this is the type of song he likes. I think any funny man who loves a song like this one would get along very well with my daddy. I'm such a daddy's gal. Anyhow u look @ it, 'daddy's gal' always sounds better than 'mama's boy', right?

I dated a mama's boy once. Absolute rubbish. All I heard was "momsy said"... "momsy this..." and "momsy that...". Every statement and answer always seemed to start with 'momsy..." Imagine my plight. Anyways, thank God that's over and done with.

JUST ENJOY THE MUSIC & TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

Sonny Bobo.

High

Yes, I am high! You read right; I am hiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhh! And it feels damn good. I'm high on a few things.

1: I bought a huge cup/container of French Vanilla Capuccino. Mmmmmmm sooooo goood. I had some a few minutes go, and it is tasty! Best of all, it's instant and it already has everything (creme & sugar), so all I have 2 do it pour hot water. I didn't get some whipped creme for it cause I don't use whipped creme wit my hot beverage. There r betta things 2 do with whipped creme... like.... you know.

2. I bought a whole box of goghurt. Goghurt is yoghurt on the go. It's yoghurt in a satchet, and I am pretty sure the makers made it for kids cause there are a buncha cartoons on the satchets, but who cares? I love it and I am keepin it! Funmi called me agbaya.. can you imagine? Oh well. Needless 2 say, goghurts are awesome!

3. I finished my short story and started a new series today. It's called "I Must Be Married". I'll let you read it when I am done. I will publish it in chapters....kinda like a soap opera. Feel me? Anyways, I'm really excited that I finally finished my short story - I mean completely finished it - editing & stuff.

4. I watched a new episode of HOUSE today, and two new episodes of LAW & ORDER. First one was LAW & ORDER CI (CRIMINAL INTENT), and the second one was LAW & ORDER SVU (SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT). My favorite is LAW & ORDER SVU with Detective Stabler & Olivia. Am I the only who is crazy bout these shows? And I don't care wat any1 says, but I think Dr. House is sexxxy! His blue eyes are so hypnotic. And he is British too! His sarcasm neva stops makin me laff mehn; he is da bomb.

OK - I think those are the only reasons I'm high this evening...unless the two antibiotics I'm on are also playing a role in my excess hyperactivity & 'highness'. Oh, while I was @ Wal-Mart, I did rush off for a few minutes to go and sniff some liquid soap. Yes, I admit, I love sniffin soap. So what?! Don't judge me. Anyways, my point is that the soap I sniffed may be playing a role in my hyperactivity this evening.

I just remembered sef... a weird thing happened this evening. I'm not high on this, but I just thought it was interesting. A friend of mine called me and the ff conversation ensued

Me: Hello?
Friend: Hey, Vera, what's up?
Me: Nothing really. What's going on?
Friend: I've got a quick question for you.
Me: Go ahead & ask. (I have 2 mention the fact that I don't like this kind of situation because when people say they wanna ask you a question, you neva know what the person has to say. It's like when a person calls and says, "are you busy"? I never say "no". I always "Why?". It's only afta I find out why the person is asking that I decide whether I am busy or not. Hmmm, should I be writing this online?)
Friend: Do you have any European blood in you?
Me: Huh???
Friend: I mean, I know you have something to do with Russia, so do you have their blood in you?
Me: (confused) Ugh...no. I was only born there.
Friend: Oh ok. Just wanted to ask.
Me: Why?
Friend: Nothing. Just wondering. (Yeah right!)
Me: Alright bye. Thanks for calling...I guess.
Friend: Alright bye.

Why was he asking?? I don't like when something like this happens cause I have been obsessing over it and tryna figure out why he was asking. Damn, I obsess over things too much 4 real. I think I think too much.

Odd fact about me: A few people have said I look like I'm mixed with Asian blood. Weird huh...considering the fact that I'm black. Apparently, my eyes are a bit "narrow". Hmmmm. My high skool French teacher in Naija was so sure I was a "lil Chinese". And some Naija gal here thought I was kinda Asian too. But why??? At a point, I started wondering if my mom was keeping something from me....LOL... nah, not possible. I'm a carbon copy of my dad...xcept in some physiological & anatomical differences, of course. :)

I'm out of here. I'm talking 2 much...again