I'm Off To Iraq

Today, I went to the shooting range with Uju, Tom, and 4MyPeople (who is quite famous in the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio chat room). Uju and I had never been to the shooting range before. Apparently, one of us had to have experience shooting guns. Since Tom was in his native country during their war some years ago and he did in fact dodge bullets, we, the inexperienced jury came to a unanimous decision that Tom should be our sacrificial lamb. And thus, Tom became the one with the experience. I suggested to him that he tell them he used an AK-47 gun. But he did not think my idea was a good one. 4MyPeople suggested he tell them that he even killed someone with the AK-47. He also rejected that idea. I'm not sure why.

One by one, we went into the range to take our turns with the experienced one - Tom. Oh, the initial set-up was a comedy scene as Tom struggled to put the bullets into the gun (what do they call the place the bullets go into again?) 4MyPeople ran like a girl every time he thought the gun was facing him. And he screamed like a girl, too. Don't tell him I said that.  He managed to get two bullets into his target.

It was finally Uju's turn. She was in there for about five minutes, and then she came running out. The sound of the gun shots were too much for her to handle. Being the brave one that I was - trust me now! - I went in there, armed with determination and more determination. I'll admit, the sound of other gun shots frightened me, but unlike my opponent, Uju (yes, she is now my opponent), I did not run out. As Tom coached me on how to use the gun, I almost freaked out when he said, "Whatever you do, don't drop the gun. There are real bullets in there." Say what?! I thought these were placebo bullets - for lack of a better word.

Uju, on her way into the shooting range. Does she look like someone who's about to shoot?

My first shot jolted me back. I did not know that guns were so heavy. And I did not know that a gun shot came with such an intensity. You don't learn that from movies. And please, forget those smoke-spewing toys they use in Nollywood, the ones that kill the target before they are even fired. Out of the eight rounds of bullets, I managed to get three into my target, and one of them collapsed his lungs. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Uju went back for Take-2, and this time, she was able to stay the course. She got one bullet into her target. Because her bullet went into her target's neck, she swears it was the shot that ended it all. In her words, "it was the shot that got Saddam Hussein" (except, of course, that Saddam Hussein was not shot. He was hung. But let's leave that alone).

Uju was a little too happy about her alleged Saddam Husein shot

My three shots. You can see the one by the right that collapsed his lungs.

Up close and personal with Uju's pathetic little shot.

I now consider myself a pro shooter - yes, with just one lesson. Therefore, I have contacted my friend in the Marine Corps and told him to tell his recruiter to come and beg me to join them. Since they were unable to complete the job in Iraq (my friend included), I will go in there (with my new shooting skills) and single-handedly take out all the insurgents. I will end this war. I'm off to pack my bags for Iraq. I need to call my mobile company. Perhaps, I'll pay them in advance for the months I'll be at war. I have to take my Blackberry with me. A girl has to stay updated with tweets and facebook statuses, you know. Oh, and blog posts, of course!

It's now official. I am a baaaad ass chic! 

Vera Ezimora on Facebook ||| Vera Ezimora on Twitter

For All You Breast-Owning People...

Let no one say, "Vera never offers us anything good." Hear ye, hear ye!!

Uju is in med school. Did you know that? There are some perks to having a friend in med school: She teaches me stuff. I am guaranteed of free medical care for the rest of my life (after she graduates, of course). She even offers me free surgeries. Ah, yes... she has offered me a free mastectomy courtesy of Youtube. Whoever said YouTube is useless? I'll get to the reason why she's offered me a free mastectomy later.

So apparently - according to Uju, the med student - for each child a woman has, she decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 7%. For each child she breast feeds for a year, she reduces her chances of having breast cancer by 4.3%. Sooooo.... let's assume that she breast feeds each child for one year. That means that for each child a woman has and breast feeds for a year, she decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 11.3%.

Ah! My people, it is SETTLED!!! 100% divided by 11.3% is 8.8495575 (8.85). Let's round that up to 9. So that means that if a woman has 9 children, she has completely erased her chances of ever having breast cancer. Very well then! And I thought there is no way to prevent breast cancer! Hear ye, hear ye.... having 9 children will erase your chances of having breast cancer.

The other option, which my med-student-friend was also quick to point out, is to have a mastectomy. [And that is why the nonentity offered me a free mastectomy courtesy of YouTube]. By having a mastectomy, a woman decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 90%. And that is if she cuts off both breasts ooo! Personally, I don't think it's worth it. Why cut off both breasts and still have a 10% risk when you can just have 9 children, breastfeed them, and have NO RISK???

Besides, at the rate of 11.3% per child, nine children actually equal 101.7% And considering the fact that I also intend to breastfeed hubby, that should count for another ---- I don't know --- 50%??? So you see, I'm good!!! Hear ye, hear ye.... save thy self!!

DISCLAIMER: Though the percentages are correct (according to the med student), this formula for breast cancer prevention has not been medically or scientifically tested and/or proven (to my knowledge). This formula, therefore, is simply Verastic. Try at your own risk.

P.S. Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio now has a regular time: Every Saturday @ 10:00 AM U.S Eastern (3:00 PM Naija time). All upcoming shows are on the sidebar on the right. Send e-mails for contributions. Answer the poll about dating exes. And please go to www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic to set reminders for any and all shows. Thank you, darlings!!

This Should Be About Uju, But Is It?

Friday, April 18th was Uju’s birthday. Her boyfriend got us VIP passes at Heritage Lounge in D.C. I went there with my buddy. Funmi went with Ibukun. Wait, lemme talk about my buddy for a second.

I was gonna call him Mr. Perfect Teeth because he has perfect teeth. I kid you not. He has the kind of teeth you would use in a commercial for braces. His teeth would represent the ‘after’ shot(s). His teeth will show you how good your teeth could look after using braces. The lucky guy never even wore braces! But then I decided not to call him Mr. Perfect Teeth because he is also a fine boy, so maybe I should call him Mr. Fine Boy. However, I could call him Mr. Gorgeous Smile because his smile is gorgeous. He has that Colgate smile. You know the one I’m talking about. I’m talking about that kind of smile that makes you smile when nothing is funny. You just smile because you see a smile. I could also call him Mr. Generous. Giving seems to come very easily for him. And he always does it with a smile on his face. What about Mr. Well Groomed? His hair is cut low and very neat. He has just the right amount of facial hair. Enough hair to tickle you, but not enough to prick you like little needles – not that I have experienced it. *coughs*

I can actually call him Mr. Bangin Body. Yeah, he’s got a beautiful body. His muscles are not over the top; they’re just perfect. His arms tell you he spends some time lifting things (or people), and the six quadrants on his stomach tell a story of their own. And he’s also Mr. Thoughtful. He wants what he wants, but he is not selfish. He likes what he likes, but he’ll gladly do what you like – even though he doesn’t like it. He’s Mr. Sexy. A good-smelling man is a wonderful man. A man who looks as good as he smells is a WONDERFULER man. He is Mr. Good Dresser. He always dresses the part; you don’t have to worry about him showing up wearing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

After considering the different names my buddy could bear, I finally decided on one name: Mr. Total Package. I need not explain this one. He’s got the total package.

…But uhm, this post is about Uju *rolling eyes*. Anyway, the event @ Heritage Lounge was being hosted by a Ghanaian. That has to be the only logical explanation for why they played Ghanaian music all thru. No Yahoozee, no P-Square, no Timaya. I vexed oo. (Actually, they played ‘Yahoozee’ & ‘Do Me’ once, but that was b4 we came in, so that doesn’t count!) They coulda @ least played some Makosa. To top it off, they now had a Ghanaian celebrity. We (the Naija people) had no clue who he was, but as we later found out, he was a rapper. See the way chics were running to take pictures with the dude ehn? Nawa o. Celebrity status no bad @ all sha.

Uju was drunk, or maybe just tipsy. Whatever it was, I know she was not herself. She was dancing with her eyes closed and laughing unnecessarily. Unfortunately, we didn’t take pictures. I had my camera, but everyone (except me) was too busy being naughty. When Mr. Total Package asked me what I wanted to drink, I ordered a Bone Crusher (Maybe it’s spelt ‘Krusher’). I had never heard about this drink before. I only ordered it because Uju said I should. The thing tasted like pure alcohol. I might have as well been sipping from a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I only drank about a quarter of it. Uju drank the rest (in addition to the one she had before). The chic was very happy ooo..

It wasn’t a bad event anyway. I’m hoping I don’t appear in anyone’s pictures coz you know I’m an anonymous writer, lol. After the event, Uju left with her boyfriend. Can you believe the chic put her head out of the window of the moving car and was screaming her lungs out at three in the morning? I don’t know bout you, but that definitely spells DRUNK to me. Kai, I wish I had taken pictures. Funmi & Ibukun went their way. Mr. Total Package and I went our way – to wherever hot men and anonymous writers go to.

I didn’t sleep till past 8 in the morning. You shoulda seen my face. I looked like I had been hit by a bus. A puffy face is definitely not my best look.

The Search For A Push-Up Bra

This is my second time blogging about bras. What is it with me and bras sef? The first time I blogged about bras, I was blogging about strapless bras - the day that my mother confidently asked for a sleeveless bra. What on earth is a sleeveless bra?!

Tomorrow (Friday, April 18th) is Uju's birthday. Her boyfriend suggested that we all take her out. I'm fine with this idea, of course. My only problem is that she has not given me my birthday gift yet, and I am seriously considering suing her to court. My birthday was 3 months ago, and she has been turning me up and down. You might think that she is not obligated to give me a birthday gift, but I believe otherwise. I'm pretty sure she does not want me to forcefully take it. If I do not receive my birthday gift in the nearest future, she will be sorry. She kuku knows what I am capable of.

Anyway, I went to Macy's today in search of a push-up bra. I patrolled the entire lingerie section fruitlessly. I figured I must have been looking in the wrong section, so I asked one of the staff. She pointed a different area of the lingerie section for me to check out. I looked through the place, and indeed found a lot of push-up bras, but none that came in my size. Instead, I was constantly attacked by size 32A. What the heck is that?! Is that even a size?? Seriously, should 32A cups even wear bras? Maybe that's what is stunting the growth of the breasts sef. Why on earth will someone with a 32A cup even wear a bra? You should let the breasts be free and be merry.

If you look at the picture very well, you will notice that by the left side of the bra, there is a before and after picture. The before picture is called, 'THEN' and the after picture is called 'WOW'. Well, eventually, I found a push up bra. I wore it @ Macy's, and it didn't seem bad. I came home and tried it on with the top I intend to wear on Friday, and my result was not WOW. It was more like WOW x WOW x WOW x WOW. Okay, so I guess I understand why push-up bras don't really come in my size. In other words, tooooo much breasts were flying all over the place. Alright, maybe not all over, but darn, I don't wanna mistake my own breasts for big, round yellow stress balls. I assume that the pain that stress balls go thru is way too much for my breasts to bear. I don't think any amount of anesthesia will be strong enough. I don't even wanna find out.

I took a picture of my breasts with the push-up bra and sent it to Funmi for her viewing pleasure. I am yet to get a reply. On one hand, the bad chic in me (if she is not a figment of my imagination) wants to wear the push-up bra, but on the other hand, the good girl in me (the one I know definitely exists, lol) does not want to wear it. I'm so torn and confused. I don't want a situation where I'm constantly tugging at my shirt and trying to cover up. That would be silly.

I have to confess that I do admire women who wear push-up bras. They usually look nice (not all of them, of course), but can Vera actually be woman enough to do it? I don't think so oooo. I have been known to be a chicken, and I am proud to admit that I am indeed a chicken. Wetin man [woman] go do?

Note to Uju (and all other people who owe me gifts; you know yourselves), here is a list of perfumes you should get me. You're welcome to get me more than one. And uhm, I'll prefer the gift sets ooooooo. *coughs* I went out of my way to provide the prices of the gift sets for you. You can thank me later.

1. Miracle Forever by Lancome [$55 @Macy's]

2. Romance by Ralph Lauren [$75 @ Macy's]

3. Rock n Rose by Valentino [$68 @ Macy's]

4. Pleasures by Estee Lauder [$58 @ Macy's]

5. M by Mariah Carey [$65 @ Macy's]

6. Covet by Sarah Jessica Parker [$72 @ Macy's]


p.s. These are listed in order of preference. Thank you. I'll be expecting my giftS.

Biodun, The Traitor

Yes oh, my people. Biodun has played me! Yes, I’m talking about Biodun, the blogger. She played me like a deck of cards. She broke my heart into a tiny million pieces.

Let me knack you the full gist.

As you all know, Biodun recently went to Naija. When she came back, she told me she brought me some Eclairs candy, which you all know I could sell UnNaked for. She told me she only brought it for me; she made me feel like I was the one and only Eclairs receiver in her life. And I felt very special indeed. Little did I know I was not the only one. The other day, I found out she sent some to Azuka. Can you imagine this?! And to add insult to injury, Azuka got his before me. I was angry. I was hurt.

So now, you may wonder if I was mad enough to not eat the candy. Well, yes, I was! But due to the soft spot I have for Biodun, and the promise I made to her that I was going to eat it, I decided to keep my word and eat it. If not for those two reasons, I would have sent the candy back to the sender! Did I enjoy eating the candy? Yes, I did, but it was only because I was trying to remain positive. Besides, people begged me not to be mad. So if you know Azuka, then just warn him to stay away from anyone who has candy for me…especially Biodun! I will not share my Biodun o!

That being said, thank you for the candy, Biodun. You’re a darling. My friend, Busola said she did not want any of the candy in case Biodun might have put juju in it. My people, you do not know how happy I was when she said that. That was one less mouth to cause shortage in my éclairs. Now, if I could get her to feel the same way about asu (that peppery Yoruba goat meat). Once again, thank you Biodun. For this éclairs, I will love you 4eva and a day. And you better believe I will marry you.

Note to all: what éclairs has joined together, let no long throats put asunder.

********** JAMBO NIGHT********

On Saturday, I attended Jambo Night, hosted by the African Students Association at UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County). I’m not much of a going out person; in fact, Uju calls me a house wife, albeit an unmarried one. Anyways, the event was a lot of fun! I would definitely endeavor to go out more often, although I’m not much of a party person sha…but I like dancing. But I digress…I went with my camera, as usual, and I tried to record a few clips, but my batteries kept dying. My favorite clip is the one below, and the first few seconds would tell you why. Mm mm mm. Don’t get me testifying in here abeg.

The show consisted of makossa dancing, a stage play, singing performances, and fashion shows. Don’t judge the female models too much please; they’re not professionals, they’re just amateurs, and I thought they did an okay job. And don’t judge my camera either. It was just a digital camera with d ability to record videos, not a camcorder. This is my favorite clip, and the first few seconds will tell you. There are seven clips in all that I recorded, and you can visit my youtube channel for more clips. www.youtube.com/verastic

If you listen well, you'll hear me calling Uju's name. And in return, she said, "he'll f*ck your brains out; that's for sure."

********Uju’s Birthday***************

Today is Uju’s birthday. I’ll be over @ her house with Funmi & co. She’s not havin’ a party or anything; we’re just chillin’ with her. So happy birthday, Uju. I hope we have some cake. I’ll take my camera with me, so hopefully, we’ll take some pictures and possibly make a few silly clips.

************* Too Emotional? **********

What does it mean to be too emotional sef? Am I too emotional? I cry for movies, music, books, and commercials, but does that mean I’m too emotional? The other day, I was listening to Faze’s ‘Letter To My Brother’, and I cried. I don’t know why I cried really, but the song just touched me. Now, am I the only one who cried (and still cries) for the song? And I also cried for 2Face’s ‘I Dey Feel Like’. Something about the song moved me too. Am I the only one cried (and still cries) for the song? C’mon, I cannot be the only one.

***********Virginia Tech************

Yesterday, a 23 year old South Korean student at Virginia Tech went crazy and shot several people to death. Thirty-two died, while several got injured. I wept when I watched the news yesterday and heard the screams of the victims as they got shot. Now, several parents are mourning the loss of the children. I can only imagine their pain. I pray to never feel such pain in Jesus’ name, Amen. So, if it’s not too much trouble, please take a minute to pray that their souls rest in peace, Amen. And pray that God comforts the family of the victims. This world is something else!

******** Every Woman – Chapter 6 *************

So I finally finished Every Woman (6). You know where to find it abi? And don’t forget to read the little note at the bottom o! Thanks! www.veraezimora.blogspot.com

Good Night! I just called Uju to say happy birthday. I called her @ 12:00am on the dot. I always call everyone first. My record remains unbeaten. Go Vera!!

Bye….

See you next Wednesday. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have gone back 2 my Wednesday updates? Yes oh, it’s all thanks to Lala. She convinced me to be self disciplined, which I need to publish, you know. Thanks gal!!