Who Stole My Jesus?

My mother is a relentless Catholic. So it was no surprise to me when she said insisted that I hang a rosary on the rear-view mirror of my car.  I did it just to make her happy. A couple of months later, I changed my mind and took it off. She came at me with a determination that could not be matched. I don't remember what her reasons were, but all I know is that at the end of her speech tyrade, I hung the pink rosary bank on my rear-view mirror.

It's not as if I had a problem with hanging the rosary on my rear-view mirror. Rather, I felt like my mom was not putting her faith where it needed to be : in Jesus.  But that's a story for another day. The climax here is that I recently noticed something strange. The Jesus that has been hanging on my pink rosary has suddenly vanished.  Yes, vanished!!

Once upon a time, there used to be a Jesus, crucified on a white plastic cross, and hanging at the end of that rosary where there's a loop.  Now, both Jesus and his white cross have vanished. Whatever would have caused this? I know I have my issues, but goodness, I hope I did not make the Jesus that was on the rosary to just walk away.  It's been the strangest thing, I tell you.  

In light of this recent confusion, I am now proposing that the FBI, CIA, and Whatever-The-Nigerian-Ones-Call-Themselves all come together and search for my Jesus. This is an outrage! A girl should not have to drive her car without her hanging Jesus. It's simply unacceptable.  And to make matters worse, the culprit(s) is (are) not asking for a ransom to release my Jesus.  An internal investigation will commence at once.  All readers, bloggers, listeners, twitters, facebookers, friends, family, and lurkers of Vera Ezimora will be considered as primary suspects.  Everyone is advised to not leave town at this time. Leaving town would be a very suspicious move.

Some theories have already been formed as to the whereabouts of the Jesus that once hung on a white plastic cross and dangled from my rear-view mirror:

1.  He got tired of hearing Vera scream, "What the heck is wrong with you?!" at all the drivers on the road.

2.  He got tired of Vera blasting her music and dancing while driving. 

3.  Vera's driving made his life feel endangered.

4.  When Vera rolled her window down, a terrible wind blew, and it blew him off the rosary.

5.  Funmie entered Vera's car, spotted the white crucifix, and stole him while Vera wasn't looking. He has since been living in Funmie's wallet.

6.  An anti-catholic broke into Vera's car and stole the Jesus and his crucifix from the rosary.

7.  The Jesus got tired of hanging from a pink rosary.  Him, pink??? No way!!!

8.  Being suspended from a girl's rear-view mirror was just not his idea of going into the world and spreading the gospel.

9.  After Vera played Yori Yori (by Bracket) over and over --- over, he decided that He couldn't take it anymore.  How can a person play Yori Yori for so long?

10.  Let's face it. He got tired of watching Vera play with her breasts while driving.  It was quite distracting disgusting to say the least.

So, what say you?

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